The Season of Falling

21. Chapter 21

Chapter twenty-one

Dean

Kasey and I had wanted to go kayaking since we’d moved to Burlington over a year ago, but we’d never gotten around to it. So having Kasey plan a date for the two of us was like my dreams come to life. I still only had a few memories that had returned of the past year, but despite that, I knew this thing with Kasey was right. I’d had feelings for her off and on the entire time we’d been friends. And even though I couldn’t recall the exact circumstances around us finally dating, my heart was filled with her laugh and her touches and her kisses.

A smug grin spread across my face as I thought of all the kissing we’d done in the past week. Why had we waited so long? If I’d known it would be so good, I would have kissed her the first day we met and continued every day since.

When I opened the front door to see Kasey standing there in black leggings and a red University of Wisconsin sweatshirt, it was like she stole all the air from my lungs. I stood there staring for a few long moments before she cocked her head to the side, eyes crinkling at the edges.

“Everything alright?” she asked, and I could hear the laughter in her voice.

“Oh, uh, yeah.” I shook my head, trying to force my brain to work. It’s not like I was a teenager who forgot how to talk around the girl he liked. Besides, I was already dating this girl.

She stepped toward me for a hug, and my brain attempted to short circuit again at her nearness. But I got a grip on myself and pulled her in tighter until her head rested against my chest.

I felt her sigh more than heard it, and I brought her even closer for a few more seconds before leaning back and pressing a quick kiss to her lips. “I’m so excited for today,” I said.

She smiled shyly up at me before reaching up to tuck her hair behind her ear. “So am I. We’ve been meaning to do this for ages.”

I hurried to slip my shoes on, and soon we were in the car and taking the slow and narrow streets toward North Beach Park. Despite the cooler temperature, we had the windows rolled down, and I glanced over to see Kasey’s hair whipping around her face. I started to roll up the windows, but she put a hand on my arm to stop me.

“No, don’t. I like to feel the wind in my hair.” She closed her eyes against the rush of air but a small smile played on her lips as though she and the wind were sharing a secret. Her hair was still wild, but in that moment, she looked impossibly beautiful. I felt the smile on my own lips as I turned my full focus back on the road.

Kasey directed me to where we would rent our kayak for the day and climbed out of the car after I pulled to a stop. “Wait here. I’ll be right back.” She hurried into the small brown building and was gone for barely a minute or two before she emerged, dragging a large kayak behind her. I jumped out and jogged over to help. Together we pulled the kayak over to the small entry point along the shoreline.

Once it was positioned for take-off, or whatever kayaking terminology was, Kasey grabbed two bright yellow life jackets and handed one to me. “Safety first,” she said with a cheeky grin before tossing her backpack in, tugging her life jacket on and pulling the straps tights. I followed suit, and soon we were both decked out and ready to go.

She gestured for me to climb in first, but I frowned. “If I go in the front then you’re going to get your feet wet pushing us off shore. Let me be in the back.” Kasey and I had kayaked enough together that either of us could easily man the front or the back position, but I didn’t want her to get wet and cold.

“But the back seat is the one steering, and you don’t know where we’re going.” I started to protest but she put her hands on her hips and stood her ground. “No, I’m not going to tell you where, and it’s only a little water. Don’t worry; I’ll be fine,” Kasey insisted.

I gave her a playful glare, but she held firm until I relented with a laugh and clambered into the front of the kayak. Once I was settled, she pushed us off, and I cringed as I heard her splashing through the chilly water. But once we got out onto the lake, everything was still and quiet except for the soft sounds of our paddles repeatedly dipping into the water. For the first few minutes, we didn’t speak as we paddled out from the beach. The trees with their autumn leaves were reflecting on the water along the shoreline, and I sighed contentedly.

“What was that sigh for?” Kasey asked from behind me.

“It’s just beautiful out here. And so peaceful, too,” I said, turning slightly to look at her over my shoulder.

She nodded and smiled before turning her attention back to steering and paddling. “I agree. I know I say it all the time, but autumn is my favorite!”

“Oh, I know,” I chuckled. “And I think you’ve made it my favorite as well.”

“Just doing my duty and spreading that cozy autumn glow.”

We paddled for a few more minutes before I leaned back and asked, “How far are we going?”

“It’s about four or five miles, so settle in.” Kasey said with a little laugh. I wasn’t sure if it was her words, her laugh, or something else entirely, but suddenly I was pulled into a memory.

It was spring break at the high school, and Kasey and I wanted to go on a road trip. She had to be at work in the morning, but we drove an hour and a half over into New Hampshire to get dinner. Did we need to cross state borders to get food?

