Theoretically Perfect (Theoretically Straight #2)

4. Theo

Wednesday, January 3

Theo

wish me luck tonight. Sienna is back from Christmas vacation *eye roll*

Caleb

You could always skip, you know…

Theo

haha. I wish.

Caleb

I won’t tell ;)

“You coming?” Nathaniel asks from the passenger seat.

I sigh, my fingers hovering over my keyboard as I try to think of a response to Caleb. “Yeah. You go on ahead.”

“Not if you’re gonna bail,” Nate replies, settling back into the seat. “I want to bail, too.”

I shake my head. “You know Dad would kill both of us.”

Nate snorts. “Nah, just you.”

Rolling my eyes, I stow my phone into my pocket and reluctantly step out into the chilly January air, joining Nate as we make our way toward the Foundation building.

Wednesdays are my second least favorite day of the week—second only to Sundays, of course. I used to feel guilty about it, but now, not so much. Unlike Sundays, Wednesday nights’ service only lasts about ninety minutes, and most of that time is spent in our small groups. Small groups are just an arbitrary way of dividing the youth group into classes based on grade level and gender, so my small group consists of about ten guys who are also in eleventh grade and two adult leaders who lead the discussions and take prayer requests. It’s not too bad, if I’m honest. I can mostly space out or just enjoy time with Harrison. And best of all, it’s very easy to avoid Sienna.

I spot Sienna as soon as I walk in—her hair is impossible to miss and even harder to ignore given how similar its shade is to Caleb’s—so I linger on the opposite end of the room from her and wait for Harrison. I pull my phone out of my pocket to finish my text to Caleb, but before I can unlock it, there’s a tap on my shoulder.

“Hey, Theo.”

I turn around to find a familiar face—Jake Buchanon, one of the guys from my small group. We’ve known each other since elementary school, but only from church, as he attends a private Christian school. His shaggy brown hair hangs down in his gray eyes, but there’s an expression on his face I can’t decipher.

“Oh, hey, Jake,” I reply with a casual smile. “What’s going on, man?”

Jake eyes me up and down, then glances behind me. “Can I talk to you for a second? Like…alone?”

Alarm bells ring in my head immediately, but I’m too stunned to think of a reason to say no. I quickly scan the room for Harrison, but there’s no sign of him. “Um…sure?”

Jake nods once, turning towards the hallway that leads to the bathrooms. He angles himself in the corner, and I join him, standing a few safe feet away. From here, Jake has visibility from all directions, which makes my heart rate spike impossibly higher. What could he possibly want to tell me in private? Does he know about Caleb? Did Sienna tell him? Who all has he told now? Am I about to be hate crimed?

After what feels like his fourth time making sure the coast is clear, his focus zeroes in on me. “So, uh, I started watching Hudson’s Haunted Habitats over the Christmas break.”

My stomach drops. There it is—all my worst fears confirmed. He knows. “Oh, yeah?” I finally say, determined to be casual. “It’s great, right?”

“Yeah. I heard they did an episode on that old creepy bologna church over on Holly Street, so I had to check it out.” He studies me as he speaks, and I genuinely wish he would just spit it out. What does he want?

“I know, right?” I reply with a chuckle, rubbing my hand against the back of my head. “It’s crazy.”

His eyes narrow. “So…do your parents know you have a boyfriend?”

Panic claws its way to the surface, and I have to resist the urge to clamp a hand over his mouth. “Do—um—what?” I sputter.

Jake looks around again, then leans closer. “Sorry, I should have said that quieter,” he says in a hushed voice this time. “My bad. But, um…do they?”

My mouth hangs open. “I…I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Jake hesitates, then reaches out to touch my shoulder. “Look, Theo–”

“I don’t want to have this conversation,” I blurt, flinching away from his hand. “I have to go find?—”

“I’m gay, too.”

I freeze. “W–What?”

Jake inhales sharply before taking a step forward. “I’m…yeah. I’m also—” his eyes scan the area again before he continues. “—into guys. Like. Very much so.”

Instead of answering, I simply stare at him. Jake Buchanon? Gay? Is he serious? Or is this a trap? I’ve never picked up any vibes from him before, but…is that really a thing? Do people pick up vibes from me? Are gay vibes different than bisexual vibes? What even are “vibes,” anyway? Is there actual science behind that, or is it just more of a?—

“How did you tell people?” Jake continues, seemingly unaware of my inner turmoil. “I’ve known I was…like this for most of my life, but I’m so scared of what people will say or what my parents will do. But then I watched that interview with you and Hudson, and just… The way you just said it on camera like that? It was crazy, man. Like you had no fear at all.”

