Theoretically Perfect (Theoretically Straight #2)

3. Caleb

“Lunch was great, Mom! We’ll be downstairs!”

Theo shuts the door at the top of the staircase behind him, muffling the boisterous laughter coming from the dining room. His shoulders sink with a heavy sigh as he slowly descends, fiddling with the cuffs of his button-down.

I wait at the base of the stairs, watching him. I’ve been watching him all afternoon. And not just because I think he looks hot in his Sunday best.

He’s just so… different around his family. Usually, whenever we spend time at the Briggs’ house, the change in him is subtle. But today, with all of the people from his church and his dad hovering like a helicopter, it’s like he’s someone else entirely.

If I’m honest, it sort of freaks me out.

Theo wraps his arms around me when he reaches the bottom stair, the reverse in our height difference letting him rest his elbows on my shoulders. I catch him at the waist, holding him on that last step as I tuck my head under his chin, burying my face into his chest.

A chuckle rumbles through him as he squeezes my neck. “God, I needed that.”

I try to reply, but my words get muffled against his sweater.

“I’m sure whatever you said was very cute,” Theo says, letting his hold on me go slack.

Pulling away, I stick my tongue out at him, which just makes him laugh more. Good. He’s spent most of the afternoon with a furrowed brow. No more of that.

“Does your family do this every Christmas?” I ask, stepping back into the hallway.

Theo nods, his dark curls bouncing. “Yeah, it’s a lot. Pastor Sheppard and my dad have been friends forever, so it’s like a thing every year with them. This is the first year Chase has shown up, though. Sorry, he’s a bit cringe, but he means well.”

“He was nice,” I say, selecting my words carefully.

Theo pauses outside of the theater room, his hand on the knob. “And I’m sorry about the whole ‘friend from school’ thing. Again. It feels shit– crappy– I know, but it’s only temporary. Once my dad comes around, we won’t have to say it anymore.”

“It’s okay,” I mutter, even though it feels like a lie the second it leaves my mouth. He’s right, it is shitty, but I also know that it’s what has to happen if I’m going to be with Theo. So, I have to accept it.

He throws a quick glance over his shoulder, then he looks at me again, this shining twinkle in his umber eyes that makes my stomach twist into a tangle of knots. “I love you,” he says, his voice low. And before I can say it back, he’s kissing me, warm lips and fingers sunk into my waist, washing away all of the things I’m holding back from him.

Because here, in these moments where Theo is mine, and there’s no one else around, I know that he speaks the truth. He loves me, and I love him, and at the end of the day, all the little things standing in our way don’t matter.

He pulls away sooner than I would like, his cheeks and the tip of his nose tinged red like he’s been standing outside in the cold. “How much do you want to bet Harry and Elise are making out in there?” he asks, nodding his head toward the door.

I snort a laugh, my own face glowing with heat. “It’s either that or they're arguing about something. I’d say it’s a fifty-fifty toss-up.”

“Only one way to find out.”

With a quiet creak, the door to the theater room swings open.

“—know he’s union-busting the elves. They have no rights!”

Harrison looks up from the back row of recliners, giving us a wave and Elise pauses her ranting long enough to say, “Finally. Back me up here, Caleb. Harry is trying to make the argument that Santa isn’t the figurehead of Capitalism.”

“Um, okay? Context?”

“How can that be?” Harrison cuts in, “He doesn’t make a profit! If he was a capitalist, then he wouldn’t be caught dead giving the toys away for free.”

Theo shakes his head, moving over to the bar area where he powers on the projector. “Y’all are too much.”

“Hear me out, Caleb,” Elise continues, getting up from her spot beside Harrison and grabbing my hand. She drags me over to the row of seats where her boyfriend is sprawled out, his paisley tie pulled loose around his neck and his phone resting on his stomach. “Santa sells the personification of charity during the holidays, which then encourages us, the consumer base, to overspend and stretch ourselves thin to perpetuate the same illusion of charity, but really, we’re just throwing our hard-earned money at the same three corporations who rake in billions of dollars in profits while exploiting the working class and fueling the dumpster fire that is consumerism. Are you following me?”

