Theoretically Perfect (Theoretically Straight #2)

18. Theo

Sunday, March 10

“So, I’ve been thinking about coming out to my mom.”

I nearly drop my thermos full of steaming coffee at Jake’s words. My head instinctively swivels, scanning the narrow tech storeroom to see who from the church’s AV team now knows Jake’s grave secret—only to find it empty.

“Dude, you gotta chill,” Jake says with a laugh. “I’m not an idiot.”

I let out a relieved sigh. “Sorry, man.” I hold up my dark green thermos. “It’s the espresso.”

One of the perks of volunteering for the AV team is unlimited access to their surprisingly fancy espresso machine, hidden away in the tech storeroom. Since I have to get here so early every Sunday, I’ve been putting it to good use. It’s only 9:20 A.M., but I’ve already downed two almond milk lattes, and I can hear my heartbeat in my ears as the caffeine flows through my bloodstream. I probably shouldn’t have a third at this rate, but, as I said, it’s only 9:20 A.M., and I’m not free to go until at least 12:45.

“Lightweight,” Jake replies, giving me a playful shove. “Anyway. As I was saying… I’m thinking about coming out to my mom.”

“Yeah?”

Jake fidgets with the lid of his yellow thermos, his expression uncharacteristically serious. “Yeah. Do you think it’s a bad idea?”

I frown. “That’s not something I can answer, man.”

“I know, but, like—I don’t know. I don’t want to risk them finding out before I can tell them myself, you know?”

I huff a dry laugh. “Yeah, I can’t imagine what that would be like.”

“But at the same time,” he continues. “I’m not seeing anyone, and the only people that know about me don’t talk to my parents. So, I’d say my risk of getting outed is pretty low.”

“That’s true.”

“Because what if—” he hesitates for a few seconds before continuing. “What if she ends up hating me for it? What if she and Dad try to ship me off to some conversation therapy camp? Or kick me out of the house? I mean, would it be smarter to just stay in the closet for one more year just until I can get the fuck out of there?”

“Do you really think that’s how your mom would react?” I ask softly.

Jake blinks. “I—I don’t know.” He sniffs, then clears his throat. “That’s the thing, I just—I don’t know, and that fucking sucks.”

My heart aches for him, so I put a hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Jake. It does fucking suck.”

“S’okay,” he replies quietly. “I just hate it. The whole thing. The pretending, the hiding, the guilt, the anxiety, the not knowing who I can trust... It’s all shit.”

“I know.”

We stand together silently for a few moments before Jake clears his throat again. “Anyway, enough about my shit. How’s your shit? Anything new?”

I take another sip of my latte and check the room again to make sure we’re still alone. “Caleb’s parents want to have my family over for dinner for Caleb’s birthday.”

Jake barks a laugh. “Oh, shit, for real? That sounds like a horrible idea.”

“Right?” I scoff. “That’s what I said.”

“So, what are you going to do?”

It’s my turn to fidget with my mug. “I told Caleb that I would ask my parents, but I haven’t yet. It’s two weeks away, so I have time, but…” I rub the back of my neck. “I don’t know, man. I don’t know what to do.”

Jake presses his lips together thoughtfully. “Yeah, I don’t see that dinner going well.”

“I mean, Dad’s usually really good around strangers,” I continue. “Like he’s generally a friendly guy, so I don’t think he’d instigate anything. But, then again, he kind of went off on Caleb that one time.” I shudder at the memory. “That was pretty out of character for him, so maybe it was just a one-off thing.”

“Maybe,” Jake says. “If he’s anything like my dad, he probably just views Caleb as a child, and he’s an adult, so he’d probably be less antagonistic around other adults.”

“Yeah, that’s true,” I agree. “And he wouldn’t dare talk down to Caleb in front of his parents.”

Jake taps on his thermos. “Probably not.”

“In some ways, I think it might make Dad feel better about letting me go to Caleb’s house more often, having talked to his parents,” I add.

“Or, it could make him feel worse,” Jake counters. “Because Caleb’s parents are probably pretty progressive and chill, considering they have an openly gay son with a boyfriend. And your dad won’t want his son hanging around parents with such ‘loose morals.’”

