The Geography of Happiness (Mackenzie Country)

Chapter 18

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

One month later

Thursday

Spencer

“It wasn’t Gabby’s fault,” Hannah insisted, her bright eyes sparkling into the camera. “Molly’s cat is a little bitch. She bit my hand, and when I squealed, Gabby barked at her. Just one bark. One . Not even growly. Just a keep away from me and my girl kind of bark, which is what she’s supposed to do if something hurts me. But Molly’s mum went all crazy lady on me and I’m not allowed to take Gabby back there anymore.”

“Don’t say crazy lady.” Terry appeared in the doorway behind Hannah and I stifled a laugh.

With her back to her dad, Hannah rolled her eyes.

“I saw that.” Terry grinned at Hannah’s back. “Two more minutes, then I need you to help with dinner so I can say hi to Spencer.” He shot me a wink over Hannah’s shoulder.

“Fine,” Hannah grumbled, then turned her to back me. “We better do it then.”

I didn’t need to ask what she was talking about because we did the same thing every time I called, which was most days—okay, pretty much every day before or after dinner, except for Hannah’s dance class nights—and yes, I had those marked on my calendar. And if I couldn’t call, I texted or sent photos or a silly meme. Yes, indeedy. I was doing really well with that whole keeping it to a friendship deal that Terry and I had agreed to.

End result—it wasn’t just Terry and I talking. Hannah and I had also been talking... a lot. She was a great kid. The bruising around her knee had taken a couple of weeks to clear and she was back using her elbow crutches. That said, I didn’t miss the wince every time she had to manoeuvre in or out of a chair, meaning pain was still an issue for her. My heart hurt for the kid.

Was I setting my heart up for a fall? Absolutely. Any day now Terry was going to ask me to back off and he’d have every right. This was a whole lot more than the original pen-pal idea entailed.

“You only like talking to me so that I’ll let you talk to him ,” I said, lifting Miller onto my lap so Hannah could ooh and aah all over the place as she usually did.

“Maybe.” She shot me a cheeky grin. “But I still like you. Gabby, look. Say hello to Miller.”

The retriever’s nose pushed up against the screen and Miller wriggled excitedly in my lap.

“Do you really think they can see each other?” Hannah asked. “Or is it just our emotions they tap into? We’re excited so they are?”

I shrugged. “Nobody really knows exactly what dogs can or can’t see, but I’d say it’s probably a little of both.” I repositioned the EarPod Miller had knocked loose with his nose and set him back on the floor. “But they sure seem to recognise each other.”

“I still can’t believe you actually adopted him.” Terry reappeared, shooed Gabby back into the kitchen, and pulled up a chair alongside Hannah. He looked tired, those blue eyes a little dull, his mouth tight at the corners. “You’re soft as butter.”

“Hey, you take your wins where you can. Miller was at least amenable to my charm, unlike others who shall remain nameless.” I regretted the flippant comment the second Terry cast a worried glance at Hannah. I was pretty sure Hannah already had an inkling that something had happened between her dad and me. She was too smart not to.

“Time to get the salad ready.” Terry kissed Hannah’s head. “And don’t forget the tomatoes.”

“Ew. Why do we have to add tomatoes?”

“You can pick them out.”

“Then I don’t get why I have to add them to start with?” Hannah eased herself gingerly from the chair and gave me a wave. “Bye, Spencer. Remember to send those photos you took of Zach’s new puppies.”

“As soon as I’m done talking to your dad,” I promised. “Talk tomorrow.”

Terry raised an eyebrow at the tomorrow part but said nothing.

The second Hannah was out of earshot, I apologised. “Hey, I’m sorry about the charm comment.”

“It’s okay.” Terry gave a faint smile. “And it’s not true, you know? I fell for your charm just like everyone else. More, probably. It’s not your charm that’s the problem.” He held my gaze. “It’s the genuinely great guy behind the charm that stole my breath away.”

Well, shit. I blinked in surprise and continued to stare at him, speechless, my pulse racing. It was the first time Terry had even come close to admitting any real feelings for me, and I wasn’t sure how to react without scaring him off by saying something ridiculous like I thought I might be falling in love with him.

Yeah, that.

But before I could come up with a response, any response, Terry moved on, cheeks bright red as he prattled on about how Jam, who owned the collectable store across the road, and May, the local hairdresser, were going to switch premises so that May could expand her business to include a nail salon. She’d already swallowed up the premises next to Terry’s store but it still wasn’t big enough. The switch would allow her to almost double her salon size.

