The Sky We Seek (Love and Other Dreams #2)

Chapter 36

Noah

All my attempts to dissuade Elina from our planned visit to Munich have failed. So we drove here this morning and have been strolling through the city all day. We visited the Viktualienmarkt and indulged in extravagant coffee creations. Elina's cheeks glowed with joy as we explored the city center and listened to street musicians. I managed well for the first few hours, but then we climbed a church tower that took my breath away in more ways than one.

"You're not usually out of breath so quickly," Elina comments, laughing, as we finally step back onto the cobblestones of Munich's city center.

I shrug. "Shall we find a spot in a park to rest?"

Suddenly, the intensity of her laughter fades. "That's not possible, unfortunately. I need to stop by a colleague's place."

A colleague? She hasn't mentioned that before.

"It's not far, don't worry." She nods encouragingly and links her arm with mine, pulling me along.

On the way to her colleague's place, she becomes strangely silent. And even when we finally enter a light gray plastered building with white decorations above the tall windows, she doesn't say a word. Fortunately, we only have to climb the stairs to the first floor, but Elina's hand suddenly feels sweaty .

"It's over there." She sounds a bit disoriented but heads straight for the tall, white double doors with golden fittings and opens them.

I spot a sign on the wall. This is not an apartment. It's a doctor's practice. Her colleague is probably on duty, which is good for me. The visit won't take long; after all, he has patients to treat.

With a relieved smile, I step through the door. Only two young women are sitting in the waiting room. It smells like a wild mix of perfume and leather.

No one greets us.

Of course not. That's how it is in the city. Luckily, the elegant chairs with high backs and wide armrests are spaced far enough apart that I don't feel too crowded. I choose the solitary seat behind a potted plant while Elina talks to the receptionist.

It doesn't take long for Elina to collapse into the chair next to me. "He's running a bit late," she explains with an apologetic expression.

Before I can respond, her phone chimes. She rummages in her bag and unlocks the screen.

In my peripheral vision, I notice that she must have received an email.

Suddenly, her expression turns serious. "Oh man," she says, lowering her gaze as if she has trouble looking at me.

A queasy feeling spreads in my stomach. Tenderly, I put my arm around her and stroke her back. I probably should ask what's wrong, but I can already guess what it's about.

Julian.

And my nightmares, which I still can't believe are real .

"So..." Elina begins hesitantly, but then immediately interrupts herself to clear her throat.

I could stop her. Tell a funny story or ask about her friend Maya and her famous pianist, whom she mentioned yesterday. Her eyes lit up as she talked about their fantastic love story.

"It's just that I... well... I have..." Awkwardly, she tugs at the hem of her T-shirt. Then she takes a deep breath. "Noah, you're the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me in my life."

A part of my queasy feeling dissipates. I pull her closer to me and rest my cheek on her head. The patient in the chair on the opposite wall looks up from her newspaper, but I don't care. She can see that we love each other. "I can only say the same."

"I want to be with you forever." She trembles slightly, and I can feel it. "You do too, right?"

What a question. "Absolutely," I confirm, kissing the top of her head.

"Do you remember what I told you about my brother?" she asks next. "That no one has ever been able to help him with his symptoms?"

I nod as my throat tightens. Because I already have a sense of where this conversation is heading. "Doctors are only human," I quickly say. "They can't heal everyone. As terrible as the thought may be."

Suddenly, she untangles herself from my embrace and studies me with an intense gaze. "What if I still had a chance? What if I could still achieve something for my brother?"

The job. She got the offer. I feel nauseous.

"What if I could maybe still make a difference for my brother?" she asks me earnestly .

Does she really think she can accomplish more than all the doctors in the world? I admire her fighting spirit, but isn't it unrealistic to believe that she alone could find the key to his addiction?

Besides, she just moved in with me. She wanted to stay in Tyrol. Everything was good.

I don't know what to say. Not a single word leaves my mouth. The waiting room, with its withered plants and discontented patients, blurs before my eyes.

"I'm in the final round of selection for a neurology position. All I have to do next week is attend an interview with the hospital board. Apparently, it's just a formality because I already have the vote of my future boss." She reaches for my hands. "In two months, I could start my specialization training in Vienna."

Everything around me starts to spin. Don't leave me, I want to shout. You're my light , I want to tell her. But I can't, it wouldn't be fair.

"Come with me." She smiles at me, her lips trembling. "I'll pursue my training, and you could work in emergency services. There are even open positions right now. We could live on the outskirts of the city, surrounded by greenery."

So she has also thought about how we could merge our lives so that we don't have to give up on each other. But there's something she doesn't realize. Something she can't know because I've never told her. And there are no notes about it in Helene's medical records because the condition was diagnosed during my childhood at Innsbruck University Hospital and doesn't cause me significant problems. At least not as long as I breathe clean air .

I bite my lip, knowing that it's time to lay my cards on the table. To face the consequences, whatever they may be. "I suffer from bronchial hyperreactivity."

All her facial muscles give in at once, her radiant light extinguishes. "You can't live in the city. Not even nearby," she says soberly. "That's why you've been having coughing fits since we arrived here."

Now, I'm the one who can't look into her eyes any longer. I lower my gaze and bury my face in my hands. "I'm so sorry, Elina."

