Twisted Deceit (Deceit #3)

Chapter 13

My eyes followed the silver part of the knife as Dawn chopped some green thing on the counter. She was chatting, again. And the words simply refused to register in my mind.

Nothing had changed in the last two days. I still felt empty. Lost, even. Which, given, was nothing new.

I felt absolutely nothing, even if the tears that leaked from my eyes randomly declared otherwise.

It felt like I lost my soul, maybe even my heart even if that thing was beating in my chest.

Nothing was right, yet nothing was wrong. It was just…. whatever.

I didn’t care anymore. Didn’t care that I wasn’t eating. Not caring that I wasn’t sleeping. And not caring that Dawn kept shooting me concerned looks since I woke up this morning.

Although, technically, I hadn’t woken up, because I hadn’t exactly slept. I dozed here and there, but every time I fell too deep into the blackness that I wished would swallow me whole, I’d jerk awake with memories.

That one box’s lid was cracked, slightly torn on the edge, letting certain memories creep into my thoughts with each passing hour.

It was the one box that held the worst of them, too. Why did it have to be that one? Why did it have to bother me now, out of everything else?

My shoulders felt heavy as I leaned my elbows on the counter, eyes glued to the knife. A part of my brain told me that that chopping knife was too big for what I needed, but it could do the job anyways.

“Koda?”

At that tone of voice, one where Dawn must have been calling my attention for longer than needed, I finally tore my gaze from the sharp metal to her face.But then instantly dropped my gaze to the countertop.

She knew.

Whatever she was about to say was stopped as the doorbell rang through the house. “If you touch that knife, and any of the others in this house and use it other than for food, will hurt me more than it’ll hurt you.”

How would it hurt her? It wasn’t Dawn’s body I was taking a pointy thing to. It was my own, and all it’d offer would be sweet relief.Relief that could seep from my pores like rain falling to the dry desert.

Before I could figure out any answers, Dawn was back in the kitchen, quickly taking the knife out of my sight.

“That was the neighbor,” she mused. “She got some of my mail.” Through my watery eyes, I halfway watched Dawn clean up whatever she had been chopping before tossing it into a pot on the stove. “I may not understand a lot of what you’ve been through, but I know harming yourself isn’t going to fix a single thing.”

My idea was more than just a little nick.

“Or worse,” she went on as if she could read my thoughts. “It’d hurt me, in here.” Dawn placed a hand over where her heart lay. “Ever since that first time I was denied being allowed to have you, I’ve worked day in and day out to make sure I could take you in if I evergot the chance to do so. I’d say I’d even go as far as killing another human to save you, if it came down to it. So please, Koda.” Her voice broke as my name passed her lips. “Please, don’t do something that you can’t come back from.”

I simply nodded once, letting her words settle just enough in my head. It hurt me, knowing that she was hurting for me.

What the hell was wrong with me?

No one cared about me before. Why was Dawn trying to care so much? Why did her cracking voice crack something inside of me that should be long dead by now?

“After lunch, you should take a nap.”

Another nod. I’d happily skip eating to do just that. At this exact moment, I felt like I could sleep for a week, but given how much rest I’ve gotten the past few days, a nap was likely to happen.

“Then, we’ll talk about some things. And I expect you to give me truthful answers.”

Couldn’t we just get that done and out of the way now? I looked around for a notebook, knowing there was one somewhere in here. There was one in almost every room, so at least I didn’t have to carry one around with me everywhere.

Spotting it just slightly out of reach, I had to stretch out to grab it. My motions were slow, and my fingers weren’t working all that great with me.

When I pulled it closer, the last page was still open, pen stuck in the metal spiral, I sloppily wrote down my thoughts.

Talk now. Get it over with

“I highly doubt you’ll be able to think straight right now,” Dawn answered. “When was the last time you slept?”

I lifted a shoulder. Did it matter?

“That’s what I thought,” she went on thoughtfully, turning back to the stove to stir whatever she was making. “You also haven’t been eating much. You’re already skin and bones.”

Nothing I could do about that either. So, I just blinked and tapped the end of the pen against the paper.

“Fine, but we’ll re-talk it all over after a nap,” she sighed, shaking her head like I was forcing her. Which, I wasn’t. I just…wanted to get it done and over with. That way, maybe I could sleep for hours on end. Maybe then…well I really don’t know.

