Twisted Deceit (Deceit #3)

Chapter 17

I could do this, I thought with a deep breath.

The door opened, revealing a large group of people exiting the coffee shop. Their voices were loud, laughter and maybe a joke or two between a few of the group members. None of the words spoken reached me, as all my focus was on my breathing.

Deep breaths were not helping the beating organ in my chest that felt like it was about to fly out with wings.

Expanding my safe areas, as Dr. Shaw said, wasn’t what I wanted to do on a Saturday morning. Or any time for that matter. It just sucked that this was more my idea than the doctor’s this time around.

I wanted to say that I may be a bit more comfortable picking out things I wanted, but that was a lie. I did better get certain food items that Dawn needed for meals. She could give me a list, and I knew what to get without second thoughts or falling into a panic attack. But when it came to my needs or wants, that’s where things got jumbled up in my head.

Another deep inhale, and I pushed forward, willing my legs to hold my weight.

“It’s okay if you can’t do this today. We can always come back another day,” Dawn said, right behind me. “It’s okay to fail.”

I was already a failure, I thought. But I could do this. I had to.

` I was getting agitated by always fearing my own shadow. I was annoyed with my thoughts, and I wanted to be normal. Or as close to what I could be. I was four months away from being sixteen.

While inside, I still felt like a child who knew the world, yet knew nothing on how to live a life without a hand holding my own. I wanted that to change.

I couldn’t always depend on Dawn, even though she was always there, every step of the way.I came to terms with the fact I probably wouldn’t be in the world like everyone else. I would never be able to be out and about on my own, let alone with any groups of people. Which, I was more than okay with.

As long as I had Dawn, I’d be fine in the end. It was better than what I once thought would be my life and the end of it all.

Stepping into the coffee shop, Dawn pushed a hand along my lower back to urge me a bit more inside so we didn’t block the doorway. There were tables with chairs set about three feet apart from one another all over the open space. My gaze drifted over the artwork that covered every inch of the walls before I got my feet to move towards an empty table off to the right.

Thankfully, I had already written down what I wanted, so that was one obstacle I didn’t have to deal with as I took a seat and Dawn went to order our drinks.

When I sat, hands clasped tightly on the black tabletop, did I release a breath I hadn’t remembered holding. It came out in a gush before I gulped in another breath.

No one paid attention to me, nor did they even look my way. A group on the other side of the shop was a bit louder as laughter rang out, but still, no one looked over at me. I took a moment to look them over a bit closer. A few men and women of all ages, kind of grouped together or paired off, yet all together in one group. They seemed to know each other well, joking and talking as if they hadn’t seen each other for weeks on end, or what I’d assume would be the case.

What? Wait.

I blinked, my eyes wide as someone moved and I caught a glimpse of a boy – not a man – with dark blond hair. He looked familiar. Too much so, I had to shake my head.

There was no way anyone I had been held in a room with against my will would be here of all the places available. It wasn’t possible.

I was a one in a hundred chance to be saved as I was.

It wasn’t…

“You, okay?” Dawn took a seat in front of me, forcing my gaze to hers. She turned to look at the group before returning to facing me. “Someone you know over there?”

I quickly shook my head, which caused my hair to fall in front of my eyes over the top of my glasses.

“It’s okay if you do. There’s other’s that have been saved; you know.”

But not like me. Not that I had asked for details from Sarah or anything the few times she’s stopped by to check on my wellbeing.

Leaning towards the side, I got another good glance at the man. He was too far away for me to see well enough, but my heart beat in my chest just a tiny bit quicker.

Asher couldn’t be here. He was a favorite. He couldn’t have been able to get away from the monster as easily as I had, could he?

I swallowed; my drink completely forgotten.

Asher. The boy I huddled up against when he was beaten to an inch of his life.

Asher, the boy I knew didn’t deserve to be there, out of all the others.

He was the kind one. The caring one. The lost one. The one who should live a happy and full life of everything instead of me.

I wiped a tear away as it fell from my cheek.

