The Sky We Seek (Love and Other Dreams #2)

Chapter 20

Noah

I stroll along the wooden pier until I reach the end. The sight of the lake should calm me, yet I still feel tension.

This is unnecessary. I don't have to be nervous just because Elina will show up any moment now with the test results.

"Hello," Elina says from behind me. She sounds so close as if she could touch me if she reached out her arm.

I turn to face her. The sight of her makes my stomach flutter, and I have no clue whether it's because of the radiant smile on her beautiful face or the thick folder under her arm.

She holds up the white folder. "Are you ready?"

Her cheerful demeanor should calm me. It should. Yet I'm afraid that somewhere in those documents, something is hidden that I don't want to see. I need more time. At least a little bit.

"How about a boat ride?" I ask, pointing at the small wooden boat floating next to the pier.

Her lower lip disappears beneath her front teeth. "Sure," she says with a knowing smile. "We can discuss the results along the way."

That worked out well. Although I should be remorseful about my unsuccessful attempt, I can't help but smile. "You never give up, do you?" Her expression is full of emotion. "Never," she says in a tone that makes my knees so weak I can barely stand upright.

How does she do that? One glance. One word. One gesture. That's all it takes to throw me off balance. I observe her, probably for too long, but I can't help it.

"Is everything okay?" Her forehead wrinkles, but the corners of her mouth remain lifted.

Frantically, I snap out of my stupor. "Yeah." I step to the edge of the pier and slide into the boat. Then I extend my hand to her. "Careful, it's wobbly," I say, just to be safe. I don't want the city mouse to get scared.

First, she hands me the folder, which I place on the floor of the boat with the backside up. Then she sits on the edge of the pier, looking down doubtfully. "It looks dangerous."

"Don't worry, I'll take care of you." Did I really just say that? At least my tone was neutral.

Hopefully.

To avoid thinking about it any longer, I move the boat closer to the pier, grab Elina by the waist, and lift her toward me.

Suddenly, a mischievous smile appears on her lips, and her cheeks blush. "Thank you."

I should let go of her now, but it's hard for me to do so. Since our hike, I've felt the need to protect her. Especially from anything that could harm her and especially from anything that frightens her.

And when she looks at me the way she's doing right now, I even forget for a moment that I can't really do that.

"Alright... then we should... start." Heavens, now I'm stuttering too. It's time to create distance between us so my mind functions again. I take a big step to the front of the boat, sit on the wooden bench, and reach for the paddles.

Today, I feel a bit less tired, yet I navigate the boat very leisurely on the crystal-clear mountain lake, just to be safe.

"There's a waterfall over there," I explain in the manner of a tour guide. "Do you want to see it?"

"That would be nice." Her facial expression relaxes. She must have overcome her fear of the rocking boat and will now start enjoying the ride. "We can discuss your diagnosis until we get there."

I shrug. "If we have to."

She eagerly reaches for the folder and opens it. It's so full that it surely contains more than just my current test results. It's probably all the documents Helene has about me. Earlier, her expression was warm, but now she's back to being the doctor. She studies the documents, tapping her finger on specific areas, nodding, and finally looks up at me.

"First, the good news. Your platelet count is normal. So for now, we can rule out vitamin deficiencies, bacterial infections, and rheumatism. Also, pregnancy." She winks at me.

I exhale in feigned relief. "I'm so glad." With fluid movements, I paddle out onto the lake. By now, we're surrounded only by water, and I can barely make out the pier and the clearing behind it where my house is.

"Now, onto the... other news." She quickly averts her gaze back to the documents.

It's as if she doesn't want to look at me any longer. Probably because the values are bad. And indicative of a serious illness .

I paddle faster, trying to rid myself of the restlessness within me. But it doesn't help. On the contrary, it drains me.

"As with your first blood test, your white blood cell count is high." She flips back a page, busy comparing something. Her forehead creases.

"So I have cancer," I say exhausted, trying to beat her to it. I knew it.

"Not so fast." She raises her index finger in a lecturing manner. "In cases of tumor diseases, high white blood cell counts almost always accompany low platelet counts. And that's not the case with you."