“Whatever is making you want to harm yourself, you need to either tell me or Dr. Shaw. We can’t help you unless you give us a chance.”

Didn’t she know that there were no words that could explain that?

“I’ve done tons of reading since you came here, Koda. I may not understand everything you’ve been through, but I can certainly have ideas. And yes, I’m upset more at the entire system for what you’ve been through. I know there are certain things that I can do to help you learn to deal with things. Dr. Shaw is more than able to help, too. You aren’t alone in this.”

But wasn’t I? They hadn’t lived through hell. They weren’t waiting death to call them every breathing second with a dick in their ass.

There were just going to be things that I’d never be able to overcome. No amount of therapy, talking or anything would help me there. It was what it was.

“That's fine, you don’t believe me,” Dawn went on, once again reading my thoughts. I couldn’t stop myself from widening my eyes. “ Your expressions tell your thoughts more than words ever could, dear. And I want to say I know you well enough to read most of your thoughts.”

I breathed through my nose as I dropped my eyes to the paper in front of me once more.

“I hope with time, you’ll see that there are options. There are ways to find help, even when you don’t think there is. I’m sure a few weeks of us all telling you that you're free isn’t enough to get through that brain. Not after years of being told what to do, and when. It’s a huge change to go from having everything controlled, to having to make all those choices. Which is why I’ve given you space to come to terms with things. Time to sort out some thoughts, and also see how you act when I don’t give you something to do. I know you hate it when I don’t let you help with dishes, or do your part around here.”

I shot a quick, small glare her way. I kind of disliked how she knew me way too well, yet something poked at my heart at the same time.

For once, I was being seen as who I was. I wasn’t just a boy serving a client or obeying a master’s command. Dawn saw me. Truly saw me.

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to respond.

All I knew was the feeling of something starting to grow inside of me. A feeling that lodged itself in my throat, making it difficult to breathe all of sudden.

A part of me wanted to run. Run and hide somewhere I could never be found again. But the other part was frozen right where I sat. My butt was glued to the stool with my heart beating too quickly in my chest.

My next breath was still stuck, causing my eyes to widen in fear.

Was this death? If so, it wasn’t a nice feeling.

My lungs cried and seized at the same time as tears gathered in my eyes.

Crap.

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think.

My heart threatened to race out of my chest as black dots appeared in my watery vision.

“Koda? Honey. You gotta breathe. One big breath in. Come on.”

Warm hands on either side of my cheeks coaxed a stuttering breath to kind of release, but then relodge in my chest at the same time. Some sort of cough, cry sound came forth, jarring my entire body.

Help. I pleaded silently.

Minutes ago, maybe I wanted to die. But now I don't. I didn’t want to go out like this, at least.

“In. Slow and steady.”Dawn moved one hand to take ahold of my own, moving both to her chest where I could feel each exhale she took. She repeated the process, telling me to breathe in, then out. Over and over.

My chest ached, like it was caving in when I finally got a good amount of air to pass though my fiery lungs. It burned, yet my body forced more air to release once again.

“There ya go,” Dawn whispered as my breathing slowly became easier bit by bit. It was still choppy. “Keep breathing. In. Out.”

My breathing turned easier, and with it the effort to keep myself upright slipped away. I fell against Dawn’s chest. She gave out a small oomph , but wrapped her arms around me. At that small gesture, I sobbed. I sobbed for so many things.

For the things I lost. For the parents I should have had. For the love and safety that every child should have. I cried like I had never done before.

I’ve spent years of my life crying. Mostly crying in pain. This wasn’t painful. It was just a loss of the life I could have had. Loss for what I wanted but would never get. And for the loss of just being able to be someone that wasn’t dragged down by monsters.

Eventually, my sobs stopped, yet tears still fell. Dawn’s arms around my back held me tight, giving me something I never knew I needed.

“Lunch?” She whispered near my ear when my body was no longer shaking. “Then a nap.”

I nodded twice.

Dawn pulled back, waiting for me to keep my body upright before cupping my cheeks once again. Her green eyes bounced between my dull brown ones before she gave a small smile.

“You won’t push me away, Koda. You are to stay here, and no matter how sad you get, no matter what you think, you get to stay here. With me. For as long as you want to. No one gets to decide that but you. I will never force you out of this home. It’s yours as much as mine. And my arms are also here for you to seek comfort from at any time. I’ll forever keep fighting for you, even if you don’t give me the chance to do so.”

