The Guru: Shadow (Dark Triad #1)

13. Emma

13

EMMA

PLAYLIST: JOTUNHEIM - DANHEIM

I t’s Saturday. I survived yesterday. Barely.

The night had been awful. She hadn’t slept at all; a part of her felt everything, while the rest of her tried to shut out all emotions. Obsessive, overwhelming thoughts tried to engulf her in a never-ending darkness, while her mind tried to recall all her childhood memories. It was crushing, and for more than a dozen times she had thought about ending the crap-shit of an event and get the hell out of here.

Only she didn’t do it. Primarily because of the stupidest reason ever: she wanted to prove she was worth believing in. Secondly, she was scared. Scared of being alone with herself and her thoughts. And scared of Deis. He made it abundantly clear she would pay heavily if she quit. The threat he sent after her while she left the room still resounded in her ears. He had gripped her arm, pulled her back, only to whisper darkly in her ear.

Leave, and I’ll destroy your life, starting with posting the video.

Just thinking of it made a shudder run down her spine.

In that moment, she had frozen. Because he had shown his real face. It was a power play for him, and she was the prize. He wanted somethin g – her, and he would not stop until he had her. He would do everything to get her, even if it meant destroying her.

So, she stayed. Frozen in her body while her mind raced to find an escape.

She was already awake when her alarm went off to remind her she had to attend meditation; her mind doing flic-flacks through her head. It was 4.30 in the morning.

Meditating. Sitting still. Not her strength. Especially not when forced. And while being in a room with hundreds, even more than a thousand people, who all felt things and all sent vibes into the room, it was even worse. So, when she sat there in the dimly lit room, trying to focus, she was nothing more than a ping-pong ball being shot across the room by other people’s emotions.

Deis walked through the room while he did this strange thing called guided mediation, which gave her the creeps only from listening.

“Become onnneee wwwiiith theee voooid.”

Chills ran down her spine as he walked past. And then his arms gripped around her. His touch almost made her gasp for air.

“Leeettt iiittt goooooo,” he growled darkly into the mic directly behind her. “Leeettt yourselfffff be consuuumed byyy theee voooid.”

Geez.

A deep breath of relief issued from her throat as he let go and moved past her. Immediately, she opened an eye and squinted through it, glancing around. Everyone else seemed to be all in.

Why and how are they doing it? It’s rubbish!

Unable to say how much time had passed, eventually the music stopped and the whole room went pitch black again. The memory of what happened last time made her heart hammer against her chest, her hands became sweaty in an instant.

“Now it is time to transform your shadow into light,” came Deis’ voice in the dark, and then all the lights in the room went on with a cra zy light show, while some weird Viking-like electronic music filled the room.

It made all of her brain hurt. It was too bright. Too many flashes. Too loud.

“Free yourself!” shouted Deis like an order into the mic, with such a growling undertone it was quite frightening.

“It is time…to let go!”

“Let go of everything!”

“Shake. It. Off!”

And people around her began to dance, to shake themselves, to jump as if no one would be watching in an animalistic sort of way, fitting the carnal vibes of the music. They all just followed his orders. Even Julie, next to her, let herself go in full ecstasy.

The hell I will.

She just stood there, rooted to the spot. Staring at Deis on stage, hyping them up.

Don’t they see? It’s a show. A manipulation. And he enjoys every last bit of it. Look at his eyes, it’s all in there.

Only everyone else was too energetically high to observe him. To not trust him. People celebrated him, and it was exactly what he wanted.

Then, his eyes met hers. Full of danger they shouted at her to run. They were dark, calculating, and he was loaded from all the power he got. The room around them disappeared, like on the very first day they met. Only this time she knew for sure how dangerous he was; she knew what would come, and yet she was rooted to the spot. Unable to move. He would tear her apart, like a wolf ripping a sheep.

The music stopped, and the silence circled her back into her surroundings. Just for the fraction of a second, the corner of his mouth twitched. Something would come, and she knew exactly what.