I wince. That’s exactly how Dad will feel about it. “That’s what I’m afraid of,” I admit, leaning back against the wall. “But I also think it’ll hurt Caleb’s feelings if I don’t at least try.”

“That’s not fair to you,” Jake says, his brows furrowed. “Caleb knows what he got himself into when he started dating you. He should know how this stuff works by now.”

I shake my head. “It’s not that simple.”

“Seems pretty simple to me,” Jake retorts flatly. “But, then again, I’m still mostly in the closet, and I’ve never had a boyfriend at all, so…what do I know, right?”

I want to argue with him, but the tech storeroom door swings open, and Frankie saunters in. He’s a tall, balding man in his mid-to-late fifties with thick-rimmed glasses and a surprising proficiency in AV technology. “Service is about to start, boys,” he grumbles. “All hands on deck.”

“Yes, sir,” Jake and I say in unison.

“And seal up those cups,” Frankie adds gruffly. “No open containers in the booth.”

“All clear, boss,” Jake says as we dutifully show Frankie our securely sealed thermoses.

With a pleased grunt, Frankie leads us back to the tech booth at the rear of the sanctuary, where the first of two services is about to begin.

As I settle in at my stool in front of the audio switchboard, I catch a glimpse of Dad, completely in his element, greeting church members and guests at the door. He’s all smiles, hugs, and handshakes—outgoing and sociable with every person in his path. It’s here where my father has always thrived. Growing up, I remember watching him engage with people and wondering what was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I be as friendly and approachable as my dad was? It wasn’t until fairly recently that I learned I was something called an “introvert” and that being introverted wasn’t a character flaw.

But now, as I watch my father on his home turf, I don’t find myself envying his good-naturedness. Instead, I remember the version of him I saw in the Hammonds’ driveway in January. I recall how he spoke to Caleb and how demeaning and hostile he was. I think back to how he blew off Grace’s earnest attempts to open his mind and how he continues to push back on anything Grace says or does. It really starts to dawn on me just how belligerent he’s become over the past few months. Or maybe he’s always been this way, and I’m only just now seeing it because who I am goes against his sacred beliefs.

Does he only love me because I follow the rules?

Our eyes meet across the sanctuary, and he flashes me the widest grin. I manage to smile back at him, but something deep in my gut churns sickeningly.

“Hey, you good?” Jake whispers next to me.

“Yeah,” I reply, focusing back on the setlist. “All good.”

It’s going to be a long morning.

Sunday, March 17

It isn’t until a week before Caleb’s birthday weekend that I finally summon the courage to ask my parents about the Sunday dinner.

It’s a bit of a special dinner already because the whole family is here tonight—even Grace—so Mom’s in high spirits, and Dad’s on his best behavior. Grace is pretty exhausted from a ten-hour shift at Cathy’s, but the fact that she’s here gives me the extra boost of courage I need.

“Hey, Mom, Dad,” I say after clearing my throat. “Are y’all busy on Sunday night next week?”

Mom perks up at the question while Dad casually glances up from his plate, peering over his reading glasses at me with brows furrowed.

“I’ll check our calendar, but I think we’re free,” Mom says, looking to Dad for confirmation. “Why do you ask?”

Grace and Nate watch silently on with wide eyes.

I take a steadying breath. “So, Caleb’s birthday is on Sunday, and he’s having a birthday party at his house on Saturday night, but on Sunday, he and his family have invited us over for dinner.”

“Us?” Dad echoes.

“Yeah, like, the whole family?” I answer hesitantly. Glancing briefly at my siblings, I continue. “Nate and Grace, y’all are both invited, too, but I told them Grace probably won’t be able to because of school.”

Grace continues staring at me, brows raised in surprise, while Nathaniel simply shrugs before scooping another spoonful of peas into his mouth.

Mom and Dad exchange cryptic glances, and my anxiety prickles against my nerves. Please say no, please say no, please ? —

“That’s so sweet of them to invite us,” Mom says with a smile. “We would love to!”