I could only blink my watery eyes at her, feeling another couple of tears slip down the corners of my eyes.

“A few weeks is not enough time to show you that you’re free or that you are welcome here. But I will keep doing everything I can to prove to you that I want you here, Koda.”

Chapter 14

Age 15 ⒈／⒉

I hated this. Everything about it.

It didn’t matter that it was part of my healing, according to Dr. Shaw and Dawn. Nothing could make today better. Not even the fact that I was to pick out something I wanted.

I snorted at that.

What I wanted was back at Dawns. The swing called my name, since it was a beautiful day. The middle of June where the birds were out, afternoon thunderstorms rolled in, and the lightning bugs flicked by right after dusk.

“Maybe it should be two things,” Dawn mused from beside me.

I shot her an annoyed look, to which she laughed. She couldn’t possibly know this was not the right way to get me to venture out on my own. Ever.

Not that I’d likely do that anyways.

Dawn was safe. She picked out good food. She grabbed what I needed when I wrote down things, like new socks. Or a toothbrush.

I wasn’t picky.

“To most teenagers, they’d just pick everything they saw in this aisle.”

Well, I wasn’t like others.

I folded my arms across my chest, shooting my next glare at the options in front of me. None of it was appealing anyways.

“What about something else then? You don’t have to get soda.”

My shoulders dropped. I knew that, of course. But it was the fact that I had to be the one to pick out something. Either to eat or drink. I thought drinks would be easier, but well…. they were just easy to grab without much thought.

I waved a hand at the shelf blindly.

“Okay. Options…soda? Tea maybe? Flavored water?”

I widened my eyes. Those were options? I lifted three fingers.

“Down there a bit,” Dawn pointed down towards where they were. She didn’t move until I did, slightly trailing after me with a cart partly full of food for a week.

Once I was in front of the flavored water, the options seemed a bit less daunting, thankfully. Still overwhelming, though. The colors were anywhere from clear, to dark. A few bright ones thrown in, too.

“Pick a flavor. Or two. Or three.”

I shot Anun impressive look Dawn's way. One was more than enough.

“If you like it, we can get more next week.”

Gritting my teeth, I reached out and randomly picked one. The label said it was pink raspberry. I wasn’t holding out hope that I’d be any good.

I’d rather just stick to water. Dawn made super good cold water with a slice of lemon on hot days.

I gently set the bottle in the cart, then wrapped my arms back around my torso. I was done with my stupid mission.

“Great choice. Anything else you want, or that we need, before we check out?”

At that, I shook my head. I was done being around people. I was done making a choice.

Two of which were things Dr. Shaw wanted me to work on.I understood her reasoning, but it didn’t mean I had to like it.

Dawn was as much of a pusher to get me out of my comfort zone. I needed to learn that not everyone in the world wanted to hurt me, and to be able to live a life without someone beside me every step of the way, I had to make choices. I had to figure out new things that I wanted to try. Hence, the drink and a store in one go.

I could live on my own, most likely. If I wanted to. It was just…Dawn was safe. She already bought things I liked, and even if she didn’t, I wouldn’t say anything against it. She could read me well enough to know if I didn’t like something.

I didn’t see the point in getting a drink, though. It had seemed to be one of the easier choices, but I had been wrong. Maybe picking out a type of bread would be easier. That, I know what I like. The white package has super soft pieces inside of it.

Plus, this wasn’t the first time I’ve been to a store with Dawn. I’ve been in with her a few times now, learning the layout and where all the products were kept. I didn’t mind shopping with her, actually.

Once all the items were paid for and loaded back into the cart, Dawn easily led the way back to the car. It didn’t take long to put everything into the car, or head back home either. All the while, the drink sat in the cup holder, untouched.

Thankfully, Dawn didn’t comment on it. That would be another issue for another day.

When she pulled into the driveway, I gave out a silent thank you. After today’s adventure, I really wasn’t in the ideal mood to go to another store. Once a month since I had been living with her, Dawn had stopped at a few other places, a way to try to draw me out of my comfort zone in different ways.

It’s how I got a few other pieces of clothing, which I still didn’t think I needed. Two sets of everything were enough, so why did I need five?

