Theoretically Perfect (Theoretically Straight #2)

12. Theo

If Dad weren’t such a strong Christian, I’d be fully convinced that I’m driving to my execution right about now. Fortunately for me, filicide is generally frowned upon by the church at large. Well, at least since the New Testament. You’d be surprised by how many times God told fathers to kill their kids in the Old Testament. It’s actually kind of disturbing to think about.

After dropping Caleb off at his house, I make the agonizing drive home. I try to listen to music, but for once, it doesn’t help.

Instead, I decide to try something a little different.

I clear my throat. “God?” I pray aloud.

Unsurprisingly, I don’t hear any kind of response—only the ambient driving sounds as Eileen and I travel just under the speed limit to stall the inevitable. Nevertheless, I persist.

“I know I haven’t talked to You much lately,” I continue. “And, honestly, I don’t even know if You’re listening ever since I started liking Caleb.”

Again, no response.

“And, well, I know I messed up by lying to Mom. That was definitely stupid of me, so I am sorry for that.”

No answer.

“But,” I press on. “I just—I don’t know what to do. About Dad. I don’t know what to say. He thinks that my relationship with Caleb is a sin, but—” my voice cracks, and I take a shuddering breath. “You wouldn’t make me like this if it was a sin, right?”

Nothing.

“I’ve always been taught that You are a loving God. And I believe that. At least, I want to believe that. And from what I’ve seen, and from what Grace has taught me, I see no reason not to believe that You love me and made me just the way I am.” I grip the steering wheel tighter. “But, is Dad right? Is what I’m doing immoral? Is it a sin to love Caleb?”

Silence.

“Because if it is,” I rasp, my voice breaking again. “Then—then why? Why would You put this love in my heart—and in Caleb’s heart, and in so many queer people’s hearts—only to tell us we aren’t allowed to feel it?”

Once more, I am met with nothing.

I sigh. I don’t know what I expected.

I pull into my driveway and park Eileen in her usual spot. Only Dad’s car is in the driveway, which sends a fresh wave of dread through my chest as I realize Mom won’t be there to mediate.

With a groan, I run my hand through my unruly curls and squeeze my eyes shut. “Please, God. If You’re listening at all, just—just give me something. Anything. And if You’re not, well…” I hesitate before inhaling sharply. “Then, I guess it doesn’t matter, does it?”

Instead of focusing on the silence that follows, I think of Caleb. I picture his honey-brown eyes and sweet, loving smile. I imagine the constellations of freckles that decorate his skin. I recall the sound of his laugh and the way his arms feel wrapped around me. I remember the sparks that dance between us when we touch and the bubbling joy he brings me whenever we’re together.

No matter what Dad says or how he punishes me today, I know that everything is going to be okay. Dad can take away my phone, my car, my money, and my freedom, but he can’t take my love for Caleb away from me. And for right now, that’s enough to get me out of the car and through the front door.

“Theo, is that you?”

I follow Dad’s voice to find him in the dining room. Dad sits at the head of the table, hands wrapped around a cup of tea that smells faintly of cinnamon. He watches as I seat myself at the other end of the table, keeping as much distance from him as possible.

We sit for several horribly uncomfortable seconds before Dad finally speaks. “Theo, I’m going to be very honest with you.”

I swallow. Here we go.

“I’ve been praying about this a lot. About you and about this ongoing…” he hesitates, twisting his lips. “...situation. And quite frankly, I’m at a loss.”

I sit silently, waiting for him to continue.

“Over the past six months, I feel like I’ve been watching my oldest son drift away from me. Away from this family, away from the church, and away from God. And while I can’t know what’s going on in your heart, I have definitely noticed quite a change in your behavior. And it’s not good.”

My jaw clenches, and I have to bite my tongue not to speak.

“It feels like you’re becoming someone else, transforming right before our eyes. And this new person you’ve become, Theo, it’s…it’s not who you are. Lying to your mother, sneaking around behind our backs, deliberately disobeying me when I tell you to come straight home? The Theo I raised never would have done any of that.” He pauses, eyeing me sternly. “And I can’t help but notice that none of these changes started happening until after you started spending time with Caleb.”

I shake my head. “Dad, don’t bring Caleb into this?—”

“How could I not?” he counters with a scoff. “He has everything to do with this. Clearly, he has much more of an influence on you than I thought.”

“No,” I argue. “I already told you, Caleb had nothing to do with me lying to Mom. That was completely my idea. He didn’t even know that I?—”

“So you said, but how am I supposed to believe you?”

