The Duchess Takes it All

Chapter Twenty

The day of the wedding between Lord Feldhagen and Lady Kitty dawned bright and beautiful. Tamsin had quickly pulled aside a very nervous Georgie to apprise her of the situation with Christian. Georgie, of course, was not thrilled that he now knew their secret. But as he did not seem inclined to expose them, even she could admit that he would be a useful ally on occasion.

She finally seemed to accept that they were in no immediate danger from Christian’s newfound knowledge and rejoined Lavinia in helping the bride get ready. Lady Abberforth was of course present but could not stop weeping at the thought of her youngest getting married.

“You look so beautiful, my sweet Kitty,” Lady Abberforth said. Then she took Lavinia’s hand so she held onto both of her daughters. “Oh, I wish Harriet were here. Then I’d have all my girls together.”

“Ah, but Harriet is busy caring for your new grandchild,” Lavinia said with a grin. “Surely that is a good excuse to miss Kitty’s wedding.”

“The only excuse I’d accept,” Lady Abberforth said with a watery laugh while she dabbed at her eyes.

She squeezed their hands one last time and then took a deep breath. “Oh! All right, then. Enough of all that. I need to go make sure the vicar is in place and ready and our guests are seated. It’s almost time!” She hurried out, fluttering her handkerchief in the air, leaving the group of women giggling as she went.

“You truly do look beautiful,” Tamsin said to Kitty. “Lord Feldhagen won’t know what to do with himself.”

“And what of Lord Rauchberg?” Georgie said, sitting on the bench at the foot of Kitty’s bed.

Tamsin tried to look as innocent as possible. “Whatever do you mean?”

The other women exchanged a glance and as one rounded on her. Georgie, it seemed, was their silently agreed-upon spokeswoman.

“Oh, come now, Your Grace. It has been weeks now since the dance at the Spauldings’. And judging by what we saw at the play and the lecture recently, the…shall we say connection between the two of you has only grown stronger.”

“I…I don’t know what you mean,” Tamsin said, not sure she could articulate what was happening between them even if she wanted to.

“Oh, of course you do,” Georgie said. “But don’t let them bully you into speaking about something you do not wish to.”

“Thank yo—”

“You can tell me all about it as soon as they leave.”

Everyone laughed, including Tamsin, though she didn’t know if it was at her or the situation. Both possibilities provided a great deal of amusement.

She plopped down on the bench beside Georgie. “Truly, there isn’t much to say. You know of the…one instance.”

“And have there been other instances?” Georgie pressed.

Tamsin glanced around, her cheeks flushing. “Perhaps.”

“Oh, you’re no fun,” Georgie said while Lavinia and Kitty laughed.

“Come then, Your Grace,” Kitty said. “Tell us everything. Consider it your wedding gift to me.”

All three women turned expectant faces to her, and she sighed. She couldn’t fight them all.

“I suppose I find it all a bit overwhelming. But in a good way,” she hurried to add.

“Overwhelming how?” Lavinia asked, sitting on the stool of the vanity table so she could give her undivided attention to Tamsin.

She did take a moment to reflect that perhaps she shouldn’t say anything in mixed company. Mixed in the sense that she was speaking with one married woman, one imminently-to-be married woman, and one never-married woman.

Georgie, a mind-reader as always, waved her concern away before she could voice it. “I may not be the most experienced woman in the room, but I am not totally green. I assure you, I will not wither away with embarrassment because you speak of kissing a man.”

Lavinia’s jaw dropped, though as far as Tamsin could tell it was more from amusement than anything else. And Kitty just covered her mouth with her hand and giggled.

“And I, frankly, would be glad to hear whatever it is you have to say. Lavinia told me what to expect, of course…” She broke off with a blush.

“Our mother, bless her,” Lavinia said, “is next to useless when it comes to preparing a bride for her wedding night.”

“One can never have too much information in such circumstances, I think,” Kitty said.

Tamsin nodded. On that, she agreed. Her mother had passed away long before she’d married, and of course her father wouldn’t have spoken to her of such things. So her wedding night had been something of a shock, to say the least. She was glad Kitty would be better prepared.

