Twisted Deceit (Deceit #3)

Chapter 18

It felt like the world was passing me by while I was stuck in place. Like so many times before, time held no meaning to me as it ticked on second by second.

Nothing had changed, yet everything had, in fact, changed while I battled the monsters in my head.

I was still simply Koda, yet the world felt off kilter. Like something was different and I had no say in the outcome. Although, I never truly did have a say in anything like that. Why would I, anyhow? It wasn’t like I could fix the weather as the seasons once again changed.

My thoughts were unshakable, even though I knew I was no longer living in the past. The hands of males would forever be etched into my soul, just like the words that were spat at me for my tears that I never had control over.

Some things wouldn’t change.

Two days later, and I had yet figured out what was exactly wrong with me. The darkness was still hanging over my head, holding its weight on my shoulders like a bolder.

Sitting on the wicker swing, chin resting atop of my knees, I let my thoughts wonder. It was all I could do.

Sleep hadn’t been my friend, and it reminded me just how tired I truly was deep down.

Going from years of no sleep, to finally finding some sort of peace in resting at night, then back to no sleep wasn’t the best for me or my thoughts. My eyes weren’t dry, either, since tears were a constant thing the last couple of days.

I lost count of how many times Dawn had asked me if I was okay. What was I to say to her? Tell her how messed up I was? Tell her that the monsters were pulling me back to the depths of their darkness? Or…I don’t know, yell and scream at the world at how unfair it all was?

I sniffed, my eyes slipping shut for a moment.

Hadn’t I cried enough? Hasn't the past haunted me enough? Why couldn’t I just forget it all happened and move on? Why couldn’t I just be normal and pretend that I was okay and fake it all until my life ended?

I was one of the crappiest actors out there. I could never fool Dawn, even if I tried. She saw through me. As did Dr. Shaw. So instead of lying, I didn’t say anything. Or write it down, was the better saying.

If it wasn’t out in the open, then it didn’t happen. Or at least part of my brain thought so.

I flashed my eyes open when there was a creek on the stairs.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you.” My gaze turned into a glare as whoever interrupted my…well whatever I was doing out here, became clearer. “I was just going to introduce myself. I’m helping clean up my grandmother’s house.”

A breath wafted past my lips as I shifted to sit up a bit better. While doing so, my brain caught up to speed.

“Oh. Uh…hi?” the man seemed to realize the same thing I had. One of his hands ran through his hair. “Right. Grams said you didn’t talk, and warned me this was a bad idea. But well, I like bad ideas. Anyhow,” he took a deep breath before dropping his tattooed arm back to his side. “I’m Jasper. I’ll be here off and on for the next few weeks. And my brother will tag along once in a while.”

Great, I thought. Could he go away now? At least this time, I didn’t have the same reaction to him as I had last time. Right now, I was just annoyed. And tired.

“Alright. Well…”He waved behind himself, then took a step down. “See you around?”

Not if I could help it, he wouldn’t.

I watched him turn and walk away, taking his bright blue eyes with him. For some reason, my feet wanted to follow him like I was a lost puppy looking for a new owner.

I scoffed at my thoughts as I stood and headed inside, the complete opposite direction than where that man was going. First off, I wasn’t a dog, despite what males had called me in the past. Second of all, why the heck did I even want to follow some random stranger? That wasn’t me, nor would it ever be me.

Maybe Dawn was right. I needed to have a session with Dr. Shaw, even though I didn’t see anything helping me with my messed-up thoughts.

After making sure the doors were shut tight and locked, I pulled the Afghan blanket from the back of the couch, around my shoulders and I laid down. Maybe a small nap would help sort things out, or at least help me make it through another long night.

***

“Sorry, hon. Didn’t mean to wake you,” Dawn’s voice was quiet, as though I was still asleep.

I rubbed the dried tears from both eyes before sitting up slowly.

I wasn’t sure what time it was, but the living room was dark, and it felt a tad chillier than it had earlier.

“If I had known you were napping, I wouldn’t have turned the light on. I wasn’t expecting you here.”

I lifted a shoulder while pulling the blanket tighter around my shoulders.

“You haven’t been sleeping well.”

I moved my gaze to the floor before I could see the sympathy in hers.

“I wish you’d tell me why. You can always tell me, you know. I won’t think any less of you.”

I breathed in deep before releasing it.

That was kind of the problem though. I couldn’t put words into what was going on in my mind. I didn’t even know how to explain it in a way anyone else could possibly understand.

“I’m going to start on dinner. You know where to find me.” With that, Dawn turned, leaving me to myself and my thoughts once more.

Slowly, I pushed myself from the couch. I wasn’t in the mood to be left alone. The night already felt long and it hadn’t exactly started. The clock on the wall said it was just a little after six, and I hated how dark it was outside already.

Like I expected, a notebook was opened to a blank page with a pen laying right on top.

Dawn sure did know how to pull out words from me, even when I didn’t exactly want to talk in any form.

Sitting on the stool, I tightened the blanket once more before picking up the black pen and tapping it on the notebook a few times before writing down something. Even if I didn’t want Dawn to read it, it would at least maybe help sort out the jumbled mess inside my head.

I don’t like change. It’s too dark. The monsters are trying to pull me under again. The neighbor’s grandkid is here. He stopped by. Not sure what’s with him. He makes me feel weird. A feeling I haven’t felt before. Same guy at the coffee shop. I’m tired. Haven’t slept well. Nightmares, mostly. Don’t want meds for it. Don’t want to talk to Dr either. No one can help. I’ll be okay. Hopefully. Maybe. Or not. Who cares?

Once I started, I couldn’t stop. All my thoughts came written out in a mess that made no sense unless you were me.

In a way, I poured my heart and soul into the words. In between my inner thoughts about being tired, about feeling so low about myself, I wrote about the past. I wrote how men used me. I scribbled out angrily how unfair it was that I missed out on life in so many different ways.

I hadn’t celebrated any sort of holiday or birthday until I came to be here with Dawn. Even though she didn’t give me ten million things, the few things she did meant the world to me. The tablet I used more than I thought I would.

For my first Christmas, Dawn had given me clothes and some craft things for me to try, like puzzles and gem art. I wasn’t a fan of either, but I still worked on them slowly when the weather was too cold for me to be outside.

I appreciated every little thing she did. So many times, she’d gone out of her way to make my life better in a way that I never thought was possible. Like when she noticed I didn’t like a certain texture of clothes, they ended up disappearing from my closet at one point. Only to be replaced with softer things.

I sniffed, writing the last sentence before setting the pen down.

Thank you, Dawn. For everything. I don’t know if I’d be alive if it weren’t for you.

If there was anything I could do to show her how much I am thankful for everything, I’d do it.

Keeping the house clean wasn’t enough. Helping with laundry didn’t return the favor she’d done for me.

All I could do was try to live. Try to figure out a way to survive this world as the monsters kept trying to chase me and pulling me back.

I wiped away the tears that started falling during the time I was writing, a few drips hitting the paper and smudging the words. For once, maybe writing it all down did help. The weight on my shoulders wasn’t so heavy, my thoughts were a bit clearer, and for a single moment, everything felt normal.