That meant Jam and Terry would be next to each other and Jam had suggested opening the wall between their two spaces to encourage more foot traffic and benefit them both. According to Terry, it was a brilliant idea, although that was about as much as I caught because I was still stuck on the stole-my-breath-away confession.

When Terry and Hannah left that day, my life became a sad merry-go-round of work, work, and more work, trying and failing to stop thinking about them. Fat chance when I was calling almost every day. I’d been a pain in the neck, and true to the Mackenzie style, people weren’t shy about telling me, even if they didn’t know the reason. Well, most didn’t. Okay, maybe a few were still in the dark.

It appeared Terry and I hadn’t been flying under the radar as much as we’d hoped. Zach had pretty much put two and two together at the medical centre along with the tension in the air when he’d collected Terry and Hannah that last morning. He didn’t push me with questions, but he did apologise in case he’d stepped on my toes. I’d waved the remark aside like I had no idea what he was talking about, but we both knew I was lying.

If Zach had guessed, then Luke surely knew as well, and probably Jules and Liam. Gil and Holden were another given, considering Gil had actually called to see how I was the day Terry and Hannah flew back. I pretended not to know what he was talking about since that was a bag of snakes I had no intention of opening with him.

Their confusion and disbelief came to a head when I finally admitted my plans for Adelaide. The general reaction was one of dumbfounded shock and unhappiness, the level of which, quite frankly, astonished me. Even Paddy Lane was stunned speechless, before proceeding to tell me that I was the best vet he knew and that he’d miss me sorely. I damn near cried. Talk about a mind-fuck, especially from a guy who’d only recently started to say the word bisexual without throwing up in his mouth.

Sonja, who was still pissy about the whole leaving thing and barely talking to me, perked up a bit when I told her I’d be taking Miller along with me. She went on to ask a whole lot of questions about Terry and Hannah, my ready answers making it obvious I was keeping in touch. Her self-satisfied smirk said it all.

Matt, who’d been pretending to go through the appointment book while not-so-secretly eavesdropping in on our conversation, had lifted his head and added in inimitable Matt fashion, You need to get your head out of your arse, cowboy, before you make a mess of things. Which only told me that he and Sonja had been talking. A. Lot.

Everyone had an opinion on what was best for me.

No surprise there.

But what was surprising was that none of them were actually taking the piss about me maybe catching feelings for a guy. I’d expected them to laugh their arses off and give me hell, but no, they were only... concerned. And because I didn’t know how to answer their questions, I said they didn’t know what they were talking about—a lie that earned me a stream of sympathetic glances, which were starting to piss me off. Fucking small towns.

There was only one thing I knew for sure. When Terry and Hannah left that day, I’d been inexplicably mad as hell... at everything. Terry. My annoying friends. The whole fucking world if I was honest. I’d taken a risk and asked for something I never dreamed I’d do—a chance at a relationship.

And I’d been shut down.

Only then did I realise just how much I’d wanted him to agree to try and meet up again, and when Zach had driven them away, I’d walked through my empty home, fuming at the fact I felt lonely for the first goddamn time in my life, and it was all Terry bloody O’Connor’s fault.

Before he arrived in Oakwood, I’d been perfectly happy in my tidy little non-relationship world. But he was trouble from the time I’d seen him. Everything about the man piqued my interest, and as I’d stormed around my house that day, the only tangible thing left of that whole confusing week was Miller. Every time I looked at Miller, I saw Terry, and rather than put me off, it meant there was no way on earth that dog was moving anywhere except into my house.

End of story.

And if I’d happened to consider changing the poor animal’s name to Terry so that I could vent and tell him exactly what I thought about his little friendship plan, it was nobody’s business but my own. Then again, it wasn’t too late.

“Earth to Spencer?”

I looked up to find Terry’s blue eyes fixed on mine, a warm smile on his face. And just like that, everything was all right. “Sorry. It’s been a bit of a day is all.”

“Then you should stop talking to me and go relax.”

I bristled at the very idea and then at him for having the audacity to suggest it. “I am relaxing. Talking to you relaxes me. Unless you don’t have time, of course. I’d hate to hold you up.”

“So snappy.” Terry’s lips quirked up like he’d got what he hoped for, the little minx. Then his smile widened. “Judah’s dropping by for dinner, but yes, I have time.”