“It is so amazing to see all of you here, breaking the cycle of many generations. This weekend will finally free you from your past and allow you to step into a new life. This weekend will unlock your potential, unleash the true self waiting so desperately to be freed,” he said with a smile .

She had never seen him smile before, and it was not an honest one. It was a mask, a show, a manipulation, like everything else.

And people cheered, adored him.

“Are you ready to finally be free?” he shouted into the microphone.

And the room unanimously cheered, “Yeeeeees.”

Gods, cut the crap.

“So, let’s start. You’ll now hug the person next to you and tell them something empowering, something you love about them, even if you don’t know them”

Hugging. Telling someone I don’t know what I love about them? This is a joke, right?

As the whole room started buzzing, Julie slung her arms around her and hugged her. “You are so brave to go through all this.”

I am not brave; I was forced to do it. Big difference.

Forcing out a “You are sunshine lighting up everyone around you” she ended the hug quickly, while she had the urge to shake something off.

Deis then went into an endless lecture about how life can change in the fraction of a second, how someone just needs to be open for endless possibilities and how everyone was the creator of their own life.

Classist bullshit.

She knew it would end in something like that the moment Julie had told her. And now, it became a nightmare, even worse than she had expected. It made her want to drown in the Niagara Falls.

Glancing around the room, she saw all the people gazing up at Deis in complete amazement; they worshipped him. All of them. Blended and consumed by his manipulation through the beautiful chosen words and his effective use of expression and language, it was all it needed to have people believe it. Well, and to give them hope.

But she saw it – she knew what lay hidden behind that carefully curated mask. She saw the cold depth in his eyes beneath the fake smiles and sparkling glances. Oh, he was good, no question about it. Pushing people through their fears, making them vulnerable, ripping them open to only to hook them by their desires and needs, offering solutions for their deepest pain, letting them hope for a better life – it was a genius strategy to make people depend on it. It made them do what he wanted. None of it was the fault of the people; they just took the last straw he held out for them. And he got people admiring him out of it. People doing what he wanted, giving him their money and souls stripped bare. It was brilliant, as much as it disgusted her.

Truly a master of his art.

And nobody saw it. Nobody even questioned his intentions because he was too good. So unbelievably good at hiding what lay beneath. The intentions, in truth, have nothing to do with helping but everything with building a legacy for himself.

She had suspected, and now she knew. She saw it. Witnessed it live.

And maybe she was the only one that saw it, because she knew exactly how to put on a mask like that. Only she did not use it to exploit people, but to survive.

“Emma, how are you feeling today?” Deis suddenly asked her, and 1,500 heads turned to her. All her insides clenched, as she wanted nothing more than a hole in the mountains to hide herself in for the rest of her life.

A crew member pressed a microphone in her hand while she just stared at him, completely frozen.

He really did it.

“Emma had her shadow overwhelm her last night, and today, we’ll work through her transformation together.”

Fuck you. By all means. Fuck you to the next galaxy and back!

“Why don’t you tell us what problems you are facing in your life?”

Radio silence. The people. Her. Panic made her heart beat up to her throat.

“From what I heard yesterday, your father abused you as a child. So, tell us, how do you feel?”

Her throat tightened. He had done it. Now everyone knew. Blind rage boiled in her. So heavy, her skin felt like she was on fire.

How I feel? Are you like, mental? How do you think I feel having all those people hear it ?

“Maybe it is a bit much to process right now, that’s okay, Emma. Maybe it helps you to see that you are not alone. Please, everyone, who else was abused as a child, please stand up.”

Why would he have people admit it? Push them through it in such an unsafe setting?

Glancing around, ten, fifteen, twenty, thirty, fifty, and even more people stood up. It was horrific. So many people. Abused.

“See, Emma. You are not alone. So, tell me, what are your problems in life?”

Julie gave her a nudge. “Em, do it. Give yourself a push. You are already here.”

And she didn’t know why she said it, but it just poured out of her with a shaky voice.