“Oh, very well,” she said, hurrying to speak before she lost her nerve. “I’ve just…never felt such things before. A simple brush of his hand and my heart beats so loudly I think he must be able to hear. And if he actually touches me on purpose…”

Lavinia gave her a knowing smile that told Tamsin all she needed to know about the state of the Beaubrookes’ marriage.

“A bit like being hit with lightning, isn’t it?” Lavinia said.

“Yes,” Tamsin breathed. “I never experienced such things with my husband. He was kind enough and seemed to take care not to cause me too much discomfort. But I cannot say I looked forward to his visits.”

“Oh, my dear,” Lavinia said with a quiet chuckle. “Your story is all too common, I fear.”

Kitty dropped to sit on the edge of her bed. “Do you think it will be so for me?”

All three women shook their heads no and then laughed that they had done so in unison.

“But how can you be sure?” she asked.

Lavinia took her hand. “Because Lord Feldhagen is not only young and virile and very handsome, he is also kind and seems to care a great deal about you. And that is all it really takes. If you care about one another, you will find your way together.”

Kitty smiled, her face clearing. There was still some nervousness in her countenance, naturally. But Tamsin was sure she would have a much better experience than she herself had. Though that wouldn’t be hard to do.

Now, if she had wed Christian…if it had been him in their marriage bed, initiating her into the mysteries of marriage that she had only heard spoken of in whispers for so long…what a difference that would have made.

“You can still have a wonderful experience yourself,” Lavinia said to her quietly, scooting closer to her on the bench while Georgie fussed over Kitty’s hair.

Tamsin’s gaze flashed to Lavinia’s. “But I am not the one getting married today. It will likely never be me again marching up that aisle.”

Lavinia gave her a knowing smile. “And while our parents and ministers would like us to believe that the act shared between a loving couple is only done after the union is blessed by the clergy, the number of early babes born to hastily married couples seems to bely that.”

Tamsin rolled her lips together to keep from laughing. Lavinia did have a point. One of which she’d already been aware, of course. After all, she and Christian were certainly not betrothed or even courting. And yet the things they had shared…

“How can something as simple as a kiss make one’s entire person feel as if it would burst into flames?” she asked Lavinia, though she didn’t truly expect her to answer.

Lavinia smiled. “What still sometimes amazes me is that a simple kiss is only the start of so very much more. More than I could have ever dreamed existed.”

That much she now knew. Before Christian, Tamsin knew only vaguely that there should be something more than what she’d experienced. Her husband had always seemed to be in raptures upon his…completion. Tamsin had never known that women could have a completion of their own until she’d overheard a few of the maids talking one day, several months after Rupert had passed. But she’d only understood half of what they’d said.

But now… She ducked her head to hide her smile.

Lavinia squeezed Tamsin’s hand. “If you truly intend to never wed again, then I hope you allow yourself to find out what it feels like when those flames finally are fanned,” she said. “Because I have a feeling you haven’t discovered that yet. Not fully, at any rate.”

Oh, she had begun the discovery. She had felt that cresting wave crash over her, drowning her. And still, she had an inkling that the flames between them hadn’t yet come near to the inferno that awaited them.

And she was tired of wondering. She wanted to know for sure.

How did it feel to let the fire finally consume you?

…

Feldhagen’s wedding to Lady Kitty was quite beautiful, as weddings went. They’d obtained a special license so they could be married at home rather than at church. So it was intimate, just family and friends who were closest to the couple.

Christian hadn’t attended many weddings, and those he did were frequently arranged matches. Dynastic transactions, rather than public declarations of love and commitment. It was refreshing to attend a wedding so full of happiness and hope. It planted a little seed in his own chest. One that he knew he’d be wise to pluck out before it had a chance to take root.

But the moment he’d seen Tamsin walk in and sit down, he knew it was already too late.

He shook his head with a smile. The woman had wormed her way into his soul. She was a part of him now, for good or ill. And he would do whatever he could to keep her.

