Twisted Deceit (Deceit #3)

Chapter 21

That night, I tossed and turned in bed. The only light was from the oil diffuser that Dawn had gotten me the Christmas before. It was soft enough I could sleep through the changing colors, yet bright enough to light up the room enough I could see where I was going without my glasses.

Huffing, I flopped onto my back, staring up at the blurry ceiling.

Dinner tonight still sat heavy in my stomach and I couldn’t figure out if that was due to the food or the thoughts.

Jasper was different, and I was unsure if I liked that. He was kind, more so than any man had ever been to me in almost my entire life. He saw a part of me that I didn’t want the world to see.

Yeah, I was an open book and was easy to read. Dawn wasn’t the only person who told me that. But still, Jasper seemed to know more than anyone else, even Dr. Shaw. Although, maybe she saw it all but didn’t remark on it.

Could a single person know how the monsters liked to scratch at me from the inside out? Did a person truly have the ability to look in my head and see the thoughts that were forever burned into my brain?

I knew I wasn’t the only survivor anymore. There were tons of others out there, all in different stages of healing. Some were more outspoken, sharing their stories to news stations and writing books. Others were just as quiet as I was.

Sitting up, back against the headboard and knees to my chest, I wrapped my arms around my legs loosely, the stuffed elephant squished between them.

I hated long nights, and tonight was definitely going to be one of those. The crickets were quiet outside my cracked window. The house settled as the temperature lowered another degree.

Sometimes, when the nights dragged on, I’d pull out one of the many notebooks and write my thoughts down. Tonight, that wasn’t going to be happening. There were no new thoughts that hadn’t been written down. I didn’t need to repeat what I’ve written a hundred times already over the past three years.

I was still lost in this huge world. There was still no hope of me ever becoming more than what I was right now, despite how much I was trying. It didn’t look like it on the outside, but I battled so many things in my mind that I felt like I was ten times bigger than I was some days. Because I was winning.

Trying to keep a positive outlook, even when I was failing, was slowly getting easier. Or at least I pretended it was. I wasn’t sure it made much difference. I still struggled, and always would.

Breathing in deep, I flickered my eyes towards the window, tempted to venture outside. Dawn wouldn’t care, but being out there in the dark alone scared me in a different way. I couldn’t see if someone was sneaking up behind me. But yet, the dark hid me in a way that nothing else ever could.

It was the dark that both taunted and welcomed me.

Instead, I laid back down, and closed my eyes. Maybe, if I pretended to sleep, I could find some sort of peacefulness that I so desperately wanted.

***

A breeze wafted through the air, moving the few pieces of hair that never wanted to be tamed against my forehead. The leaves rustled in the trees, causing a few birds to chirp in annoyance.

I never thought I’d enjoy living in the country. Heck, I never thought I’d live to be a day over seventeen, even with my young appearance. Yet, here I sat on a covered porch, enjoying the quiet life of freedom.

I could do just about anything my heart desired. But instead, I was sitting here hiding in the shade, yet in a spot that gave me a view of the two boys as they worked on the yard next door.

They were too far away to hear them talk, but they seemed to be having a fun time cleaning up trash that had gathered over the past few years along the edges of the house. Every once in a while, laughter would carry on the wind my way, causing my heart to beat in envy.

Was I capable of laughing? Could I find joy in doing a simple task such as cleaning up someone’s mess?

I guess I did find some sort of peace in keeping the house clean, but that was more out of just giving myself something to do to pass the time.

Dawn’s yard wasn’t filled with trash. That part had been cleaned away already this year when the weather had started to warm up. The yard, on the other hand, needed some work. But Dawn refused to let me mow, saying she didn’t own a mower that worked. I was pretty sure the one in the shed could be started if I tried, but she didn’t want me to worry about the grass.

“It’s the country. Who cares if the yard has tall grass out here? I sure don’t.” She had muttered.

“Hey, you.” I was pulled from my thoughts as Trace skipped towards me. His shirt was caked in sweat around the neckline, but it didn’t seem to bother him one bit. I guess my hiding spot wasn’t as well hidden as I thought. “Jasper sent me to see if it’s okay if we mow your yard?”

I shrugged. Dawn hadn’t said anything about someone else doing it. Just that I wasn’t to do it. Since I apparently did too much around the house as it was.

“Is your mom home?” he went on, taking another step closer but keeping enough of a distance between us.

I shook my head. It wasn’t worth the time to explain that Dawn was my aunt, although at this point, she may as well be my mom.