I hesitate. “Look, Dad, I get it. I’m sorry I lied. I shouldn’t have lied. I only did it because I knew y’all would never have said yes if you knew Caleb was coming?—”

“And why is that?” Dad asks, leaning back in his chair. “Why do you think that would be a deterrent?”

It’s my turn to scoff. “Well, obviously, because you think we would have been doing something we shouldn’t have.”

“And did you do something you shouldn’t have?”

“No!” I shout.

Dad shakes his head. “Does Mrs. Hammond know that the two of you are…romantically involved?”

I gulp. “I’m…I’m not sure.”

Dad runs a hand down his face. “That sure seems convenient. So does that mean you shared a hotel room with Caleb overnight with no adult supervision?”

“Dad, it’s not like?—”

“It’s a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question, Theodore.”

I shove my hands into my pocket to stop myself from throwing my hands in the air. “Okay, fine, yes, we did, but we didn’t do anything. Besides, Harrison and Oliver were in the room with us, too, so it’s not like we were alone.”

“Oh, so am I supposed to believe that would have stopped you two from doing anything sexual? Just because your friends were there?”

I twist my face in disgust. “Uh, yeah, Dad. That’s gross.”

Dad barks a laugh. “Oh, well. It’s good to know you have at least a little shame left.”

My jaw nearly drops as I process his words. “Wh–what is that supposed to mean?”

He opens his mouth to answer, but he’s interrupted by a loud buzzing on the table that startles us both. Dad sighs as he peeks at his phone, then turns his eyes back to me as he answers the call. “Hello, Kora.”

“Michael, don’t do anything until I get home,” Mom’s voice pierces the air over Dad’s speakerphone. “I’m five minutes away. Is Theo home yet?”

“He only just got home a few moments ago,” Dad replies calmly. “We’re chatting in the dining room.”

“Mike, I’m serious,” Mom urges. “You and I need to talk before we confront Theo about this. You’ve been really emotional about this whole thing, and I’m worried you might not be in the right headspace?—”

“We’ll see you when you get home, dear,” Dad cuts in. “Drive safe.” And with that, he ends the call.

I stare at him in shock. Did he really just hang up on Mom?

Dad huffs a humorless laugh as he puts his phone in his pocket. “You know, son,” he continues. “Your mother and I used to be on the same page about these kinds of things. We’ve always been a united front, parenting as a team, as God calls us to do. But ever since you and Grace decided to convince your mother that having traditional values makes us bigots…” he trails off.

“Dad—”

“Don’t interrupt me,” Dad snaps, a flicker of something frightening flashing in his eyes, but then he pinches the bridge of his nose with a sigh. “Look, Theo, I just want what’s best for you. You’re my son, and I love you. In Proverbs, we are instructed to ‘train up a child in the way he should go, and even when he grows older, he will not abandon it.’ It’s my job as your father to set you on the right path, and up until six months ago, that was never something I worried about with you. You’ve never challenged or questioned us, or the church, or your sexuality or gender, but now, all of a sudden, out of nowhere —” he squeezes his eyes shut and his fists tight. “You make one gay friend at school, and, poof, now you’re gay, too? Just like that?”

Frustration boils in my chest, bubbling out in the form of defiance. “No, Dad, that’s not how it–”

“Next thing I know, you’re lying to us and sneaking off to do God-only-knows-what in a hotel room? It’s like I don’t even recognize you anymore.”

Tears begin to form in my eyes, and I desperately try to blink them away. Unacceptable. Unacceptable. “I’m—I’m sorry. I said I was sorry for lying?—”

“Nevertheless, if Caleb is the problem, then the solution seems fairly simple.”

No, no, no. “Dad, please, would you just?—”

“Give me your car keys.”

My blood runs cold. “But–”

“Now, Theo,” Dad commands, holding out his hand. “Don’t make me take your phone, too.”

I snap out of my paralysis and hand over my keys. I can live with that—as long as he doesn’t take my phone again, I can survive without my car for a bit.

Dad pockets my keys, then turns away. “Now, go to your room until it’s time for dinner. Your mom and I will need to figure out where to go from here.”

I don’t need to be told twice. I quickly make my way upstairs, gently shutting the door behind me. With trembling fingers, I reach for the closest Sufjan Stevens vinyl to put on my turntable and press play. The music calms me—just barely, but it’s enough—and I release a shaky breath as I finally allow myself to cry alone.

Instead of crawling under the covers as I usually do for times like this, I’m pulled to my closet. While it’s less of a “walk-in” closet and more of a “barely-step-one-foot-in” closet, there’s plenty of space for my basic wardrobe and other random knick-knacks. However, after Christmas, I moved a lot of my crap out of the way so that I could store something far more valuable—the single most important object I’ve ever owned.