Judah. Of course . My stomach clenched. The man who got to share in Terry’s daily life, be invited to dinner, listen to his secrets, and generally be there for him. It didn’t matter that Judah was married and to all accounts madly in love with his husband, he was the one there with Terry and I wasn’t. Was I jealous? Hell fucking yeah, I was.

Something I kept very carefully hidden from Terry.

Terry’s expression sobered. “You do realise that we’ve talked almost every night since I got back?”

Here we go. “Is that a problem?”

Terry let out a slow breath and wriggled in his seat. “No, it’s not a problem as such. I love talking with you, you know that. But maybe that’s an issue in itself. I worry that I’m setting myself up for a fall. Encouraging something that’s maybe not... healthy... for either of us.”

I shrugged. “Not healthy? This is a friendship, remember? Friends talk.”

He stared back at me, unblinking. “Is that really all that’s happening here?” He shot me a look that said we both knew the answer, then he sighed and changed the subject. “Did your bad day have anything to do with Derek’s visit? You guys still getting along?”

I glanced toward the partially closed bedroom door and lowered my voice. “We’re fine. He’s still angry, grieving too, I guess, but he’s talking, which is a good thing. I just hate to see him in pain. And he’s cooking endlessly. All. The. Time. He’s in the kitchen right now making beef Wellington for dinner, for fuck’s sake. I’ve put on a kilo in three days. I didn’t even know he could cook. Some brother I am. The other two arrive tomorrow, God help me. Thank Christ it’s only for three days. I’m not sure I can stand my house full of people for much longer, even if they are my brothers. I don’t know what the hell decided them to join Derek down here now, but it’s giving me hives.”

Terry snorted. “How long since you’ve all been together?”

I had to think. “I believe it was Todd’s wedding, five years ago.”

“Wow.”

“I know,” I said guiltily. “I don’t know why we haven’t done something sooner.”

“Yes you do,” he threw back. “Besides, they’re not kids anymore. They’re just as capable of picking up the phone as you are.”

I groaned, remembering him saying a similar thing not that long ago. It didn’t sit any better the second time around because I knew that I was the reason my brothers didn’t call. I’d left them behind to build a life of my own and they hadn’t forgiven me.

Terry broke the silence. “Your mum’s not coming then, I take it?”

I shot him a blank look. “What do you think?”

He huffed. “I had to ask.”

I sighed. “Derek rang her last week and she said all the right things, of course, but no one’s heard a peep from her since.” I tried not to sound too pissy and failed abysmally. “Surprise, surprise.”

Terry’s eyes grew soft on mine. “I’m sorry, Spencer.”

I waved it off. “Don’t be. It’s not like any of us expected her to actually show up for us, right?”

“It should go without saying,” he insisted.

I couldn’t argue with that, so I changed the subject. “How are you and Hannah feeling about her big appointment tomorrow?”

Terry glanced behind and lowered his voice. “Hannah’s avoiding the subject, which isn’t like her, so, I’m guessing she’s worried. That also tells me she’s been playing things down when I ask how the knee is doing.”

Damn. “How long will it take?”

Terry pulled a face. “She has to have X-rays and an MRI beforehand, so I’m guessing it’ll take most of the afternoon. We plan to stay the night.”

“Then I’ll call around six to see how it went.”

Terry frowned. “You don’t have to?—”

“Shut up. I’ll call, okay?”

A small smile tugged at his mouth. “Thanks.”

“Why do you feel the need to fight me on everything?” I grumbled.

“You know why.” He studied me with a crooked smile. “But I’ll do better.”

I relaxed and returned his smile. “I’d appreciate that.”

“What about you?” he asked, turning the tables. “You must be excited for Monday. Heading to Adelaide for your look around.” His expression revealed nothing other than curiosity, and yeah, that stung a little.

“Mostly I’m simply praying I’ll get to Christchurch Airport in time since I agreed to catch a lift with my brothers,” I admitted. “I get that they’re adults and all and their timekeeping has to have improved since they were kids, but I’ll be setting two alarms just in case.”

Terry laughed. “What are you most looking forward to?”

Now there was a question with no good answer. “Well, I suppose I want to know exactly how they run their teaching clinic and what their expectations are. Being responsible for students looking after paying clients and their animals is quite different from doing it yourself. It’s a little scary if I’m honest.”

“I can see that.” He watched me closely. “Did they get back to you about the accommodation?”

