Tied Together (The Cade Siblings Duology #1)

5. Alana

CHAPTER 5

Alana

Paris. For a month. In December.

I walk out of the conference room in a daze, totally in my head. I am so busy obsessing over how this trip is going to derail my life that I don’t even realize Alex is talking to me.

“Alana, did you hear me?” he says softly as he dips his head a little so our eyes meet.

“I’m sorry, I was in my own world there for a minute,” I reply, snapping my gaze to meet his. His beautiful green eyes hold my attention.

“Don’t apologize,” he says gently. “A pretty big bomb was just dropped, so it makes sense that you would be lost in your thoughts.”

I know it sounds dramatic. I should be over the moon right now. With this opportunity, the promotion I have been dreaming of is likely just around the corner. I know the only correct answer is yes. Plus, my job is paying for an extended trip to one of the most desired vacation spots in the world. You can’t get much better than Paris, France.

Despite all of that, the list of reasons why this is going to be a huge problem starts to form in my head involuntarily.

1. I am a planner. I need to have everything in order. From what I’m having for my meals that day to my hair washing schedule for the week. The unknowns in this situation are extremely overwhelming.

2. I have severe flying anxiety, so eight-ish hours in a tiny flying machine sounds like my own personal hell.

3. Christmas is one of my favorite times of the year. Charlie and I have an extensive list of traditions we complete each year and we always spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day together. The thought of missing that makes me want to cry.

4. A year ago, I recognized how awful my boyfriend was to me and ended a three year relationship, then swore off men for the foreseeable future. I really don’t need the “ City of Love” to remind me left and right how single I am.

So, even though this trip could be really exciting, my brain won’t allow me to get there yet. Not until I’m done over thinking every possible thing that could and will happen between now and December 31.

I glance back up at Alex, who is patiently waiting for me to reply to whatever question he asked. He has this steady patience about him that feels like no matter how long I take, he will wait to hear what I have to say. It’s that important to him.

His quiet stare is making me want to be honest about where I’m at, even though I’ve literally never once gotten deep with him about the inner workings of my brain.

“To be honest, I’m kind of freaking out,” I say as I look down to avoid his intense stare.

Work gets tough, so naturally Alex has seen me frazzled before, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt this out of control around him. It’s been a while since I’ve felt like this in general.

He says nothing, so I chance a brief look up at him through my lashes. He’s looking at me, waiting, and it feels like he is staring into my soul. I feel stripped bare, like he can see every single thought that’s in my head.

“I’m...sort of a control freak?” I say it like it’s a question. He probably already knows this about me, having worked with me for a year, but I still feel the need to explain. “And I’m feeling extremely out-of-control right now,” I whisper as I glance around. My breathing picks up and I feel my heart beginning to race. Ugh . I haven’t had a panic attack in probably six months and this, of all things, is what’s going to bring another one on?

“I just need some air,” I say quietly enough that only Alex can hear me. I know my voice has grown shaky, as evidenced by the look on his face when he hears it.

“Hey, hey, Lan. It’s alright. Here, let’s go.” He takes my hand in his and pulls me down the hallway, away from the main office area where everyone else is working. He takes me into the break room that’s small enough to feel secure, but not too small that it feels closed in.

He closes the door behind him, leaves the light off and flips the lock, turning to face me. All that lights up the room is the glow of the television in the corner, where Rory and Lorelai Gilmore are drinking coffee at Luke’s Diner on mute.

“Here, sit down.” He guides me to sit on the couch, then places a hand on my upper back and applies gentle pressure, guiding my head down between my knees in order to help regulate my breathing. I am working so hard to get control of it, one breath at a time, that I barely notice the small circles he’s rubbing on my back.

“Breathe in for four counts.” I glance up at him with confusion as I pant and try to slow my breathing, but it isn’t working.

“Come on, trust me. I’ll count, you breathe.”

I take a breath slowly as he counts 1-2-3-4.

“That’s my girl, now hold it for seven seconds.” He counts again for me. “Now slowly let it out for eight seconds. Okay, good. Let’s do it again, breathe in.”

We go on like this for a few rounds, his hand never moving from my back, and after a while I notice my breathing is under control, my heart calm.

“No, don’t stop,” I practically whine when he pulls his hand away.

“I’m right here, Lanie. I’m not going anywhere. I’m just grabbing you some water,” he whispers. “Hang in there for a second.”

Alex stands quickly and takes a water bottle out of the fridge. He brings it back to me, twisting off the cap and lifting it to my lips.

“Good girl,” he says as I take a small sip.

I look up, barely registering his words, as his gaze sweeps up and down my body checking for signs of distress.

After who knows how long, I start to feel a bit more like my rational self. Heavy exhaustion takes over my body and I yawn. I almost always crash after a panic attack. It really takes it out of you. I lay down on my side, place my head on the armrest, and close my eyes, breathing deep.

“Thank you. You didn’t have to do that,” I say, eyes still closed. Alex grunts in acknowledgement, muttering something to himself that’s too quiet for me to hear. I try not to be embarrassed by the fact that he just witnessed me having a panic attack, but I’m not very successful.