So no cancer? That sounds too good to be true. "What does 'almost always' mean?"

"Every body is different," she replies. Then she looks up at me. "You're worried." Suddenly, her gaze becomes piercing. "Why?"

I can't withstand her. With my eyes focused on the rugged mountain formation rising on the opposite side of the lake, I continue to paddle.

"Very interesting," she comments as if I just provided her with important clues. In the next second, I hear the rustling of papers again. "Ah, I thought so."

Although I can't be sure, I feel like she just caught me. Again. "Yes. My father had cancer. So did my grandfather. Are you satisfied now?" I ask, keeping my gaze fixed on the group of alpine choughs grooming their black feathers on the small island in the middle of the lake.

Out of nowhere, her hand lands on my knee. "I don't want to lie to you. Genetic predisposition is indeed a poor condition." She gently strokes the fabric of my jeans. Even though we don't have direct skin contact, the area where she touches me tingles. "We can conduct further examinations, but based on your findings, cancer wouldn't be my first assumption."

Not think of cancer? Nonsense. "I saw him die," I say quickly. "I don't want to end up like that." Yes, there's desperation in my voice, but she needs to hear it.

For a moment that feels like eternity, she looks at me lovingly. "I can't promise you that."

Although her words hurt, at least she's telling the truth. She's not trying to make something that will always be ugly sound beautiful. She doesn't want to twist the facts; instead, she lays them out neatly in front of her to face them head-on.

"But there's something else I can promise you," she declares.

I'll take anything. Anything she has to offer.

"Nothing can stop me from finding out what's wrong with you." She nods at me encouragingly. "And nothing will prevent me from accompanying you on your journey, no matter where it leads."

I gaze at her beautiful face in disbelief, my arms ceasing their paddling. In fact, I can't focus on anything else anymore. Only on her. Not for the first time, I realize that this woman with her sun-blond hair and unwavering determination to help me is truly a special person.

I don't deserve someone like her. I'm not worthy of her fighting for me. And she definitely shouldn't look at me the way she is right now.

As if she sees something in me worth fighting for.

There's nothing. That's exactly what I should tell her, but not a single word leaves my mouth .

"We can do this," she says, adding insult to injury.

I nod even though it's not true.

Her cheeks take on a rosy hue, then she almost recoils and quickly turns her attention back to the test results. "Let's talk about the other values," she says.

Confused by her strange behavior, I set the paddles in motion again. We're not far from the waterfall; I can already hear its muffled roar.

"Your concentration problems could possibly be due to a thyroid condition. Although your blood work doesn't indicate anything, we could do a scintigraphy to rule it out." As she speaks, she rummages in her pocket for a pen. Then she meticulously notes her findings on a blank cover page, adding three question marks. "Of course, the most likely cause is stress. But with the tranquil life you lead here..." She points at our idyllic surroundings with the pen in her hand. "We can rule that out, right?"

"Definitely," I confirm. Sure, I have stressful days at work sometimes, but overall, I lead an uneventful life. Especially since Julian's death, it's been downright boring if you look at it closely.

A frustrated snort escapes Elina's mouth. She rests her head in her hands and closes her eyes. "I must be missing something," she mutters to herself. "Think, Elina. Think. Finally. Think!"

"Maybe everything is fine," I interject. "Accidents happen, you know." When I cut my hand, I was just momentarily lost in my thoughts. It's nothing to worry about. Along with the low probability of an actual tumor growing inside me, it's a quite acceptable explanation.

"And do you think it's perfectly fine to fall asleep while cooking?" There it is again, her penetrating doctor's gaze. "You have concentration problems, and your blood pressure was dangerously high recently." She quickly jots down the mentioned points. Then she impatiently taps the pen on the paper. "Do you have headaches?"

Constantly.

My cautious nod is enough for her to take note of that too. "What else? What other symptoms do you have? Nosebleeds? Shortness of breath?" I can see how much it tortures her not being able to make a diagnosis.