I nod along. “Barely.”

“But you’re talking about the concept of Santa,” Harrison interjects. “My argument comes from the assumption that the magical legend known as Santa Claus is a real person. If that’s the case, then he’s obviously not some corporate shill.”

“Not necessarily,” I say, catching both of their attentions. “If we assume Santa is real, then he’d obviously be in support of making his holiday more popular. We already know he exploits the free labor of his indentured slaves, the elves. Would it be so hard to believe he’d sign an exclusive deal with a toy manufacturer to distribute his creations throughout the world? He’d make billions. Then he can continue doing his little charity show once a year bringing toys to everyone, when the rest of the year he’s selling his wares at top dollar and using the profits to funnel money into the Christmas machine. Let’s be honest, he’s probably producing all those movies on the Hallmark channel my Nana is obsessed with.

“Oh, and don’t get me started on the whole ‘naughty or nice’ thing because if we’re letting some white-haired minor deity with a penchant for little kids start trying to sell us his own twisted sense of morality, then maybe it’s a good thing climate change is melting his home.”

They both stare at me, Elise grinning like a madwoman and Harrison honestly looking a little afraid.

“I love him,” Elise says, looking at Theo.

“Get in line,” Theo quips, crossing in front of us and nestling himself into the other half of my recliner. It’s a bit snug, but I’m not complaining.

“You two can never break up.” Elise takes my hand again, pulling it into her lap. “Where did you learn how to argue like that?”

“My mom’s a lawyer,” I explain, my cheeks flushing. “And my sister will be soon. I have to stay sharp if I want to keep up with them.”

“Good luck, Theo,” Harrison adds, pushing the button to bring his recliner up. “You’re never going to win an argument.”

“It’s cool. We don’t really argue anyways,” Theo says, reaching for my other hand.

“Really?” Elise asks, looking bewildered. “Like, never?”

I shake my head, suddenly feeling self-conscious. Are we supposed to argue with each other? Is that what couples do? Elise and Harrison bicker all the time, but I just thought that was because Elise is who she is as a person.

“No. There have been misunderstandings, sure. But nothing that’s blown up to a full-on argument.”

Theo raises an eyebrow at me. “That’s a good thing, right?”

“I’m not sure,” I admit. “Did you have arguments with Sienna–”

He raises his free hand, cutting me off. “I don’t want to talk about her.”

“Sorry,” I mutter, heat prickling at the nape of my neck.

An awkward silence falls over the group, but Theo exhales again, sinking deeper into the recliner, and says, “I didn’t mean to say it like that.”

“I get it,” I assure him, giving his hand a squeeze. It’s not much, but it’s all I can do at the moment. His ex-girlfriend is still a sore spot for multiple reasons.

“Enough debating over Santa politics,” Elise says, letting go of my hand and pulling her legs underneath her. “What movie are we watching?”

The conversation devolves into a list of options until, finally, Elise and Harrison agree on one. Theo starts the movie–I’m too distracted to catch the title–and I stare at the seams on the back of the recliner in front of me, lost in my head.

I shouldn’t have brought up Sienna. Theo’s definitely still upset about her outing him to his parents. And rightfully so. I would be upset, too, if I were in his shoes. Just thinking about it makes me angry on his behalf. The fact that I was in the same room as her earlier today makes me want to scream.

But what good would that do? I can’t add any more stress to his life. I need to be the one supporting him, especially when it comes to his parents. To make them understand my relationship with Theo isn’t some curse damning him to an eternity of suffering.

God, I can’t believe people think that way.

Theo squeezes my hand, pulling my attention. His wide, dark eyes are practically drowning with concern. He must feel the anxiety radiating off me. I manage the most convincing smile I can, shaking my head.

His attention lingers, but eventually returns to the movie. He doesn’t let go of my hand, even when the credits roll and conversation resumes. But I know he’ll drop it again, just like he did after the prayer. And I can’t get the thought out of my head.