“Of course not,” Kasey had said. “But where’s the adventure in staying here?” We found a little restaurant called Molly’s and then had the best meal. Especially the truffle fries. Kasey made fun of me for how many I ate, but I couldn’t help myself. They were the best fries I’d ever had. Afterward, we walked around the small town of Hanover and talked and laughed, and I had come extremely close to holding her hand.

My fingers twitched at the memory, and I rested the paddle across my lap and leaned forward with my elbows on my knees. Why hadn’t I held her hand then? The reason was right there, hovering on the edge of my memories, but I couldn’t quite grasp it. I strained to think, to remember what had stopped me from reaching out and taking her hand. But the harder I tried to force the memory, the more it seemed to slip away like sand through my fingers.

“You okay?” Kasey asked. I glanced over my shoulder at her and saw concern in her deep brown eyes.

“I just remembered our spontaneous dinner trip to New Hampshire during spring break last year.”

“That’s great,” she exclaimed. Then her brow furrowed as she continued to look at me. “You don’t look that excited about it though.”

I sighed and slumped even further. “The harder I try to make myself remember the details, the more those details start to fade.”

“Then don’t force it, Dean.” Kasey had set down her paddle as well and reached forward to place her hand on my arm. “I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, but I hope you know that I’ll be here for you no matter what stage of the process you’re in. You aren’t on any sort of deadline. Just let your memory return naturally in its own time.”

I twisted to look at her and squinted. “How did you get to be so smart about this memory loss stuff?”

She blushed and picked her paddle back up. “I’ve done a lot of googling in the past month or so,” she admitted. “I didn’t want you to feel alone going through all of this. I know Sarah wants to be here with you, but she can’t. And I wanted you to feel like you at least had someone to turn to.”

I felt warm all over, and I had the desire to pull Kasey into my arms and kiss her senseless. But of course that would be a terrible idea in a tandem kayak. So instead I turned as much as I could without throwing us off balance and waited until she met my eyes. And then I smiled my biggest grin. The one that made my dimples stand out and seemed to drive her crazy. When her answering smile began to spread across her face, I winked and then turned back around to help her continue paddling.

After a while, I realized that we were headed toward Starr Farm Beach. The smile that had practically been a permanent fixture on my face since Kasey showed up at my door grew even bigger. I loved all the beaches and water access points along Lake Champlain that I’d been to, but Starr Farm was one of my favorites. It was a little neighborhood that backed up right to the edge of the lake. While most people didn’t typically have easy access to the area without knowing someone that lived there, it could be pretty easily reached by water. I only knew about it because I’d looked at renting in the neighborhood when I first moved to Burlington. The prices were too high for a teacher salary, but I’d fallen in love with the area.

The beach was relatively small, but a nearby park boasted pavilions, a bike path, and playgrounds. It was essentially the perfect spot, and I loved it. Kasey and I had asked around and found the trail shooting off the bike path that led to the beach, and we’d come a few times to walk along the sand or wade in the water. But as far as I could remember, we hadn’t been there in a while.

“Hey,” I called over my shoulder. “Have we been to Starr Farm in the last year?”

“Nope, and I thought we were long overdue for a visit.” I could hear the happiness in her voice as we continued on, and it filled me and kept me company until the beach came into view.

As soon as we were close enough to the shore, I jumped out before Kasey could and dragged the kayak up the sand enough for her to step out on somewhat dry ground. She smiled at me in thanks as we took our life jackets off and tossed them onto our seats. She grabbed the backpack she’d stuffed down by her feet and slung it over her shoulders.

Kasey walked toward me and bent down to grab the kayak and drag it the rest of the way onto shore, but as she got close I gently wrapped my hand around her wrist and tugged her to me. Her lips parted in surprise, and I took the opportunity to bend down and cover her mouth with mine. She was soft and warm and somehow smelled and tasted like an autumn day.

She sighed, her eyes fluttering open when I pulled away, and I chuckled. “I couldn’t kiss you while we were in that kayak, but on solid ground? Free game.”

“I wasn’t complaining,” she said with a small grin. I could feel the smile still on her lips as I kissed her again. Her hands were on my chest but soon moved up and around my neck. The sand shifted beneath my feet, and I stepped ever closer, wrapping my arms around her to eliminate any space between us. Her mouth moved against mine in a way that drew me in and washed over me. And I knew right then, that I would never find someone else like Kasey. I could search my entire life and never find this friendship, this feeling, or this heat ever again.

When we broke apart to catch our breaths, Kasey looked up at me, and her smile was so sweet and so genuine. But her eyes held an emotion I couldn’t quite decipher. Affection certainly, but was there something more?

“Kasey, I—” I stopped when I glanced over her shoulder and saw our kayak bobbing away from the shore. “The kayak!” I exclaimed, pointing.

Kasey’s gaze followed my finger, and her eyes widened in alarm. “That’s our way back! We have to get it. Wait, Dean, no! The water is way too cold.”