Maybe someday I’ll appreciate the effort Dawn was forcing me into with getting out of the house more, but right now, I wasn’t thankful. I’d much rather stay at her place. Here, I was safe. There wasn’t a single person who had harmed me in any way since I entered her home.

“Crap.” Dawn’s curse caused me to quickly look at her before I followed her gaze to the parked car that was off to the side.

I was pretty sure that wasn’t the social worker’s car, but even then, she did stop a few times over the past few months.

It was still hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I’d been with Dawn for nearly six months. Only one huge meltdown, which was actually a panic attack. She hadn’t kicked me out then, so maybe she was going to keep me.

“That’d be my parents. Your grandparents,” she went on after slowing the car. “They don’t visit often, and never have they just shown up without a call first.” Dawn took a deep breath, gathering whatever mental patients she could. Or so I assumed. “I won’t tell them who you are to me.”

I shrugged. It didn’t matter to me. Or I didn’t think it did at the moment. It wasn’t like I was going to say who I was to Dawn, or anyone else for that matter.

“Alright then. Let's get this over with.”

Sounded good enough for me. The sooner these guests left, the sooner I could…well I don’t know. I’d probably either hide in my room, or go to the swing. Either option would happen either way.

By the time the car was turned off and we both stepped out, two adults were walking our way. Like I was good at, I ignored them both, loading the bags of groceries into sizable grabs. There wasn’t much, and it was easy enough for both Dawn and me to take it all in one load.

“Hey. Mom. Dad.” Dawn greeted, a fake smile that I hadn’t seen from her before on her lips. “This is a surprise.”

“We thought we’d stop by,” the woman spoke, her eyes trailing me up and down. I didn’t need to be looking at her to know she was eyeing me up like I was a bug on the bottom of her shoe.

“You don’t just stop by. You don’t live close enough for that,” Dawn muttered the last part, leading the way up to the door. I followed right behind her.

“We are going on a road trip. Thought it’d be fun before we hit retirement.” The man answered, his voice deeper than I expected. “Darla wanted to see a few towns we would settle down in in a year or two.”

“Please not here,” Dawn whispered under her breath. I had to agree with her there. There was no way I would have wanted them here if she didn’t.

“So…who’s this?” The woman asked once we were in the kitchen. I was quick to set my bags down and start to put the stuff away.

“Someone staying with me for a while,” was the only answer Dawn gave. It was short and to the point. Yet, Darla didn’t seem to take it.

“Are you still trying out that whole parent thing? Your sister failed and the system never let you have her kid, so of course you would. Maybe find a man first, then you can raise your children.”

Dawn turned, hands on her hips. My eyes bulged, already knowing whatever she had to say wasn’t going to end well for the person on the other side.

My hands slightly shook as I sat the can of beans on the counter.

“I’m a fully grown adult and make my own choices. That includes who I allow into my home. If you can’t respect my choices in being a foster parent, then you can find the door.” Dawn took a breath, glaring daggers at her parents. Her father stood back, quiet and not uttering a word, yet his eyes kept bouncing to me.

Out of the corner of my eyes, his mustache twitched. Whatever thoughts he had, he hid pretty well.

“And don’t get me started on my nephew. It’s your fault I didn’t get him when he was thrown into the system. You should have at least taken him in. Your own grandson…. really? I don’t know how I survived growing up, bu t no wonder why your other daughter was into drugs.”

“We cared, Dawn. It was tough enough raising two daughters, who were ungrateful for everything we did.” Darla seemed like she really couldn’t care any less. “And I bet that boy found a good home. He was young enough. People adopt all the time.”

A good home? Yeah right.

I huffed a breath through my nose. If only it had been that simple.

“You’re so wrong. On so many levels. You aren’t welcome here anymore.” Dawn folded her arms across her chest and moved to block me from their sight a bit more.

“Now don’t get in a tizzy fit.” The man spoke. “We don’t need to argue. That’s not our purpose today. We just wanted to see our daughter.”

“Then tell your wife she needs to keep her mouth shut about how I live my life and who gets to be in it.”

“Hey now!” Darla shouted, causing me to jerk. A can clattered to the floor.

“Maybe you should think about what really happens in foster care. Or maybe think about the fact you destroyed a life that you could have saved!” Dawn counted, her voice raising slightly.