I finally blink out of my stupor, only to shake my head at him. “Oh, believe me, I had fear. Lots of it. Too much of it, even.”

Jake shrugs. “Didn’t seem that way to me.”

My gaze lowers to a fixed point on the ground past Jake’s feet as I let his words sink in. Is that how Jake sees me? As someone brave? Am I brave? I mean, I did one brave thing one time, but does that make me a brave person?

“So, who all knows about it?”

That grabs my attention. I take a sharp breath. “Not many people. It’s a long story, but I don’t want to talk about it here–”

Jake snorts. “I mean, that interview has millions of views, so a lot of people know, but I just meant of the people we know.”

I shake my head aggressively, squeezing my eyes shut to block out the fresh wave of panic. “Look, Jake, I said I don’t want to talk about it here. We can talk after church or something.”

Jake frowns. “Theo, I’m not trying to–”

“Theo, everything okay?”

Relief washes over me at the sound of Harrison’s voice echoing from the entryway. He’s eyeing Jake suspiciously, and Jake takes a considerable step back from me.

“Hey, Harry,” I exhale. “Yeah, everything’s fine.”

Harrison’s eyes stay fixed on Jake. “Cool. Jake. How’s it going?”

Jake nods. “Good,” he blurts nervously. “I was just talking to Theo about Triple H, but I just remembered I have to pee before service starts, so, um, I guess I’ll see y’all in there.” And with that, Jake disappears into the men’s bathroom without another word.

“What was that about?” Harrison demands, still glaring at the bathroom door.

I let out a shaky laugh. “I guess all those months of pestering our small group to watch Triple H is finally coming back to bite me.”

Harrison furrows his brow for only a moment, but then his eyes widen. “Oh, shit.”

“Yep.”

“Has he told–”

“I don’t know.”

“Is he going to–”

“I don’t know.”

Harrison tenses beside me. “I’ll talk to him.”

I shake my head. “No, I can take care of it myself. He just…caught me off guard, that’s all.”

Just as Harrison opens his mouth to respond, Chase’s energetic voice booms into the microphone, beckoning everyone to gather for worship.

Harrison glances back at the bathroom door, but I clap his shoulder. “It’s fine, Harry. I’m fine.”

This seems to satisfy him, and the two of us make our way into the main room, where the band and Sienna are starting their set. I can feel Sienna’s eyes on me, but I ignore her completely, keeping my eyes fixed on the television screen above the stage where the lyrics are displayed. At some point, I notice Jake sneaking back into the room. Our eyes meet for barely a fraction of a second, but I quickly look away.

As worship wraps up, Chase is back at the front of the stage, wearing his trademark eager grin as he scans the crowd. “Let us pray.”

I close my eyes and bow my head, but I don’t pick up on much of the prayer after that. I can’t stop thinking about Jake. Not just the fact that he knows about Caleb and me, but I also can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that he’s gay. How did I miss it? Is my gaydar really that bad? He says he’s known for years, but shouldn’t I have noticed? It also begs the question—are there others? I sneak a peek during the prayer, glancing around the room and wondering who else in the youth group might also be gay, bisexual, lesbian, or…any of the other letters in the not-straight community. I guess I should learn those at some point.

“We know we are all selfish, sinful beings that desperately need Your grace. Keep us humble, Lord. Show us how to put You first in everything we do. In Jesus’ name, we pray, Amen.”

Selfish, sinful beings.

I squeeze my eyes shut again, guilt swelling in my gut for thinking about my own problems right now. The Jake thing can wait.

“So let’s jump right into it!” Chase begins as everyone makes their way back to their seats. “We’ve been talking about the book of Romans for the past couple of weeks, but today, let’s really unpack and discuss original sin and how it still affects us today. Now, for those who want to follow along, turn to Romans chapter three in your Bibles…”

My focus continues to wane as the night continues, and it completely plummets once we’re in our small group. I can’t avoid Jake here. Jake sits just across the circle from me, two seats away from Brandon, our small group leader. I’m mostly successful at evading Jake’s gaze, but I still end up wondering how many other guys have already watched the Saint Catherine’s episode of Triple H, too, and they’re just waiting to bring it up. Would they come to me first? Would they tell other people? Is my love life part of the youth group gossip now? Has Sienna brought it up to her small group, perhaps as a prayer request? Sienna used to gush about how close she is to her small group all the time, so it wouldn’t surprise me if all the junior girls knew about Caleb and me by now.

Once small group is over, Harrison and I make a beeline for the backdoor to head toward our cars in the parking lot. Just the sight of Eileen’s glossy red paint is enough to bring my anxiety down again. Freedom is only a few hundred feet away.

