The Sky We Seek (Love and Other Dreams #2)

Chapter 13

Elina

With my phone in my hand, I pace through the kitchen-living room of my cottage. "And when I touched his arm for the blood draw, he got goose bumps," I say, holding my breath, but there's silence on the other end of the line. "Come on, Maya, tell me. What do you think?"

My best friend clears her throat. "Um..."

It's no wonder she's speechless after my confession. "It could be a sign, you know?" I continue since she's still not saying anything. "He's just pretending that I don't affect him. Maybe there's something there."

"Are you sure?" Maya cautiously asks now. "I really don't want to spoil your happiness, but..."

"Men are off-limits, I know," I say dejectedly, sinking onto the small sofa. "But what if this is different?"

"If he's truly the love of your life, the one you've been waiting for?" Her skeptical undertone is unmistakable even though she tries to hide it.

"It could be possible. You know how well I've managed to stay away from men lately. The fact that both of us seem to be out of control, despite our efforts, might be a sign," I reply, filled with longing. But even as I speak, I realize that Maya's skepticism is more than justified. "Or maybe not?" I add softly .

"Of course," she quickly responds, probably without giving it much thought.

Lost in thought, I gaze out the window. The forest next to my cottage is enveloped in twilight. A solitary bird pecks at the mossy ground, searching for food. "Maybe it's like with you and Josh," I say, recalling their own struggles. "Love can't be controlled, right?"

"It does whatever it wants," Maya confirms dreamily.

Her response sets my thoughts free. They paint the most beautiful pictures in my mind. Images of Noah looking at me with warmth in his eyes. His hand caressing my cheek, leaving a tingling sensation as if an entire fireworks display were raining down on me. And between two passionate kisses, he whispers those famous three words.

"Listen, sweetie," Maya interrupts my daydreams. "I know how much you long for a relationship. And I want nothing more than for Noah to be the right one for you..." Just from the way she phrases her words, I can tell that she doesn't believe it can actually come true. "But not every love story has a happy ending; don't forget that."

How could I forget? Considering what I've experienced with men before. Yet my heart refuses to accept that. "This one could have one," I retort, stubbornly punching the cushion. "Noah is different from all the men I've met before." The others have undressed me with their eyes before I could even say hello . But he's reserved, almost shy. And even though he's rough around the edges and knows nothing about beautiful things, I happily imagine he has a gentle soul.

"I just don't want you to end up disappointed," she says. She skips mentioning again , but I'm sure she's thinking it. "You're my best friend, and I want you to be happy."

Everything she says is right. I shouldn't get involved with him. Period.

I switch the phone to my other ear and push myself up from the sofa, pacing back and forth in the cottage. "So if you really want me to be happy, come visit me. Best tomorrow, then we'll have the whole weekend to ourselves."

"This weekend?" She sounds surprised. "Weren't your parents supposed to come?"

She still remembers that? "Yes," I admit, instantly feeling like I've shrunk a few inches. No wonder my shoulders suddenly feel so heavy. It's dark outside now. Raindrops splash against the windowpane. How fitting.

"What happened?"

Maya's sympathetic tone wraps around me like a thick coat, taking away my breath. "Mom has the flu." It's a lie, but it's easier to say than admit that my parents love Aaron more than they love me.

"That's unfortunate." I hear the creaking floor in the background. Maya is probably walking around Josh's villa, where she moved in a few weeks ago. "Unfortunately, I can't come. Josh has a concert in Barcelona, and we're flying there tomorrow morning. Of course, I have to be there." She giggles.

"Absolutely," I confirm, knowing that despite her twenty-seven years, Maya has hardly seen anything of the world. I'd like to smile or make a joke, but all I feel is this deep sadness that has gripped me ever since we started talking about my parents .

"Are you okay?" It's as if she can sense what's going on inside me despite the hundreds of miles between us.

I shrug. "There's nothing to do here. No cafés, no concerts, no clubs. They don't even have a decent clothing store. Just this damn silence, the mountains, and trees as far as the eye can see. It's terribly boring."

"You're only seeing the negative sides." The reproachful response comes from the other end of the line. "There's plenty to do in Tyrol. Like hiking, for example."

"Hiking? Me?"

"Just give it a try. I'll find some beginner routes for you and send them to you." Maya brims with energy.