The brisk December breeze chases away the lingering heat in my cheeks as I climb into Theo’s red Honda. With some slick maneuvering on his part, Theo convinced his mom to let him drive me home sans a chaperone since Nate was tasked with entertaining the Sheppard girls for the evening.

He starts up the playlist we made together last week before shifting into reverse and resting a hand on my seat as he looks through the back windshield. It’s only a little past five, and already the sun is low in the sky, streaking thin, wispy clouds with brilliant orange and reds. This close to Christmas, the roads are slammed with last-minute shoppers and folks from out of town getting ready for the holiday, so it takes us longer than usual to get back to my place. A tan RV sits in front of the house– evidence that Nana has arrived for her annual holiday visit–but my parent’s cars are both missing from the driveway.

“Is your family going camping?” Theo asks, turning down the music.

I snort a laugh. “Oh, hell no. The Raynards are strictly indoor people. That’s my Nana’s RV. She drives it down from Maine every year to spend the holidays with us. She wasn’t supposed to be here till tonight, though. I should let Mom know.”

I pull out my phone, firing a quick message off before I see the notification in the muted “Family” chat–

Nana

WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYONE?

Shit, sorry, my caps lock was on.

Maternal Unit

Still out shopping, Mom. The lines are CRAZY. We’ll be home in a bit. Caleb, if you beat me home, let Nana in.

Nana

Not to worry, I can get inside. Haven’t met a door my library card can’t open.

Maternal Unit

Mother, please don’t set off the alarm again. We’ll be there soon.

Nana

How’d I raise such a killjoy?

Sister

Nana, you’re my hero.

Dad Joke Master

Lynn, there’s a key out back under the flower pot. Please don’t break another window.

“There’s a good chance Nana’s already committed a B&E, so I should probably get in there and make sure she didn’t hurt herself.”

“Hang on,” Theo says, unfastening his seatbelt. He reaches into the floorboard behind my seat and pulls out a red and green striped gift bag with tissue paper sticking out of the top. “I know we’re both busy with family stuff, so I wanted to make sure you got this before Christmas.”

The glittering bag sparkles in the fading sunlight.

“It’s not much,” Theo continues, averting his eyes as he offers the bag. “But it seemed weird not to get you something.” I take the bag, and it’s heavier than it looks as it falls in my lap. “And don’t feel like you need to get me anything–I mean, it’s okay if you did, but it’s also cool if you didn’t because, like, I wasn’t expecting anything in return, so don’t think that you have to–”

I interrupt his rambling by leaning over the center console and planting a kiss on his cheek. “Thank you, Theo. I’ve actually got something for you, too, but it’s upstairs. Did you want to come up and get it?”

Theo’s eyes brighten with a grin, the red tinge in his cheeks spreading. “Yeah, I mean, I can’t stay long, but yeah, I can do that.”

We exit the car, a burst of cold wind coaxing us quickly to the door which I unlock, ushering him inside. Jolly Christmas music booms through the house at a deafening level, and Theo plugs his ears as I shout, “Nana?!”

A familiar head of bleached-blond and gray hair peeks around the corner. “Caleb! Merry Christmas, sweetheart!”

Nana bulldozes her way through the foyer, wrapping me up into a peppermint-scented, bone-crushing hug.

“When did you get here?” I ask, but Nana scrunches her face and holds up a finger.

“Siri! Pause!”

The deafening music stops, leaving a ringing in my ears.

“What did you say, sweetheart?”

“Never mind,” I reply, stepping beside Theo and grabbing his hand. “I want you to meet someone, Nana. This is my boyfriend, Theo. Theo, this is my Nana, Lynn.”

Theo holds out his free hand, putting on a wavering smile. “Nice to meet you.”

Nana knocks his hand away, pulling him into another hug, but he’s still holding onto me, so it becomes one of those weird three-way hugs, but Nana doesn’t seem to mind. “Aren’t you the cutest thing? Caleb, you have good taste. It runs in the family.”