I nodded. “They agreed that I can keep Miller with me in the on-site apartment attached to the clinic.”

An odd expression crossed his face. “That’s... great. It’s all falling into place. See, I told you it would all work out.”

“It has three bedrooms, so maybe you could come visit?” I tried not to sound too hopeful. “Hannah too. Of course.”

“Oh.” Terry hesitated and my heart fended off another hit. “Ah... yeah, sure. Let’s see how things go.”

Code for Never. Gonna. Happen. I was about to push harder when Hannah interrupted.

“Dad, Judah’s here.”

Terry spun toward the kitchen, his cheeks flaming. “Tell him I’ll be there in a minute.”

“You better go.” The words came out sharper than I’d intended, which wasn’t fair to Terry, and so I softened my tone. “Go visit with your best friend. You deserve to have some fun.”

Terry glanced toward the kitchen, his teeth working his lower lip like they always did when he was struggling to get his thoughts lined up. But when he turned around, none of that indecision showed on his face whatsoever. “Gotta go. We can talk tomorrow—” He hesitated. “—I’ll be looking forward to it.” And he signed off.

I threw the laptop onto the mattress with a growl. I’ll be looking forward to it. Fucking breadcrumbs. And I was following them like a fool. Why am I doing this to myself? The sooner I got on that plane to Adelaide, the better. I was becoming as ridiculously infatuated with another man as all my damn friends, and that wasn’t a compliment.

I groaned and starfished on my back.

“Okay, that’s it.” My brother walked in holding a couple of beers by the neck. He waited until I sat up, handed me one, and then collapsed into the armchair by the window, putting his feet up on the bed. “I need to know who this guy is who’s got you so tied up in knots that you’re calling him every night and wandering around growling like an angry bear when you think no one is listening. And when you’re not doing that, you’re glued to your phone texting. So, talk.” His brows lifted in expectation and I almost laughed.

Derek was the spitting image of our father. Long-legged, lean to the point of skinny, a mess of dark curls that he’d tamed with a severe cut, and a wide smile that rivalled mine for charm, or so I’d been told.

I took a long guzzle of the IPA he’d bought the day before and leaned back against the headboard. “You’re exaggerating. And also, this happens to be my bedroom. A knock wouldn’t go amiss, you know.”

“Pfft. The door wasn’t fully closed, and every little brother knows that’s code for come right on in .”

I scowled. “When we were kids, maybe.”

He huffed. “Aw, come on, grumpy pants. Throw me a bone. I’m sick of my own problems. Let me feast on yours for a bit.”

I studied him. “How do you know I’ve got a problem?”

“Really?” he scoffed. “Let’s start with the way you amp up before you call him, all excited like?—”

“I do not.”

Derek held up a finger. “ I’m talking. Aaaand then when you’re done, you look like someone stole your ice-cream.”

“You’re talking rubbish.” I took another swallow of beer and stared at Miller who was lying on the floor looking up at me with those big soulful eyes.

“So, who is he?”

I shot my brother a look. “How do you know it’s a he?”

Derek shrugged. “He or she, I couldn’t give a fuck. What I do care about is you. And the fact you’re trying to run circles around me on this, tells me I’m right. Whoever this person is, they’ve got under your titanium crocodile skin and given you—” He shuddered. “—feelings.”

I snorted at his antics and wanted to lie, but his words stopped me. Derek had spent three days spewing his feelings to me. I didn’t blame him for wanting some payback. “Okay, arsehole. His name is Terry.”

Derek pointed his bottle my way. “An excellent start. All the Terry’s I’ve ever known have been straight-up guys.” Then he winked. “Or hopefully not -so straight in this guy’s case.”

I rolled my eyes. “Do you want to know or not?”

Derek zipped his lips and I gave him the condensed version of Terry’s and my non-relationship status.

“Wow, big brother.” Derek eyed me sympathetically. “It’s taken a while, but someone finally got their hooks into you.”

I huffed dismissively. “He hasn’t got his hooks in me. He’s not interested in anything except friendship. He’s one hundred per cent committed to his daughter and I totally respect that.”

“Doesn’t mean he hasn’t got his hooks into you though, does it?” Derek pointed out. “Only that he’s not looking to land you, and that must suck.”

It was a horrible pun that deserved another eye-roll.

Derek ignored it. “So, what makes this guy different from the hundreds of others who have passed through the revolving door that happens to be your bed?”