“Hey guys, wait up!”

My chest tightens again. Harrison and I turn around to see Jake jogging up behind us. Harrison tosses me a look, and I shrug.

“Hey, Jake,” Harrison greets him flatly, barely slowing his pace to the cars. “What’s up?”

“I just wanted to talk to you—both of you,” Jake replies, then looks at me. “Did you tell him?”

I frown. “Tell him what?”

“That I’m gay?”

Harrison nearly trips over his own feet. “Wait, what?”

We finally reach Eileen and Harrison’s white Toyota Corolla parked beside her, and I try to act casual. “That wasn’t really my news to share,” I say with another shrug. “Trust me, it’s not cool to be outed when you’re not ready.”

Jake’s brows furrow at that. “Oh, yikes. That’s messed up. Who outed you?”

I shake my head and shove my hands in my pockets. “I’d rather not talk about it.”

“Wait, wait, hang on,” Harrison says, holding his hands up. “I feel like I need a second to catch up. When did this happen?”

Jake scoffs. “When did I become gay? Great question. So technically, I’m pretty sure I was born this way, as are most gay people, but I probably first started to suspect it when I watched How To Train Your Dragon when I was maybe five or six? There was something about Hiccup that made me feel–”

“You know that’s not what I meant,” Harrison interrupts. “I mean, when did you come out? Is it still a secret?”

“Oh, yeah,” Jake replies. “I mean, my best friend from school knows. Y’all remember Shauna? I’ve brought her to SCC a couple of times, but she goes to a different church across town. Other than her, it’s just you two.”

Harrison’s eyebrows shoot up as he looks back and forth between Jake and me. “Wow. Okay. And I assume you told Theo because…” he trails off.

I nod. “Yeah, he watched the Triple H interview.”

Harrison sighs. “Got it. Okay. Thank you, now I’m up to speed.”

I turn to Jake and manage a smile. “So, Hiccup was your gay awakening, huh? Not bad.”

Jake chuckles. “Thanks. I definitely could have done worse, so I’m pretty happy with that.” His smile fades at the sound of a family loading up in their SUV a few yards away, and he steps a little closer to me. “Hey, listen—um—is it okay if I text you sometime?”

I blink at him, a tiny bit of panic threatening to surface. “Oh, uhh—Jake, I’m flattered, really, but, um—no, I’m still with?—”

“No, no, no, shit, sorry—” Jake blurts out, shaking his head wildly. “Not like that. I mean, you are cute, don’t get me wrong, but—shit, that’s not—look, I respect that you have a boyfriend, and I’m super happy for you guys. I just—” he stops himself and takes a breath. “I really just want a friend. Someone who’s going through the same shit that I am. No one else is really out at my school, and I just—I don’t know, I feel like maybe having someone to talk to who's been through it will make it feel less…lonely, you know?”

As I absorb Jake’s words, I take him in as well. His gray eyes are glossy with the threat of tears, and I can hear the sadness in his voice. He’s alone in this. From almost the very start, even when I was in denial of my feelings for Caleb, I have always been surrounded by support. Not only do I have Harrison, Oliver, Elise, Grace, Nathaniel, Mom, Freddy, and Wren in my corner, but I also have Caleb, the best boyfriend in the world—someone who loves me, believes in me, advocates for me, and knows exactly the kinds of things I’m going through. Jake doesn’t have a Caleb. He has his friend Shauna, which isn’t nothing, but I know it’s something else entirely to have another not-straight person to confide in and talk to.

Finally, I smile at Jake and pat his shoulder. “Yeah, man. Of course, you can text me anytime. Let me give you my number.”

Jake releases a breath with a relieved grin as he digs his phone from his pocket. “Thanks, Theo. I really appreciate it.”

I type my number in his phone and hand it back to him. “Don’t mention it. You shouldn’t have to go through this alone. We’ve got to stick together, you know?”

Jake nods, swiping his sleeve against his face. “Yeah. We really do.” He flashes a mischievous grin. “And I promise to be on my best behavior so you can tell Caleb he has nothing to worry about.”

I laugh. “That’s probably the last thing Caleb’s got to worry about. We’ve already had to go through hell just to be together at all, so I don’t think jealousy is even on our radar. Besides–” I gesture vaguely at myself. “Not much here worth being jealous over.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” Jake replies, crossing his arms over his chest. “I’m calling it now—when you get to college and really start living your life as a gay man, you’re going to be drowning in interested guys.”

“Bi, actually,” Harrison mutters quietly, clearing his throat as Jake and I look at him. “He’s bi, not gay.”

