Tied Together (The Cade Siblings Duology #1)

14. Alana

CHAPTER 14

Alana

“Coming,” Charlie yells as he walks to my front door to let Cami in.

I leave tomorrow morning for Paris, and I haven’t packed a single thing. Even though I’m excited for the trip, I’m also terrified, which has led to ultimate levels of procrastination.

When I told Cami I still needed to pack, she did what she always does and vowed to make it fun. She declared tonight was a packing party and called Charlie to invite him. She told me he was excited to hang, but I overheard the conversation and it sounded a lot more like force.

Not that it takes much to convince him to hang out with us, he just always pretends like he doesn’t want to. We know the truth, though.

The more I think about leaving Cami and Charlie, the more nervous I get. They are my safe place, and while I’ve grown increasingly more comfortable around Alex in the last few weeks, nothing amounts to the level of comfort I have with my two best friends.

The three of us haven’t really discussed the fact that I’m leaving and I’m perfectly okay with that, but the closer we get to tomorrow morning, the more real it’s becoming.

Last night I was feeling particularly panicky, so in an effort to help me sink further into denial, I wrote out the list of traditions that Alex requested. I didn’t allow myself to think about the reasoning behind the list. I pretended I was doing it for the sake of nostalgia and put pen to paper as I stared out the window at the falling snow and sipping hot chocolate.

Growing up, we always had a good time around the holidays. It seemed like the only time my mom and dad put aside their clear favoritism for one child over the other and actually brought us all together to celebrate. I’m not sure why that is, maybe it was just to keep up appearances, but as a little girl starved for attention I didn’t question it. My mom created lots of small moments of magic throughout the November and December months through these traditions, but now the only way to keep them alive is with Charlie.

We started taking over the traditions list when we were in college. Our parents became empty nesters and they took full advantage of that. Whereas before we would spend holidays and the weeks surrounding them together, now it was just Charlie and I alone in our childhood home. Our parents always wanted to travel the world and with us gone, they made those dreams a reality.

My parents were distant from me in every way, except for during the holidays, so it felt like the last strand that held us together snapped when they stopped spending the holidays with us. We used to speak on the phone every few months and they’d acknowledge my existence at least, but once we went to college it was out of sight out of mind.

Even with Charlie, they stopped calling as much. They never visited and the more I let myself care about it the more it hurt. Eventually, we decided we were going to make our own Christmas magic and thus the list of traditions was born. Some of them were ones we carried through from when we were kids, and some were brand new.

I left it on Alex’s desk at the end of the day today. I’m not sure what his intentions are with it. He played it off like he just wanted to know about my traditions, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t suspicious.

“Hello, Charles,” I hear Cami say from around the corner.

“Cassandra,” he replies curtly.

Cami comes barreling into my room with a huge smile on her face, Charlie following closely behind.

“Alright, what do we have here?” Cami asks as she starts wading through the pile of clothes I’ve thrown onto my bed.

“I honestly have no clue what to bring. It’s going to be cold, so I threw in some coats and sweaters.”

“Ugh, I love this one,” Cami says as she hugs an oversized red, black and green Gucci cardigan to her chest. It was gifted to me from one of last year’s shoots and I’m always too terrified to wear it, but this might be a good occasion.

I take the cardigan from her and start going through the rest of my items, but get distracted when my phone lights up with a text message.

Alex

Winter or summer?

He started doing this about a week ago. He said if we were going to be living together, we needed to know more about each other, so he started asking me random questions. I know a lot about Alex because we’re friends and we’ve worked together for a year, but I’ve been surprised by the amount of things I didn’t know.

Despite my fears of growing closer to Alex, it feels nice having someone take the time to get to know me. To know my ins and outs, but also the simple things like what season I might like.

I never know the time of day that the message will come, but he hasn’t missed a day since he started. I find myself looking forward to them and sometimes hovering around my phone waiting for the specific chime that I’ve set up for his contact.

I type back a reply, hit send and toss my phone to the bed.

Me

Winter. Always.

I can feel the heat rise to my cheeks and the smile spread across my face without my permission.

“What are you smiling at?” Charlie asks, glancing from the phone and back to me, a frown on his face.

“Nothing, I’m not smiling,” I say, and walk out of the room to avoid his questions.

“Yeah, right,” I hear Charlie whisper under his breath. A minute later I hear a thud and peek my head back in to find him on the floor. He curses under his breath and I giggle to myself because I know Cami likely put him in his place for trying to snoop.

I grab my cosmetic bag and begin filling it with countless serums, toners, face washes and moisturizers. Next, I add my makeup and make my way back to my bedroom. I decide to keep my face clean for the flight, considering I will be sleeping for most of it and don’t want a full face of makeup on.

I continue packing my two huge suitcases, throwing in as much fashionable workwear as I can find. As I’m folding things up and placing it in my suitcase, Cami hands me a red Valentino mini dress that I haven’t worn since it appeared on my desk one day after a particularly long work month. Sometimes Heather gifts us items from the fashion department and I always take full advantage.

It’s a simple dress, but at the shoulders there are two small red bows that connect a kind of cape that covers my arms and hangs down the back. It’s so beautiful, but it isn’t office appropriate at all. It’s way too dressy. I tell Cami as much, but she scoffs at me.