"You still remember what happened when we hiked up Wiener Wilhelminenberg." Now I have to grin again because the memory of it is quite funny. I had to wear an ankle brace for three weeks.

"Practice makes perfect." Bone-dry, my best friend uses the words against me that I myself used not too long ago to make her understand that she shouldn't give up on her dream.

What else can I say to that? "We'll see," I say vaguely, because I definitely don't want to promise her that I'll try it. Maybe I could ask Noah if he'll accompany me? No. Definitely not.

"It will work out. And don't forget, you won't stay there forever."

Very true. I definitely won't. Yet another reason to stay away from Noah. Unfortunately, my job applications haven't been going well so far. "I'm working on it."

"If anyone can make it happen, it's my Miss Super Smart." The pride in her voice is unmistakable .

Instantly, it feels like the yellowish light of the hanging lamp above me shines brighter. "Giving up is not an option," I confirm fiercely. At the same time, I realize that throughout the entire phone call, we've only been talking about me. It's high time to change that. "How's your studying going, by the way?"

In the next few minutes, I hear all about Maya's upcoming exam. She sounds more confident than ever before. In the past, I always had to encourage her, but now she can believe in herself and her abilities.

"I'm so happy for you," I finally say, blinking away a few tears from the corners of my eyes. After everything she's been through, her life has turned for the better. "You're making your way, I'm sure of it."

"So are you," she responds with a soft voice. "Absolutely, Elina. No matter what happened. In the end, everything will be alright."

It has to be. And I won't allow myself to think otherwise.

Maya clears her throat. "Promise me that you'll take care of yourself."

We both know what she's referring to. "Promise," I say, fully aware of how right she is.

Noah is off-limits. But how do I manage that when, despite his distant behavior, moments flash by when my heart simply does whatever it wants?

"From cloud nine, you can fall deep," my best friend adds as if I didn't know that even though I've experienced it painfully several times myself.

"But still, there's no greater feeling than being up there," I reply, and immediately, this longing stirs within me to feel how much my existence means to someone else .

"Think about the firefighter." Maya could have spared me that hint, yet it doesn't miss its effect.

It immediately brings me back to reality.

I press my lips together. "I haven't forgotten."

After all, it was my blind infatuation that caused me to lose the position at the Vienna clinic and, with it, all hope of ever uncovering the cause of Aaron's problems. And why I'm now at risk of withering away in this wilderness.

I don't even want to dwell on this topic. The memory is too crushing, and my frustration with my own stupidity is too depressing. Nevertheless, it's hard for me to end the phone call. Because once I do, only the occasional silence of the cottage interrupted by the pattering rain awaits me.

The loneliness. And a long evening with Netflix and instant noodles.

Perhaps I should be grateful that the internet is even working. I don't even want to imagine what it would be like without it.

"Can we continue talking another time? Princess Sophia demands to be escorted to her chamber," Maya says apologetically. In the background, Josh's six-year-old daughter giggles amusedly.

"I have to anyway..." Yes, what do I have to do? Say good night to the cuckoo? "Bye, Maya. We'll talk again soon."

My best friend says her goodbyes as well. I wait until she hangs up because I can't bring myself to press the red button on the phone display. As soon as the connection is severed, I feel cut off from the world.

** *

The following morning, I’m once again awakened by the cheeky chirping of the birds. They sound like they are in the best of spirits, full of energy and joy for life. Meanwhile, I drag myself to the window and clumsily open those peculiar wooden boards with carved hearts on them that pass as blinds in this remote corner of the world. The sun peeks through the treetops, and dewdrops glisten on the blades of grass.

Weekend. How lovely.

Apart from doing laundry, continuing my research on finding a therapy spot for Aaron, and grocery shopping, I have nothing on my agenda. Endless hours, as slow as chewing gum, lie ahead of me.

With an extra-strong coffee and a bowl of breakfast cereal, I settle on the sofa. Searching for new job postings has become part of my morning routine. Today, I only find one, and it's in Burgenland. It's not exactly a bustling place, but I could spend my free time in Vienna. At least when I'm not on call. So I adjust my application documents and send them off immediately.