Jake’s eyes widen. “Oh, shit, then you’ll have girls and guys coming out of the woodwork before long. Caleb better watch out!” Jake winks and elbows my arm.

“ Psh , yeah, right,” I scoff. The idea of anyone—male, female, or otherwise—pursuing me romantically has always been preposterous to me. With my messy dark hair, sharp features, and five-foot-six stature, I’m a far cry from the most attractive guy in Specter. Add to that my severe social anxiety, average intelligence, and a general lack of any interesting skills or hobbies, and let’s just say I’m surprised I have any friends at all. I honestly don’t know what Caleb sees in me, but whatever it is, I’m thankful for it.

“Whatever you say, dude,” Jake says, clapping his hands together. “Anyway, I’m starving. Do you guys want to grab some food?”

Harrison looks at me, and I nod. “Definitely. Let’s get out of here!”

Dinner with Jake and Harrison almost has me miss my curfew, but fortunately, I’m able to shoot my parents a quick text explaining I was out with a friend from church, and I’m just barely able to pull into the driveway about five minutes late. Dad initially eyes me with suspicion as I rush in the door, but as soon as I explain that it was Jake Buchanon—son of one of the elders, Jim Buchanon—he looks visibly relieved.

I try not to dwell on the fact that Dad’s trust in me has only diminished after he found out I was dating Caleb. I’ve always been “the good kid,” the rule follower, and I’ve always been able to fly under the radar because of my parents’ unwavering certainty in my compliance. Not anymore. Now my father looks at me with suspicion and concern, and I know it’s because he’s worried that I’m out kissing a boy again. Or worse—more than kissing.

I try not to let it get to me. There’s no point in fighting. I just have to grin and bear it until I can move out and live my own life. It’s the only way.

I retreat to my bedroom for the night, finish a bit of homework, and text Caleb and the crew a bit for about an hour or so before bed. Just as I’m about to go to the bathroom to brush my teeth?—

“I can’t believe you’re still entertaining this phase of his.”

I freeze at the top of the stairs at the sound of my father’s frustrated voice.

“Oh, Michael, come on,” Mom replies dismissively. “You and I both know this isn’t a phase–”

“It’s a phase, Kora. This is textbook teenage rebellion. Times have just changed, that’s all. Instead of doing drugs or joining gangs, the cool thing to do now is experiment with sexuality and gender.”

My stomach twists as I realize that they’re talking about me. I remain perfectly still, a marble statue at the top of the stairs. I don’t dare move a muscle—I hardly even breathe as I listen as hard as I can.

“I don’t think so, Mike. I really don’t. Theo’s not rebellious. That’s not who he is–”

“Every teenager is rebellious at some point,” Dad argues. “It would be naive of us to think Theo is any different.”

“And you really think this would be how Theo would rebel? To what end?”

“There is no end—kids don’t think that far ahead. This is just a cry for attention. Just like Grace’s tattoos and piercings, this is Theo’s way of acting out.” Dad pauses, then lets out a dry laugh. “I’m just praying that Nate’s rebellion is more predictable.”

Mom is quiet for a moment. “Michael, I really think you should look at some of the material Grace–”

“No.”

“—she just put so much work into it?—”

“Kora, you know I’m not going?—”

“—and I think it would mean a lot to both of them?—”

“Kora, that’s enough. ”

I shudder at Dad’s commanding tone. The entire house goes completely quiet—all I can hear is the sound of my own heart pounding in my ears.

Finally, Dad sighs. “I know you’re just trying to be a good mother to your son. I know that, and I don’t want to stand in your way. But as his father, I have a job to do, too—to put my son on the right path. As long as he’s under my roof, I can’t put up with blatant immoral behavior.”

Blatant immoral behavior. The phrase burns my ears, branding the inside of my skull.

“Come on, Michael, he’s never exhibited?—”

“French kissing a boy at a public event and declaring his sexuality on an internet show? That’s pretty blatant in my book. It’s unacceptable, and you know it.”

Unacceptable. That’s how my dad sees me. That’s how he sees my behavior. My relationship with Caleb. Blatant, immoral, and unacceptable.

Mom releases a shaky, defeated sigh. “You’re going to push him away. You know that, right?”

“I have faith, Kora. God will give me the words to say to get through to him. I know my son, and I know he’s going to come around.”

“And if he doesn’t?”

A long silence drapes over the house. “He will,” Dad states firmly with finality. “He’ll do the right thing. He has to.”

He has to.

Without making a sound, I slip back into my bedroom and silently shut the door. Tears burning behind my eyes, I turn out my lights, sink to the floor, and wrap my arms around my legs.

Unacceptable.

He’s going to come around. He’ll do the right thing. He has to.