The Sky We Seek (Love and Other Dreams #2)

Chapter 38

Noah

I spent three days and two nights in the mountains. Just me, my hiking boots, a sleeping bag, and a backpack with the essentials.

This trip was supposed to ground me and give me some distance from Elina's attempts to explain herself. With each step on the rocky terrain, my thoughts were supposed to become clearer. But now, almost seventy-two hours since I set off, I still feel the same as I did in the Munich doctor's office.

Betrayed. Deceived. Disappointed.

With a heavy sigh, I trudge toward the clearing where my house stands. The white plaster of the exterior wall glimmers between the branches of the firs.

"Please, don't be there," I murmur, clenching my fists. I don't want to see Elina. And I don't want to see her stuff either. She should be gone, forever.

That's better. No matter how much I missed her light in the past few days. How much I missed her fighting spirit and how much I longed for her laughter. No matter how much I would have liked to lie with her in the sleeping bag, looking up at the vastness of our sky.

It's over. I'm alone again. And that's for the best, because I don't deserve anything else. It wouldn't have worked between Elina and me anyway .

In front of me, the campfire area appears, where we sat together. That evening when I told her about Julian for the first time.

I swallow hard and trudge on toward the house. When I reach the porch steps, I hesitate.

What if she's waiting for me inside?

What if she even brought that damn doctor here?

She never gives up. That's who she is. My Elina.

Exhausted, I take off the backpack from my shoulders and let it drop to the ground. My breathing is heavy. My pulse quickens.

And whether I like it or not, a part of me actually wishes she were here.

"Stop," I quickly admonish myself because such thoughts really have no place here.

"Hi, Noah."

That's my sister's voice. I look up at the porch and see Hanna sitting on one of the wooden chairs. She forces a smile onto her face. "Where have you been?"

Instead of answering her, I shrug. That's not important.

"Elina told me everything," she says so softly that I can barely hear her. And suddenly, she looks just like she did back then. With exactly that expression, she looked at me after Julian's death. A mixture of compassion, helplessness, and pain. "I've been worried about you."

"I'm fine." My voice is hoarse, and I don't want to know what impression the rest of me gives. "I just really need to take a shower."

With the little energy I have left, I step onto the porch stairs.

Hanna jumps up to block my path. She blows her bangs out of her face with determination and looks deep into my eyes. "You've come a long way," she says with a weighty tone. Her gaze becomes more intense, more urgent. "How many miles was it?"

I have no idea what she wants from me. Clenching my teeth, I turn my gaze into the darkness of the forest beside us.

Carefully, she reaches for my upper arm. "Yet you return as the same man you were when you set off."

Yes. Because that's who I am. Nothing and no one can change that.

Hanna takes a step toward me and wraps her arms around me. Her tousled hair tickles my neck, the smell of freshly baked bread fills my nostrils. "You know, to breathe, you have to take in air. To feel happiness within, you have to be willing to see it." Now she pushes away from me and touches my chin, forcing me to look at her. "And to experience love, you have to forgive."

I can't do that. "She betrayed me, Hanna."

A wistful smile spreads across her lips. "I know."

This was the last thing I would have expected. But her approval does something to me. It brings forth words from within me that I never wanted to tell anyone.

"Behind my back, she researched about me. And about Julian." My voice breaks, and I clear my throat. "Without telling me, she applied for jobs in Vienna and elsewhere."

"I know," my sister says again as if she, too, can't find any other words for this hurtful behavior.

"What other secrets did she have? Who is Elina, really?" No one can say for sure if the woman for whom my foolish heart still beats with all its might even exists.

Probably not. Most likely, all along I was just the patient whose mysterious illness she wanted to uncover. To restore her self-worth as a doctor after the devastating termination at the Vienna clinic.

Suddenly, Hanna tilts her head to the side with a smile. "And who are you?"

What's the point of that question?

"Didn't you have secrets too?" she asks, raising her eyebrows.

Guilty, I lower my gaze. Of course, I did. "That's different." As I speak the words, I realize it's nonsense.

Hanna knows that too. I can see it in her expression. "The best mirror you can look into is the eyes of the person you love." She nods encouragingly. I understand what she's trying to say, but it's not that simple.

Immediately, Elina's face appears in my thoughts. I see her honey-blond hair cascading around her rosy cheeks. The loving smile on her delicate lips. And the devoted glow in her sea-blue eyes. Nothing about this image is false. It feels so pure. So open and honest.

My shoulders feel heavy, just like my legs. "I don't know..." I begin, but before I can finish the sentence, my voice fails me.

Seconds later, I find myself in Hanna's arms again. But instead of tensing up completely as I did earlier, I now allow myself to lean into her proximity.

"We all make mistakes," she says with devotion. "Don't forget that, Noah."

Even though she doesn't say it directly, I understand what she's trying to convey .

That I should forgive Elina. Or at least listen to what she has to say.

Maybe she's right. Nevertheless, I don't think I can do that. Elina's betrayal weighs heavily on me, and my disappointment runs deep. Besides, there is no future for us either way.

In search of stability, I pull Hanna closer to me. She is my rock. It has always been that way even though I should be the strong big brother for her. "Thank you, sister," I murmur into her hair.

"Always happy to be there for you." Hanna pats me encouragingly on the back, then pushes away from me. "You can do this. But first, you should take a shower," she says, wrinkling her nose.

"It will be done." I quickly plant a kiss on her cheek. "See you."

With a smile, Hanna sets off. She has fulfilled her mission. Although her urgent desire to be there for me has driven me to despair more than once, she has always been right in the end.

Will it be the same this time?

Pondering, I fish the key out of the inner pocket of my multifunctional jacket and unlock the door. I already knew Elina wouldn't be here. Surely she wouldn't have hidden during my conversation with Hanna. I cross the living room and walk straight into the bathroom. My gaze falls on the wooden shelf beneath the mirror.

Elina's side is empty.

In the shower, ten bottles of shower gel and five containers of shampoo are missing. Only my washing supplies remain. They look damn lonely, standing there in the oversized wall holder next to the shower faucet. With pressed lips, I pull open the top drawer of the half-height cabinet next to the towel radiator.

It's empty. Only a few individual blond hairs stick to the bottom.

Elina has fulfilled my one and only wish for her.

She's gone.

Overwhelmed by my perpetual heavy fatigue, I peel off my hiking clothes and step into the shower. Leaning against the wall, I let the warm water cascade over my head and wish with all my heart that it would simply wash everything away.

My despair. The jumbled thoughts. And the tears, whose salty taste brushes against my lips.