At some point Alex moves to sit next to me and pulls my feet into his lap. His soothing circles have moved to my calf and I feel goosebumps pop up all over my skin. I’m wearing pants today, thankfully, so he can’t see them.

As I lay here, my mind snags on something he said mid-attack. Something he called me.

“What did you call me?” I ask him, turning my head so my eyes meet his.

“What do you mean?” he furrows his brow in confusion, cocking his head to the side.

“Did you call me Lanie?”

He hesitates and looks unsure of himself. “Is that okay?”

Was that okay? I mean, obviously it isn’t a big deal. It’s just no one has ever called me that before.

I hate it when people use my full name, it makes me feel like I’m being scolded by my father, but I’ve gotten used to it when it comes to professional settings. Alex calls me by nicknames often, Lan or Lana like everyone else, but he hasn’t ever used the name Lanie. For some reason, it feels more intimate. Maybe because no one else has ever used it, but I love that it’s exclusive to him.

I smile up at him. “Yeah, Ashford. That’s okay.”

He smiles back at me, a barely there blush creeping up on the apples of his cheeks.

It is at this moment that the mistrusting voice in my head reminds me of why we’ve sworn off all men.

“It isn’t smart to start to depend on him,” she whispers to me. “One day he’ll leave and you’ll be left to pick up the pieces.”

For the last year I’ve let my inner voice protect me from heartbreak like I experienced with Brad, because here’s the thing…men are honestly the worst. They either decide I’m not enough and treat me like it, or they leave. Eventually everyone leaves.

Alex is likely no different than Brad or any of the other men before him. I’d do well to remember that. Even if he was the exception to the rule, Alex doesn’t have feelings for me. He’s just been a good friend, and that’s it.

“You feeling stable enough to go back out there, or do you want to stay here for a bit longer?” he asks as his thumb continues its ministrations on my leg.

Taking another deep breath, I pull myself to sitting and push up onto my feet. I wobble slightly, still affected by the panic attack, and Alex steadies me with his hand softly under my elbow.

“Can we, like, not talk about this out there? I really don’t want the stares and questions.”

He nods as we walk through the break room door and leads the way back into the main office area.

Even though it felt like time had paused, the office is moving along with business as usual. The buzz of conversation is like a comforting white noise that brings me even closer back to earth.

I return to my desk and sit in my chair. Cami wheels backwards, away from her desk, so she can look over at me.

“You okay, Lan?” she whispers. “What was that meeting about?”

“I’m okay, I guess,” I reply with a shrug. “But your presence is needed at happy hour tonight. The conversation about the meeting is going to need to happen alongside a margarita and guacamole.”

“Oh, well, if you insist. Should I call Charlie and ask him to meet us there?”

Charlie has been the third person in our trio ever since his friends did something in high school that caused him to pull away from them. He hasn’t ever told anyone what happened, but one day he stopped hanging out with them and his entire personality shifted. What was once the charming and charismatic hockey prodigy became an isolated and secretive young man. His love for me never wavered, he was always adamant about that, but his entire personality changed and that was a hard pill to swallow. Now, he’s extremely closed off and keeps to himself, the fact that he even let Cami in was surprising to me, but I’m thankful he did because he needs someone besides just me.

Now, the three of us do pretty much everything together, and he and I are very close. He played in a major junior hockey league back in Florida and went to NYU once he graduated. Cami and I obviously followed him there and he was drafted into the NHL when he was a senior. We both were pursuing journalism, so his draft to the New York Rangers worked out perfectly for all of us.

I give her a quick nod and she wheels back to her area, leaving me alone in my space to process the last two hours of my life.

My ex-boyfriend is contacting me again.

I am going to be living in Paris for a month.

I only have three weeks to get ready for this trip, and I have to reorganize all of my December plans.

I won’t be here in the city with Charlie for Christmas.

And, probably the most unnerving of them all, I just had the most embarrassing moment with my new roommate.

I started having panic attacks after I left Brad. They used to be extremely frequent, but since I started seeing Dr. Rodriguez, they’ve gotten a lot better. Even though leaving Brad was the best thing for me, the unknowns and constant changes were a shock to the nervous system. Any time I have intense feelings of being out of control, there’s a possibility of one. That seems to be the trigger.

Dr. Rodriguez has taught me how to spot one coming and has given me tools to help ease them or at least make them a bit more bearable.

This one, though, I didn’t see coming at all. Probably because it came on so quickly.

I have been really private about my panic attacks and haven’t shared them with anyone. I don’t like being seen as weak, especially not at work. I don’t let the cracks show. It hasn’t been easy to keep them from Charlie and Cami, but using the strategies from my therapist has helped a lot. It’s not that I don’t trust them to know, but I don’t want them to be worried about my problems. It isn’t theirs to worry about.

It’s been a while since I’ve had one like I did today, which is frustrating, but even more so because Alex and I aren’t close enough to be on trauma sharing level. I don’t open up to people easily, so I never planned to get that vulnerable with him, but I don’t have a choice now.

I have a suspicion we aren’t done with the conversation surrounding my stress regarding our Paris trip, but I’ll handle that another day. Right now, I need some tequila and my besties.