“Wanna text her or something to make sure it’s okay to mow the yard? I don’t want her to yell at us. My mom does that enough.” Although the last part was spoken like a joke, it felt like it wasn’t.

Pretty sure that Dawn wouldn’t care, I picked up my phone from beside me where I’d sat it earlier. It took her a matter of seconds to reply that Jasper was allowed to mow if he wanted to, but he didn’t have to.

I showed the phone screen towards Trace, unsure if he could even see it.

“Cool. I’ll let Jas know.” With that, he jogged back towards his brother.

I couldn’t move my eyes from the two, still trying to figure out why they didn’t exactly bother me like so many other men. There’d been way too many times at a store when a man got too close and I’d start to panic. Although that had gotten better, it still happened more than I wanted.

Before I could figure out if I should maybe move inside, where I wouldn’t have to try to be social, Jasper was pushing the lawn mower from somewhere behind the house, to a level spot to start it.

It didn’t take long for him to get it going, the motor echoing in the quiet. Figuring now as a good enough time to move myself inside, that’s what I did.

Trace waved my way before he, too, disappeared back around the side of the house and I shut the door.

Inside, the mower barely made a sound, but if I stood at the window overlooking the backyard, I could see Jasper as he pushed it through the thick grass.

I don’t know how long I stood there watching him. A few times the mower seemed to get stuck and he had to pull it backwards, only for it to die and have to be restarted. Maybe it was a good thing that Dawn wouldn’t let me do that, because I did hate to be sweaty, even though I spent plenty of time outside.

Deciding that Jasper at least needed something cold to drink, and I guess Trace, too, I found the powdered strawberry lemonade in the cupboard and a red plastic picture in another.

Mixing the powder and water to perfection, I added a few cupfulls of ice to make it slightly colder. By the time it was good enough to drink, Jasper seemed to be just finishing up our side of the yard.

All of a sudden, as I walked out the back door with a small stack of cups and the pitcher, my heart began to beat too quickly and my palms began to sweat.

Maybe I shouldn’t do this, I thought, although it was too late as Jasper shut off the mower and proceeded to wipe sweat off his face with the gray tee he had on. Doing so, showed part of a tattoo that was wrapped around his ribs.

Yeah, definitely a bad idea.

“What did you got there?” His eyes took in what I held when I didn’t move another foot. Finally, I got my feet to move towards the stairs, where I sat, and then poured him a cup. Handing it to him, I had to reach out closer to where he walked up at the bottom of the stairs. “Thank you, Koda.”

I could have sworn my heart skipped a beat as he spoke my name, and I was thankful that I was sitting.

At least I knew that a certain part of me wasn’t broken as it woke up. Even though my penis was squished, it was hidden. It didn't stop the blush from filling my cheeks, though.

“This is perfect.” He took another sip, his eyes filling with something I couldn’t place. “I’m assuming I have to share with my brother?”

I lifted a shoulder. Trace wasn’t out here at the moment.

“I know Gram’s yard hasn’t been mowed in years, which is partly my fault. My parents don’t care about helping her other than wanting her money.” He took a seat on the bottom step, leaving plenty of room between the two of us, but I still scooted back a foot on the top stair. “Not that she has much money, and none of it will go to my parents.”

Why was he even telling me this? I squinted my eyes off to the side, spotting Trace making his way over.

“My parents are not hurting for money,” he went on. “But most of it will go towards my brother getting to college if he gets his grades in order.” The last part was spoken loud enough that Trace could hear them.

“And college sucks. Look at you. You came home tatted up and made Mom fuss over you doing drugs.”

“I’ve never touched a single drug in my life.” Jasper sat up straighter, as though he was proud of that fact. “My girlfriend likes them.”

“She likes you . Hates my guts for whatever reason,” Trace nodded my way, before taking a seat a step below.

Already having a cup ready for him, I handed it to him. “Sweet. Thanks.”

“She doesn’t hate you,” Jasper huffed with his mouth around the lip of the cup. But he didn’t explain why.

It wasn’t my business, but yet Trace seemed to think I had some sort of important information that could be shared.

“I swear blond girls are the dumbest. They always think they are better than everyone else.”

Considering I didn’t get out all that often, nor have any friends other than Dawn, I had no opinion on the matter. I was sure that movies gave all blondes a bad image anyways. Same as red heads.

“It’s people like you that make them that way,” Jasper muttered, then gave me a look like I should understand that. Which, I didn’t. I only blinked. “Anyways,” he took a deep breath. “We should get back to work. Thanks for the cold drink.”