I have to tell her. She should know that I'm often so exhausted in the morning that it's hard for me to get out of bed. "Fatigue." I clear my throat because it wouldn't be fair to withhold the whole truth from her now. "A paralyzing, heavy fatigue. Most of the time, I'm drained. I feel like I can barely cope with my daily life."

She notes that down on the paper, which by now looks like a mad professor has had his way with it. "How's your sleep?"

"Perfect," I quickly answer as I had already thought. "I fall asleep easily, and uninterrupted sleep is not a problem. The alarm clock wakes me up directly from deep sleep in the morning."

She rubs her chin thoughtfully. "Fatigue despite sufficient sleep..." she murmurs, pursing her lips. Then she scratches her head before her flat hand lands energetically on the documents. "I don't understand," she finally admits in frustration. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

I would like to help her, but I wouldn't know how. By now, I've told her everything; there's nothing more. With an apologetic expression, I row toward the waterfall while she frantically flips through the documents again.

Her cheeks are flushed, and her expression has an unnaturally harsh quality. "I have to figure this out. I have to!"

Earlier, it was nice that she fought so fiercely for me, but now her fervor is becoming frightening. "It's okay, Elina," I say soothingly.

"No, that's not true," she exclaims, looking up at me in a burst of anger. The paper between her fingers tears. "I'm a good doctor, no, a very good doctor," she adds as if she has to defend herself.

I stare at her in disbelief. "No one doubts that." I feel the urge to reassure her, and suddenly it becomes clear why.

Her fatal mistake in her previous job is wearing her down. She thinks she can undo it by dedicating herself even more to her patients. But no one can change the past. Not even her.

"No." She presses her lips together and exhales forcefully. "Everyone doubts it."

I can't help it anymore. I release the paddles, kneel, and move toward her. When I reach her, I feel the urge to hold her hands. Only at the last moment can I restrain myself. "Don't listen to others," I plead with her, and in that instant, I realize how absurd this statement sounds coming from my mouth.

She lowers her gaze. "I can't," she whispers.

I would like to wipe away the tear crawling down her cheek, but instead, I say, "When it comes to your own happiness, no one is wiser than you." I don't know where these words come from, but I know they are true.

Slowly, she opens her eyes, and as soon as she looks at me, I feel like I could drown in the blue of her eyes. Her mouth twitches. "Happiness? What is that?"

I don't know either. "Hanna would say happiness is like a mountain lake. The deceptive shimmer on the surface is only there when the sun is shining on the outside. But to find the true treasure, you have to dive to the depths."

Suddenly, she reaches for my hand. Earlier, my willpower was enough to hold back, but now I can't resist her touch. Her fingers caress mine. Warm and gentle, her thumb glides over the back of my hand. "What do you think she means by that?"

"Whenever we base our glitter on the opinions of others, we let them determine our happiness even though we already carry true happiness within us," I reply softly, never taking my eyes off her. "We allow them to decide our happiness even though we already possess it."

Nostalgia spreads within me because I should internalize this wisdom first before proclaiming it. I'm nothing but a hypocrite. But if my words can bring her comfort, then I'm willing to accept it.

Indeed, I see a smile on her lips. "I will think about it."

"That's all I ask."

"Thank you." Moved, she pulls me into her arms. Her scent and warmth envelop me.

I should flee. I should break free from her embrace right now. Yet we sway tightly intertwined in the boat on the water. For seconds or minutes, I don't know. All I know is that this woman does something to me that I can't describe.

It's comforting and frightening at the same time.

"Wait a moment," Elina suddenly says, her fingers tapping anxiously on my back. "There are several sleep disorders that patients are not aware of. Yet they exist and lead to pronounced daytime fatigue."

I sleep excellently. But the joy in her voice and the newfound courage that wells up in her make it impossible for me to tell her that.

She pushes away from me, beaming at me with rosy cheeks. "Let me examine your sleep," she implores.

No one could refuse her this request, so I nod. "But only if the analysis ends for today."

She raises her hand with a playfully serious expression. "Promise."

Inevitably, I can't help but grin. "Then let's go to the waterfall," I say and start paddling again.