Twisted Deceit (Deceit #3)

Chapter 22

“How was your week?” Dr. Shaw asked once I sat down in her office on the usual couch that I claimed as my spot.

A white board and dry erase marker were already next to me, as though she knew my routine better than I did.

Same as always, I wrote down, my handwriting neat. That was the only thing that was perfect about me somehow. Everything else was a messed-up mix.

“Surely there was something that happened that was different than all the other days.” Dr. Shaw tilted her head, waiting for me out. She was always calm and patient, never pushing me to rush. We always went at my speed, which I guess was nice. Some days, I just wanted to get the session done and over with, adding very little to the conversation. Other times, I’d add in struggles for the week.“Just one thing?”

Neighbors’ kids are there cleaning her house

“Have you talked to them? In your way of talking?”

I nodded, then shrugged. Kinda. They seem nice, I guess. 2 boys.

“That’s great, Koda. I think that’s possibly the first time you’ve interacted with someone other than Dawn or me since I’ve known you.”

I went shopping and out to a coffee shop.

“Yes, but did you really interact with someone? Not just stand there and blink, and expect them to ring up your groceries?”

I huffed a breath through my nose.

Made them ice lemonade. 1 mowed the yard.

“That was nice of you. Was Dawn home?”

I shook my head.

“You’ve come a long way from that frightened boy, you know. A year ago, you wouldn’t have even been outside while another person was nearby like that. I’m assuming Dawn knows you did that.”

I nodded once. Dawn had been proud of me for doing something out of my comfort zone, too.

“And how did it turn out? Did anyone hurt you?”

I shook my head. Jasper seems nice. He kept his distance. He’s…maybe like you? See me when I try to hide.

Dr. Shaw smiled softly after reading my words. “He sounds like he could be a good friend, if you tried.”

I crinkled my nose at that thought. I didn’t need a friend. Plus, that would just complicate things even more.

Sure, Dr. Shaw knew most of my thoughts that went through my head, but there was no way I was going to be able to explain how one single person, a male at that, affected me so much. And it wasn’t the first time.

Keeping him of all people at a distance was exactly what I needed to do. If anyone knew how my body reacted to him, they’d surely think I was crazy. Especially after being hurt in so many ways for so long.

“It’d do you good to have a friend.” Thankfully, she moved on to a different subject, but it wasn’t any better. “I think we should work on getting you into a group setting. Be around others your age. There’s plenty of smaller get-togethers that happen almost every day of the week. Try something small at least twice, then you can tell me if you don’t want to go again.”

My shoulders dropped.

Don’t wanna

I’d rather come here twice a week over that idea.I was perfectly fine with doing what I was currently doing. Forcing myself into being around more people sounded like a second hell.

“Why not?”

Don’t like people

It was as simple as that. I didn’t trust anyone, either. Dawn and Dr. Shaw were the only two people I trusted enough to share anything with. Or be in the same area alone. Neither of them had ever hurt me.

“I can understand that, but people live in this world. There will be many times you’ll have to interact with them, even if you live with Dawn or not. There will be people you have to ask for help from. People that will ask you to help them. Regular people with everyday lives. You can’t hide in the shadows forever, Koda. Getting out and about, even once or twice a month, will help you not fear doing things on your own.”

But I liked the shadows, I thought with a small pout.

“Before you leave, I’ll give you a pamphlet that has locations and times around town for some group sessions. One or two may have survivors like you, but otherwise, it’s mostly just teens that need a group setting to make friends.”

I controlled my eye roll somehow. I didn’t want friends. I was doing fine on my own with just Dawn.

“Let's move on. How has your anxiety been the past week?”

Better

For the most part, there hadn’t been any attacks. Moments, but I made it through them.

“That’s good to hear. The offer of having a different type of meds to keep it under control is still on the table. You don’t have to be ashamed to seek out medical help for it. Extra stress won’t help you heal.”