My heart sinks in my chest, but I conjure a smile. “Great!” I manage to croak. “Cool.”

Grace clears her throat. “I think I’m technically scheduled to work on Sunday, but I should be able to make it to dinner.” She smiles at me. “I wouldn’t want to miss it.”

“Don’t you need to drive up to campus after work?” Dad asks Grace with a raised brow.

“My first Monday class isn’t until eleven,” Grace replies. “I can make time for Caleb.”

Relief washes over me. Having Grace in my corner is exactly what I need.

“Well, it sounds like it’s settled!” Mom says, patting Dad’s forearm excitedly. “Right, honey?”

Dad takes an extra few seconds to chew on his chicken. “Do Caleb’s parents know about…” he gestures vaguely towards me. “You two?”

I have to force myself not to roll my eyes. “Yes, Dad. They know.”

“Michael,” Mom says, a warning tone in her voice.

Dad keeps his eyes on me. “And they don’t have any issue with it?”

“Not everyone shares your delightfully antiquated worldview, Dad,” Grace mumbles before I can answer.

“Grace, don’t start,” Dad snaps, his gaze still fixed on me, waiting for an answer.

“No, they don’t have an issue with us being a couple,” I reply, keeping my voice steady. I’d love to join Grace in her sarcasm at Dad’s expense, but not if I want to stay on Dad’s good side.

“Hm.” Dad takes another bite of chicken, and the table goes quiet. After a moment, he continues. “Do they have a church family?”

“There it is,” Grace mocks.

“All right, that’s enough—” Mom starts.

“I think the better question, Theo,” Grace says, ignoring Mom. “—is, do Caleb’s parents know what they’re getting themselves into by inviting Michael Briggs into their home?”

“I’ve had just about enough of your nasty attitude, Sarah Grace,” Dad snarls.

Grace barks a laugh. “Oh, the feeling is quite mutual, I assure you.”

“I said, that’s enough !” Mom shouts, and the room immediately falls silent. She furiously locks eyes with Dad. “We’re not doing this at the dinner table. Not here, and especially not in front of Caleb’s family.” Her hold on Dad finally releases, and her gaze bounces between him and Grace. “If you two can’t find a way to get along, at least learn to hold your tongues at the dinner table. Do you understand?”

Grace and Dad continue staring daggers into one another until Grace breaks first. “I understand, Mom, but I can’t promise to hold my tongue if Dad says anything shitty next week. You know I can’t.”

“That’s not going to happen,” Mom says, casting another glare at Dad. “Is it, Michael?”

Dad stares at her, his face reddening. “Kora, come on, we shouldn’t play into her?—”

“It’s not going to happen, is it, Michael?” she repeats.

Dad’s eye twitches. “No,” he says through gritted teeth.

“Good. So, we’re all going to be on our best behavior and make sure Caleb has a nice birthday dinner with his family. Right?”

Grace, Nate, and I nod. Dad doesn’t say anything, but his lack of response must be enough for Mom.

“Good.” Mom’s smile returns, and her posture relaxes. “Now, Theo, can you ask them if they’d like us to bring anything? You know I can’t come empty-handed!”

“Sure, I’ll ask.”

“Excellent! I can’t wait!”

Almost immediately after dinner, I find myself lingering by Grace’s closed door, silently debating whether I should knock or just retreat to my own bedroom for the night. Grace is probably packing up to drive to campus for the week, and I don’t want to slow her down. But at the same time, it’s been a while since I talked to her, and I could really use some of her older-sibling wisdom right about now. Especially if?—

“That you, Theo?” Grace calls from the other side of the door.

Oops. “Uh, yeah. Yep.”

The door swings open, revealing a slightly more disheveled Grace. She studies me with a hand on her hip and an amused grin. “Get in here, dummy,” she says after a beat, beckoning me in with a nod.

“Thanks,” I mutter sheepishly, shoving my hands into my pockets and stepping inside.

“How are you holding up, bud?” Grace asks as she closes the door behind me.

“I was just coming to ask you the same question,” I answer, plopping down next to Grace’s overnight bag on her bed.