There, tucked safely behind my single suit, various blazers, and button-down shirts, sits Caleb’s Christmas gift to me—the photo collage that nearly brought me to tears in front of him. A beautiful paper tapestry made with more love and care than any gift I’ve ever received in my life.

It’s here where I crumble to my knees and weep, my teary eyes traveling across every inch of Caleb’s masterpiece. For perhaps the hundredth time, I marvel at the way each image perfectly captures the joy of its subjects. All the photos of the two of us, of all our friends, of Grace and Nathaniel, flawlessly arranged to make a giant empty heart—the only blank spot of the composition.

“I left the center empty. I figured we could put a really special picture there.”

I choke out a sob and squeeze my eyes shut. We still haven’t taken a photo deserving of such an honor. At least, not a photo that I’ve deemed worthy. Caleb has made dozens of suggestions, but I’ve been stubbornly turning them all down. For as hard as Caleb worked on it, the centerpiece has to be perfect.

But is that even possible? Will it ever be?

We’ll never be perfect, will we?

Of course we won’t. “We” includes me, after all. I’m so astronomically far from perfect that it’s almost laughable. Throughout our relationship, my imperfections have always been the root of all our problems. My fear of what people think, my obsessive people-pleasing, my absolute terror of losing Caleb—my anxieties have been at the heart of every obstacle we’ve faced, and I hate myself for it. The harder I try to be perfect, the farther I seem to get from it.

Caleb, on the other hand, is perfect. I mean, he’s as close as a person can get to being perfect. He’s patient, compassionate, and strong. He’s sincere and honest in everything he does, and he’s never afraid to be himself. He’s thoughtful, generous, and kind. Caleb is perfect, and he deserves perfect.

He deserves better. So, so much better.

“Theo?”

I’m jolted awake by three knocks on the door and the sound of my mother’s voice on the other side. Shit, did I fall asleep in my closet? My body protests as I abruptly prop myself upright against the doorframe. “Yeah?”

“Can I come in, aroha ?”

I sigh, too tired to pretend I’ve been in bed this whole time. “Sure.”

Mom opens the door, her expression morphing from alarm to confusion as her gaze darts around the room until they find me. “Oh,” she says aloud. “Wha—what are you doing on the floor?”

I shrug, not really interested in explaining myself to her, especially if she’s just here to dole out more of a punishment.

Warily, Mom steps further into my room, sitting on the corner of my bed to face me. “I think we need to talk.”

I nod. “I’m sorry for lying to you, Mom,” I blurt out. “It was really stupid and selfish of me.”

Mom studies me silently for a few moments. “It was very unlike you.”

“I know,” I agree. “I’m really sorry.”

Mom’s lip twitches into a small smile. “I know, sweetie. And I forgive you.”

I manage a weak smile in return, then drop my gaze to the ground and wrap my arms around my knees, unsure of what to say at this point. Nothing I could say would change anything, anyway. It doesn’t matter how sorry I am—I have to face whatever consequences my parents have deemed appropriate for my crimes. All I can do now is wait.

“What’s that?”

I blink, glancing back up to see what Mom’s referring to. She’s looking past me into the closet. “What’s what?” I ask.

She squints, frowns, then stands and takes a few steps towards me. “Are those pictures back there?”

My stomach drops. Shit, shit, shit, Caleb’s collage. “Oh, um—” I can’t say it’s nothing. I just apologized for lying. Shit. “Yeah, it’s, uh, it was just a gift, thing. From, um?—”

Mom crouches down beside me and pushes aside the suit I wore to Granny’s funeral last spring, fully revealing the collage. Her breath catches in her throat as she takes it in. I watch as her eyes bounce between the faces of each photo, widening with wonder and recognition. “Oh, Theo, this is beautiful. Did you make this?”

I gulp. I might as well come clean about it. “No. Caleb did. He made it for me for Christmas.”

Her brows shoot up in surprise, her mouth still agape. She slowly outstretches a hand, pointing at the blank spot in the middle. “Is this bit empty on purpose?”

“Kind of,” I admit. “We’re waiting to put the perfect picture there. Of…of us.”

Mom turns to look at me, eyes glistening as she considers my words. Her gaze is a bit too much for me at the moment, so I turn away. None of this matters. I’m still getting punished. Why doesn’t she just give me my punishment already? Why prolong the inevitable?

“Caleb really loves you, doesn’t he?”

My heart nearly stops. I swivel my head to look at her once again, and she’s studying me. Without any further hesitation, I nod. “Yeah, he really does. And I love him, too.”

Mom nods, inspects the collage for a few more seconds, then stands up straight with a soft huff. “That’s such a thoughtful gift. Caleb did an incredible job.”

