The Duchess Takes it All

Chapter Twenty-Three

Tamsin settled herself beside Christian, drawing absent circles on his chest while the morning light streamed through the window. He had one arm wrapped around her, keeping her close, while the other supported his head as he lay with his eyes closed.

Finally, he let out a deep sigh, and she looked up to see what was wrong.

“I’ve written to my uncle,” he said.

She froze, her finger stalled on his chest. “Have you?”

She wasn’t sure what he was about to tell her or what she wanted to hear. All she knew was that she was happy in his arms. And what he might be about to tell her could destroy that.

“I wrote to him several weeks ago.”

That made her sit up. “You did?” But that long ago, they hadn’t yet…come to their understanding. Hadn’t even begun to talk about it.

He took her hand, playing with her fingers as he spoke. “I didn’t want to offer you anything I wouldn’t be allowed to offer. Even if you weren’t inclined to accept,” he said with a wry smile. “I had hoped to get a response from him before broaching the subject with you, knowing you feel about it as you do.”

She pursed her lips but couldn’t help a small smile at his thoughtfulness.

“I asked him for his consent to our marriage…if I could persuade you to accept me.”

He raised his eyes to meet hers, piercing her with an intensity that made her want to look away.

“Christian…” she started, not wanting to hurt him, but not wanting to offer false hope, either. Though things had changed in the last several weeks, to be certain. There was a part of her that was no longer quite so sure she wanted no part of marriage.

“I know,” he said, before she had to say anything. “I know how you feel. I know what remarrying means, what you’d have to give up.”

“If anyone were to ever tempt me, it is you,” she said, running her hand down his chest again until he caught it and entwined their fingers, bringing them to his lips before resting them on his chest.

“If it were just the title and income, it would perhaps not be as much of a dilemma.” Though she frowned even saying that.

Remarriage meant giving up her income from her first husband’s property. Giving up her title, the only thing that bought her even a bit of acceptance with the ton . And it had been dearly bought. That money and title meant security, comfort, something no one could take away from her.

“I am also wealthy and titled,” he said with an understanding smile. “If that helps.”

She laughed softly. It did help. Somewhat. She would at least not be trading in her income for poverty.

But she would again be nothing but an extension of him. Her property, her money…even her son would legally be his.

“It’s not just the money,” she said. “Don’t mistake me. I would not relish giving up my own money to be beholden to a husband again, no matter how wonderful that husband,” she said, bringing their entwined hands to her lips so she could press a fervent kiss to them.

He laughed. “I do understand, Tamsin. Truly.”

“And what of the work I do with my art?” she asked, hesitant to bring up the subject again. They had not spoken of it since he had discovered her secret. And though they had ended that discussion with him seemingly supportive…or at least not actively trying to stop her…would that continue if they married?

He took a deep breath before answering. “You know how I feel about that.” He rubbed his thumb on her shoulder, then drew her closer so he could kiss her forehead. “But I also know how you feel. I would not take away something that means so much to you. I cannot promise I won’t try to find safer ways for you to accomplish the same goal or at the very least safer ways to do what you are currently doing,” he said with a chuckle. “But I do not wish to ever stop you from doing what makes you happy.”

She nodded, though concern still creased her brow. How did she explain her hesitancy without offending him, hurting him?

“Part of the issue is James.”

Christian frowned at that. “James? I would be honored to be James’s stepfather. I hope you do not believe that I would resent the boy or—”

“No, no, of course not,” she said. “James would be very lucky to have you as a stepfather.”

And she meant that. Wholeheartedly. If Christian was nothing else, he was a good man. Yet still…

She took a deep breath and blew it out. “If I remarry, my new husband will gain guardianship over my son. I trust you,” she said, kissing his hand again. “But…”

He nodded, reaching up to caress her cheek. “It’s all right. You are his mother. No one would make such a choice lightly.”

She breathed a small sigh of relief that he wasn’t offended. And truly, the issue of Christian being James’s guardian wasn’t even the whole problem, though it weighed on her the most. At the end of the day, the thought of either of their futures resting in anyone’s hands but her own sent a sense of panic and urgency through her that made it difficult to breathe. Her life had been at the mercy of her father until she’d married when it, and the life of her son, had been trusted to her husband. She finally had control over her own destiny, the right to care for her son as she saw fit. How could she give that up?