Me too , she's about to say. Or well, that's probably it for us .

But she remains silent. "No. We can't let that happen," she whispers eventually, her voice choked.

I pull her close, holding her as tightly as I can. I don't care about the disapproving glances of the waiting patients. "Since you can remember, you've dreamed of becoming a successful doctor." The words I'm not worth giving up that dream for me get stuck in my throat. Yet I should say them. She needs to know that her happiness is far more important than mine.

"Not just that," she replies with a soft voice. "Just as much, I've always longed for a love as pure and grand as ours."

A single tear threatens to escape from the corner of my eye. "What should we do?" I ask, my voice choked. "Have a long-distance relationship?"

She shakes her head. "With the schedules of a resident doctor, it's nearly impossible. We would hardly see each other."

A dreadful thought. "So we only have two months?"

Silence fills the space between us. Neither the buoyant background melody from the speakers nor the muffled voice of the receptionist reaches us. I don't know what to think. I have no idea what could happen next.

"What if I stay in Tyrol?" Elina asks.

No. Even if I can continue to keep the past hidden from her, she will regret this decision one day. And then it will be too late to pursue her dream. "You can't miss this opportunity."

A gentle smile forms on her face. "When it comes to your happiness, no one is wiser than you. You explained that to me during our boat ride, remember?"

That's true. "But..."

She places her finger on my lips. "I'll find a solution," she says with conviction.

How does she do it? How can she believe in a future together where we can both have everything we want?

My God, she needs to know the truth. She needs to know what kind of person she's getting involved with.

"If there's one thing I've learned from you, it's that you can achieve anything," I reply nonetheless because it's true. And because I don't want to stop hoping that she can do it this time too.

She nods with a proud expression. Then she snuggles against my shoulder. "We could..."

"Elina Gross," suddenly echoes from the speaker.

Elina jumps up. "It's our turn."

Why us? Instinctively, I shake my head. "Go ahead, I'll wait for you here."

Instead of leaving, she extends her hand to me. "Come with me. I want you to meet him."

Even though I have no idea what this is supposed to achieve, I take her hand and accompany her into the examination room .

"Noah, this is Klaus," Elina says, closing the door behind me. Normally, she would warmly greet her friend now. Instead, she stands right by the door, giving him only a brief wave.

As if she wanted to block the exit.

Something is not right here.

"Hello, Noah." The doctor smiles at me warmly, then motions toward a sofa. "Please, have a seat. Elina, will you join us?"

Wait. What kind of doctor is he anyway? And why should I sit on his sofa? I quickly look around. There's no treatment table or medical equipment here. Just this couch. In front of it is a long glass table with a table fountain. And a chair.

I whirl around to face Elina. "What is going on here?"

She takes a step toward me and gently places her hands on my upper arms. "Klaus will help you get rid of your nightmares about the accident," she says in a tone as if she's trying to calm a distressed animal. "So that your fatigue disappears. And you can enjoy your life again."

Get rid of my nightmares? The ones I only know from Elina's stories?

He wants to talk to me about Julian.

That will never happen.

I ball my fists. "By rummaging around in my head?" My voice almost breaks.

Elina lowers her gaze, looking remorseful. Then she nods.

"No." I abruptly break free from her grip. How dare she lure me into such a trap? I can't believe that she, of all people, would do this to me .

"Give him a chance. Please." Now she lifts her eyes and looks at me with that exact fighting spirit I admired in her just minutes ago.

But now I can't stand it.

Not at all.

"You should stay away from things you don't understand." I stare at her in disbelief. "You have no idea what demons you're conjuring here."

"You're mistaken." She straightens her shoulders, while this Klaus attentively listens to our conversation. "I know everything," she says, keeping her gaze fixed on me.

Everything? What does that mean?

"You went hiking with Julian. A storm surprised you. He fell, and since then, everyone believes you're responsible for his death. Even you. You've withdrawn from all social contacts and only focus on punishing yourself."

She can't know that. I didn't tell her these details. "What the hell..." My head becomes even heavier, adding to the intense throbbing pain in my forehead. Yet suddenly, my thoughts become clear.

I know exactly what's going on here.

"You spied on me," I say tonelessly.

Unbelievable. She's no better than the villagers who abused my trust and reveled in my misfortune.

And I was such an idiot to actually believe that she loved me.

"Noah..."

She can spare me this pretense. Since we met, it has never been about me. Miss Super Doctor only wanted to solve the puzzle of my fatigue. So she could have a sense of accomplishment and feel important .

"I shouldn't have trusted you." Just like I shouldn't have trusted the villagers who tore apart everything I told them. "How foolish I was to be blinded by you." Suddenly, my tone becomes so icy that I shudder.

I look at Elina with disappointment.

She stares back as if she's still fighting for something that has long been lost. Doesn't she realize? Doesn't she see what she's doing to me with this ambush? "Talk to Klaus. Please, Noah. Then you'll realize that..."

Disheartened, I avert my gaze from the woman who just tore a hole in my heart that can never be mended. "When I come back from the afternoon shift tomorrow, your things better be gone from my house. Clear?"

There's nothing but pain inside me. Barely have I spoken the words when an overwhelming fatigue takes hold of me. I have just enough strength left to flee from this cursed examination room.