“N-Nothing seems t-to work out for me.” The moment she had said it, her body rolled back her shoulders automatically, as if it had to remove something, shake off that awful perception of shame and judgement.

“What is nothing, exactly?”

“Can’t keep a job, can’t finish my studies, can’t maintain relationships, and life overwhelms me in general.”

Here you go, y’all. I’m the loser.

“Who do you believe is responsible for that?” Deis asked while he walked from the stage down straight towards her.

“My parents for fucking up my life.”

“No.”

You’ve got to be kidding me! And more anger rose in her.

“You are responsible, Emma. Because you let your past define your future.”

And then he reached her.

She could only stare at him while her heart pounded relentlessly against her chest.

“Tell me, you’ve thought about killing yourself many times, haven’t you, Emma?”

The room around her began to spin. The moment he said it, everything in her started to buzz, her ears, it was too much.

“Answer.”

She nodded.

So many fucking times .

“I see you. I feel you. We all do. Here’s the thing, Emma. You have a choice. You can go back to your old and miserable life, lying to yourself. Or we can make a deal in front of all these witnesses that, from now on, you will be you, unapologetically you. And you will go out for your dreams, you will fight for what you want, and there will be no more people ruling your life.”

There they were, his piercing eyes, staring at her. One of his hands on the right side of her face. But she did not feel it. She felt none of it because it was all a fucking lie. It was a role he played; nothing of it meant anything to him. He was unable to feel empathy. The only reason he was ‘helping’ others was because they thanked him for it. And she would sure as hell not be a part of it. There were indeed no more people ruling her life. Starting with him. And she let her microphone fall to the floor.

“I see you, too,” she whispered and wiggled out of his grip and ran.

“Emma, stop,” he roared after her.

And she stopped just for a step.

“If you leave now, there is no coming back. You must see, life always happens for you, not to you.”

But she didn’t hear him anymore.

I must get out. I must. There is not enough air in here.

The moment she burst out of the conference room, air flooded her lungs again. She leaned against the wall opposite the door, trembling. All those people knew her face and her story now.

And then the door opened again. Deis stormed out, ripped the microphone from his face and threw it on the floor.

Something in his eyes had changed. Or his mask was finally off. But what she saw made her run.

“Not another step,” he roared behind her.

Exit, where is the fucking exit?

But it was too late. His presence behind her radiated onto her back before his hand gripped around her wrist.

“I told you to stop. ”

With it, he pulled her back and pushed her hard front facing into the wall next to them.

“I am not your puppet.”

“No, you are not. But you are mine.” And he leaned himself onto her, one hand wandering around her throat.

Damn.

A shiver like a waterfall of ice cascaded down her back, and somewhere deep down, in her deepest and most hidden core, an ecstatic prickling sprang to life. Only it couldn’t be. He was a dangerous man, and she would not let herself be consumed by him again.

“I’ll never be yours.”

“Oh you already are. You were from the moment I fucked that pestilent mouth of yours. And I told you, you’ll pay for it if you leave.”

“I. Am. Not. Yours. So, fuck off.”

“You know, I’d rather fuck you right here, where everyone can see what a disobedient broken minx you are.”

And she could feel his hard cock pressing against her butt.

“You’d never. People would see. What would people think of you when they read the papers tomorrow and learn their favorite guru raped a client at an event? They’d eat you alive and all your power would be gone.”

Still sharp under pressure. Thank that non existent God for that ability.

It was the only thing she could think of. The only way to grasp a man like him by the balls was through ego, his deepest longings, and desires. “And aside from that, I only did what you told me, not have others rule my life.”

“Mhhhm,” he breathed into her ear, which made goosebumps prick her back in a silent shiver. It was like she had a violent bear standing behind her, waiting for it to decide whether to eat her or not.

She should fear him. But then, she had never felt more alive than with him. It was a blissful second where she embraced being alive, feeling thrilled and almost high from it.

And exactly at that moment, he pushed himself off and whirled her around. On his face, a malicious grin while he backed off, pierci ng her with his eyes.

“Run, love, run. And watch your back.”