The Guru: Shadow (Dark Triad #1)

12. Emma

12

EMMA

PLAYLIST: TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR - ITG STUDIOS

T here was only one thing in life she could rely on. And that was her ability to thrive in chaos. The more urgent, the more chaotic or fucked up the situation, where others lost their shit, her mind was sharp like a freshly sharpened Damascus knife. Even under the influence of too much alcohol. Or especially then, because she finally had a sense of self-worth.

It was something that had gotten her into, as much as out of, many tight spots in the past, but tonight probably was her masterpiece.

I am no fucking prey.

She would not run from him. She would not let herself be hunted. Nor would she let herself be played. And it was pure joy glancing down on the street, seeing the black G-Class being pulled over by the police.

Although she had no hope of not paying for it, right now, to her bold, drunken self, she won this round, and she would let herself have this moment of triumph. Tomorrow, the world would be back to normal.

And sure as hell, as she woke up next morning, regret greeted her like the old friend it was – in a chest-cracking, crushing embrace o f royally fucked up.

Only this time, she wasn’t so sure she would survive the echoes following her actions. He was violent, he knew no rules, no laws, and throwing him into the lion’s den would sure have consequences.

Reaching for her phone, she checked the messages – one from Julie, but nothing from him.

No messages.

No calls.

No reaction at all.

And that made it more than dangerous. Nothing was more dangerous than silence.

In the following days, as the season entered the dreary month of November, she caught herself multiple times checking the chat with Deis, but nothing was there. Part of her imagined him being taken down into custody, but he would’ve surely gotten out by paying some money. So, it left her with the only conclusion possible: He was waiting. Lingering in the shadows to make her break, lower her guard.

Whenever she went outside, she listened for the sound of the G-Class, glanced around, and even went outside without her noise cancelling headphones. But there was just nothing.

It’s been three weeks now, she noted to herself, as November almost became December.

And a big chunk of her tried to persuade herself that she simply pulled a red card, and he had no further interest in her, like all the men who saw her true self, but there was also this warning voice, telling her that all of it was a tactic.

A hunter must be patient, and he is most definitely one.

Julie

Em, are you ready for the weekend?

Fuck.

She had completely forgotten about the weekend Julie had invited her to. All of her insides groaned in revulsion.

No, do I have to?

Julie

Yes, you have to, and you will. gonna be totally amazing!

Pick you up at 2 p.m friday

What do I need? Winter coat? Summer dress? Where are we even going? And how do we get there?

Upstate. Flying

Sth cozy and sth to dress up

Mostly inside, but take sth warm anyway

Just go with the flow. DON’T OVERTHINK IT!

‘ Don’t overthink it.’ Of course I will. You are throwing me into the unknown and I am supposed to do what? Just roll with it? Surely not.

As Friday came, she had become a regrettable ball of crisis and overwhelm. Julie eventually stopped answering her inquiring mess ages while she still hadn’t heard or noticed anything from Deis. The level of uncertainty was on the verge of drowning her.

So, when Julie’s black BMW X5 rolled to a halt in front of the apartment building, she entered it with utmost self-loathing mixed with a mood-killing cocktail of reluctance and a bad foreboding feeling lingering in her stomach.

“Em, it’s gonna be good. You gotta step out of your comfort zone sometimes.”

Comfort zone the fuck. If only you knew how much out of my comfort zone I was in with your client.

“I am quite alright where I am.”

“No, you’re not. You’re in denial and constantly not finishing whatever you touch.”

“I’m fine with it.”

Okay, that was another lie.

But then, telling the truth would be an invasion into her deepest fears, so to lie it was.

“You’re not. Otherwise, there would’ve been no need for me to lend you money, so you don’t have to move out of the apartment.”

Julie was right. But acknowledging she was the one nothing worked out for? Definitely not happening. And she didn’t ask Julie to lend her money. She’d never ask for help, ever. Julie almost made her take the money after the night they talked about Chris and everything, because, reciting her words, she was sure if she’d lose her home, too, she would completely freak out. And maybe she would. Her new job at the diner, a couple of blocks from her apartment did not pay well, and definitely not enough to get a new apartment. The prices were mostly double if not triple of what she paid for her apartment right now, even for smaller ones. So, she had taken the money, promised to pay it back, unable to say how, when, and if. And now Julie was using it against her.

Wonderful.

