Timeless

CHAPTER 7

1935

S he hadn’t stopped crying all night, and John David hadn’t asked why. He had appeared concerned, worried even, but as he’d readied himself for bed, he’d remained silent. She’d remained in her dressing gown, having changed into it without her new husband in the room.

“Are you decent?” he’d called from the hallway.

“Yes,” she’d replied through sniffles.

He’d opened the door and closed it behind him almost as quickly as she’d seen Harriet close Deb’s bedroom door earlier that day. Fresh tears had coated her cheeks at that thought. John David had cleared his throat and walked over to the wash basin on its stand by the window. She’d watched in silence as he’d pulled down his suspenders, having changed out of his suit jacket and tie at the party celebrating their union. She’d done her best to prepare herself for what was to come. Expecting him to continue to disrobe and ask her to do the same, she’d moved to sit on the end of the bed, preparing to do her duty as his wife, even though it was the last thing on earth that she wanted to do. She’d tried to talk herself into it, silently suggesting that she picture Harriet on top of her instead, but that felt wrong somehow, too.

“Here,” he’d said. “It’s clean.”

He’d walked over to her at some point, but Deb hadn’t even noticed that her eyes had closed. In his outstretched hand, he’d held out his handkerchief, so she’d taken it and gave him a soft smile before she’d wiped her cheeks. Then, John David had moved back to the wash basin. He was still standing there, splashing water over his face, and it felt like he’d splashed all of the water in the basin before he finally reached for the towel and wiped his face clean.

“I feel it, too, you know,” he said .

Deb looked up from where she’d been staring down at the handkerchief in her trembling hands. His voice sounded foreign and unwelcome in the space, even though this was his bedroom, and she was the intruder.

“I don’t…” she began but didn’t know what else to say after that, so she let it fade out.

“You don’t love me, Deborah. We might as well get that out of the way.” He turned to face her but didn’t move away from the basin by the window.

“John David, I–”

“No, it’s all right. I understand because I don’t love you, either.”

She didn’t say anything, but she met his kind eyes.

“You know that, don’t you?”

“Yes,” she replied.

“I mean, I like you. You’re a good person, a good woman, and I’m proud to have you as my wife. You’re a catch in this town, Deborah. I know I’m not much to look at or–”

“What? No, John David, it’s not–”

“Can we talk in here like we’re husband and wife?” he interrupted her. “I mean, really talk and keep it between ourselves? I don’t want anyone knowing what we’re talking about, Deborah. A man and his wife should be able to speak to each other without worrying about the whole town finding things out.”

She had no idea where he was going with this, but she nodded and said, “Yes, we can do that.”

She sniffled and wiped her nose. John David walked over to her then, and she worried that it was about to begin. She worried that maybe this was when he’d tell her what he wanted to happen in their bedroom and that maybe it wouldn’t be something her mother had prepared her for.

“What I mean is that I will keep your secrets,” he said before he sat down next to her on the bed. “If you keep mine.”

She swallowed.

“No, nothin’ like that, Deborah,” he added.

She wondered what he meant and looked over at him in confusion. He must have seen the worried look on her face that she couldn’t conceal.

“You like Deb, right? I know your mother doesn’t want you called that, but you like it, don’t you?”

“Yes,” she replied. “Debbie is okay, too,” she added, thinking about how Harriet was really the only person she wanted to be calling her Deb. “I prefer Debbie,” she lied.

“Debbie it is, then, because now you’re my wife, you’re a woman, and you and I can decide what to call you. Or, I can at least tell your mama that I call you Debbie, and she has to be okay with that because I’m your husband, right?”

She nodded.

“You’re scared right now, Debbie, but you don’t have to be.” John David reached for her hand and placed his much larger, calloused one on top of hers, seemingly not asking for anything else. “I don’t love you how a husband is supposed to love a wife because I can’t, Debbie. I can’t love you like a husband should love a wife, like you can’t love me like a wife is supposed to love her husband.”

Deb had no idea what he meant by that. She didn’t say anything, but both of her hands, now under just one of his, were trembling even more.

“Do you know what I’m sayin’?”

“No,” she admitted.

“Debbie, I see you with Harriet sometimes.”

