The Hollow Gods (The Chaos Cycle #1)

Chapter 39

Chapter

Thirty-Nine

Miya stirred when the warmth enveloping her peeled away, and Kai’s weight lifted from the mattress. Stretching her limbs, she banished the dregs of sleep and squinted into the darkness. She caught Kai’s silhouette as he straightened, buckled his belt, and threw on a shirt. He paused and turned towards her, his animal senses no doubt alerting him to her wakefulness.

“Where are you going?” she asked groggily. The cabin walls were threadbare, the chilly autumn air seeping in and leaving goosebumps over her skin.

“Hunting,” his voice cut through the blackness.

“Aren’t you tired?”

He picked up his hunting knife and strapped it to his belt. “I only sleep a few hours at a time. Four at the most.”

Miya curled into a tight ball. The prospect of being alone in the forest at night left her uneasy. She wracked her brain for an excuse to make him stay—anything.

Why do you need an excuse? Just say you don’t want to be left alone , she badgered herself, but her mind wouldn’t stop spinning. There had to be a better reason than that—something he couldn’t say no to.

Yet no matter how much she tried to eschew the truth, she couldn’t think of anything convincing. Realizing she had no pretence to fall back on, Miya braced herself for a rebuff—or worse, mockery. Without any time to rehearse, she choked out, “I don’t want you to go. Your cabin is creepy as hell.”

She thought insulting his cabin would make the whole thing seem more casual, but instead, she felt like a wimp. She’d never made such blatant demands on anyone. She couldn’t even ask her parents for help or talk to her best friend about how afraid she was, how lost and alone she felt.

Kai laughed sharply as she insulted his home, the sound shredding the stillness. “I’m not going far.”

“Please,” she insisted. “I’m…really not used to being in a lightless ramshackle in the middle of the woods—with a demonic spirit lurking around to boot. And frankly…it’s freezing . I hadn’t noticed earlier because you’re a damn space heater.”

He hesitated then, shifting his weight as though considering her words. “Aren’t you hungry?”

“Yes,” she said, “but I’d rather have you than food. I’ll eat in the morning.”

At that, he unstrapped his hunting knife and came over to her. The mattress dipped with his weight, and the moment he was within reach, Miya wrapped both arms around him and hauled him down. Mercifully, he cooperated, chuckling as he stripped off his clothes.

“What?” he asked when he caught her staring. “Skin on skin feels better.”

Her heart flopped hopelessly against her ribs, but she wasn’t about to protest as his arms encircled her. He maneuvered her until she found her backside pressed snuggly against his hips. His warm breath fell on her nape, and she craned her neck as his lips roamed over her skin.

“Thanks for staying.” Her eyes drifted shut, though she began to wonder if he’d been itching to leave. “How long have you been awake?”

He shrugged, shifting his arm. “Not sure. A few hours maybe?”

“And you’ve just been lying there, staring into space?”

“Dozing mostly,” he said, shifting onto his back.

He didn’t even blink when she plunked her head down by his shoulder. After a moment, she found the courage to roll into him, sneak a leg over his thigh, and splay her hand over his abdomen. He didn’t react. No awkward shuffling. No sudden tension. The only perceptible movement was the steady rise and fall of his chest. His fingers found her hair, gently combing through the long wavy strands.

Unnerved by his calm, Miya asked, “What are you thinking about?”

“Absolutely nothing,” he said blandly, no hint of sarcasm.

It wasn’t until she grew restless and her limbs scraped over him that the night’s earlier activities cascaded through her mind in a delicious flurry. Her gaze trailed the lines of his naked form.

Miya was sure he heard her pulse quicken. He smiled knowingly, making no effort to move away.

“Get used to it,” Kai advised with a yawn.

Try as she might, Miya found herself unable to move past those words. Did that mean they’d be waking up together more often? She supposed they’d agreed to… something . They hadn’t really given it a name, and truthfully, Miya wasn’t sure what special friends meant . Hannah would have stared at her and declared, So, you’re fuck buddies?

Which would’ve been fine had Miya wanted that, but she’d explicitly avoided semantics that would’ve given him permission to be cavalier.

Not that Kai had given her reason to think he’d be callous towards her. Still, there were a million shades of grey between friendship and romantic love, and Kai was somewhere on that gamut. Where, exactly, was a mystery. Miya decided the important part was that he’d agreed to exclusivity, but she kept tripping over the prospect of it going smoothly. When did relationships ever go smoothly?

As her mind battled itself, Kai idly stroked her abdomen, drawing slow circles that wound lower, then lower still.

Was he being coy? Trying to hint at what he wanted? Or was he just messing with her, knowing full well the effect he was having?

When Miya finally glanced up, he was grinning, the mischief in his eyes answering her question. As if a wolf would practice subtlety in anything, let alone seduction. He’d simply wanted to make her squirm.

“Ass!” She smacked the arm responsible for caressing her.

Kai laughed raucously, her flustered flailing clearly a source of entertainment.

“Screw you,” she chuckled, then lightly whacked him below the waist. “And this thing too.”

His laughter only intensified, echoing through the cabin like a riot. “You did screw me—”

She groaned loudly before he could finish. When her embarrassment passed, she risked a gander.

“What?” he probed.

“Just…getting to know you,” she said carefully, and he snorted in response.

“Did you need measuring tape?” he asked, his fingers trailing lightly down her shoulder and over her arm.

She rolled her eyes. “It’s not like I’ve got a point of comparison.”

He raised an eyebrow, a smirk playing on his lips. “Just enjoying the view?”

She smiled back. “Something like that.”

He looked more relaxed than she’d ever seen him, allowing her the space to act at her leisure. He didn’t care that she was studying him like a specimen under a microscope, or that her mind was wild with confusion about how, exactly, she was supposed to behave. He just lay there, entirely unbothered, skimming over every inch of her with a lazy, featherlight touch.