Theo stumbles back from the embrace, looking at me with a bewildered expression. “Um, thank you?”

“I’ve been decorating,” Nana continues, pulling a stray strand of tinsel out of the knit of her Christmas tree sweater. “Your mother always was a procrastinator, so it’s a good thing I got here early. Why don’t you two come help me put the star on top of the tree?”

“Theo can’t stay long,” I tell her, “we’re going to go grab his gift from upstairs, then I’m all yours.”

“Well, piddle,” Nana huffs. “Not that I find you boring or anything, Caleb, but I was looking forward to getting to know Theo. Guess we’ll have to take a rain check.”

“He’s not going anywhere, Nana,” I assure her, steering Theo toward the stairs. “There will be plenty of time for that later.”

“Till next time, Theo!” She calls after us, then from the living room she yells, “Siri, play!”

The music resumes its ear-splitting volume, but soon enough, we’re behind the closed door of my bedroom.

“She seems… spirited,” Theo says, hovering by the foot of my bed.

“That’s a good word for her,” I agree, setting my gift bag down on my desk. “Apparently, she’s always been like that. Mom has a thousand stories of growing up when it was just the two of them, and Nana was working for the DA’s office in Atlanta. She used to bring Mom along to trials sometimes.”

“She’s a lawyer, too?”

“Runs in the family,” I say, opening the door to my closet. Wren and I have been working on Theo’s gift for a couple of weeks, but keep it tucked away, just in case he might spot it when he’s over. “Though, I think it may just be the women. I can’t say I have the calling.” I carefully extract the gift from its hiding place but hesitate before turning around.

What if he thinks it’s dumb? Or what if he says he likes it but is just trying not to hurt my feelings? Maybe I should put it back and tell him his gift got lost in the mail.

“I made you something,” I say before I can chicken out. “Crafting isn’t really my thing, so I had Wren come help me with a couple of parts. And I didn’t really know how to wrap it, so you’ll have to close your eyes!”

“Okay, they’re closed.”

“I mean it, no peeking!”

“My eyes can’t be any more closed.”

I move quickly over to the bed, carefully positioning the posterboard so that it faces Theo. The glue has dried nicely, so it doesn’t look like I lost any photos in the transition.

“Okay, you can look.”

Theo’s eyes flutter open, catching on me before they move to the collage on the bed. My magnum opus. It took me forever to collect pictures from everyone’s social media accounts and figure out the best layout.

“My mom got me a photo printer for my birthday back in March,” I say as Theo looks over my creation. “I’ve been looking for a reason to use it. The pictures on the outer edge are of the whole friend group. I even threw in a couple of Nate and Grace that I stole from your Insta. Then, as you get closer to the center–”

“It’s us,” Theo says, a smile creeping over his lips.

I nod, watching him take it all in. The pictures of the two of us frame the center of the collage, making the rough outline of what I hope looks like a heart.

“I left the center empty,” I explain, pointing to the void space in the middle of the heart. “I figured we could put a really special picture there.”

Theo nods, swallowing. His finger traces the edge of the posterboard.

“Do you like it?” I ask, unable to contain the question any longer.

“I love it,” he says, his voice husky. “Really, I love it, Caleb. I just… I got you sour gummy worms and the new I Love You Seymour Shura manga. But this is a whole other level.”

“You got me the new one?!” I tear into the gift bag, finding the wrapped manga under a massive bag of gummies. “I’ve been avoiding spoilers for weeks!”

Theo laughs. “Don’t even pretend it’s the same. I’m going to get you back, I swear!”

“I really do like it,” I tell him, clutching the paperback to my chest. “And I can blame my next cavity on you, so there’s that.”

He laughs again, bouncing off the edge of the bed and wrapping me up in a hug. “You’re the best, you know?”

“I do. But you can still tell me as much as you want.”

He kisses me, lips gentle against mine. “The best,” he whispers, then kisses me again, and again and again, till my head is swimming and the room is stifling, and there’s nothing left to do but say goodbye.