“You never know…maybe Ashford will take you out and you’ll need a sexy red number,” she says with a wink.

“Yeah, right. Never going to happen.”

“Still, you need to bring this with you. If not for a date, then for drinks or a work event. You never know.”

She makes a good point, so I add it to the things I’m bringing. I pack a garment bag with all of the hanging items that would be wrong to fold, including the Valentino, and decide to carry it onto the plane.

The beginning notes of “Best Day” by Taylor Swift hit my ears and I reach for my phone. I press next just as she begins to sing about a time when she was young and her mom helped her put her coat on. My mommy issues mixed with the high emotions of today will not survive that song.

As I’m setting my phone back down, I notice a text.

Alex

Reasoning?

Me

I can layer on as many articles of clothing as I want to get warm. I can only take off so much. Also, the snow is pretty.

After I press send, I automatically regret my choice of words.

‘I can only take off so much’ ? Seriously Alana? Might as well have said, ‘Are you free tonight ;)?’

I’m about to double text to assuage my anxiety and embarrassment, but he responds before I get to.

Alex

Makes complete sense. Are you currently trying to pack your entire wardrobe into two suitcases, or is that just me? I am a chronic overpacker.

I giggle and take a deep breath, thankful he didn’t read too far into my response.

Me

Not so fast, you didn’t answer the question. Favorite season?

Me

And yes, I am doing exactly that.

Alex

Thrilled you’d want to know my answer as well. I would say autumn. I love the weather and the leaves and the smell of the air. Well air that isn’t in the city.

I react to his message with a heart and tune back into the conversation Charlie and Cami are having. They’re talking about seeing The Nutcracker ballet and a twinge of sadness hits as I realize I won’t be going with them this year. I must be visibly closing in on myself because they both notice that I’ve gone quiet.

Someone who didn’t know Charlie fully might say these traditions were completely out of character for him, and they wouldn’t necessarily be wrong, but they were about something other than just the event to him. Back before he turned into stormy Charlie, the way I refer to him when discussing his high school transformation with Cami, he was all about the holiday stuff. This is one of the only ways he shows that old version of himself to me.

“Hey, Sis, don’t be sad. The ballet is boring anyways. Plus we can FaceTime you so you can watch it with us. I don’t care about the no phone rules,” he says as he gets up and envelopes me in the biggest bear hug.

“Don’t let Mrs. Lewis hear you say that,” Cami replies, referencing our theater loving neighbor down the hall. “Let’s finish up here and then I’m commissioning an emergency feel good movie. Which one are you thinking we should watch tonight?”

My three favorite comfort films are, in no particular order: 13 Going on 30, The Devil Wears Prada, and Father of the Bride . Tonight I am thinking I need a little Mark Ruffalo in my life.

“Let’s watch 13 Going on 30 .”

“You got it.”

Before I can zip up my suitcase, I notice Cami slip in a handful of black fabric.

“What is that?” I ask, picking it up and holding out…a black bikini? “Cami, why in the world would I need this? What is this even covering? There’s barely any fabric here.”

“Exactly. You need a saucy little number if you and Alex get cozy and you want to close the deal. It’s sexy.”

I can’t deny the bathing suit is sexy, but just thinking about putting it on makes me want to throw up. I haven’t shown that much skin in…I don’t think ever. Despite my knowledge that my ex is scum of the earth, his words still sit in the back of my mind. This bikini is a painful reminder of the thoughts that swirl when I consider showing off more of my body than normal.

“I don’t need this. Paris is freezing and he doesn’t need to see this much skin. We aren’t like that.”

“Okay first of all, there are indoor hot tubs,” she says, ticking off on her fingers, “and second, you know you want him deep down. You’ll be glad you have it with you if you decide you want to make a move. Come on, just take it.”

I roll my eyes and let her put it back in my bag, knowing I won’t be utilizing it. It’s easier not to fight it.

We zip up my suitcases, weigh them to be sure they aren’t over the limit and pile together on the couch, me in the middle and Charlie and Cami on either side of me. We cuddle and watch the movie, laughing at all of our favorite parts and singing along to the soundtrack.

When the movie is over we throw blankets onto the floor in front of the TV and fall asleep to The Father of the Bride . I feel content and safe and, for one night, the scary changes that are about to take place in my life don’t exist. Within these walls and with these people I am so happy.

The sun rises, morning comes, and they each hug me before they leave to go to work. I make it through the entire goodbye without crying, but I feel the first tear slip down my cheek just as I shut the door and stand in my empty apartment.

I turn my back to the door, lean against it, and slide down. The hot tears begin to fall in streams down my face and I use the back of my hand to wipe at them. As I work to calm myself down, Cami’s name lights up my phone screen. I look at it and let out a small laugh.

Bestie Friend

You are allowed to be sad for 10 minutes. I’ll text you when they’re up.

I thumbs up her message and allow myself to feel my emotions, knowing they will pass. I feel my way through the fear, the uncertainty, the sadness. Then, exactly ten minutes later, my phone dings.

Bestie Friend

Alright, no more crying. Time to fly to freaking Paris! I am so excited for you.

Me

Thanks. I love you.

Bestie Friend

I love you too, bestie friend.

I take a deep breath, get up off the floor and head to the bathroom to shower. This is going to be a good day.