“Do you-“

I quickly shook my head. No, I didn’t need Dawn to try to figure out who I thought I knew over there. I didn’t need her to step in and whisk me away, either.

“Alright.” Dawn took a sip of her drink before looking over behind her again. “Seems like a fun group.”

No, not really. They were too loud. Too touchy as too many of them hugged one another.

Dawn lightly laughed as I wrinkled my nose at her comment. “Yeah, not my scene either. But you’re welcome to try to join them. They seem friendly.”

I gave her a look that said I’d rather do anything other than that. This time, her laughter was a bit louder, causing a few of the people to look our way.

I couldn’t help the heat from rising to my cheeks as I ducked my head.

Before I could get my emotions in check, which really was a lost cause anyways since they tended to be on my sleeve these days, someone strolled up to our table. Thankfully, Dawn kept the man’s attention on her rather than it on me.

“Sorry if we got too loud,” he said when he was close enough to our table.

“It’s a public place, no harm at all,” Dawn said, brushing off the apology. “Sounds like you all are close over there.”

“Yeah, you could say that.” I glanced up under my lashes as the man shoved his hands into his front pockets. Although, I wasn’t sure how they could fit with how tight his black jeans were.Slowly, my eyes lifted up to his faded black shirt, the logo barely seen, before they got to his face.

So much for my embarrassment to slither away. Instead, it renewed with a rush of heat and a beating heart as I took in the bright blue eyes, eye liner and heart shaped jaw line. The ink on his arms was something else entirely, but at least that's safe to look at.

“It’s more of a welcome back party, I guess. I’ve been gone for a few months and just got back to town. We try to keep things family friendly, but there’s always those of us that can’t seem to remember that.”

“Visiting or staying long term?” Dawn asked.

“Not sure yet. I’m here to help my grandma, but she’s a stubborn old lady who thinks she can still live on her own and drive. Yet she can’t see twenty feet in front of her most days when she can’t find her glasses.”

Dawn laughed, agreeing. “Sounds like my neighbor or two that I have. Well, I wish you the best of luck. Koda and I should be heading on our way. We have an appointment that we can’t be late for.”

“Maybe we’ll see each other around town. My kid brother could use a friend.”

I blinked. I did not need a friend. And not one that has a brother that looked like this man here.

“Ready, dear?”

I nodded slowly, tearing my gaze away from the man. Dawn said something else, but it went through my head as I pushed my chair back, drink most likely cold now. I wrapped my arms around my torso as I followed her out, not daring to look back at the group.

“Well, that didn’t go too bad.” Dawn mused when we were both in the car.

I let out a breath, shoulders dropping.

“He seemed nice enough, and you didn’t freak out. So I count that as a win.”

If only I could be as happy and optimistic about such a simple thing.

I only made a fool of myself. But I guess, on the bright side, it wasn’t because of a panic attack. Instead, it only gave my mind more thoughts to swim in circles.

If Dawn knew the thoughts that were floating through my brain right now, she’d say otherwise.

I was freaking out. My heart was slowing down enough to give more leeway for those thoughts.

Why did I react to a man, out of all the people in the world, in such a way? There was something about him that I couldn’t put my feelings to words on.

Maybe it was the odd combination of tattoos that decorated his arms against the soft look in his eyes. Or maybe it was the way he held himself. Or maybe I was more messed up than anyone thought.

The last one was the most likely.

I didn’t even understand myself, so of course my body and thoughts would go against everything.

I had no plans to ever become more than who I was right now. I knew I’d be lucky enough to eventually live on my own without fearing someone would storm into the house and take me away again.

There had been too many times that happened while growing up. I never figured out why social workers, or strange men, tended to come barging into whatever room I was sleeping in and drag me from bed. And I mean by grabbing my foot or arm and forcing me out of the warm comfort I so rarely got.

At least with the past taking me hostage, it swept away the weird feelings that a man had never invoked in me before. But with it, a sort of darkness washed over me. One I hadn’t felt since before Dawn had come into my life.