There’s still time to turn around and leave.

But instead of saying something and running, she just kept her mouth shut and bathed in her denial .

So much about my comfort zone, Julie.

They drove to Newark Airport, where she then found out they would be flying into Buffalo. Her extensive web search for an event in Buffalo did not get her any results, which was frustrating. It was almost as if something in the universe was punishing her, serving her the extra portion of the unknown.

However, the only quite amazing thing was that everything was paid for, and it threw her off her heels when she saw they were traveling first class.

An absolute first, literally. It impressed her on every level. How nice people were, how much space she had in the airplane, and the overall experience of it was much more comfortable than usual, which helped a lot in reducing the anxiety she had while traveling. Not that she did it much; she had been on a plane a handful of times, all of those had been horrible.

“Makes a difference, huh?” Julie said as she watched her taking in the first-class seat of the airplane.

“It does.”

“And this is only a domestic flight. Imagine what it could be like. That’s what I mean when I tell you there’s so much more to life – so much more you could reach. That intelligent brain of yours just needs to focus on something for once.”

And there it was again, the little pinches, giving her a constant reminder that she was less worthy, not belonging. It was true in the end. She did not belong; she didn’t even compare. Julie was successful beyond making more than $450k a year plus bonuses, while she served tables, tried more than unsuccessfully to write a book, and did some freelance work with many open spots as a side kick.

Julie loved agency work and as Julie was a master of persuasion, she had given it a try, too. The experience however had made her suicidal and more depressed than ever. Now, she would preferably be homeless before she’d do that again. It was horrific and it made it impossible for her to grasp how Julie could burn so much for her job. Never ending meetings, with way too much stress, constantly rolling heads, poor communications, and a lot of asshole clients, but whatever. Not her place to judge.

The flight was short, and after a small delay, they landed after exactly 1 hour and 33 minutes. Staring at the number made her almost freak.

Why the hell is there always a 33 involved? It’s really freaking me out.

Googling, however, almost made her bite her phone.

‘33 is a powerful master angel number, standing for luck and spiritual enlightenment’

You got to be kidding me. Angel numbers? Seriously?

What a bullshit.

The slight breeze brushing over her face’s skin as she stepped outside the airport was quite chilly. After all, it was Buffalo, so what did she expect? An expensive-looking big black GMC SUV waited for them outside as they followed the driver welcoming them.

They drove for about half an hour. Niagara Falls. She read out the sign in her mind as they passed the city border. She had never seen the Niagara Falls, nor had she been much anywhere else. She grew up in a small and dull town in Michigan, and the first chance she got to get to Manhattan, she took it.

Her parents had never traveled with her; her father was away a lot and made it abundantly clear he did not care about her. And her mother never left the house whenever she could avoid it – which was always. Marie feared everything, from being run over by a truck, to falling, being attacked by a dog, and especially germs. Her fear had worsened year by year until she never left the house anymore, not even to get the trash outside. Since her Alzheimer’s diagnosis, however, she did not remember any of it.

So, she tried to see it as a good thing happening to her mother. However, her parents being what they were, she never went on a vacation anywhere. Not even to visit family in a different state. And since one school trip to Georgia and a week in Cali with Chris, she hadn’t seen anything else other than Manhattan and her hometown.

Now being in Niagara Falls was something cool, but also something way out of her safety zone at home. A slight panic pulsated through her chest.

Breathe. Am I getting like my mother? Scared of leaving the house?

This thought made her push through it. No way in hell she would become like her mother.

It’s going to be alright. Julie is here with you; it is only three days and today is almost over.

“Miss Regan, Miss Richardson, welcome,” a man in all black greeted them as they stepped out of the car into the entrance of the massive resort. “Service will set up your rooms. Please find yourself straight to the event center, you are awaited there. You are free to use the elevators or take the stairs over there, in case you feel like moving your legs after your journey.”

And while Julie answered, behaving as if she had been here a million times, she felt like being pushed around. In her, the dying wish to get to her room and charge her social battery from too much peopling.

“Em, come,” called Julie for her. Preoccupied with taking in the massiveness of the entry, she hadn’t quite noticed Julie already reached the elevators and held the door to one of them open.

When they reached the event center, it was super weird. Instantly, a feeling of regret spread in her; all the alarms in her told her to run. Julie, who must have seen it in her eyes, took her by the hand. “No running this time, Em.”