The Duke and Duchess of Beaubrooke flanked Tamsin throughout the wedding and wedding breakfast. Though the event was a small one, he was glad she had their friendship and protection. Though he wished he had the right to openly provide that for her himself.

Her eyes met his across the dining table, and she smiled. A slow, sensuous smile that had his cock rising with a quickness that left his head spinning. His duchess seemed to have made a decision about what she wanted. And if it wouldn’t have left the scandalmongers with enough gossip to bring the whole city to a standstill, he would have dragged her out right then.

He seemed to have that thought a rather lot when it came to his duchess. That should perhaps concern him. Or mayhap he needed to follow through on the urge. So they could continue what they’d started in the library. Because he could still taste her on his tongue. Still hear her soft cries as he wrought sensations in her she had tragically never before experienced. And he wanted nothing more than to show her how much better it could be.

It wasn’t something he’d stop imagining any time soon.

He took a deep drink of his wine and tried to calm his thoughts. Easier said than done when Tamsin wouldn’t take her eyes off him.

Frederick leaned over to speak to him, and Christian tore his gaze from his duchess to give his dearest friend his attention.

“How are your eggs, my lord?” Frederick asked, pointedly looking down at the plate Christian hadn’t touched.

He just shook his head with a wry grin. “You seem happy, Frederick. I am glad for you.”

“You could have the same if you’d but seize the moment,” Frederick said, returning his smile when Christian’s gaze shot to his.

“It is a nice thought, but there are too many obstacles, I fear. My uncle has not yet responded to my letter, and he has certainly had time to do so. You wrote requesting permission for your own marriage long after I did. And your response came within weeks. I very much fear his silence is my answer.”

Frederick frowned. “I would not give up hope just yet.”

Christian sighed deeply. “If he denies his consent…” He shook his head again. “I would not want to raise the lady’s hopes just to see them dashed.”

Frederick nodded. “A noble course of action,” he said, then gave Christian a wicked grin. “Though perhaps the lady is waiting for you to be a little less noble.”

Christian’s eyes bounced between Frederick and Tamsin several times before resting back on his friend. “You can’t be serious?”

Frederick shrugged. “You are unmarried. She is a widow. As long as you are discreet and careful, I do not see why either of you should keep denying yourselves of what you so clearly want.”

“I am… We are…” He grimaced. “It’s clear?”

“To everyone, even those who do not wish to look,” Frederick said drily. Then he clasped Christian’s shoulder. “Seize some happiness where you can, my friend. Be honest with the lady, of course, and let her wishes guide you. Pray your uncle sees reason. But seize happiness for you both and enjoy it while you can.”

Christian held Frederick’s gaze for a few moments longer, then looked at Tamsin, whose eyes still followed his every movement.

Dare he? Dare they? Frederick was correct in that Tamsin’s widowhood afforded her a few luxuries an unmarried virgin would not have. And there were more than a few wealthy widows of the ton doing whatever they pleased with whomever they pleased. Discreetly, of course.

He sighed. It was too great a risk for her if they were discovered, or if a child were conceived, despite the measures they could take to prevent that. And the consequences, unfortunately, would be borne nearly entirely by Tamsin. He would not allow even the possibility of any harm coming to her. Making love to her he had no doubt would be a transcending experience. One he wanted almost more than anything else. But the risk was too great. She was already taking too many risks with her caricatures. She didn’t need to add more to the mix.

And he didn’t need that in order to be happy with her. Oh, he wanted it. With a desperation that frightened him. But need… The only thing he needed was her . Just being with her, laughing together, even arguing…it was enough.

He turned back to Frederick. “I will miss you when you’re gone.”

Frederick laughed and slapped him on the back. “I’ll only be gone a couple weeks. It won’t be the grand honeymoon trip across Europe that she deserves. But a few weeks in Brighton will do nicely. I think you can survive without me that long.”