“For fuck’s sake,” I groaned, sliding down the headboard. “Do we have to do this?”

“Yes, we do,” he pressed. “You’ve spent years shouting loud enough for everyone to hear that you don’t want the responsibility of a relationship, let alone anything that involves kids, which I totally get. You had it tough stepping in like you did with us. I don’t blame you for resenting us back then and for not wanting a revisit. So, how come this guy?”

A thorny knot of guilt wound tight in my gut and my heart squeezed. “I never resented you guys.”

He shot me a look of disbelief. “I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that, Spence, because you’ve never lied to us... except maybe when you told us you’d come home every vacation when you left for university.”

I swallowed around the lump in my throat, unable to meet his gaze. “I... I’m sorry I wasn’t there as much as I should’ve been.”

The mattress dipped and Derek crawled onto the bed to take a seat at my side. Miller joined him, lying across both our legs. “Don’t be sorry,” he said, reaching for my hand. “The others were too young to understand, but I knew why. Hell, I was surprised you didn’t hightail it off the farm sooner. I’d have got out the minute I turned sixteen. But you stayed until you were almost nineteen, and that says something important about you, Spence. If you hadn’t stayed, I might never have made it to university.”

That shocked me. “Really? But when I left, it put you in charge. That was hardly fair.”

He sniffed. “But at least I was old enough to know what I wanted. Plus, the others were in their early teens and could mostly look after themselves. I didn’t carry half the responsibility that you did when we were little kids.”

I swallowed hard and nudged my shoulder against his. “I didn’t really mind, you know. It was just... a lot.”

“Bloody oath, it was,” he grumbled. “Jeez, Spence, you were only a kid yourself. And regarding what’s fair, the whole damn situation was unfair. To all of us. But I’ll tell you this much.” He shuffled around until we were eye to eye. “When you left me in charge, I learned pretty damn fast just how much you’d sacrificed to make sure us kids were looked after.”

Tears filled my eyes and I let them fall. “I didn’t want you to feel like you were missing out. I wanted you to feel like you were?—”

“Loved?” He smiled tenderly. “We absolutely felt loved, by you at least. And we felt safe. But you missed out, big brother. You missed out big time. We had you to rely on, but who did you have? None of us will forget what you did and what it cost you. Would we have liked to see you more after you left home? Sure. But you’d given us a childhood at the expense of your own, and we might not have liked it, but we understood.” He wriggled back alongside and slipped an arm around my shoulders. “It must’ve been so fucking lonely being you back then.”

It was. It is. Something tightened in my chest that felt a lot like grief. This had been a conversation long in the making and a jumble of emotions collided in my heart, a complex snare of guilt and pain and yes, loneliness. But also of love.

“I felt— feel so guilty for just disappearing from your lives like that,” I admitted in a broken voice. “And then I didn’t know how to make it better. We drifted apart and I feel like it was my fault. If I’d done a better job?—”

“Just stop, will you?” Derek shook me gently. “To be perfectly frank, by the time you left, I for one needed a little space from your bossy ways.”

I spun to face him, dislodging Miller in the process. “What?”

He laughed. “Don’t look so surprised. You bossed us around for ten years. A brother acting like a parent? It was a hard pill to swallow most days, especially when we were young. All we saw was you being given ‘privileges,’ like getting a car and a slush fund that none of us were allowed to touch. It never occurred to us that it was only so that you could do their job more efficiently. Later on, we understood.”

I fell back on the mattress and laughter bubbled up my throat. “Jesus Christ. After all I did for you ungrateful lot.”

Derek slid down next to me, both of us staring up at the ceiling. He elbowed me none-too-gently. “You’re still fucking bossy.”

I snorted. “Am not.”

“Are so.”

We both laughed, then he rolled on his side to face me. “So come on, I want to know more about this guy you’ve fallen for. What makes him so different?”

I sighed. “It’s . . . complicated.”

“Don’t do that,” Derek practically growled. “Don’t treat me like a kid who won’t understand. Just because you looked after us when we were little doesn’t make you some kind of guru in our lives. I’ve learned a shit ton about life and relationships since I left the farm—stuff that your single fancy-free arse has zero idea about. You are no longer the only voice of experience in the room, Spence, so you can shelve the parental bullshit and give the rest of us a little credit.”

His words hit home with an indisputable sting of truth, and I rolled to face him. “Is that what it feels like? Is that why the others haven’t kept in touch with us?”

