The Sky We Seek (Love and Other Dreams #2)

Chapter 39

Elina

Lost in thought, I poke at my frozen yogurt with a miniature plastic spoon. The surface of the trench I'm creating quickly liquefies.

"Should we do it?" Maya asks, her voice muffled as if through cotton.

I look up, and the sun blinds me. There's bustling activity all around us. Families rush past us, a group of teenagers lounges on one of the wooden benches under the chestnut trees. Excited screams and the smell of cotton candy fill the air. "Hm?"

My best friend places her hands on her barely existent hips. "The roller coaster. That's why we're here, right?"

Right. Visiting the Vienna Prater was my idea. My conversation with the board of directors at Herzogen Hospital this morning was successful. I got the job. That's great, but I can't even be happy about it.

The hustle and bustle of the Prater was supposed to distract me. I hoped that by inhaling pure adrenaline here, it would finally drown out the oppressive silence within me. But what has worked perfectly all my life is suddenly no longer working.

Not at all.

"Elina?" Maya grabs my arm and forces me to stop. "Should we go back home? "

Home? Where is that? Right now, I'm just staying temporarily at Maya's boyfriend Josh's villa. I haven't even unpacked my suitcases. "No. We can't break a tradition. Let's ride the Megablitz," I say remorsefully although I already suspect it won't cheer me up either.

Maya shakes her head so vigorously that her overly long glittery earrings dangle alternately to her nose tip. "That's a stupid tradition."

With pressed lips, I lower my gaze. "But we have nothing else." The Megablitz is the roller coaster I ride every time another relationship dissolves into thin air.

Every time I realize that no man can love me.

I take as many rides as it takes to forget. Sometimes it's three, sometimes seven. But eventually, when my pain becomes tired, the downhill ride comes, the one that ultimately lets me shake it off. It will be the same today. Because it has to be.

Maya doesn't seem convinced. "Alright," she replies anyway with a forced smile.

As we stand in line for the roller coaster, we silently finish our ice cream cups. In my thoughts, I'm with Noah. I see his angry face and hear the disappointment in his voice. Once again, I reach for his hand in my imagination, but I grasp nothing but empty air.

"I'm here for you, you know," Maya whispers suddenly. "No matter what you need, you can always rely on me."

Involuntarily, I swallow hard as I take a step forward to catch up with the people in front of us. When I returned to Vienna three days ago, my parents shrugged it off. My university friends greeted me with enthusiasm but quickly disappeared after I showed no interest in partying. Maya is the only person who is there for me. "Thank you," I manage to squeeze out. "But I can handle it on my own." I make a face. "It's not the first time," I add in a sarcastic tone.

I can see in Maya's expression that she wants to reply. But she hesitates, and that's good.

Because no words can have a positive effect right now.

The line continues to move forward, and a few minutes later, we finally take our seats in one of the roller coaster cars. I fasten my seat belt and take a deep breath.

This has to work. Because if it continues like the past two days, I don't know what I'll do.

Only vaguely do I register the starting signal, then the car starts moving. Rattling, we are pulled up the deep red-painted metal tracks. The airy height widens my view, but my heart remains constricted.

We reach a plateau.

It's about to begin.

I close my eyes and clench my fists. "Let go," I whisper to myself as a reminder.

I feel the ground beneath our car disappear into thin air. We're already plunging into the depths, the centrifugal forces pressing me into the seat belt. Children scream, teenagers cheer, and Maya shouts at the top of her lungs.

And me? I spread my arms wide. The wind rushes against my T-shirt, whips through my hair, and dries the tears streaming down my cheeks.

The ride is over much too quickly. We indulge in another one. And then another one. Over and over again, we board the roller coaster car, but each time the result is the same .

My pain stays with me. And that's despite not shedding any more tears after the tenth ride. Only my stomach rebels. That's all.

"It's not working, is it?" Maya asks me, now quite pale, as we exit the Megablitz for the twentieth time.

Pressing my hand against my stomach, I shake my head. Because that's not all. I have always felt comfortable here in the Prater. In the midst of the hustle and bustle, where life pulses, I, too, felt alive. But today, the noise suffocates me. The crowds of people stress me out.

My friend wraps her arm around my shoulders and pulls me along. "Then let's try something else."

Since I don't have a better idea, I let her lead me to the adjacent park. Even though it's quieter here, I still can't breathe freely. The exhaust fumes are omnipresent, and I can even hear the hum of cars.

"Tell me exactly what happened again," Maya gently prompts me as we walk along the gravel path.

I've already done that. And it was pointless. "He doesn't love me," I reply curtly. Because that's the truth, the only truth.

My best friend doesn't look at me. Surely, she doesn't want to pressure me, and I'm grateful for that. "And you? Do you love him?"

That's irrelevant.

"After your first encounter with him, you were sure that he was different," she reminds me softly.

Actually, she should mention that she warned me about him more than once. I should have listened to her. Why was I so foolish to get involved with him?

"And it's not what has just happened that tells me that he really is different. You have changed." Maya's gaze wanders over my barely made-up face and casual outfit.

It's possible that I'm not the same anymore. But that changes nothing. On the contrary, it only makes everything worse.

Maya hooks her arm through mine. Together, we turn onto a narrow path lined with rose bushes. A few birds peck at breadcrumbs among the pebbles next to a bench. "So what makes him so special?"

What does she hope to achieve with this question? That I long for him even more than I already do? I look at her desperately. "Stop it. Please. It doesn't make any sense."

She shrugs. "What else would make sense, then?"

I hate it when she's so right. The Megablitz was my last hope. I simply don't have another plan to forget Noah. With a deep sigh, I turn my gaze to the well-groomed park landscape ahead of us. Everything here is shaped, there's nothing wild or original. "Noah never let me flirt with him," I suddenly say. "He was like his beautiful homeland. Untamed and rugged."

Maya walks silently beside me. Behind the bushes, I spot a fountain. The lively sound of water splashing reaches my ears, but this piece of nature shaped by human hands can't compare to what the Tyrolean mountains have to offer.

"At no point did he look at me with that greedy desire, like many men before him did. He didn't want to get me into bed, had no interest in my success, and certainly not in my fancy appearance." On the contrary, everything I showed the world seemed to repel him.

"Mm-hmm." With a gesture, Maya encourages me to continue speaking .

"It was as if he always wanted to see only my inner self. Me. The real me." A sharp pain pierces my chest, taking my breath away.

We approach the fountain and sit down on its wide edge. With my gaze, I follow the lush green leaves floating on the turbulent water surface. They are swept to the edge, where the water calms down.

"Only when the water lies still before you can you recognize yourself in it," I murmur. Hanna's profound words now compel me to lean forward and look at my reflection in the water. But there's nothing. I can only make out vague outlines.

How could Noah pretend to see me when I can't even see myself?

Gently, Maya strokes my back. "That's a wonderful thought."

"Noah can't do that." That's what I suddenly understand. "He can't see himself either." Just like me. We're both blind. Each in our own way.

"You helped me see myself," Maya whispers suddenly, so softly that I can barely hear it.

Nevertheless, her words effortlessly penetrate to the depths of my being. I lift my eyes and look directly at her. "Did I?"

Instead of answering me, she just nods. And that's all that's needed because the day when Maya shed her past is something we will never forget. In my thoughts, I go back. As far as my memory can carry me.

For years, we kept her childhood a secret. I went along with it because that's what Maya wanted. Out of fear that she would turn away from me. So that she would like me. But in the end, it only supported her continuous escape from herself .

"I just wanted to help Noah. A visit to the trauma expert would have made him realize that he is not to blame for Julian's death." Shaking my head, I observe the water gently hitting the edge of the fountain. Why did it go so wrong? "He should be happy again and enjoy life."

Hardly have I spoken the last sentence when I feel how true it is. Surprising even myself, I widen my eyes. Because at that moment, I realize what truly sets Noah apart from all the other men who have disappointed me in recent years.

He is the first one who doesn't just want me.

Not a single one of my affairs was ever real. They only momentarily satisfied my longing to be loved and seen. What I felt for the men was never relevant. They gave me what I desperately needed, and I took it, bathing in a false sense of happiness when I couldn't have the real thing.

Although it's hard to believe, it's true. One by one, the men disappointed me, and I surrendered to my unreal pain. Without a fight.

It doesn't matter if Noah loves me or not because I feel one thing very clearly: that I love him. So much that I would do anything to make him happy.

"This man has broken my curse," I stammer.

"What curse?" Maya asks. She nudges my upper arm as she speaks.

I look up at her. "Happiness is like a mountain lake. The deceptive sparkle on the surface is only there when the sun shines on the outside. But to find the true treasure, you have to dive to the bottom," I repeat what Noah taught me. With each word that leaves my mouth, I understand more. It's as if I see myself on a mirror-smooth water surface and finally recognize what makes me who I am deep inside.

"Since I can remember, I've been trying to be the perfect daughter. I'm obedient and hardworking. I'm quiet. I help wherever I can." I gaze intently at my best friend. "And I do all of that just to be loved."

That's not who I am. The career-oriented city girl in high heels with perfect grades—that's not me! The specialization in medicine won't make me happy. And the idea that it could save my brother and finally make my parents proud is nothing but an illusion.

Tyrol made me happy. Helene's country doctor's practice with its warm-hearted patients. The peaceful life in harmony with nature, sprinkled with a little bit of action here and there.

And Noah, who didn't show a moment's interest in my superficial glitter but looked straight into the depths of my being.

My God, that's it!

Suddenly, my gaze seems clearer than ever before. All my life, I've been chasing a false dream. I thought that if I just tried hard enough, I could heal Aaron and finally receive affection from my parents.

"What value does love have if it's conditional?" That's it. The question that has been buried deep within me and now surfaces. I know the answer. "None," I say firmly.

Maya looks at me, astonished. Clearly, she's lost for words, but she doesn't need to respond.

Filled with an unprecedented surge of energy, I quickly rise from the edge of the fountain. "I have to go," I announce, for I have no time to waste.