The Sky We Seek (Love and Other Dreams #2)

Chapter 30

Noah

Exhausted, I lean over the wooden tabletop and blow away the fine wood dust left by my sanding work. The particles scatter in the room, scratching my lungs. Quickly, I turn toward the open window.

At that moment, I spot Hanna wandering among the trees with a wicker basket in her hands. Her hair is tied up in a messy bun. Her jeans are earthy and covered in dried pine needles. She bends down repeatedly, placing something in her basket.

I can afford a short break, so I leave the workshop and walk toward my sister. "Tell me, are there already chanterelle mushrooms?"

She brushes her bangs away from her face with the back of her hand. "Of course," she says, presenting me with her basket filled with golden-yellow mushrooms. "Will you help me clean them?"

I should be staining the table today. And surely, I shouldn't be handling knives in my current state. But I can hardly refuse Hanna's request, so I nod toward the house. "On the veranda?"

A smile spreads across her face. "Absolutely."

A little while later, surrounded by birds chirping, we sit on the self-made wooden furniture of my veranda. Each of us has a bowl for the waste between our legs and a small knife in hand .

Hanna plucks a chanterelle mushroom from the basket and brushes off the dried pine needles from the stem. "You look exhausted."

"The past few nights have been restless." I too pick up one of the mushrooms.

"Because of Elina?" Her lips twitch suspiciously.

So she's heard about it too. But she surely has no idea that Elina keeps me awake in a different way than she's thinking. Should I tell her about it?

Thoughtfully, I brush the coarse remnants of the forest floor from the chanterelle with my thumb. The typical smell of the mushroom immediately reaches my nose, flooding my mind with memories of carefree times.

Memories of Julian, but they have no place here.

"I'm happy for both of you," Hanna says. "Elina has a good heart. Just like you."

I don't. Instead of responding, I shrug. In my peripheral vision, I see her placing the fourth cleaned chanterelle in the designated bowl, while I still hold the first one. An unusually guarded expression forms on her face.

"She will leave me." It suddenly bursts out of me.

"Because of what happened?" My sister's tone is so neutral it’s as if she's talking about the weather.

I grab the knife and, shaking my head, cut off the stem of my mushroom at the bottom. "She must never find out."

Suddenly, she stops her work. Her arms rest on her thighs, and she looks directly at me. "They say love is blind. But I'd rather believe that love opens our eyes to a new world."

A new world? One where Elina wouldn't see me differently if she knew the truth? Definitely not. "His death is my fault. That's the reality in every available world," I reply, already saying more than I should. I bite my lip.

I sigh, and Hanna continues her work. "Sometimes we only see what we want to see," she says, her tone laden with meaning.

Now, she's exaggerating. "That's not true," I retort.

She raises her hand, silencing me. "And when we're confronted with the truth, we panic."

Dammit. Why did I even bring up this topic?

Our conversation has long veered away from Elina. This is going nowhere, and Hanna knows it. Working with internal tension, I continue at a rapid pace, taking one chanterelle after another and cleaning them.

To make matters worse, she leans over the table toward me. "Allow the memories to come. Not for my sake. Do it for Elina."

What the hell would that accomplish? I don't want to see the tragedy hiding somewhere within me. Never. "That's not the point," I say, just to stop her. "Elina is leaving Tyrol."

For a moment, she looks at me intently. Then she reaches into the willow basket between us, pulls out a chanterelle, and blows the pine needles off its cap. "Why? I thought she had settled in well here."

I thought the same. "She never intended to stay," I say, letting my gaze sweep across the clearing. The water of the lake sparkles in the foreground, and the mountains rise on the horizon in their rugged beauty, reaching up to the sky.

"How do you know that?" Hanna delicately works on the mushroom with cautious movements .

"I found an invitation to a job interview in Vienna from her," I reply, turning my attention back to the mushroom in my hand. "She will leave, Hanna. One way or another." Uttering those words alone is difficult for me.

My sister lets out an audible sigh. It seems she doesn't have an answer for that either.

I turn to her. "What if I went with her?" I look at her hopefully. "I could at least give it a try."

Deep wrinkles immediately furrow her brow. "In this world, there is no greater power than love. That's what I will always believe," she responds, sounding a little like she's trying to convince herself first and foremost.

"But?" I know there's something more.

"Your lungs wouldn't last a week." Her expression fills with warm compassion.

"There must be medication. It can alleviate the effects of the exhaust fumes and help me breathe somewhat," I counter, hardly recognizing myself. I love Semmtal. Despite everything that has happened here, every inch of this paradise is my home. I know I wouldn't be happier anywhere else in the world.

But the thought of being without Elina diminishes the significance of it all.

"So it's that intense between the two of you." A wistful smile crosses her face.

What am I supposed to say to that?

Should I tell her Elina is like a brilliantly shining light in my darkness? That through her, I finally feel alive again? And that a single glance into her eyes is enough to make me feel like I can fly?

"Medication is not a solution. You should talk openly with her," she says, spreading her arms. "You could lead a wonderful life here without compromising your health."

"No," I quickly retort, as that is the last thing I would do. "Since childhood, Elina has dreamed of becoming a neurologist. I won't take that dream away from her." What kind of man would I be if I put my needs above hers? "There must be another solution," I add emphatically. "But what is it?"

She shrugs. "A smaller town?" she suggests awkwardly.

I nod. "We could live on the outskirts of the city or in a surrounding community."

From Hanna's expression, I can tell she doesn't think much of my idea. "You've already tried that," she reminds me earnestly.

Of course, I have. When Julian moved to Innsbruck for his studies, I wanted to go with him. But I couldn't stand living in the housing estate for more than a month.

Too many walls. And the stench. It felt like I was locked up in a prison.

"Can one great happiness outweigh many small ones?" The words escape her mouth softly.

I don't know. All I know is that what exists between Elina and me is too important not to fight for.

Internally distraught, I rest my head in my hands. "What should I do?"

Hanna's chair rattles on the veranda floor. A second later, she squats in front of me, looking up at me. "Talk to her."

"I can't," I reply. "Every word I say would put pressure on her. She shouldn't have to make a decision." I will find another way. It exists, I'm sure of it. I think hard until an idea begins to form in my mind. "I need to show her the life she could have here." And then I hope that she actively chooses this life on her own.

Hanna nods hesitantly. "Let me know if I can help," she says with a warm-hearted expression.

Lost in thought, I nod. Although the chance of success is slim, it's my only option. And I already know where I will start.