Fuck.

There stood about two handfuls of people, all wearing black special-forces-vibes-giving clothes. While everything was mostly dark, only a few dim lights lit certain areas where people dropped personal belongings into boxes. Overall, it gave her the feeling of checking into a prison. At least that’s what she imagined it to be like from all the movies she had watched.

Only this was supposed to be a life-changing event, not a high-security wing.

“Name?” asked one of the people .

“Julie Regan, Emma Richardson.”

“Alright, please proceed to Point 4 for check-up.”

Like I said, prison.

“ Hi, my name’s Meera. So nice to meet you,” beamed a very young-looking, very excited Indian-looking girl at them. “I’m your team leader for this weekend. Please turn off all your electronic devices and put them into the designated box here, they will be stored safely and given back to you after the weekend.”

No way in hell am I storing my phone in a box where I can’t reach it for two and half days.

“Em, do it.”

“Absolutely not. I thought this was to make my life better, not more miserable.”

“The event is designed for your focus to be a hundred percent present. It is essential there is no outside communication. It will be so amazing, give yourself a push,” Meera told her.

Damnit.

“Julie, I’ll kill you personally for this Sunday.”

Julie laughed. “On Sunday, you’ll be so excited about life, I promise you’ll thank me for this forever.”

“Never. Promise,” she growled but then surrendered her phone, her laptop, headphones and smartwatch into the box, which was then sealed with a bracelet.

“This,” said Meera, handing them each the bracelet, “is your key. You can enter designated areas with it and access your box with it on Sunday.”

“So, we’re being tracked.”

“You are monitored in case something happens.”

“Something happens? Like what?”

“It’s just a precaution. Nothing physically dangerous will happen. Some people might just have a more fragile constitution, and we’re taking care of you.”

Or you’re doing risk management. Fragile constitution, as if, she thought with a cocked eyebrow at Meera, who was way too happy and bubbly. You are wearing a mask, too, Meera. Definitely hiding something behind the excitement. I can see it in your eyes.

“We’ll do a small checkup, if you’d please fill out the questionnaire on t he tablet, you can take it to the room over there” - she pointed to an open door behind them - “and take your time please. When you are ready, please return the tablet to Matt, he’s the one by the door, and he’ll give you an overview.”

Being handed a tablet, she scanned the questionnaire.

Definitely risk management.

They asked for previous known diagnoses and psychological disorders; she saw questions that tried to rule out or flag mental issues, known past traumas, overall state of health and joy in life, even questions about relationships and parents. She had seen it before in evaluations of her psyche, and those questions told a lot about the person answering them. In her spread the feeling of violated privacy, nowhere in hell would she fill this out truthfully. She had no idea where she was, who these people were, or what they’d do with the information linked to her name.

So instead of self-assessing herself as a walking red flag, she certified herself to be in the best health and purposefully lied on the parents’ questions.

Desperate times, she told herself to quieten her conscience.

Matt was a man with very soft features and a voice like silk that made her want to listen to him forever. He explained the rules of the weekend, but somehow, she couldn’t follow a sentence straight. Rules was a love-hate relationship to her. A part of her loved rules, but only the ones she set. Other rules she couldn’t follow, hell she couldn’t even process them.

“Any questions?” he finally asked, and her mind set in again. And as they had none, he showed them to the door to the main area.

“Sounds so exciting, don’t you think? Like a mission.”

She could see in Julie’s eyes how exhilarated she was. She loved stuff like this, she loved to dive into the unknown, meet new people, and do everything social and adventure-related in general.

Holy crap! She groaned ever so loudly as she stepped into a hall with hundreds of people lined up on chairs. Revulsion engulfed her immediately. The smell of the r oom was bedazzling, as if someone had smoked it with too many incense sticks. It made her a bit drowsy, while her head began to hurt, accompanied by her fast-beating heart from being presented with so many people.

I fucking hate strong smells. And I fucking hate people!

“J, are you kidding me?” A dozen of people turned their heads and stared at her with glazing eyes.

“Em, no talking,” hissed Julie.

No talking?

It must have been one of the rules.

“How many people are here?” she whispered.

“Supposed to be around 1,500. I told you; you had to get out of your comfort zone. Now follow the rules.”

The fuck I will.

“I didn’t process it, zoomed out.”

