Twisted Deceit (Deceit #3)

Chapter 45

“Good morning, Koda.”

Why was she so awake? It wasn’t a good morning, but there never was one.

“How are you today?”

I shot Dr. Shaw a look. I still wanted to be in bed. Not here first thing on a Monday morning.

I was pretty sure I still had sleep marks on my face to prove how early it was.

“I know, the first thing of the week is to see me, and you already want to leave. I want to leave just as much as you do, believe me. But we are both here for a reason. I’m to help, and you are to talk and tell me what troubles you today.”

“You.” I muttered. She was a trouble that was making me get up early. Actually, that was more Dawn’s fault than Dr. Shaw.

“Trying to find others to blame your emotions or actions on. Glad we are now on that stage. Anger is most likely there, too. But at least I got one word from you so far. That’s progress.”

I huffed, pulling my legs up closer to my chest. It was then I remembered I may have not let go of a stuffed animal. The first one that Jasper had given me was tucked against my chest. I wasn’t sure how I forgot I had brought it along.

I only remembered falling asleep with it tight in my grasp before Jasper had left me the night before. But had shown up this morning, dragging me out of bed.

Looking at my clothes, I was still in the same thing as last night, too.

“I’m assuming you know that Dawn called me yesterday to get you in so early. Before I normally see clients. So do you want to tell me what’s going on?”

Not really . I shrugged, pulling the stuffed animal to my face and breathing it in.

“Did Dawn come with you today?” I shook my head. “I hope you didn’t drive.”

“Jasper”

“Jasper? I must be missing a lot of important information. I don’t think you’ve ever mentioned him before.”

Because I hadn’t.Well, maybe like once I had. I couldn’t remember.

I waved towards the door, and the waiting area where he was waiting for me. Unlike Dawn, he didn’t want to wait in the car.

“Tell me about this Jasper, then?”

“I hate him.”

“Yet you still allowed him to drive you here today.”

I shrugged.

“Tell me more. Is he nice?”

“Makes me…feel.” I felt a lot of things I didn’t want to do.

“Feel safe? Scared? You know I want more answers than that.”

“Everything.” Scared I’d lose him again. When he held me, I was safe and warm. The world couldn’t get me if his arms were wrapped around me. But the pain of him leaving was still there, still too fresh.

I wiped away a tear before looking out towards the window.

“Can we be done now?”

“Soon. Tell me one thing Jasper has done to show you that he cares.”

I held up the stuffed animal a bit. “Got me this. Years ago.” I couldn’t remember why at the moment, but I knew he got it.

“How long have you known him?”

I had no clue. Three, four years? Did the two years where I didn’t know anything count? Or did that minus how long I knew Jasper?

“You said you hated him? Why is that?”

Why did she have to ask so many questions?

“He hurt me. Broke me.”

“Koda,” Dr. Shaw leaned forward, eyeing me. “If he’s hurting you, then why are you allowing him to drive you here? Or give you toys?”

“He left without saying anything. Took my heart with him.”

Dr. Shaw sat back, her look of worry changing to one of knowing.

“You don’t hate him at all, do you.”

I dropped my gaze to my toes. I’d rather not answer that. It was easier to hold on to that hate, knowing that feeling anything else would crush me further when my feelings weren’t returned.

“Do you think I could meet him? I’d like to hear his side of things, at least.”

I shrugged, not caring one bit what she wanted to do.

I was ready to go home and sleep the rest of the day.

Dr. Shaw stood, and called for the secretary to come talk to her for a moment. I didn’t pay attention to what was said. Moments later, she was back in her chair, the door opened a crack.

“Five more minutes, and then I’ll let you go until our next meeting.”

I nodded once. I could do that, maybe. