& Then They Wed (Ampersand Love #2)

32. Crescendo

32

Crescendo

Aditi

A diti had rarely felt this level of shame before.

Standing in front of Nanamma, after she’d just witnessed her throwing Leela out of their apartment, made her feel like she was an ant who was being burnt beneath a magnifying glass in the desert sun.

This evening couldn’t have turned out worse.

“I’m sorry, Nanamma,” she offered, the silence starting to grate on her nerves. “I know I was being rude but I couldn’t hear anything more from her.”

Nanamma shot an indecipherable look. “Kanna, is there anything you wish to share with me?”

“About?”

“You and Rian.”

Aditi startled, glancing up guiltily. She swallowed hard, hating the tense environment in which she was revealing this truth, that too, without Rian by her side .

“I’m sorry you had to find out like this. We were going to tell you tonight. It is all very recent, barely a few days now. We’re still learning to wrap our head around it ourselves. I don’t know how Mrs. Shetty found out.”

“Leela has a big circle of gossip mongers. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone she knows noticed how Rian is with you and connected the dots.” Unsure, Aditi's forehead creased when she saw Nanamma’s lips curve up. “My eyes are old, but my eyesight is perfectly normal. Anyone at that Diwali party would have come to the same conclusion. Your absence was noticed.”

Aditi reddened. “You knew?”

“I had my doubts,” Chitra admitted. “Kaya and Arjun’s insistence that I stay with them for the weekend, and Rian not complaining when I called to let him know, definitely confirmed it. I walked in just in time to hear Leela’s accusations. You didn’t deny it.”

Aditi clasped her hands together, looking away.

“I assume things progressed quite quickly since that party?” Chitra asked delicately.

“I'm sorry,” Aditi apologised once more. She felt like she’d lost count of how many times she’d said ‘sorry’ today, and she feared she’d be repeating herself often given what Nanamma was asking her. “I didn’t mean to disrespect you in your home.”

Old, feathered hands brushed over her bent head, requesting her to look up. When Aditi’s gaze met Chitra’s, she was relieved to note no disappointment in her expression.

“I’m not angry with you, Adi,” Nanamma explained. “It would be hypocritical if I blame you when Rian is a part of it too. I’m also too glad to be annoyed when seeing you two together is what I have prayed for for months.”

Aditi knew she’d failed to hide her surprise when Nanamma guffawed at her gobsmacked expression.

“I know that the way things used to be in my time is not how the world is now. I have seen too much of life to judge you for your choice to be with Rian without matrimonial commitment first. I hope I am not embarrassing you by speaking my mind.”

Aditi shook her head, the tightness in her chest curiously very much present. Nanamma’s acceptance should have relieved her. Her logical mind acknowledged how very lucky she’d gotten in this scenario, but was unable to hone in on the reason for why she felt like she was hanging off the ledge of a multi-storey building. Perhaps the adrenaline from her argument with Leela hadn’t worn off.

“I was afraid you’d dislike me,” she softly confessed.

“Oh, kanna, I could never dislike you.” Chitra patted Aditi’s cheek in a motherly gesture. “I have seen your heart, and I have received your love. You are as precious to me as my grandson, and I am glad he has found you.”

Aditi’s lips curved tremulously. Leela's words still swirled within her like a poisonous fog, slithering in and out, nudging and poking at different areas, searching for the weakest parts of her psyche. Though she had been staunch in her support of Rian and his choice to be with her, old insecurities had been raked to life. The part of her that still struggled with the need for validation felt like it had been exposed once more, and she hated it.

“Are you happy?” Chitra asked.

She opened her mouth to answer. To her great surprise, she burst into big blubbering sobs instead. Immediately, she felt Nanamma’s arms go around her, manoeuvring her towards the couch. When Aditi still didn’t quieten, the old grandmother drew her into a warm hug, patting her back like she was a young child.

The overnight change in Rian’s decision regarding marriage, her acceptance, the complete and utter surrender of her body and mind to him since then, now bookended with an explosive confrontation with his hateful mother, had forced her stress up a summit. Her breakdown was inevitable. She just hadn’t expected that it would be over such a simple question.

“My child, are you not happy to be with Rian? ”

“I am,” she wailed, unable to stop, tears trailing down her cheeks. She sniffled, blowing noisily into the sheet of tissue that was handed to her.

