Twisted Deceit (Deceit #3)

Chapter 12

“Hello Koda.” Dr. Shaw greeted me as I entered the room.

I took a seat in the same chair as last time, keeping my feet on the floor this time. My arms were wrapped around my torso, trying to hide my shaking hands.

I wasn’t sure why I was nervous. It wasn’t like I’d have to do anything but sit here and listen, most likely. I’d get to keep my clothes on, and no harm would happen to me. Dawn wouldn’t have hinted about me coming back here for the past three days if that had been the case.

If it were all left up to me, I’d have stayed at the house and forgot about the entire outside world.

But I wanted to stay with Dawn. I wanted to prove that I was trying, even though I didn’t feel like I was. The past few days hadn’t been as easy sailing as the days before that. I felt like my world was caving in.

Ever since I left the note, my sleep hadn’t been a friend. I woke up every hour, if not more. I’d jerk awake from dreams of Dawn kicking me out. The reasons ranged from me not talking, to me making a mess in the kitchen, or not doing my part.

After a few days, it was getting on my nerves. I wish Dawn would just say something about the note. Anything at all, really.

Of course, I hadn’t given her much of a chance to do so.

I stayed in my room until near lunchtime, and by then, Dawn was at work or in her office. When she was home and we happened to be in the same room for longer than a few minutes, she’d hint about coming here again as I dashed outside or back up to my room.

Even though she knew I wasn’t being myself. I didn’t run with my tail between my legs. I’d stand there, and cry instead.

“How has your week been?” I shrugged in answer. “I’m glad you agreed to come back. Even though you don’t think it will help.”

I turned my face away, hating how she could read me way too well. Sure, it may be her job, but it didn’t mean I had to like it.

“I spoke to Dawn on the phone when she made your appointment,” Dr. Shaw went on. “She said you had a good birthday last week. Did you enjoy the stuff she got you?”

I nodded once. I was figuring out how to use the streaming apps to watch things. There were way too many shows and movies to watch, and most of them didn’t hold my attention all that well. Mostly, I found interest in documentaries about history. And the trivia games.

“That’s good. She was worried about it being too much. She also mentioned that your social worker stopped by and visited with you. I hope that all went well, too.”

I breathed in deep.

“Alright,” Dr. Shaw stood and walked to the shelf behind her. It took maybe a full minute before she was back in front of me, laying a notebook on the top of my legs, along with a pen. “Tell me what’s wrong. Let’s see if I can help sort some of those thoughts out.”

I glared at the green cover of the spiral notebook. But only for a moment. The heat left my gaze as quickly as the anger dissolved. Left with nothing but tiredness, I flipped the page open and picked up the pen.

Tired. Can’t sleep.

“I can tell. You look more tired today than last time. Nightmares?”

No. Left note for Dawn.

“What did you tell her?”

I shrugged. I wasn’t going to write that down again.I wanted to keep that to myself. Even though those words still burned in my memory as clear as day.

Thank you for taking a chance on me.

“Koda?” Dr. Shaw shifted and at the tone of her voice, I had to lift my eyes. “Are you wanting to hurt yourself?”

Others do. No.

I didn’t need to. The hurt in my soul was more than enough.

“But you have in the past?”

Others have. Knowing she’d want more than that, I wrote a few more words. My writing was sloppy, and not sure she could even read it. My hand shook too much, and my eyes blurred.

So many hurt. Pain. No food. Forced. Dawn makes me want to try to be. I want to stay.

“That’s a lot to unpack,” Dr. Shaw kept her voice calm. “Dawn very much wants you to stay. I think she’s afraid to say something that will scare you away. She’s one of those types of people who should have kids of her own. She loves with all her heart.”

She paused long enough to hand me a box of tissues to wipe my face, although I highly doubted it’d do any good.

I was a mess, inside and out.

“She’s not going to kick you out. Dawn will fight to the end of the earth to keep you in her house as long as you want to stay with her. Now, let me see if I got this right.” She took a seat again, sitting on the edge of her chair. “You’ve been hurt by people, which I knew from the first time we met. They caused you pain and lasting scars. Once again, not surprised with what I know. That’s why I’m here. To help you sort out your thoughts, settle the anxiety that comes with healing.”

I sniffed, trying and failing to stop the tears. I slumped against the back of the chair, too tired to try to keep sitting properly.

“Being emotional can be a form of healing.”

Always cry. Won’t stop. Hate it.

“Some people are like that. Tears won’t hurt anyone, and here of all places is a safe spot for that. You can cry all you want. I have tons of boxes of tissues in here for that reason.”

I rolled my eyes at her lame joke at trying to lighten the mood.

“See. That got something more than tears. But I mean it. You are free. Free to cry. Free to hate the world. Free to sleep.”

Could sleep till note.

“Makes sense. Maybe you should use that notebook and write to Dawn. Let her know. She can’t help you unless you speak up about it. Same with me. That’s what we both want.”

Free?

What did that even mean?

No clients?

“What did you do for clients?”

Served. Blowjobs. Sex.

