The Fallen Ones (Holloway University #1)

20. Lily

Chapter 20

Lily

I woke up alone in bed, my crotch hurting like mad. I looked beneath the sheets, fearful about what sort of mess I’d find. Blood was smeared on my thighs from where my virginity was torn from my body by the three masked men. Wincing, I sat up, clutching the sheet tightly against my body, and saw the room was empty except for me.

They’d left.

No note. Nothing.

Just…empty.

Disappointment surged through me at them not even saying goodbye after they used my body last night. Of course, I’d used them too.

I regretted having drank so much. I remembered all three of them fucking me and then…nothing. I’d passed out.

Frustrated with myself for doing it, I tossed the covers back and let out a soft cry at how very sore I was. My legs shook as I made to stand, and I collapsed back onto the bed, every fiber of my body aching.

Drawing in a deep, steadying breath, I forced myself to my feet and cleaned myself in the bathroom. I was an absolute mess. I’d been a literal come dumpster and it was still leaking from me.

As fast as I could, I dressed, humiliation coursing through me at doing the walk of shame. I’d told myself I wouldn’t stay the night. I’d do this and leave. That clearly hadn’t gone to plan. The door had locked after I’d entered and it was game over.

“Please don’t let anyone be downstairs,” I muttered as I pulled the door open, grateful they’d left it unlocked for me.

As quietly as I could, I made my way downstairs, keeping my head down as I saw a few other people leaving their rooms. Some came out with a partner, others alone like me.

My heart hurt. Maybe I’d gotten too close to the feelings they rained down on me last night, but I wanted to know who they were. I thought for sure they’d tell me when it was over and maybe…hell, I didn’t know.

What would I have even done if they said they wanted to do it again?

Agree?

Try to have a relationship with three men I didn’t even know?

I was absurd for even thinking the thought. It wasn’t within the realm of possibilities. With that storm cloud hanging over my head, I pulled my phone out and called for an Uber. No one was downstairs, so I rushed to the front door and went outside, breathing in a deep breath of fresh air.

I thought it would help, but it didn’t. All I felt was this pain in my chest where all the emotions tumbled clumsily against one another with no direction to really go.

If I thought doing this would help me, I was wrong.

Instead, all I wanted to know now was who the guys were who had changed me overnight.

I slept the rest of the weekend away. My body was hurting so much that each move made me groan. Caleb had texted me on Sunday to ask me how my weekend was, but I’d only sent him a thumbs up.

I took Monday off from classes. I was still hurting, but I also felt weird going to class, knowing that I could be passing the guys at any given time. I didn’t know if they’d taken my mask off to look at my face, so that gave me a fair bit of anxiety. I figured I’d give it a few days to die down though, just in case.

A knock on my door sounded out, making me groan. Olivia had texted me to tell me white suit mask guy and her had hooked up Saturday night after she’d hooked up with one of the golden masks in her room. She’d given white suit her information and he’d contacted her.

Cameron Wilson was his name.

I knew him. He was good looking and played on the football team. He was definitely a catch.

Lucky Liv.

She’d told me they’d been inseparable since Saturday, so I knew it wasn’t her.

With a grumble, I forced myself out of bed and went to my door and cracked it open. Caleb peered back at me. Sighing, I fully unlatched the door and stepped aside for him to come in.

“You OK?” His gaze swept over me, so much concern on his handsome face it made my stomach twist.

My throat was tight. My eyes burned.

Truth of the matter was, I wasn’t OK. Something had changed that night with those three men. I didn’t know how to process any of it. I wanted more. I was scared of more. I’d lost my mind.

I shook my head, a tear slipping down my cheek.

“Lil bit,” Caleb murmured, wincing. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

He took my hand and led me to the couch where he pulled me down next to him.

“I-I don’t know. I-I thought this would be a good idea, but it’s the worst,” I finally sputtered.

He reached out and thumbed my tears away.

“Why is it the worst?”

I shook my head and stared down at my hands in my lap.

“I’m confused,” I finally whispered.

“What are you confused about?” He rested his hand over mine and gave it a gentle squeeze. Why was Caleb all that was good in the world? It hurt me to know I’d done what I’d done. Anything I could have had with him seemed silly now. I didn’t even know why.

Maybe I feared if I went for it with Caleb, he’d not live up to the night I’d had with the three guys. I owed Caleb my all, not just part of me.

And then there was Jace and Damien. Both pissed me off, but god, all the what ifs kept racing through my head.

“Lil, come on,” Caleb coaxed. “Talk to me.”

“I-I want more,” I finally whispered.

His hand stiffened over mine, his body tensing.

“More of what?”

“Of that night.” I looked to him to see so much turmoil on his face it gutted me. I was hurting him. I pushed those thoughts about why away. What if I were wrong about them too?

Everything had changed and it sucked.

“Was it good?” he finally whispered.

I nodded, my eyes locked on his. “So good. I just…I want to do it again. There were three guys, Caleb. I’m not that girl, but I let three of them do it. It felt so good, but it was so wrong. What’s wrong with me? That I liked it? That I want more?” I grasped his hands, hoping he’d give me an answer.

“What is more?” he asked gently. He reached out and tilted my chin up when I made to look down.

A few tears squeezed their way from my eyes as I stared back at him.

“I-I don’t know. Just…more. I don’t even know who they were. Are. I know nothing about them. I feel so stupid catching feelings like this. Tell me I’m crazy.”

“You’re not crazy,” he murmured. “You’re just…you, Lily. Just Lily.”

“What do I do?”

He stared back at me for a moment before pulling me into his arms. “I don’t know. I guess that’s something you need to figure out.”

I clung to him, knowing he was right.

It was something I’d have to figure out or get over.

Falling for three masked men at a Halloween party was crazy. It was stupid.

But I didn’t know what else these feelings were. So, for now, I’d let them tumble around in my head and heart while I tried to sort through it all.

I owed myself that much.