“Then what is it?” Nanamma asked, using the edge of her saree’s pallu to dry one cheek, her efforts wasted when the deluge of tears did not abate.

“I . . . Nanamma. . .I. . .” She hiccuped, allowing the concerned older lady to hold both her hands.

“I love him,” she croaked, her nose burning anew as a fresh wave of anxiety swelled within her. Giving up, she slumped into Nanamma’s lap, burying her face in the soft folds of her cotton saree and succumbed to the dismay that had come with the acceptance of this fact.

She loved Rian Shetty.

She had thought she was so smart, that she could separate the part of her that lusted after him from the part that desired more than a short-term fling. She’d believed that her mind negating impractical dreams of a relationship with him would stop her heart from doing so as well.

She’d told herself over and over again that she could not fall in love with him because Rian did not want marriage. He had made it clear that he didn’t want to fall in love or give any space to it.

Even now, despite proposing to her, he had not promised anything other than a partnership. One that Aditi was certain would be filled with camaraderie, support, mind-blowing sex, and a very real chance of a happy life together.

She had refused to ask for more because this was already more than she had expected.

She had refused to want more because she was afraid to lose even this.

With Leela's unannounced visit however, Aditi’s old misgivings had come to the fore .

Once more, she was with someone whose mother disapproved of her. Once again, she was deeply in love with a man without any clarity on whether or not he’d love her too.

And that would have been okay.

She’d reconciled herself with the idea of marrying someone on the basis of friendship and basic compatibility. After all, many marriages boasted far less.

With Rian though, she didn’t know when her practical side stopped being quite so practical.

Every dream, every wish, and each day held a hope of him and his love, and she’d been powerless to stop that love from growing in her.

She had lied to herself. She’d pretended that fulfilling her desire to make a memory that held Rian’s essence before she married elsewhere was possible.

Her life would have continued, she was sure. But today, she understood something critical.

Rian would have owned not just her memories— he would have owned her entirely.

She was the best version of herself with him. She would have missed him every day for the rest of her life because she would have missed the version of Aditi she most loved also. The version that Rian, with his unshakeable belief and unwavering support, brought out.

Imagining a life with someone other than him felt wrong now. No, it felt impossible.

He was supposed to have been a once-in-a-lifetime experience that she could look back on with fondness, but he’d somehow morphed into something else altogether.

A once-in-a-lifetime kind of love.

“Kanna, get up, please,” Chitra pleaded. “Talk to me. Why is loving Rian so upsetting for you?”

“I’m scared. ”

“Does he know?”

“No.” She turned to face Nanamma, anguish colouring her tone. “He told me he doesn’t want to love anyone. He wants to marry me, but that’s not the same as love.”

Chitra sighed tiredly.

“Some people are simply better at asking for what they need. Rian is not one of them, but never doubt that that boy wants to love and be loved in return more than anything else.”

“Of course you’d say that. He is your grandson, after all.”

“You have met his mother now,” she said, deciding that revealing the many ways in which Leela had scarred Rian might make Aditi understand him better. “You cannot imagine what Rian had to deal with growing up.”

“I don’t have to imagine,” Aditi sniffed, still wiping her red nose. “He told me everything.”

“Everything?” Chitra gasped, shocked by this revelation. More and more, it became clear to her that Aditi and Rian had formed a bond that was deeper than anyone realised.

“If he has told you this, he trusts you. Has he ever flinched from your touch?”

Aditi shook her head.

“Because of Leela,” she continued, “he stopped wanting physical contact for a long time. Even now, on occasion, it takes him a moment to relax and respond when I initiate a hug. I can count on one hand the number of people he is comfortable with to not find their touch offensive. Believe me, none of them got there in just a few months like you have.”

Aditi would have never guessed that. Apart from the first couple weeks when he avoided her like she was disease ridden, he had never behaved like her touch was troublesome. Sure, he’d been a little hesitant and stiff, careful even. But she’d chalked it up to the newness of their friendship .

Through their late-night street food dates to their tense arguments to now, the intensity and frequency of their touch had only increased.

“Please, give him time,” Chitra earnestly requested. “He is capable of deep love. As he has shown you trust, please trust him, too.”