“I won’t ask how often. But you know you won’t ever have to do that again. Those people who wanted that from you should all be in jail. Preferably with their balls cut off, but that’s just my opinion. You are free, Koda. Free to live a life that is filled with happiness. It’ll take time, but you can get there.”

Was that what life was supposed to be like? To actually be happy every single day? I highly doubted that. I’d seen free people who hated the world just because they kept secrets. Or they hated themselves because of others. Freedom wasn’t really free, even for adults, let alone children.

I’ve seen the horrors, so I knew what the world held for everyone. Money wasn’t the only cause of evils, despite what people thought.

“I’ll tell you how many times it is needed. You are free from the life you had before Dawn. Someone obviously was looking out for your wellbeing or you wouldn’t be here today.” She paused long enough I thought maybe she was just going to let me drift in my own thoughts again. The notebook lay face up in my lap, hand loosely holding the pen. “It’ll take weeks, maybe months to years, to heal from what you’ve been through. You are a victim, a survivor, and so much more.”

I was just Koda.

I didn’t see anything changing more than it had. It was more than enough to just be able to be with Dawn. Enough to not have to serve and be forced to do certain things that I never wanted to do again.

The past could stay buried deep in me, and I hoped with more time, it’d just magically disappear. I didn’t know what the future held for me. It didn’t exactly matter like it hadn’tbeen years ago. Now, my death may look a bit different than I once had thought it’d be.

Instead of dying at the hands of a monster, it could be a hundred other things. Things I didn’t want to think about.That was of course, only if Dawn let me stay with her long enough.

“Let’s change the topic,” Dr. Shaw said, shifting again in the chair. “Have you thought of anything you want?”

I blinked, containing the eye roll that threatened to escape. Right now, all I wanted was to stay with Dawn. I wanted her to keep letting me stay with her.

Instead of writing something down again, I underlined Dawn’s name on the paper.

“You want Dawn?” I shook my head, tapping her name again. “You want to stay with her?” Then, I nodded twice.

I’d do anything to stay with her.

“I want to believe that she’ll do anything to keep that as an opportunity for you. From my understanding, Dawn has tried for years to track you down. I don’t think she’d willingly let you go, and even then, she’ll still fight with everything in her to have you with her.”

The nagging thought of her getting tired of me sat in the back of my head. It was there, knocking on the door to remind me that my time was limited. Sooner or later, Dawn would get tired of me. The reasons would pile up, and there’d be nothing I’d be able to do to change the fact that I was unwanted.

Unwanted by this world.

The universe hated me.

So, did I.

I cried too much. I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t function like a fifteen-year-old. And it wasn’t only my body that was broken, but my mind too.

I ran a hand under my nose, getting fed up with my emotions. And my thoughts, too.

I wasn’t surprised that everyone was always tired of me. The snotty nose was bad enough. I was like a five-year-old who was constantly running around with goop seeping from their nose.

I was the most pathetic person alive.

“Want to tell me what’s going through your mind?”

No, I thought with another sniff. I gently pushed the notebook off my lap, letting it land on the table. Inside, I wanted to throw the stupid thing. I wanted to yell.

Instead, I took a deep breath, held it in my lungs until they burned with pressure and released it slowly so it didn’t make a single noise. With that one exhale, I shut it all off. I shut off the thoughts. I shut off the wants and feelings.

I couldn’t do it anymore.

The loss of what was to come would destroy me more than anything else in life.

I was done.

***

The car ride home was quiet, even for me. Sure, there was music on low, and Dawn chatted here and there, but it all went in one year and out the other.

The desire to curl up in a corner and fade away was strong. I would be content enough for the entire world to forget I existed. Then maybe I could die in peace.

Feeling nothing at all would have to do, since my heart still beats in my chest, despite my will to get it to stop.

It wasn’t the first time, and most likely, not the last, where I wished I could just take myself out of the equation.

I didn’t want to be here anymore. I didn’t want to keep waiting for more pain, for more torture. I didn’t want to keep holding my breath for Dawn to kick me out to the street. Because surely after today, that’s exactly what was going to happen.

Shutting it all off was easier. There's less pain.

I’ve spent most of my life like that. It was easier to keep a tight grip on how things affected me emotionally, and at times physically. It’s what has saved me when a client took a whip to my back when I couldn’t get my dick to stay hard. It’s what protected me when I gagged the first time a cock was shoved into my throat without care. And it saved me when all I wanted was to die when I had all four limbs tied up and used by more than one client at the same time.

My breath caught in my chest as I forced the thoughts back to where they belonged. They all needed to stay in the dark boxes in my mind that were shelved and labeled. The boxes had tight lids that were never allowed to be opened, not even a tiny little slip. Because all it took was a tiny look, and it’d all come crashing down.

Although, maybe that was what I needed to end it all.

Let the boxes and memories and monsters crash over my head and drown me.

Then, maybe, finally, I’d be able to have the guts to end it all once and for all.

Afterall, how hard would it be to take a knife to my already scarred skin. How hard would it be to press a sharp edge into my flesh, letting the blood flow freely like it was a river? How difficult would it be to refuse to eat and drink, and let my body waste away?

Surely it couldn’t take too much work. It wasn’t like I was living anyways.

I was just skin and bones and nothingness.