The Last Thing She Wants (Chestnut Hills #1)

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ellie

“Okay. What’s the vibe? Phish Food or Cherry Garcia?” Daisy held up two pints of ice cream as she stood in front of the fridge, propping the freezer door open with her shoulder.

“Garcia,” I replied from the couch. I watched as my best friend put the other container in the icebox, then raided the cabinets for two bowls and spoons. “Ditch the bowls, bring the spoons.”

Daisy widened her eyes in surprise, but obeyed. With a thump, she landed on the couch next to me and removed the lid from the container of creamy, cherry, goodness. I grabbed one spoon and scooped out a bite without hesitation.

“So…” Daisy led hopefully, but sighed when I didn’t respond. “Spill, girl.”

Rolling my eyes, I took another bite of ice cream. “There’s nothing to spill, Daze. I’m not his type. End of story.”

My best friend let out a loud laugh. “Sure, and my art is being featured in the National Pottery and Ceramics Showcase,” she said sarcastically, referencing her dream spot at the prestige New York City art show.

I gave her a pointed look, signaling my seriousness.

“Ellie,” she whined, drawing out my name. “The man had it ba-ad for you. He is practically a walking flagpole, and the flag of Ellie Branson is at full mast twenty-four-seven. Tell me what actually happened .”

Groaning, I threw my head back in frustration. “I honestly can’t explain it, Daze. Everything was fine. Then I went down to the leasing office, and he was there with Lucy. Flashbacks of Shane and Celine were just punching me in the gut, one after another. It was like déjà vu. The last year of my life played back in my head, and I realized that this is my role. I am the woman the guy is with until he realizes the woman he really wants is someone else—”

A fluffy pillow abruptly cut off my sentence when it made contact with the side of my face.

“That’s the biggest load of crap ever! What happened to being Ellie fucking Branson? Theo is not Shane, and this is not the same situation. Did something happen between Theo and Lucy to make you think this?”

“Well…no, but—” I dodged another pillow. “Stop throwing things at me!”

“But nothing. This is all in your head. Do not let you talk you out of being the happiest you, you can be.” Daisy punctuated each word with a poke in my side.

“Shut up and eat your ice cream,” I scowled and scooped another chunk of Ben and Jerry’s.

Was it all in my head? Could it be true that I let this man slip through my fingers because of insecurities Shand planted in my head? Hadn’t Theo met every challenge with understanding and kindness? Even when I distanced myself, he waited for me. Was it because he knew something I didn’t?

I played back every touch, every kiss, every stolen look. My skin pricked with the memory of his fingers pressing against me. My breath hitched, remembering the feel of my inner walls pulsing around his cock as stars and light consumed me. And my heart sank at the thought that I’d possibly lost him and at the memory of leaving him standing in my entryway.

“Damnit!” I shouted in realization, cutting off Daisy’s rambling about something I didn’t hear a lick of.

“What the heck, man?” she exclaimed in response. Looking down, she scooped up a dollop of ice cream I had caused her to drop with my yelling.

Grabbing her by the arm, I caused her to spill more ice cream. She groaned in frustration.

“Sorry,” I said, wincing. Slapping a hand to my forehead, I slumped back against the couch. “I fucked up, Daze. Why did I do this? Why do I do this?”

My best friend gently rubbed my arm reassuringly. “It’s okay, babe. That man is crazy about you. Just talk to him.”

“But that doesn’t fix what’s wrong with me ,” I sighed. “What if I never change? What if I’m always like this and we turn into one of those couples that are on and off and on and off, while everyone talks behind our backs about how we should ‘just break up already?’”

“Well, you know me. I’m a full send type of gal. The way I see it,” she said, waving her spoon around, “you have two options. One, accept you broke up with your soulmate because of your own insecurities and hate yourself for the rest of your life. Or, two, go back to Theo, grovel, have amazing sex, and work on yourself. ”

“I have been working on myself!” In exasperation, I threw my arms around. The golden glow of the sun image clad journal on the coffee table mocked me.

“You have, superficially . You can go to the gym, sing the songs, force yourself to make decisions for yourself, but that doesn’t change the deep hurt. In here,” the cool metal of Daisy’s spoon poked me in the sternum.

Tears pooled in my eyes, and a ball formed in my throat. Suddenly, I wanted to look anywhere but at my confidant. I hadn’t fully admitted to myself the pain I struggled with daily—the memories of not being good enough, not being pretty enough, always being the problem, always being unwanted. My bottom lip trembled.

Daisy’s weight shifted as she enveloped me in a hug. “Oh, babe. I know, I’m so sorry.”

A sob escaped my throat as I let myself cry. Minutes passed before the wave of emotion retreated. Hiccupping, I wiped at my face.

“I’m—I—what,” wringing my fingers, I struggled to find the words. “I love him, Daisy, and this hurts so bad. I can’t help but think, what if he realizes I’m not worth it, worth him? It will hurt so much worse. I think I’d rather be alone.”

Pushing my hair from my face, Daisy wrapped her arm around me. “I know it feels that way now, and I can’t change the way you feel, but I would be doing a disservice as your ride or die if I didn’t tell you what an incredible human you are. Shane was awful, and there were many things wrong with him, but his biggest transgression was making you think less of yourself. People like you, someone genuinely good, threaten people like him. It scares them to see what they can never be, so they try to bring you to their level.

“Don’t let that happen. Don’t let him ruin your happiness forever. My professional opinion, as best friend and resident couch therapist, is that you will regret this for the rest of your life if you let Theo go like this.”

Wiping at the snot dripping from my nose, I nodded.