The Sky We Seek (Love and Other Dreams #2)

Chapter 19

Elina

Lost in thought, I replenish tongue depressors and disposable needles. Two days have passed since I spoke my mind to Noah. Two days in which I've been eagerly awaiting every moment in the clinic to catch a glimpse of his rugged face. Two days of constantly reaching for my phone, staring at his contact details, only to put it aside again.

If he finds out that I stole his number from his patient records, he'll think of me as a stalker.

My gaze drifts to the clock. In five minutes, my weekend shift will be over. What if I just went to see him afterward?

"But then he'll consider you even more of a stalker," I admonish myself.

I open the drawer of bandaging materials and check the supplies. I can't count them since Noah consumes my thoughts too much.

"Alright, let's start with the facts," I speak aloud, finding solace in vocalizing the chaos in my mind. "Clearly, he has health issues. Pale skin, sunken cheeks, obvious signs of exhaustion, and difficulty concentrating. The potential causes for his abnormal bloodwork are vast."

The adhesive bandages and gauze seem to be in order, so I open the lower cabinet and neatly stack the disarrayed wound dressings. "And then there's his guardedness. He doesn't want anyone to get close to him, especially someone who cares about his physical or emotional well-being."

Once again, I delve into my memories and find several instances that support this theory. When I was with him, there were moments when I could even coax a smile out of him. But only as long as our conversations remained superficial.

He doesn't trust me.

Why?

Maybe he doesn't trust anyone? Or does it have something to do with me?

"And let's not forget his gaze." As a doctor, I shouldn't be interested in such things. It would be better if I dismissed the thought immediately. Yet I can see Noah before me.

He smiles at me. His eyes shimmering like amber.

Is there affection in his gaze? Or am I simply imagining it?

"Firefighter," I remind myself with a sharp voice to bring myself back to reality.

I close the cabinet, rising from my crouched position, and scan the room for further tasks. That's when I spot Helene in the doorway, startling me. Hopefully, she didn't overhear my monologue. "Was it busy this morning?" she asks, smiling.

Either she didn't hear anything, or she's pretending not to. "A child with tonsillitis. I prescribed antipyretics to reduce the fever and antibiotics for the bacterial infection. Otherwise, it was quiet."

Too quiet, but that seems to be the curse of this valley anyway .

"Alright, I'll take over now." She walks to the desk and turns on the computer. "Enjoy your weekend."

I would love to, but doing laundry, writing job applications, and watching Netflix aren't exactly what I envision as a weekend. However, there isn't much else to do here.

"Do you have any plans for the day?" my boss asks, adding to the already overwhelming situation.

I shrug. "No idea."

Her skeptical gaze meets mine. "Why not go for a hike? The weather is perfect."

Hiking? Me?

Maya already tried that unsuccessfully. Just yesterday, during our phone call, she once again urged me to give the mountains a chance. "I'm not so sure about that."

"Take the Lazarus Trail up to Wipfel Lake. You can stroll along the shore there." Her expression is filled with joy, her tone dreamy. "Don't worry, the route is suitable for beginners," she adds, probably because she senses my skepticism. Then she stands up from her chair, turns to the shelf, and pulls out a small booklet, which she hands to me. "It's hike number five."

I lower my gaze to the mountain guide. On the cover, an athlete is depicted standing on a summit at sunrise, arms outstretched to the sides. The whole world seems to be at his feet.

Maybe I should actually give it a try.

It's definitely better than wasting away in my cabin.

"Can I manage it with ballet flats?" I ask for reassurance. Because if there's one thing I've learned by now, it's that the clothes I brought from Vienna are unsuitable for Semmtal .

A smile flickers across Helene's face. I can't quite tell if it's wistful or amused. "I have something for you. Come with me."

***

Two hours later, I stand at the starting point of hiking trail number five, clad in Helene's surprisingly comfortable hiking clothes. The trail winds its way up the steep mountain, and it doesn't appear to be suitable for beginners. Nonetheless, I march forward with determination.

After just a few yards, I'm already out of breath and have to slow down. A couple with sun-kissed faces and gray hair passes by me. They chat so effortlessly, as if they were simply having a cup of coffee, and greet me kindly.

I nod at them, huffing and puffing. I haven't even reached halfway up the ascent, but I probably already look like I've run a marathon. I can feel my cheeks burning and sweat forming on my forehead.

"What a stupid idea," I mutter, straining to catch my breath, as suddenly household chores and Netflix seem like a much more attractive alternative. If I were in my cabin, I could also block out the panorama that surrounds me here.

I just don't understand what's so beautiful about mountains. They're just rugged, cold walls that obstruct the view of the horizon. And on top of that, there's nothing here but nature. The smell of moss. Bird chirping. Ferns casting dancing shadows on the trail. And deer droppings.