Her eyes widened, moving to meet his own as her heart raced inside her chest, and for the first time, it wasn’t because it was her wedding night.

“I know you care about her in the way you should care about me.”

“I do not,” she lied. “She’s my best friend.”

“I know that, too. But, Debbie, it’s all right. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. Maybe I should have told you before we were married, but I had to be careful; you understand. Now that we’re married, things are different. My pa will give me the farm. He and Mama will move to the other house on the property, and you and I will have this one. We’ll move into their room. We’ll be married to everyone outside this house, but inside this house, we don’t have to be. We can just be two good friends who understand each other.”

“I don’t understand, John David.”

“Debbie, I’m saying that I’m like you and Harriet.” He removed his hand and stood up.

He unattached his suspenders and set them on the chair by the wash basin. Then, he began untucking his shirt. This was it; this was when he’d get naked, and she’d have to lie back.

“I don’t like women,” he said after a long moment after he’d pulled his shirt apart and set it on the chair, too. “Lord, I hate havin’ to dress up.” He gave a deep laugh. “I prefer my overalls.”

“You don’t like–”

“Women, no. I’m what our parents and the preacher would call a deviant.”

“You…”

“I tried to fight it, Debbie. I promise you, I did. But I can’t. I tried to pray. I went to the preacher and confessed my sins. Well, I lied to him about the specific sin because I can’t tell him what I did or who I am, but I tried to ask God to make me better. When my pa told me that you and I would get hitched, I was glad about that because I could see something of me in you. You like Harriet how I like someone. If you promise to keep my secret like I’ll keep yours, I’ll even tell you who he is.” John David smiled then, and it was the first time she’d seen him happy all day. “He’s the best man in the world, and I love him how I should love you.”

“You love another man?”

“I do. And I’m hoping that you and I can come to some type of an arrangement because I can’t have the town knowing about the two of us, and I can’t stop being with him, either, Debbie. So, I thought we could work that out tonight instead of…” He pointed to the bed.

“You don’t want to do that?”

“No.” He laughed. “Not with you. But that’s because I don’t want any woman like that. I’ve never been with one. ”

“But you’ve been with a man?”

“A few, yes,” he admitted. “Can we agree on the secret, Debbie?”

“Yes,” she replied quickly, feeling immediately better about just about everything in her life.

“I’ve been with two men before I fell in love. They were more about me finding things out. Now, though, I know, and I love him.”

“Who is it?” she asked.

John David pulled off his undershirt, revealing a toned physique from hours and hours of manual labor on the farm, and blushing, he said, “It’s Jacob Lansing.”

“Jacob?!?” Deb covered her mouth after hearing how loudly she’d just said that.

“Mama and Pa are down the hall.” He laughed again. “Now, I’m going to take off my pants because we’re going to sleep, but that’s the only reason, all right? If I go out there, they’re going to wonder why I’m not just changing in front of you on our wedding night.”

“All right,” she replied softly.

“And yes, Jacob,” John David said as he unbuttoned his pants. “We’ve been together for over a year now.”

“He’s supposed to marry someone soon, isn’t he?”

“Yeah, he is. He’s also not as lucky as I am to have you being like you are and wanting another woman. He’ll have to pretend with her.”

“I’m sorry, John David.”

“So am I. But we’ll figure things out how we can.”

Deb turned away when he stood there in his underwear and waited for him to put on his dressing gown.

“I’m decent,” he said.

She turned back to see that he was.

“I was thinking that once my parents are gone from here, we might consider us being in different bedrooms,” he added. “It’s not that uncommon, and we can pretend like we don’t, but at night, we just sleep in our own rooms.”

“I’d like that,” she confessed .

“And if you want Harriet to come over sometimes, that would be all right with me. Jacob will start working on the farm to give us a reason to spend time together. I’ve already hired him, and Pa is fine with that because he has no idea about me and Jacob.” John David moved to the head of the bed and pulled back the solid white, handmade blanket. “I was thinking that we could work out some kind of way for them to sleep over sometimes without them or us getting caught. I know it couldn’t be all the time, but all this sneakin’ around can wear and tear, and I think having some private time in the house will help.”

“That would be…” Deb faded at the thought of being able to fall asleep and wake up next to the woman she loved.

