CARYS
D r. Gaither told me not to push it when I felt a headache coming on. I’m supposed to take two ibuprofen and relax. Sleep. This was his advice a few days ago. Sleep has been hard to come by since he confirmed I have lupus. My mind has had a hard time settling. But today, before I even open my eyes, my body tells me I’ve been in my bed for hours. I dream of Cooper every night, but now, his clean, masculine scent still lingers in my nose as if he’s here with me. Clinging to the remnants of my dream, I bask in the feel of the weight of his arms around me and the warmth of his body against mine.
I refuse to open my eyes, wanting so badly to go back to my dream, where this is real.
Where he’s here.
“Wake up, sleeping beauty.”
I snuggle in deeper, not wanting this to end. “No.” My voice is hoarse.
Warm lips press against my skin. “Baby . . .”
My eyes fly open when I realize the voice saying that word isn’t just a dream. “You’re here?” I tremble as Cooper holds me against his chest. “How are you here?”
“I told you I was coming home this week. I came right here.” He pushes my hair away from my face and peppers kisses along my forehead and down my cheek and jaw until he finally presses his beautiful lips on mine. “I missed you.”
We fit together like pieces of a puzzle.
All his hard angles press against my soft curves, and I luxuriate in the moment—until my headache from earlier pushes back against my moment. I sit up slowly and grab my water and pill bottle from the nightstand, then swallow two pills.
Cooper sits up behind me and holds my back against his chest. “Are you okay?”
Shit.
We haven’t talked much this week, and I haven’t told him what’s going on yet.
I know he’s gonna be pissed I didn’t tell him sooner.
This is not how I envisioned our reunion.
I pull my knees up to my chest and rest my head back against his arm and the headboard. “So... You know how I told you that Dr. Cruz referred me to another doctor?”
“Yeah. Did you make the appointment?” Shit. I guess I didn’t tell him that either. Our communication has sucked the past few weeks. It’s 100 percent my fault, but I didn’t want to talk about this. That would have made it real. And until I saw Dr. Gaither the other day, I refused to accept this as my reality.
“I did. Jessie went with me, and I saw Dr. Gaither earlier this week.” I think about all the things we discussed. All the possible complications. And I really don’t want to get into this with Cooper now. But he deserves to know.
“What did he say, Carys?”
“Coop.” I drag myself away and turn myself to face him, then grab his hands in mine. “They finally figured out what’s wrong with me. I have lupus.”
“What?” I feel his shock and fear reverberate through both of us. “Are you okay?”
“I’m going to be okay, but I have to take care of myself. There are a ton of possible complications. Most of them, I can’t even fathom yet. But for now, it’s fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and the damn headaches.”
He drops my hand and cups my face. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
I grip his wrists. “It was just the other day, and I knew you were coming home. I wanted to tell you when you were here. I told Mom over the phone, and it was awful. I didn’t want to do that again.”
“What do you need from me?”
His breathtaking blue eyes are already pleading with me to let him fix this, and the truth is, he can’t.
“I don’t know yet, Coop. I have another appointment with Dr. Gaither in April, but Mom wants me to fly home for spring break next week to see a specialist in Philly.” His face drops, and I realize I kept that from him too. “I’m sorry. I know you just got here, but I already told her I’d go.”
He tugs me against him. “You’ve got to go. We’ll do whatever we have to, baby.”
We will. Even if it breaks us.
A week later, I’m sitting in my favorite coffee shop back in Kroydon Hills with my best friend, Daphne. “Is Momma Murphy still treating you like you need to be put in a bubble?”
“She sure is. I think she’d be 100 percent onboard if I told her I wanted to drop out of school, move home, and live with her and Coach again. She’s upset I’m leaving tonight. She’s asked me at least three times if I want her to reschedule my flight.” I sip my coffee and drag my finger through the frosting on the cupcake in front of me.
Daphne shrugs her shoulders. “You’ve been considering it. Maybe this is a sign. Didn’t you say Cooper wants to come back too?”
Damn it, that shouldn’t hurt so bad.
“He does. It’s already in the works for the end of this year. I just don’t know, D. I freaking hate this feeling of doom that’s been hanging over me.”
“What do you hate? Having your man want to rearrange his whole life so you can be closer to your family?” She sips her coffee. “It must really suck being in love.”
“Shut up, brat.” I look out the window and watch the traffic drive by. The trees are just starting to come back to life after a cold winter. Signs of life are beginning to pop up everywhere. “I do want to come back here. I love what being in California gave me, but I don’t think I’m supposed to stay there permanently. I just don’t know if I’m supposed to do it with Cooper.”
“What?” She practically yells across the table. “What the fuck are you talking about? You have loved that man for years. Years , Carys. And you’ve finally got him. What would make you ever consider throwing that away? Did he do something?”
“No, he’s perfect. He’s everything, D. That’s why I don’t think this is going to work. He deserves someone who can give him everything. That’s not me. Not anymore.” It’s the first time I’ve said any of this out loud, and it feels worse than I thought it would.
Daphne grabs my hand across the table and laces our fingers together like we used to do when we were kids. “You said yourself both doctors said this is manageable, Carys. This isn’t a death sentence.”
“They both said it doesn’t have to be, not that it won’t be. They also both said that between lupus and my PCOS, having babies could be very complicated.” I force back the tears threatening to break free.
“Complicated doesn’t mean can’t. And even if you can’t carry your own babies, there are so many other ways to have kids, Carys. Don’t give Cooper up before you’ve given him a chance to prove himself to you.”
I rip my hand away from her and place it in my lap. “He shouldn’t have to prove anything, D. He loves his life. He loves his team in California. He shouldn’t have to give any of that up for me.”
“This isn’t about the teams. This is about you getting scared. You’re running away, Carys, and you’re using Cooper as an excuse.”
“I’m not. In a lot of ways, I’m in such a better place now than I was last year. I know who I am. I know what I want to do with my life, and Chloe and I are already taking steps to make it happen. I know I’m not going back to school after this semester, and that decision was made before I was diagnosed with lupus. Before Cooper ever mentioned Virginia. I made it myself because I know what I want. I like this person I’ve become, and I don’t want someone to feel like they have to take care of me for the rest of my life. That’s not fair to Cooper, and it’s not fair to me.”
I take a big bite of my chocolate cupcake and shut up. Verbal diarrhea isn’t a good look for me.
Daphne throws her napkin on the table, disgusted with me.
Yeah, me too, D.
“So that’s it? Decision made?” Daphne and I have known each other for over ten years, and I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen pity in her eyes.
“Decision made,” I say with a forced bravado I’m not feeling.
“I love you like a sister, so keep that in mind when I say you’re fucking this up. You’re throwing it away, and you don’t have to. But I’ll be here when you need me to pick up the pieces.”
I laugh through my tears. “Love you too.”