It's quiet here. Too quiet. The athletic couple has long disappeared around the next bend. This kind of solitude is even worse than the one in my cabin. At least there I have entertainment. My laptop, the TV, my phone. These devices are my only access to the world I actually belong to.

I come to a stop and take my mobile phone out of my backpack, hoping to at least listen to some music. But I have no bars.

"Great."

Frustrated, I put the phone back in my backpack and manage to grab a marshmallow from my emergency stash before turning around. Going downhill strains my thighs, but at least my breathing calms down, and soon, the last curve lies before me. I walk along the bend, feeling relieved.

That's when I spot Noah.

As always, he's wearing a plaid shirt with a white T-shirt peeking out underneath. With his cap pulled low over his face, he marches up the ascent as if taking a leisurely Sunday stroll.

"Hey, stranger." Despite my hiking mishap, I can't help but smile. I come to a stop and observe as he raises his gaze while walking.

"The city moss," he murmurs almost inaudibly, giving me a hesitant nod.

Did he just call me city moss? What on earth does that mean? It's probably one of those dialect words that only a true Tyrolean would understand.

As he approaches, his tired gaze glides down my body all the way to my shoes. Confused, he raises his eyes. "You're hiking?" he asks when he reaches me.

Oh God, no! "Sure," I say, spreading my arms wide and pretending to fully enjoy the mountains. I have no idea why I'm lying to him. Maybe it's to see the smile forming on his face or the warm expression with which he looks at me. He's clouding my senses.

No. Stop. He's not!

I'm lying to him to learn more about him. As his doctor, I need to know his living conditions in order to make a diagnosis.

Yes, that's how it is. And no different.

"I want to go to Wipfel Lake," I say as casually as possible. "Shall we walk together for a bit?"

Seconds pass with no response from him. All he does is scrutinize me as if I were a devil who just offered to buy his soul.

I'm not that terrible of company, am I? Or am I?

I observe the fidgety movements of his legs.

"Alright," he says and starts running the next second. I struggle to catch up with him. Despite my best efforts not to stumble, he smirks knowingly.

"Perfect hiking weather today," I blurt out, gritting my teeth. I certainly won't give up. The path ahead is already becoming flatter. I can make it there.

Finally reaching the flat ground, Noah slows down. He tries to suppress a yawn but fails. "Explain it to me," he says, his gaze once again scanning my hiking outfit. "Your clothing and your locomotive-like panting are a complete contradiction."

"You mean, just like your blood test results and your claim to be in perfect health?" I raise my eyebrows in challenge. My body may be exhausted, but my mind is functioning perfectly.

In an instant, his jaw clenches. "You're always on duty, aren't you?"

Because I have to be! If I were to allow myself to look at him with the eyes of a woman, everything inside me would turn soft.

I shrug. "It's my calling to help people," I reply, determined not to change the subject. "And when I can save lives through my work, it just makes me happy."

Keeping his gaze straight ahead, he continues walking along the forest path. "Saving lives?"

I nod eagerly. "The most beautiful moment is when you enter the waiting area after a strenuous operation and can inform the family members that everything went well," I gush. "Or when someone receives their diagnosis and begins to realize that after a long journey of suffering, they finally have a future perspective." My God, how much I miss that. The hustle and bustle of the hospital. The feeling of making a significant contribution with my work.

He looks directly at me. "That sounds like there's a fantastic doctor inside you."

Now, it's me who averts my gaze with a nod. I look ahead, where the path widens. The trees give way, revealing a sun-drenched clearing on the plateau.

Noah clears his throat. "Why do you work for Helene, anyway?"

His question hits me like a punch. "It just happened," I respond evasively and continue toward the clearing. At the end of the lush green meadow, I even think I can already see the lake. Some visitors bask in the sun on the wooden benches.

"Interesting," he says, burying his hands in the pockets of his gray hiking pants.

Silently, we continue walking until the lake, with its intense blue hue, lies before us. The sun makes the surface shimmer as if it were covered in diamonds. Truly beautiful. Who would have thought such a place was hidden among these ugly mountains?

I walk to the water's edge to savor the view for a moment. Suddenly, Noah stands so close beside me that our arms touch.

"You want me to let you examine me. You demand my trust," he says so softly that I can barely hear him. "And at the same time, you don't trust me at all."

So that's how he sees it. As much as I'd like to deny it, I lack the arguments. Feeling awkward, I lower my eyes and let my hiking shoe graze the tall blades of grass. If this is what he needs to trust me, then he deserves an answer. After all, it's about his health.

"My plan was always to complete my specialization as a neurologist after my internship year," I say meekly, feeling the pain of losing that future all over me. "But I lost the position at the hospital."