Wait three days before texting. Act casual. Make him think he wants you more than you want him.

She was afraid that being honest would incite his ire, or worse, his revulsion. Miya knew it made no sense to feel that way, yet years of poor outcomes with other men had taught her to expect the nonsensical.

I thought you were chill , one college freshman had said when Miya asked him why his tongue had found its way down a classmate’s throat. He knew Miya was interested in him.

It’s not like I’m dating you , he’d sneered in non-response, then promptly blocked her on social media.

As if they had to be dating for him to treat her with common courtesy.

She couldn’t stop mulling over how it continued to affect her—how hard it’d been to ask Kai to stay. Some part of her was still petrified that he felt smothered or annoyed.

How trivial, to be scared of the dark.

She’d gone through life never making demands on people because she was afraid her demands weren’t worth anyone’s time. And that included the trifling ones—something as small as a hug or as banal as an honest conversation.

She hated it. She didn’t want to live in fear of being denied, but she couldn’t stop herself from wondering what he thought of her—if he regretted giving her the opportunity to ask for his commitment.

“Hey—” she ventured.

He slanted his head. “Hm?”

“This thing we’re doing…we’re not just exclusive fuck buddies, are we?”

His mouth tugged into a frown. “Is that what you’re freaking out about?”

How did he know? Could he smell that too?

“It’s just…I don’t really know what a special friend is,” she admitted. “Maybe I should have asked—I’m sorry. There’s a lot of terminology that gets thrown around and I don’t know what any of it means and—”

His hand clamped down on her forearm. “Slow the fuck down,” he interrupted, then sighed heavily. “Did you think I was going to fuck off because you wanted to touch my dick?”

Her mouth opened and closed. “I—maybe…And because I made you stay with me when you wanted to leave. I thought you’d decide I’m more trouble than I’m worth.”

Kai grumbled under his breath and dropped his head on the mattress. “How gaping of an asshole do you think I am?”

Miya wrinkled her nose at the idiom. “I don’t think—”

“All right, listen,” he interjected. “First off, I didn’t want to leave. I got up to hunt because I was done sleeping and you haven’t eaten in a week—”

“It’s been, like, a day…”

“Whatever. Practically a week. Second, you didn’t force me to do shit, Lambchop ,” he emphasized her nickname. “You said you’d rather have me than food, so I gave you what you wanted.”

“I guess…” It never occurred to her that he’d actually want to oblige her wishes.

“Third…” He rolled his neck out, then glanced at her. “You’ve seen me drooling on the floor half dead and looking like a goddamn potato. I puked up what tasted like literal shit right in front of you, murdered Bambi, and bit your arm like some rabid dog trying to wake you from a nightmare, but you’re worried I’ll fuck buddy my way out of this?”

“I don’t know,” Miya stammered. She turned onto her back and rubbed her hands over her face, her voice muffled behind her palms. “It’s not the first time I’ve felt like I’ve bonded with someone only to have them ghost me.”

“I thought we agreed you could have me to yourself,” he reminded her.

“We did, and I’m happy you’re okay with it.” She hesitated, fighting the lump that kept crawling up her esophagus. She dropped her hands to her sides and looked at him. “But that’s just sex.”

He let out a hefty sigh. “You also told me you wanted to be friends.”

“In my experience,” she began, “friendship means a lot less to people once they start sleeping with you. Hence the fuck buddies.”

Kai scoffed. “I think we’re well past the point of being buddies , fucking aside.” His jaw clenched as he considered her, and for a moment, she thought she saw him tamp down a grimace. “Do you know why I don’t have any friends?”

“Because you live out in the woods and hate people?”

He rolled his eyes. “Besides that.”

“Not really, no.”

“Because I take that shit seriously,” he said, his voice low. “It takes a lot out of me, and after Alice died, I couldn’t be bothered to give that much of myself to anyone. And what’s the point if I can’t be myself? Besides, most people don’t have friends. They have…bodies they kill time with.”

Miya’s mind ceased its crazed spinning as she mulled over this. He was a wolf—an impossible truth to disclose, but a necessary one for a genuine bond. Had Kai avoided commitments precisely because he took them seriously? “Other than Alice, have you had any friends?”

He thought about it for a moment. “No.”

Miya took a deep breath, her heart heavy. “No love to spare, huh?”

“No love, no trust, no loyalty,” he said. “So, when I told you we could be friends, I meant it. The fucking doesn’t change that.”

Miya rolled onto her stomach, her arm pressed to his side. “If you really take friendship that seriously, you’d make a better boyfriend than most guys who say they’re looking for their soulmate.”

Kai winced at the b-word, and Miya snorted. “Sorry, do you prefer friends with benefits then?”

He gestured up and down his body. “I wouldn’t call this a benefit.”

“Oh? What is it then?”

He angled his head, struggling to keep a straight face. “The core package.”

Miya blinked, then snorted back a laugh. She supposed that was true; friends with benefits made it sound like the benefits were somehow external to the relationship—something tacked on. Suddenly, the phrase special friend didn’t sound so foreboding. It hadn’t been an evasion or an understatement; it actually meant quite a lot.

“And you’re okay with our…difference in experience?” she asked, quieting the last of her fears.

He flashed her a roguish grin. “Don’t worry. By the end of the month, you’ll be as filthy as I am.”

There it was again—that unnerving confidence of his, seeping into her bones and stirring her senses like a drug. “So, we’re stuck together?”

“We are,” he confirmed, no hint of regret in his tone.

Uncertainties salved, Miya lowered her head onto his chest. Her eyes drifted shut, and the pull of sleep dragged her down until she sank into its welcoming embrace.