After a refreshing shower, I make my way to the village store. With the shopping bag under my arm, I trudge along the gravel path to the road. Despite it being May and the sun shining, it's cold. I could already be wearing flip-flops in Vienna, but here I'm still in ballet flats. Hardly anyone crosses my path, and when I open the door to the small convenience store, I seem to be the only customer.

The bell above the door rings brightly. Just like last time, I can't help but marvel that places like this still exist. I step inside, amused, and spot Maria behind the sales counter. She owns the miniature supermarket where one must always check if the food has already passed its expiration date.

"Good morning." The old lady with the thick-rimmed glasses beams at me cheerfully.

Not for the first time, I marvel at how everyone in this village always seems to be in such a good mood. "Hello, Maria. How's your blood sugar?" I ask, winking at her. I can't help but bring it up. Her health is important to me.

With a radiant smile, she lifts her chin. "I only bake with whole grain flour now."

A mixture of astonishment and admiration fills me as I gaze at her. She has actually taken my preaching to heart. "That's wonderful," I say as a sudden warmth fills me.

I have been able to help her. Thanks to me, she will lead a life free of ailments.

Smiling contentedly, I pull my shopping list out of my jacket pocket. Unfortunately, nothing listed on it could even remotely pass as healthy. Besides the much-needed comfort food, I should probably buy some fruits and vegetables. But first, I need to get my favorite cereal. I can't possibly start the day without those oversugared wheat pops with the green frog on the box.

Light-hearted, I reach for one of the metal shopping baskets and enter the first of the two narrow aisles. I don't have much variety to choose from, neither in the candy section nor in the ready meals. At least there are marshmallows, albeit only one kind. I grab three packs and stuff more treats into the basket. It's hard to tear myself away from the sweet stuff, but my hips will thank me, so I march on .

As I turn into the next aisle, the chocolate almost slips out of the basket. In the nick of time, I catch it, place it back, and lift my head.

Seconds later, I collide with a red, white, and blue plaid wall. It's soft.

And it smells like pine cones.

A clattering sound reaches my ears.

My shopping basket! Bewildered, I take a step back. The wall is Noah. And my groceries lie scattered at his feet.

Great. "Um... sorry," I utter.

In the next moment, I realize I'm practically without makeup. I've only applied light daytime makeup, a bit of blush, and mascara. My hairstyle probably resembles that of a mad librarian rather than a successful doctor.

Great. Nevertheless, I attempt a casual smile. "Hi, Noah. How are you?"

He sinks to his knees to gather my purchases. One by one, he places all the unhealthy stuff back in the basket. As he touches the packs of marshmallows, it's as if they're dipped in poison.

Thank goodness I didn't buy any feminine hygiene products , I think as I bend down to help him. "That's kind of you."

For a moment, he lifts his eyes. He doesn't say anything, but he nods at me.

"How's your thumb?" Almost instinctively, my gaze shifts to his right hand. But it doesn't get there because it gets caught on the heart-shaped box of chocolates he's tucked under his arm. So he does have a girlfriend. Probably the one with the curly hair who brought him to the doctor's office .

Of course. Once again, I only saw what I wanted to see. And hoped for something that will never happen. Although I’d already sworn off Noah yesterday, shame now rises within me. It surges hotly up my throat to my cheeks.

I just want to get away. Hastily, I squeeze the last toffee pack into the shopping basket, grab the handle, and dart upright.

"Well, until next time." I whirl around and walk off, seeking refuge behind the shelves, away from him and this incredibly embarrassing situation.

As I turn into the next aisle at a brisk pace, I catch a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye. He watches me with a furrowed brow. Then he disappears from my field of view in the blink of an eye.

Disappointed in myself, I lean against the shelf of washing and cleaning products that smells of spring freshness and close my eyes. I try to breathe calmly, but the feeling of shame clings to me. And so does the fear I've carried with me all my life: no one will ever love me wholeheartedly. With great effort, I suppress the tears welling up, and my nose starts to swell. At least I remain alone in my aisle while Noah apparently pays for his stupid box of chocolates.

A little later, the sound of the bell tells me he's gone. So I dare to come out of my hiding place and walk to the cashier, where Maria absentmindedly gazes out the door.

"That boy..." she mutters to herself, a mix of incomprehension and fondness. "What a shame..."

Frustrated, I heave my shopping basket onto the counter. I can only agree with her.