"What happened?" I hear Noah ask from a distance.

He's probably thinking of a medical error. Or a misdiagnosis. "I..." My voice falters. Because it's just too devastating to say out loud. Besides, I feel my nose swelling. Tears well up inside me. I quickly blink them away. "I was incredibly stupid," I murmur, gazing into the distance.

Suddenly, Noah nudges me. "Come on, let's go around the lake," he says and starts walking.

I follow him, and after just a few yards, he looks at me with such a compassionate expression that I need all my willpower not to run into his arms.

"Did someone die?" he asks almost in a whisper, as if he knows exactly what that means.

With lips pressed together, I shake my head. And suddenly, I can't help but let my eyes fill with tears. They carry all the anger and disappointment that have built up inside me. Since I made this colossal mistake, I've been holding them back. Releasing them now, here and now, feels like a dam breaking inside me.

"I wasn't there," I say even though it's only half the truth. "They beeped me, but I..." I couldn't resist the firefighter's insistence. I couldn't defend myself against the way Jonas looked at me.

Whether I want it or not, the past catches up with me like a storm surge. And suddenly, I'm no longer in the middle of nowhere by a deep blue forest lake but in the sterile on-call room of the Vienna clinic.

"Stay with me," Jonas pleads in my memory. "I love you, Elina."

Torn inside, I look at him. I know it's wrong. No matter how warmly his words wrap around my deepest longing, I have to go. "Wait here, I'll be back soon."

His gaze drifts to his noticeably bulging pants. "You can't just leave me like this."

My pager goes off again. My colleagues have already called me three times. Anxiously, I look back and forth between Jonas and the door. "You shouldn't have come."

"But I had to see you," he replies, taking my face in his hands and pulling me close. His rugged masculine scent clouds my senses. "I don't want to spend a second without you."

"And I don't want to be without you," I say helplessly before he passionately kisses me. Even though we've only known each other for a short time, and even though I know nothing about him, I can't resist the feeling of being desired by him. I'm addicted to his attention. To him, I'm not the invisible ghost that no one notices. He sees me.

"Then stay here," he murmurs, his hands demanding as they glide along my body, a low growl escaping his mouth.

"It might be a matter of someone's life," I struggle to say, pushing him away from me. I plead with my eyes. He needs to let me go because I absolutely don't want to disappoint him and risk our relationship.

As if he could read my thoughts, his expression suddenly becomes serious. "Am I not important enough to you?"

I reach for his hands. "Please, don't do this to me."

My pager goes off again. This has been going on for too long.

Way too long.

"I don't want to hurt you. But I have to go. Please understand that." I try to free myself from his grip once more.

He holds me back and wraps his arms around me. His hold is so tight that I can hardly breathe. "If I say you should stay here, then you stay here," he whispers in my ear. "Got it?"

Excuse me?

He forcefully presses his lips against mine. Suddenly, a clarity overcomes me, one that I was blind to before. I know men like him. As long as they get their way, they put women on a pedestal. But woe betide if it's any different.

He's one of those men.

Dammit. How could I have fallen for him?

"Release me immediately." My voice sounds resolute, but he doesn't even consider loosening his grip. On the contrary, he pulls me farther away from the door, presses me against the wall, and fiddles with my doctor's coat.

At that moment, the door to the on-call room swings open. In the doorway stands my boss. His thin hair quivers. He stares at us in disbelief, unable to say anything.

He was probably looking for me because I hadn't responded to the pager. With presence of mind, I push Jonas away and walk toward my boss.

As I reach him, all I see is coldness in his gaze. "Too late," he says, and I instantly realize what that means.

Back then, my whole world came crashing down. And now, it's crumbling once again because of that memory. Without thinking, I throw myself onto Noah's chest. His body stiffens as if he's afraid of my closeness. My tears soak his shirt, but I couldn't care less.

"Why did I let that happen?" I sniffle even though I know Noah can't possibly understand what I mean.

He gently pushes me away. "Sometimes we do things for which there are no words." There's pain in his tone.

Through the veil of tears, I look up at him and see the anguish on his face. "I would understand if you don't want me to treat you," I say, and I mean it.

"Mistakes happen," he replies hesitantly, and I can see in his eyes that he doesn't truly believe that.

I respond with a vehement shake of my head. "But not that kind of mistake."

As if I've said something wrong, he suddenly turns away. "We should keep going," he says, walking again.

Feeling dejected, I watch him go .

He is deeply disappointed in me. And rightly so. I should never have told him. It was not only unprofessional and foolish but also negligent. But one thing remains unchanged despite everything—he needs help.