“With you ,” he said softly, and I felt like I’d been sucker punched.

“They talk to . . . you?” His words stung.

Derek shrugged. “A little.” But I saw the truth in his eyes. Then he said something that rocked me to the core. “I think the more important question is why haven’t you kept in touch with them ?”

“Me?” A jumble of excuses started running through my head. “I... well... I thought—shit, I don’t know what I thought.” I fell back against the bedhead.

Derek scrutinised my face. “Maybe I can help with that. I think you were worried we’d want to dump all our problems on you, like we did as kids?”

My gaze shot to his and I wanted to argue, but he was right.

He nodded sadly. “Yeah, I thought so. Well, let me disavow you of that notion right now. Incredible as it might seem, the three of us have done just fine on our own since you left. We can even solve our own problems for the most part. Go figure. We want more connection with you, sure, but we want that with our brother , not the pseudo parent he used to be. But you haven’t exactly made that easy. Every time I call—since you don’t very often—it’s like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. It made it hard to tell you about the divorce. I didn’t want to sound like I was asking for help, even though I kind of was.”

Jesus Christ, how had I missed all this? And then it hit me. “You asked the others to come, didn’t you? It wasn’t their idea.”

Derek had the grace to look uncomfortable. “I... suggested it might be a good opportunity to clear the air before you finally leave for Adelaide.”

I huffed out a laugh. “I’m only going for a week.”

“Maybe. But you leave for good in January and we sure as hell won’t see you over Christmas and New Year, right?” He arched a brow, and I was pretty sure I blushed.

“I need to change that, don’t I?”

He snorted. “Ya think? Anyway, I figured it’s now or never.”

“Who’s being the parent now?”

Derek raised his hands. “Guilty as charged.” Then he smiled. “Todd and Graham don’t know the grown-up Spencer like I do. The man I’m so fucking proud of. The man I have to thank for everything I’ve achieved and who I am. So, sue me if I want them to meet that guy before you hare off on your big adventure.”

A thought that didn’t sit well in my stomach.

We sat in silence on my bed as I slowly digested Derek’s words. It felt like I’d spent twenty years peering through crackle glass, the image of who I was, who we all were, blurred in my brain, frozen in old ideas. And now the glass had been shattered.

When I’d left the farm, I hadn’t left that sad, angry boy behind at all. He’d simply moved into the shadows and been quietly driving my life ever since while I’d believed the grown-up me was actually in charge.

Until Terry walked into my life and turned his brilliant blue eyes on me.

Until I wanted something more.

Until being free started to feel like the trap I thought I’d been avoiding.

Derek broke the silence between us. “In case you need to hear this, there’s a big part of you that’s built for caring, Spence. And you’re good at it. Really good. I think that’s why you became a vet. But no one has experienced that side of you since you left home because you’re too scared to let them in, and that’s a damn shame. You might’ve been pushed into it unfairly as a kid, but you positively rock at loving and caring for people. We should know.”

I thought of Zach and Luke, and Holden and Gil, and Jules and Liam, and Matt, and all the people I’d been so careful to slot into my life in ways I didn’t have to feel too much or get too involved. And I thought of Terry and Hannah who refused all attempts I’d made to do the same with them.

I scrubbed the tears from my face. “We barely spent a few days together.”

“And a month of talking every day since,” Derek corrected.

I squeezed my eyes shut for a second, then shook my head and opened them again. “I’m going to Adelaide, Derek. It’s an amazing opportunity and it’s what Terry wants as well. He’s not ready to try anything.”

“And yet you can’t stop thinking about him.”

I let out a sigh. “That means nothing in the long-term. Jeez, look at you and Kath—shit.” I grabbed his hand. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No, you shouldn’t,” he said irritably. “And don’t use my failed marriage as an excuse. Sure, Kathryn and I didn’t work out and I’m fucking gutted about that. But I’d do it all over again, given the chance. We had some great times and we brought two amazing kids into the world. I wouldn’t change that for anything. And if I’m lucky enough to fall in love a second time, I’ll do it again in a heartbeat.”

I stared at my brother, wondering when he’d become so smart. Just weeks into a separation, it was a gutsy thing to say, not to mention fucking miraculous.

I groaned and fell back on the bed. “I’m a fucking mess, D. And I have no idea what to do.”

He laughed and patted my leg. “None of us do, big brother. Not a single one. We’re all just faking it. Now talk.”