I slowly backed away, my heart in my stomach. While I knew Dawn would speak up for me, and for herself, my flight response kicked in.

Inch by inch, my feet backed away, taking me to the easier escape route. The back door was right there, easy to slip out of. My wide eyes were glued to the three.

I didn’t stay longer in the kitchen, slipping out the back door. Once the fresh warm hit my back, my feet took me straight towards my swing.

Out here, I couldn’t hear the raised voices. I couldn’t hear the mean things spoken about a woman who gave birth to me. And most of all, I didn’t have to deal with the fact that my own grandparents hadn’t wanted a single thing of me.

To them, I really didn’t exist.

I shouldn’t be surprised. Dawn had mentioned before that her parents weren’t really parent material. They were there when they wanted something, and they each had their own differences in life and how to live it.

Swiping a tear from my cheek, I breathed in deep.

I hoped that those two people never came back. Dawn was right. They didn’t deserve to get to know who I truly was.

“Nice set up Dawn’s got here.”

I jerked, body almost falling backwards off the swing at the voice. Only my grip on one of the ropes saved me.

“Didn’t mean to scare you.”

I eyed the man, the same one that had been inside moments ago. How had I not noticed he came out here? Did he follow me? Did he think I’d serve him?

“I mean no harm.” He held up both hands, palms facing me, as he spoke the words. “Truly. I didn’t come out here to…. Well, I came out here to get away from all that crap in there.” He pointed a thumb over his shoulder back towards the house behind him.

I blinked, not daring to turn my gaze away from him. My heart that had just started to settle was now beating way too quickly once more. My hand gripped the ropes to the swing in a tight fist on each side of me.

“My daughter sure has taken a liking to you,” he went on, shoving his hands into his front pockets. “She always had too much of a big heart. That hasn’t changed.” I still had nothing to say to that. I didn’t know damn well enough to know if she had changed over the years. So far, she was the kindest person I had ever met, and that was saying a lot. “When…uh…the other daughter passed away, things hadn’t been that easy between us. Stella was something different, always testing rules and that never changed. Not even when she had her own child. I do regret not being there for her kid, but Darla didn’t want anything to do with the boy. It’s my own fault for letting that woma n decide things. I wasn’t in the best mindset at that point in time. But still, that’s no excuse.”

“No, it certainly isn’t an excuse,” Dawn huffed, walking and standing in between me and the man. “Your wife is in the car.”

His eyes bounced from Dawn to me, and it seemed like he understood something that I didn’t. His squinted eyes softened as he addressed Dawn once more. “I’m sorry. For everything Dawn. I know you’ll never understand my side of things, but I do know it’s too late to do much now about any of that.”

“Damn right,” Dawn stood taller, although it wasn’t like she could grow any taller than she was. But the way her shoulders stiffened and he held her head higher spoke more than words ever could. “Nothing can change the past. And after today, I’m done with both of you.”

“Fair enough,” he dipped his chin. “One thing before I go. Expect a letter in the mail from the bank in the next few weeks. Stella’s son,” his eyes bounced to me for a moment before returning to Dawn, “has a savings account that I started when he was born. I’ll keep adding to it every month until I die, or until your mother finds out, which at this point is unlikely. There’s more than enough money in there for his college education. Or whatever else he needs. He won’t get access to it until he’s eighteen, but it’s all his.”

“We don’t need your money.”

“No, I know. But I had a tiny bit of hope that he’d get to have it someday. He was supposed to be adopted by a great family. He was young, and that’s what the social services had said would happen. I didn’t doubt them when I should have. But even then, I hoped that when he turned old enough, he’d track us down and I could say I always wanted to help him. So, the money is his either way.”

The man’s eyes went back to me again. “I’m sorry. Truly I am. Dawn always wanted you, and I’m glad she found you. Your secret’s safe with me, though. I promise.” With that, he took his hands out of his pockets before turning his back on us, walking away the way he had come.

Dawn watched him disappear around the corner, and only then did her shoulders drop and she blew out a gust of air.

“Well, that could have been worse.”

I wasn’t sure that was possible, but at least my heart was back to its normal rhythm again. My hands hurt from gripping the ropes so tightly, so I let go and shook them out.

“I think after all that, ice cream is in order. Whatcha you say?”

I’d never say no to that.