Grace runs a hand through her multi-colored curls. “Eh, I’m here. For now. But soon I’ll be heading back to campus, where I have five full days of classes, studying, and papers to write. Then, on Friday, I’ll make the drive back up here, where I’ll work a full weekend at Cathy’s and try my best to avoid Dad until Sunday night. And then I’ll rinse and repeat until May when I’ll hopefully start my internship at The Carter Center, and then…” She trails off, her gaze slowly coming back to me. “But hey, that’s the crazy life I signed up for. What’s going on with you, little bro?”

I blink. “Wow. That’s a lot.”

Grace shrugs. “It is, but I like staying busy. I’ll slow down once I start working at a real job in my field.”

“Yeah, I guess that makes sense,” I say, watching her as she zooms about the room, packing various items. “I guess that means you’re too busy to date, then, right?”

Grace hesitates and throws me a wary look. “I thought you were here to talk about your problems.”

“We can talk about yours first.”

She laughs. “Hard pass.”

“Oh, come on,” I press. “You help me with my stuff all the time. I feel like you always know everything going on in my life, but I never know what’s going on in yours.”

Grace narrows her eyes, studying me for several seconds before she relents. “Okay, fine. You remember Chloe?”

I nod. Chloe and Grace have been roommates for nearly two years now. They were randomly assigned as roommates the first time, but they quickly became best friends and stayed together the following year. They’re both pursuing the same major, so they have at least one class in common every semester. As far as I know, Grace and Chloe are inseparable outside of Grace’s weekends spent at home.

“Chloe and I…we sort of tried dating. Back in January.”

My mouth drops open. “Holy shit, Grace! Really?”

“Yep.”

“That’s dope!”

Grace's lips curl into a smile, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “Yeah. Maybe I was inspired by how you’ve been so brave with everything lately, or maybe I was excited to see how happy you’ve been with Caleb, but either way, I figured maybe it was time I put myself out there, too. Try something new.”

“And?”

“And…it didn’t work out.” Grace shrugs. “It was a disaster. We were a disaster. She had just left a pretty serious relationship, and I think I was too eager to have my first girlfriend. I think part of me was trying to prove to myself and the world that I was actually bi, and that’s a horrible reason to be in a relationship with someone. Especially someone as important as her.”

I wince. “I’m so sorry, Grace.”

“It’s okay now,” Grace continues. “It was rough there for a while, but I think we’re going to get through it.”

“Well, that’s good,” I say earnestly. “I hope you do.”

Grace absentmindedly fidgets with a ring on her index finger. “Me too.” A moment later, she straightens and turns her attention back to me. “Okay, now it’s your turn. How are you feeling about Dad interacting with Caleb’s family next week?”

“Ugh,” I groan, burying my face in my hands. “It’s going to be a disaster, isn’t it?”

Grace chuckles. “It’s possible.” She pulls over her computer chair, swiveling it around so that she faces me as she sits. “What’s Caleb’s family like?”

“Oh, they’re great,” I answer. “His parents are super nice. His older sister, Lola, reminds me a lot of you. And his Nana is kind of crazy but in a fun way.”

“Good,” Grace says with a smile. “It sounds like you’ll be surrounded by support then. Dad will be outnumbered.”

I try to return her smile, but it’s hard. “You don’t think he’d actually, like…say something homophobic, do you?”

Grace takes a deep breath. “You know, if you had asked me that two years ago, I would have said something like, ‘Oh, no way! He’s way too concerned about making a good impression and befriending people. He just wants to spread the love of Christ by example. He’d never intentionally say something to make anyone uncomfortable!’ But now…”

“Now it’s different,” I mutter.

“Now it’s different,” she echoes sadly. She shakes her head. “Shit, dude, when you told me how Dad talked to Caleb after that hotel trip y’all went on? Ooh, boy, it’s a real good thing I wasn’t there. You know I would have thrown hands for Caleb.”

I snort. “I know you would have.”

“That still blows my mind,” Grace continues. “I can’t believe Mom stays with him sometimes.”

I bristle at that. The thought of my parents splitting up over this has crossed my mind before, but I don’t like to dwell on it. Grace’s words to Caleb all those weeks ago still haunt me. “I don’t want to be the one who blows up the family.”