Now it was Julie who groaned because in their whole life together she had heard this sentence like a million times, especially in school.

And as they reached their designated chairs, Julie reached for the notebook and pencil set out on each of the seats and scribbled the essentials on it.

1. No talking, except allowed if requested.

2. Once entered, you cannot leave until Sunday.

3. Don’t give advice.

4. Don’t judge.

5. Leave the bad vibes outside the room.

6. Tears are welcomed.

7. Sharing only in sharing spaces.

8. Always follow the orders of the team leaders.

9. If you are not feeling well, go to team leaders or share in sharing spaces.

10. Nothing of what happens here gets outside, by participating, you agree to non-disclosure for anyone outside.

Staring at the page, her mind started to race. This was beyond outrageous. All of it revolted her. It literally felt as if her insides were separating itself from her body. She was forced into doing whatever it was in the hopes of a better life, only in the disguise of dominance, control and power play.

I need to get out of here. Like quick.

And while she glanced around, she saw every entrance guarded by some of the team members. She also saw Meera, who entered the door they’d come through. She placed herself at the door, as if it were a fortress with gold behind it. Only it was freedom. And right now, she had been robbed of her freedom against her will.

Fuck.

Suddenly, loud rustling noises, like water running distantly down a river, began to play. When it stopped, a deep and rich sound of a heart vibrated through her head and torso.

Bum…bum.

Bum…bum.

It was a slow, dangerous rhythm.

And then everything went pitch black.

The sound of the beating heart stopped.

Silence filled the room.

Someone breathed heavily into a microphone.

It was a deep male voice.

Rasping.

“I am your shadow,” growled the voice so deep into the microphone that goosebumps spread all over her skin. And not the good kind of them. Her insides clenched.

“And you are a worthless piece of shit.”

What the hell?

Prickling, stabbing pain seared through her chest. It was like her own inner voice replaying out loud.

“You are less than nothing.”

Fuck. I can’t deal with it.

“You deserve every last bit of shit life throws at you.”

No. Get out of my head.

The darkness zoomed in on her. It was too much. Not knowing, not seeing, not being able to get out – it overwhelmed her. Something in or around her was spinning; she couldn’t tell.

“You are weak. ”

Please stop.

A scream cut through the silence, a horrific, earth-shattering scream.

A scream she felt with all of her senses.

Footsteps followed it, and then silence fell again onto the room.

More breathing.

A shudder like ice ran down her spine, she dug her nails into her arm, desperately trying to stay grounded by inflicting pain on herself. Everything in her wanted to crouch down and rock herself.

“Like I said, weak. Fragile. Worthless.”

Her heart now hammered so fast against her chest that it stumbled over its own beats.

Fuck. Breathe.

Sweat ran down her forehead as her breathing became erratic.

Boom.

The sound of an explosion erupted through the room, its waves running through her body.

No! Stop!

Another explosion shattered through the speakers. So heavy, she felt the floor beneath her feet rumble.

I can’t breathe.

Stop!

The sound of rushing water filled her ears from left, right, and center.

Where am I?

I am drowning.

And she completely lost control over where was up and where was down.

I need to get out.

I need to breathe.

But as she stood up, there was nothing. Nowhere to go as more sounds of water, explosions and wind rushed around her.

She started to spin, trying to follow the sounds until her dizzy, bedazzled self could not feel the floor under her feet anymore .

And as she fell to the floor, silence filled the room again.

Breathe, Emma, breathe.

Footsteps issued through the room, and they drew nearer. And nearer. And nearer. Until a dark, controlled voice, a sound she’d never forget, whispered in her ear while his breath blew soft against it.

“Did you miss me, love?”

And the moment his words hit her mind, everything went blank. Her throat clenched; there was no more air to breathe as images of her past rushed into her mind.

Engulfing her.

Taking over as the world around her disappeared.

A scream resounded in her ears, shattering her insides.

It was her own.

“Emma.”

“Em!”

“Why wasn’t she flagged?” asked a female voice.

“Clean history.”

“She sure as hell hasn’t, I’ve known her since childhood, it was a mess.”

Julie’s voice.

“But her checkup chart is empty!”

“Meera, calm down, people lie all the time, this one’s your first. Happened before, will happen again.”

“Emma.”

Voices. So many voices.

“Emma, focus on my voice.” It was his voice. So grounding. But there were so many memories. So many memories.