Christian just snorted. They jested, but Frederick had been Christian’s constant companion since they were children, and he truly worried about what he would do when the day came that they would go their own ways. Which they must, at least at some point in the not-too-distant future. Frederick was now married to an English bride. And while he did have an estate in Gr ü nsteinberg, he was merely a younger son. His elder brother would inherit the large ancestral home and a large portion of the family’s wealth. And Frederick would be free to spend more time in England, if he so chose.

And Christian…he had responsibilities in England, yes. But the Clevesly estate was in as good of order as he could get it, with excellent managers now in place to oversee things for him. His presence was no longer strictly needed, aside from the occasional trip to ensure everything was running smoothly and would stay in order for the young duke to take over when he reached his majority. In fact, he could now return home at any time. But he had a few more weeks before his uncle would be expecting him to depart, and he was going to take advantage of every extra day he could.

Because Christian’s duties in Gr ü nsteinberg would unfortunately not be as easy to delegate. Starting with the marriage his uncle had decreed.

How easy his life would be if he could marry Tamsin. But the more days that passed without a response from his uncle, the more Christian feared the answer. And even if that answer were positive, he would still need to convince Tamsin to wed again. Something she seemed stubbornly adamant against even considering.

As for enjoying the pleasures of marriage without the benefit of the clergy…that held too much temptation to contemplate. Dallying with a woman of her station, one who was still in mourning, no less… A few months ago, he wouldn’t have fathomed he’d have gone as far as he had. That they had already shared what they had showed just how much he’d changed since he’d arrived in England. And yet…he couldn’t help but want for more. She was the only thing he’d ever wanted for himself. The only thing he’d ever dared to hope for, dream for.

And their union would only be frowned on and prohibited in both their societies.

But still he yearned for her.

Once the wedding breakfast had finished, the guests began to line up outside to speed the newlyweds on their way with well-wishes. They would spend the next week in the country at Herringbrook before leaving for Brighton, and Christian tried not to envy his friend too greatly.

Tamsin approached him, returning his smile as she stopped at his side.

“You are thinking of something awfully troublesome, my lord,” Tamsin said.

“Is it that obvious?”

The well-wishers cheered as Frederick and his lady laughingly ducked beneath their arms, hurrying toward their waiting carriage.

“Perhaps I am more familiar with that look than most,” Tamsin said with another smile. “You wear it often when I have done something that vexes, frustrates, or otherwise exasperates you.”

“I must wear it frequently, then.”

“Near daily, my lord, yes. If not hourly.”

He laughed, his heart warming, and he wished he could take her in his arms. Barring that, under the guise of helping her over the uneven ground to their waiting carriage, he did permit himself the luxury of drawing her arm through his. Even that small touch had thoughts that were not suitable for public consumption bombarding his mind.

“Will you share your thoughts, my lord?” she asked, her voice only loud enough for him to hear.

He glanced down at her, his blood heating. “I am pondering some advice given me by Lord Feldhagen.”

“Oh? Good advice?”

He gave her a half-smile. “It is that which I ponder.”

“What is your instinct?”

He took her hand to help her into the carriage. “My head tells me one thing. My heart, the opposite.”

She settled into the carriage and waited for him to get inside before answering. “I wonder if it is similar to the advice I’ve been receiving from my own friends of late.”

The carriage set off with a jolt, and Christian’s heart began to pound at the look in her eye.

“If it has anything to do with seizing the day or enjoying what time I have left here or some variation, then I would assume it is,” he said, and her slow smile had him scraping his teeth over his lower lip.

“Would you say you are inclined to follow such advice?” she asked, her cheeks flushing ever so slightly.

He chose his words carefully. “Whenever I am with you, yes. Despite my better sense. And only at my duchess’s discretion,” he said. He would not pressure her.

She met his gaze, holding it for a few moments before finally answering. “I was never much a fan of Horace, but carpe diem is one of his better turns of phrase. I find I am much of the same mind.”

But he couldn’t. They shouldn’t. For all the reasons he’d gone over a dozen and more times.

And then she glanced back at him over her shoulder as she ascended the steps, pinning him with a look so heated it was a wonder he didn’t melt on the spot.

Carpe diem .

But there was someone he needed to speak with first.