I follow her lead, forcing myself up from the floor and moving to my desk chair. “Yeah. He really did.”

Mom sighs. “Theo, your father and I…” she starts, hesitating. “We have very different feelings about Caleb. Your father sees Caleb as a negative influence on you, and I, well—I just don’t see that at all.”

I try my best to mask my surprise, but it’s probably a lost cause. “Really?”

“Unfortunately, however,” she continues. “Things aren’t looking great in Caleb’s favor when you decide to lie and go behind our back to spend more time with him.”

“Mom, I already told Dad, but I swear, Caleb really didn’t?—”

“I know he didn’t,” Mom cuts in. “It was your idea to lie. I know that.”

I stare at her, my mouth gaping.

“That said,” she proceeds. “You still lied, and therefore, you need to face some consequences.”

Here we go, I think, bracing myself for the blow. What will it be? Another lockdown? Caleb won’t be allowed to visit ever again? I mean, what more could they take away from me?

“This Saturday, I’m co-hosting the quarterly luncheon for the On Our Knees Women’s Ministry. We are actually in need of a few more volunteers to help set up and serve the meals. We can use all the help we can get, so I’m volunteering you to do both.”

I blink, waiting for the rest of the punishment, but Mom says nothing else. “That’s…that’s it?” I hear myself ask aloud.

Mom chuckles. “Oh, is that not enough? Did you want more?”

“No, no,” I blurt quickly, my cheeks burning with embarrassment. “I mean—okay, that seems fair.”

“That’s what I thought,” she replies with a grin. She takes a few steps towards the door but hesitates in the door frame. “And, like I said, we could use all the help we can get, so—” she pauses, meeting my eyes. “If Caleb wants to earn some extra brownie points with us, that might be a good opportunity. But only if he wants to, of course. After all, you’re the one who lied, so you’re the one who has to give up a Saturday to serve, not him.”

I nod. “Okay, yeah. Totally. That’s more than fair.” I manage a smile. “Thanks, Mom.”

Mom hums a response. “Oh, and Theo?”

“Yeah?”

“You shouldn’t have to hide that collage in your closet,” she says softly, her eyes boring into mine. “It’s far too sweet to stay hidden away.”

Without thinking, I let out a dry, humorless laugh. “I think Dad might disagree,” I mutter.

Mom’s smile fades, and she lingers wordlessly at the door while I silently chastise myself for saying anything at all. God, why am I like this? Why did I say that? Why couldn’t I have just let Mom have the last word and kept my mouth shut?

Before I can take it back, Mom is gone, and I’m left alone on the floor of my room.

From somewhere on my bed, I recognize the incessant vibrations coming from my phone, and I finally force myself up to retrieve it. I have dozens of notifications, but the persistent buzzing can only be from one place: the group chat.

Oliver

ok gang, harrison and I just finished going through all our footage and recordings from the hotel…

and here we go…

I hope you’re hungry…

for ~Nothing~

Elise

*eyeroll emoji*

Wren

Seriously?

Oliver

we got NOTHING

Harrison

That’s not exactly true, but it’s definitely not anything to get excited about.

Wren

Not even with the weird stuff happening in the kitchen?

Oliver

dude, it’s nothing

the kitchen footage was just yelling (sorry Theo/Caleb)

Caleb

No worries. It wasn’t my proudest moment.

Harrison

By TikTok standards, yeah, it’s probably nothing.

Oliver

LIKE I SAID

N O T H I N G

Elise

I’m so sorry, guys :(

we’ll get something next time! 3

Oliver

theo, are you still alive?

your dad didn’t burn you at the stake did he?

or whatever it is the church does the gay people

Wren

Bro??

Elise

not funny, Oliver. WTF.

Harrison

Not funny, dude.

Theo

I’m okay guys. thanks for checking in.

I’m sorry we didn’t get anything at the hotel :(

Oliver

AYYY

Elise

Theo!! we love you! how are you holding up?

Oliver

you still have your phone??

God is real!!

Harrison

Glad you’re okay, man. We’re here for you.

Theo

thanks guys. yeah, my dad only took away my car for a while but he’s letting me keep my phone

also I have to volunteer at church on saturday morning

Oliver

ughhhhhhh boooo

Caleb

*crying emoji* 3 3 3

Harrison

Oof.

Elise

ugh, that sucks. I’m so sorry!

Theo

all things considered, it’s really not that bad though

I think my mom convinced my dad to go easier on me

Elise

niiiice!

Oliver

what a queen *crown emoji*

Freddy

Did someone say queen? *nails emoji*

Wren

*eye roll emoji* put us back on mute, Freddy.