“But I feel like I have to ask,” Grace says, her hazel eyes piercing mine. “What if Dad does say something shitty next week? What will you do?”

My gaze drops to the floor. “I don’t know,” I admit.

“Well, let’s talk it through.” Grace clasps her hands together thoughtfully. “When you picture the worst-case scenario, what does it look like?”

I shudder. “Okay, sure. Worst-case scenario: Dad gets into an argument with Caleb’s parents about how their son is a bad influence on me. Or Dad lectures them about how being gay is a sin, and Caleb is going to hell if he doesn’t change his ways. And if I try to step in at any point, Dad will take my phone and Eileen away again.” I can feel the backs of my eyes burning and my throat swelling as my deepest fears pour out, one after another. “As a result of Dad’s outburst, Caleb’s parents won’t want him spending time around me anymore because they don’t want him around that kind of homophobia. Then Caleb—” I choke on a sob but press on. “Caleb ends up agreeing with them and finally decides that I’m not worth all the trouble after all, so we break up. I only see him at school from then on, but now the whole friend group has to choose who to stay friends with, and obviously, they should pick Caleb because?—"

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Grace’s hands wrap firmly around my forearms, halting my spiral. “Holy shit, Theo, honey, that’s so much.”

At this point, I can’t stop the sobs as they tear through me. Grace yanks me into a hug, cradling my head against her shoulder and running gentle fingers through my hair. She holds me tightly against her, grounding me back to reality, and I do my best to regain control of my breathing.

“It’s okay,” Grace whispers over and over. “I’ve got you. You’re safe. It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” I manage to chant through the tears, not even sure she can hear me.

“Shh, don’t be sorry. I’m the one who’s sorry.” Grace pulls back to look at me, tears streaking down her cheeks, too, but I’m too embarrassed to look directly at her. “That was dumb on my part. Of course there’s a lot at stake, and you have every right to be afraid. But, Theo, look at me.”

I warily meet her gaze

“Caleb adores you, Theo. He’s not giving up on you, especially not over this. He knows that none of this hate is coming from you.”

My breath catches in my throat, and more tears blur my vision.

“Not only do you have Caleb in your corner, but you’ve got such a good group of friends that I know are sticking by your side through this. Harrison, Elise…even Oliver and his goofy little ass. All those new kids, too. They’re good people, Theo. They love you so much.”

I sniffle and wipe my face with my sleeve. “Yeah. They’re pretty great,” I blubber.

“And I hope it goes without saying, but you know you’ve got me, too. I’ve got your back. Even if Dad ends up showing his ass and I have to take him out back and wear him out. You know I’d do that for you.”

“I know,” I say with a weak chuckle. “I know you would.”

“You are so loved. Theo. Even if Dad’s love is conditional, ours is not.”

Warmth radiates in my chest at her words, chasing away the lingering pressure that squeezes my lungs.

“Thank you,” I say, wiping my face. “Honestly, you being there next week makes me feel so much better. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.”

“I think I do, bud. And you’re so welcome. Now, my eyeliner is fucked, so I’m going to go wash my face before Mom accuses me of being a raccoon on my way out the door.”

“I love you, Grace,” I say, pulling her in for one more hug.

“Love you too, bud.”

Back in my room, I reach for a vinyl—The Band CAMINO feels right—throw it on the turntable, then collapse onto my bed face-first. My anxiety revolving around Dad has eased, at least enough that I can breathe normally again. Grace is right. Even if the worst should happen, I’ll be okay.

My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I pull it out, swiping to open the message:

Caleb

Thought any more about what kind of PJs you’re going to wear next weekend?

I grin, tapping out my response.

Theo

i’ve got something in mind…

Caleb

*eyes emoji* Do I get a hint?

Theo

don’t want to ruin the surprise

Caleb

Fine. Keep your mysterious booty shorts a secret.

Theo

How’d you know??

Caleb

What?? Seriously??

Theo

Nice try. :P

Caleb

I hate you. (I love you.)

Theo

love you too, babe. 3