Her emotions had gone from complete sadness for the past several weeks, to terror at the thought of having to be with John David tonight, to joy at the thought that they’d never have to do that and that she could be with Harriet.

“Do you want to get into bed?” he asked. “Tomorrow, I think we might need to…” He pointed to the sheets on what would be her side of the bed for at least the foreseeable future. “Put some… Well, Pa told me that when ladies do that for the first time, they sometimes bleed a little. We might want to put somethin’ there in the morning. Ma will want to wash the sheets for us and show you how she does it because she wants to make sure you’ll take care of me and the house as good as she does.”

“Oh, all right,” she said.

“I’ll cut myself on the arm or something,” John David volunteered before he slipped into bed. “And… Uh… Well, sometimes, in the morning, you know, men, we get…” He looked down at his own body. “We can’t help it. I don’t know if you know that; if your mama told you that or not.”

“Oh,” she said.

“But it’s just what happens sometimes.”

“Okay.” She moved from her spot sitting on the bed to around to her side of it and climbed in. “That’s all right.”

“We have to talk about something else, though, Debbie. I don’t like havin’ to do it any more than you will, but… They’ll expect children, and it’s my job to make sure this farm carries on.”

She’d forgotten about that part… All the good news she’d just received about not having to sleep with John David and actually being able to fall asleep next to Harriet washed away in that moment.

“We can make it fast when we do that. Since neither of us wants it, we can make it as easy on both of us as possible. If I had brothers or sisters who were having kids already, I wouldn’t even worry about it because the farm would go to them, but it’s just me here, Debbie. I can’t let my family down. And you can’t let yours down, either.”

“Right,” she said, thinking about that moment.

“But we can lie to people for now. We can wait until my family is out of the house, and we can do it just once to see.”

“Okay,” she agreed reluctantly.

She could tell by his tone that he also did not want to do what they were talking about.

“I promise you that I’ll be a good pa to our babies. And if we have a boy, we don’t have to have another one, all right? I’ll help you with them. I have the farm to take care of, but I won’t be like my pa was with me or yours was, probably, with you. Harriet can be like another ma for him, if you want, and Jacob can be like another pa until…”

Deb turned her head and noticed that, for the first time that day, John David had tears in his eyes.

“Until he has to get married?” she asked.

He nodded.

“We can figure this out, John David.” She reached for his hand under the blanket and joined hers with his, giving it a squeeze and continuing to hold on.

“He’ll have to give her children, too,” John David said as a tear moved down his cheek. “And because she’s not like you, he’ll have to do things with her more regularly, or she might start to talk to her friends about why he doesn’t want it more often. We can’t–” He stopped .

“You’ll just have to remember that he loves you and that he’s doing that for the same reasons you and I will have to. We can’t let anyone find out who we love, John David.”

He turned his head to her and asked, “So, you do love her? I was right?”

Deb nodded and said, “Yes. I love her very much.”

“How long have you two been together? I wasn’t ever able to figure that out. And don’t you worry – no one else knows. I haven’t even told Jacob, which was why he wasn’t at our wedding today: he thinks I have to be with you tonight. But I didn’t want to tell him what I thought before I had a chance to talk to you. I’ll talk to him tomorrow, and he’ll be very happy.” John David laughed a little.

“We’ve been together forever,” she shared. “Since we were twelve.”

“Twelve?” he asked. “Well, all right there, Debbie. I thought maybe you two got sweet on each other not that long ago or something. I saw y’all with those bracelets.”

“I’ve always loved her.”

“So, today, when you whispered that ‘I love you’ and I said it back because I thought I had to, it was really for her, right?”

She nodded with a soft smile.

“Okay. Well, we should get some sleep. It’s been a long day, and I have to be up early, as usual, but I’ll wait for my ma to come in here and take care of the sheets so she’ll think we did our duty.”

“Before we have to do that for real, can we make sure to talk about it, John David? I… want to make sure that Harriet knows when it’s about to happen so she and I can talk about it, too.”

He nodded and said, “Yeah, we can.”

Then, John David closed his eyes, let go of her hand, rolled away from her, and soon, she heard the even breathing of someone in her bed who wasn’t Harriet for the first time in her life.