The only healing left to do was mental, and I knew that was going to take more years than I wanted to count. But I knew the option was there. It’d been a few weeks since Dr. Shaw told me, but even then, I still didn’t want to take more than I needed.

Dr. Shaw knew my reasons. Too many times had I been drugged to service a client. Too many times had I been a sobbing mess that I puked over a man’s legs while he forced his dick down my throat.

I shook my head at her words, and forced the past to go back to that place.

“That's fine, too. I won’t force meds on you.”

***

For some reason, Dawn thought today was the perfect day to stop by the coffee shop, the same one I had first seen Jasper at. I didn’t bother to try to talk her out of it, because I knew if it wasn’t a slow calm café, then it’d be a busy store on a Friday afternoon.

I’d take the quieter option. Always.

My feet shuffled along the ground as I followed Dawn towards the door.

What I wanted was to just go home and take a long nap. I hated therapy days, as they always wore me out in a way that I didn’t much care for.

“Same as last time?” Dawn asked as we entered the place. The only thing different was that there wasn’t a large group of people today.

I nodded, and once Dawn made sure what I wanted, I found the table from last time, claiming it as ours.

I hoped that we could make this a fast trip. But Dawn was, and always would be, a people type of person. And I would forever keep being my quiet self who just wanted to stay in the peace and quiet of the country.

It didn’t take long for Dawn to get our drinks and take her seat. Thankfully, she knew after a session, I wasn’t the most social person. She’d be lucky if I followed along with whatever she was talking about.

Most of the time, my mind had enough, blocking out the rest of the world and only focusing on little things that crossed my path. Dr. Shaw had said it was just the way my mind tried to heal from the past, but it happened a lot when I was younger, too. So many times, my mind blanked out when someone was yelling at me, or wanting to hurt me.

A coping mechanism, I thought. Which made more sense than it just being me.

“Any plans for what you’d like to do tomorrow? I have no clients to show houses to. Sunday, I have an open house, though.”

I shook my head, wrapping my palms around the warm cup of hot cocoa. I’d be content to just do what I did every day.

“Alright,” Dawn sighed, probably knowing what was going through my mind. “I heard from Mrs. Lee that her grandkids are making as much progress as she had. Sounds like she had a lot of keepsakes.”

I lifted a shoulder. More like junk. Jasper had said about the same thing.

“Maybe we could help take some of it out to the dumpster that they have. Or at least keep Mrs. Lee some company.”

Again, I shrugged.

“I feel bad her own kids aren’t there helping,” Dawn mused between sips of her drink. “What do you think about those two boys? They’ve been by a few times to talk to you.”

If you counted yes or no questions as talking, sure. It didn’t mean they were going to become my friends. They’d both be gone by the end of summer and I’d likely never see either of them again.

I couldn’t keep having reactions to Jasper as I was, not when he had a girlfriend. I wasn’t going to mess up someone’s life when my own was already a mess. Even if my growing emotions, and another growing part of me, was getting stronger each time I saw him.

From the bit of research I did, and my gosh I hoped Dawn didn’t ever look up my search history, having the reaction to Jasper was normal. My body was still seventeen, despite the abuse I suffered. It’d react randomly to people at odd times. Normal hormones for a teenager to have when they are healthy.

It still didn’t help the humility about having a boner while in Jasper’s presence almost every time I saw him. Because first off, why him? Second, why a male? Why couldn’t I just be normal?

It’d make life so much easier.

“You don’t like them,” Dawn mused as she took in whatever expression I had. “It’ll take you a bit to get used to males, which is expected. But they won’t hurt you. Mrs. Lee wouldn’t dare let them help her if that was the case.”

If only she knew what my thoughts truly were. But it was easier to play along with her thinking to keep my own feelings covered up.

I knew I’d never have a relationship with someone I loved. I was ruined. It didn’t matter what gender, because I never saw myself healing enough to trust another soul like that.