Christian was a good man. She trusted him. She maybe more than trusted him.

But…what if she was wrong? What if he changed in the future? What if all her carefully laid plans and failsafes for hers and James’s future went up in flames because she couldn’t get this intriguing, charismatic, passionate man out of her mind or heart? What if she condemned them both because she couldn’t see past her own desires?

How could she risk that?

There were too many distressing possibilities to think of. James was now duke in his own right. But he was very young. It would be many, many years before he was able to take over the full rights of his title and property.

As for her…she thought she trusted Christian to treat her well, to not stand in the way of her dreams and desires. But the fact that he would legally have the right to do so was enough to make her balk. No matter how much she…loved him.

And she did love him. She sighed deeply, her heart lurching. She loved him so fiercely that the thought of denying him and watching him sail away from her was splintering her heart into a million pieces. When he left, she would never be whole again.

But she was too fearful that if he stayed, she wouldn’t be wholly herself again, either.

“You do not have to answer now,” Christian said, as always seeming to know the turmoil going on in her mind. “I just wanted you to know what I had done, what I am hoping. My future at the moment is…” His jaw popped as he gritted his teeth, and she lay down by his side, curling into him.

He wrapped his arm around her and held her close, kissing her.

“I do not wish to lose you,” he murmured.

And she could hear everything he wasn’t saying in those tortured words. She knew his uncle had sent him here to find a wife. He was a high-ranking member of his house’s nobility. He was expected to marry and provide heirs for the succession, not only for his own estates, but for the ruling seat as well.

And if she didn’t marry him…

She curled into him more, burying her face in the crook of his neck.

“I do not want to lose you, either,” she said.

And that reason alone might be enough. For her to give up her income, her title, her freedom. If contracts were signed before they wed ensuring James’s future to her satisfaction, keeping her personal fortune intact and under her control…she might consider it. Because if the alternative were to stand by and watch him marry another, if it came to a choice between having it all or having him… She just wasn’t sure she could give him up.

Then again, the choice very well might not be hers. And that was so much worse.

“What did your uncle say?” she finally dredged up the courage to ask.

He was quiet just a few moments too long, and dread filled her.

“He has not yet responded,” he said.

She stroked her hand down his arm a few times, more to comfort herself than him. “That is a bad sign, is it not?”

He sighed deeply. “I do not know. It could be. Or it could simply mean that the messenger has been delayed.”

“But you expected an answer before now.”

“Yes,” he said quietly.

“Would he deny us?” she asked, her heart hardly daring to beat while she waited for his answer.

His voice was quieter this time, deeper, whether with anger or anxiety, she couldn’t tell.

“There is a possibility, yes.”

Sadness, and anger, tinged her next words. “Because I am common.”

“You are meine Herzogin. Meine,” he said, kissing the top of her head and pulling her closer. “Always.”

But that wasn’t really an answer. Or rather, it was. He didn’t need to say the words. She already knew. It was the same reason most of the ton refused to truly welcome her, though they had to tolerate her in their ranks. She may be a duchess now— his duchess always —but she was born a jewel merchant’s daughter. And that merchant had been born a shopkeeper’s son. It didn’t matter how many gems her father now had in his vault. To the upper nobility of both countries, it seemed, the only thing that mattered was blood. And hers was coarse and common and could never be anything but a taint to their bloodlines.

He dragged in another deep breath. “I am sorry to have spoiled our lovely morning,” he said. “But I wanted you to know what we faced and that I had approached my uncle regarding you. Because what we have between us, for me, it is not a passing fancy. I do not take it lightly. I had hoped to know more first but…”

“I’m glad you told me,” she said, his words strengthening her and destroying her all at once. “Thank you.”

He turned her face to him again. “I want to be with you, Tamsin, in any way you wish. I will live with you in glorious sin for all our days or I will marry you tomorrow. No matter what anyone says. You have but to say the word.”

She smiled, though she knew it held a hint of the sadness she could barely keep contained. “But your life would be easier if I would marry you.”

“Assuming my uncle consents, yes,” he said, his smile matching hers.

“And if he doesn’t consent?”

He rolled her back beneath him. “Then I suppose we get to discover how much trouble we are willing to stir up.”

She wrapped herself around him and let him drown out her thoughts with the sensations he created in her body.

But before they drifted back to sleep, there was one invasive thought that kept permeating her consciousness.

How could she ever live without him?