Breathing against her neck.

And a shudder running through her body before reality distorted and her mind flashed back.

The Lord of the Rings poster with Gollum’s glowing eyes staring at her in the dark while his hand wandered around her belly.

“You smell so lovely, love.”

Something hard pushing against her back.

“Mommy…”

“Mommy is asleep, you don’t want to wake her, do you? She i s always so fragile.”

His hand creeps under her pajamas.

“Did you miss me, love?”

“NO!” she shouted out so loudly and jumped up. Fear consumed her, ripping her soul into pieces of darkness.

A touch on her arm.

“Emma, what did you see?”

Her unfocused eyes wandered from the touch to the person the hand and voice belonged to. And when her eyes finally focused, she glanced straight into the ice-blue eyes that had already pierced her, stripped her, ripped her open. In them, no concern but a longing.

“My…father,” she started, but then her voice broke as she heard movement behind her, and the realization hit her that she wasn’t alone. Spinning around, seeing all the people staring at her. Fear zoomed in on her once again.

“Everyone, out,” he ordered them.

And as the door clicked, he sat himself front facing her to her on the floor.

“Tell me what he did.” Even now, where she was so occupied in her mind, listening to her body, she still noticed the longing in his voice that he couldn’t hide. There he sat, Deis, staring at her with eyes almost eating her.

What the hell?

And somewhere, very deep down in her, she knew all of this wasn’t a coincidence. There could only be so much.

“He whispered the same words into my ears as you… you…” she stammered. “Every time he’d tuck me tight and…and–” She couldn’t speak it out loud.

Unable to say why she told him, why words poured out of her, why she wasn’t angry, why she wasn't revolting, fleeing, or getting out of the danger zone, she just let the words flow, unfiltered, untamed, and uncontrolled as they came.

Her body began to tremble while she told him what she remembered, what her father did, and a coldness filled her veins she had neve r felt before as a painful realization hit her.

“Didn’t you know before?”

“No, I…I never…I only have a few memories of my childhood.”

“Your mind protected you from overwhelm. Until my words triggered the memory. That is exactly what this whole weekend is about. You will free yourself from whatever holds you back, ma belle .”

“You don’t seriously believe I’ll continue after this?” And as he triggered the rage in her, she was finally able to focus her mind again.

“Oh, you will. You’ll actually be the one I’ll coach publicly.”

“Absolutely fucking not. I will not pour out my soul and story in front of more than a thousand people.”

“You will because I say so. See it as punishment for the stunt you pulled with the police. And if you run, I’ll promise you, you’ll watch behind your back for the rest of your life.”

This man had no empathy, no conscience, not a single feeling of guilt or regret. There was no further need for confirmation. She saw it, right this moment, clearer than ever.

“You will give up control, and if I need to break you in order for you to do it, because your stubborn, righteous, moral ass does not allow it any other way.”

What the fuck?

And as the words sank in, for the first time, she feared him. Truly, utterly feared him.

I need to get away. Far, far away.

“At least I have morals,” she said dismissively.

“Do you? Or do you just tell yourself as much because people will like you more then?”

His words seared through her like a knife. He pushed her onto the cliff she stood on her entire life. The cliff of doing what was right, socially accepted, required, and needed while something in her wanted all the things, wanted so much more, to dive into the wild waters waiting for her to finally jump. Only there was no coming back from it, as the water would eat her like a butterfly with broken wings falling into a volcano .

“Look at me.”

Unable to help herself but follow his order once again, her gaze wandered up into his eyes, and he gripped her chin, pulling her softly towards him.

“There’s nothing you cannot do, ma belle . You only need to allow yourself to truly be you. There is this lioness in you waiting to be released. And you might not see it, but I do. When I see you, all I see is this beautiful, raw soul burning me to the ground just by existing. You are so much, Emma. If you’d only allow yourself to see it, too. Because I do, ma belle, I do. Everything is possible. Everything.”

A part of her wanted to declare him a liar, but as she glanced into his eyes, he meant every fucking word of it.

And then he leaned forward, his soft, quite hot lips met hers, sweetly consuming her insides as fire burst from her core up to her stomach to her chest.

No one had ever believed in her. Feeling his words flow through her made her high from an unbelievably ecstatic rush circling through her veins.

The dangerous stranger she should run from.

Should.