"Listen," I call after him and start moving. If I ruin myself, so be it. But he mustn't suffer because of it. "I'll pass your case on to Helene. She'll figure out what's wrong with you."

He stops abruptly and turns to face me. His grim shake of the head speaks volumes.

What is his problem with doctors?

Granted, I'm certainly not a shining example of my profession, but not all of them are idiots like me. On the contrary, most dedicate their entire lives to serving their patients.

"But Helene can..." I start vehemently.

With a single gesture, he silences me. "Helene won't do anything. If someone is going to treat me, it's going to be you."

I would have expected many things, but certainly not this. "Are you sure?" Has he understood that someone died because I neglected my duty as a doctor?

"There's just one condition." A bitter expression crosses his face. "I won't come to the practice."

What a strange request. I gaze at him, unable to discern anything, yet at least the burden of the past on my shoulders feels slightly lighter. With a hesitant smile, I nod. "Would it be okay if I come by for a blood test the day after tomorrow? We can discuss the results next weekend."

Noah grunts in agreement and marches on once again. Still somewhat taken aback by his reaction, I walk silently beside him. As enchanting as the lake is, along whose shore we stroll, I can't fully appreciate its beauty at this moment.

I have what I wanted. He's letting me help him. The doctor in me should be satisfied with that, but the woman in me can't stop pondering what it means.

I dare not ask him why he's giving me another chance despite my mistake. Hardly anyone has done that since then.

Not the doctors at the clinic, who, after lengthy consultations and countless assurances on my part, decided to fire me. Not my parents, whose disappointed faces I carry inside me like ghostly visages. All my life, I was their good child. The little princess who never caused any trouble. The diligent girl on whom they could always rely, allowing them to focus on their son. The straight-A student who was supposed to save her brother.

And then something like this happens.

At least I was able to secure a great therapy spot for Aaron. It took me hours to find it and countless phone calls to make it happen. I transferred the down payment directly from my account yesterday, just as I promised.

Despite my efforts to do everything right, my parents canceled their planned visit for next week. It still hurts them too much to see that their dream of me ever being able to heal Aaron has burst.

No, I don't want to think about that. I should look forward. Work on myself. Get better. And then, someday, they will be proud of me.

I force a smile and turn to Noah. "Tell me something about yourself. "

"There's nothing to tell." He shrugs. "I was born and raised here."

I look at him incredulously. So he has managed to stay here at the end of the world for almost thirty years? "Didn't you ever want to leave Semmtal? Live somewhere else? See something different?"

Now, he's the one scrutinizing me. "Why?" he asks, spreading his arms and taking a deep breath. "Look around. Nowhere can be more beautiful than here."

He can't get away that easily. "How do you know that if you've never been anywhere else?"

He shakes his head with a smirk. "Believe it or not, I have been on vacation too."

I have to give him that point. "How did you come up with the idea of working with wood?" I ask next, as this part interests me the most.

His creative side makes me suspect that a sensitive person exists behind his closed facade. A smile actually appears on his face.

As he tells me about how he built his first birdhouse as a teenager and felt that it was his passion, and how he subsequently developed his skills, we continue to circle the lake.

Time passes faster than I'd like. I notice the sun getting closer to the horizon, but I don't waste a thought on it. I would love to keep hiking with him forever, listening to him enthusiastically talk about building his first tree house.

"Wood is a wonderful material," he finally says. "It's full of life, just like nature." He spreads his arms and gestures to our surroundings. "Wooden furniture creates an atmosphere in every room as if you were living outside. Right in the middle of nature. Among deer and badgers. With the scent of resin and pine needles in the air."

"That sounds amazing," I admit. And that's saying something, considering I couldn't relate to the overdose of nature in Tyrol. But the way he describes it, it has something devoted about it. I raise my gaze to take a closer look around. I take a deep breath to absorb what he's so excitedly talking about.

Indeed. The air is pure and clear. The birds with their yellow bellies, perched in the trees, singing their most beautiful songs, have friendly faces. And the forest around us suddenly feels like it's breathing with me. Not bad at all. But definitely not something I need every day.

Only a few steps later, I realize we have arrived back at the starting point of our circular hike. We take the path down to the valley. A few hundred yards down the mountain, the hiking trail ends, and a sense of melancholy creeps over me. There seems to be another path branching off up ahead at the curve. Maybe we can continue hiking after all?

"Where does this path lead?" I ask, heading straight for the junction. Despite our long hike, I feel energized.

"To the Semmtal Gorge," he replies, making no attempt to follow me but stubbornly staying on the path toward the valley. "The route is too long to do today."

"That's a shame," I say, turning back reluctantly. "I would have loved to see a gorge like that. Can we go another time?"

Instead of answering me, he just grumbles. I take it as a sign of agreement and catch up with him once again.