I was already pulling my socks and shoes off to wade out and get it. “I’m certainly not letting you go after it.” I gasped as the water washed over my feet. The lake got much colder in the winter, but in mid October, it was still plenty chilly. I gritted my teeth and braced myself as I waded in almost to my waist. I reached out and grasped one of the ropes strapped to the kayak, barely keeping myself from stumbling and getting dunked.

The kayak glided through the water behind me as I trudged back to the beach. This time as I pulled it up onto the sand, I made sure that it was far away from the waves lapping at the shore.

Kasey ran over to me, concern evident on her face. “Dean! Are you alright? You must be so cold.” She threw her arms around me, careful to keep her body slightly away from me, and I found that I could barely feel my wet and cold clothing.

“I’m fine,” I said reassuringly, but she looked far from convinced. “I promise. You don’t need to worry. It’s not even that cold.” Mother Nature chose that exact moment to send a blast of cold air across the lake, and I shivered.

“Yeah, right.” She rolled her eyes and grabbed my hand, tugging me away from the water and up the beach. “I brought a blanket for a picnic but I think you need to wrap up in it. I can’t believe you did that,” she muttered under breath as she continued to pull me behind her. When we reached a little copse of trees, Kasey stopped and knelt in the sand, taking her backpack off and setting it in front of her. She pulled out a thin black and red checked blanket and handed it up to me. “Put that around yourself,” she instructed.

I grabbed it from her and unfolded it before wrapping it around my waist. She sat down and patted the sand next to her before pulling out little plastic bags filled with food.

“I didn’t realize you planned a whole picnic for us,” I said with a laugh as I lowered myself to the ground next to her.

“Well I wasn’t going to make us starve after four miles of paddling with four more to get back.” She handed me a few bags and then pulled a sandwich out of one of hers. She closed her eyes and groaned in delight after taking a bite. “You just can’t beat a good PB&J after being out on the water.”

I grunted in agreement but was too busy scarfing down my own sandwich to offer more than that. We finished our food in a comfortable quiet, staring out to the water and watching the colorful leaves dance in the breeze.

I’d always known that autumn was Kasey’s favorite time of year and to a certain extent I’d understood why. It was beautiful and cozy and was the start to the best holidays of the year. But until that moment, sitting beside her on the beach, eating our picnic lunch and taking in the majesty around us, I don’t think I really got it.

Autumn was a time where things appeared to wither and die. The trees lost their leaves and all the green leached from the landscape. But really, autumn was the time of year that showed us that endings can be just as beautiful as beginnings. That letting things go and taking a break was okay.

When I told Kasey what I was thinking, she kept her eyes on the trees across the lake but smiled softly. “What if you started to think about your memory loss like that? A time for you to step back and take a break. Yeah, it was a forced break, but that doesn’t mean you can’t take advantage of it. And if you look, I bet you’ll be able to find some beautiful things that have come out of it all.”

“Oh yeah? Like what?” I asked, genuinely curious to know what she’d say.

“You’ve had more time to connect with your friends and Sarah, you’ve been able to look at your teaching for the next semester from a new angle, and we’d probably never have—” Her phone started ringing, and she stopped abruptly, looking almost guilty as she reached into her backpack and fished it out.

I wasn’t sure what she’d been about to say, but she did make some good points. I’d been focusing on all of the bad or uncomfortable things about my memory loss and not once even stopped to consider anything good. Maybe Kasey was right. Maybe this whole thing was the autumn of my life. Something that could teach me about how to let go and just let things be beautiful.

When Kasey hung up, her face was pale and her hands were shaking slightly as she put her phone back into the bag.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“It’s Grandpa. He went in for his dialysis today, and the nurse told me that he’s not doing well and they’re keeping him at least overnight.” She was staring down at her hands and looked so lost.

I scooted a little closer and wrapped her in my arms. “I’m so sorry, Kasey.” She rested her head against my shoulder, and I just held her and stroked her arm as we sat together that way for a few minutes. “Do you want to call an Uber or something so we can get back into town faster?”

She shook her head and sniffed before sitting up and starting to gather all our trash. “The nurse said he’s sleeping and will probably stay that way for a few hours. We can paddle back and then I’ll go over after dropping you off.” Kasey got to her feet and held her hand out to help me up with a sad smile on her face.

“Do you want me to come with you?” I offered.

“No, that’s okay. I have no idea how long I’ll end up staying, and I don’t want you to be stuck there. I’ll be fine. Thank you, though.”

I squeezed her hand softly as we walked to the kayak and put our life jackets back on. I insisted on being in the back and pushing us off from the sand. “I’m already wet, Kasey. Plus I do know where we’re going this time.” She relented, and I helped her into the front of the kayak before getting us into the water, hopping in myself, and pointing us toward home.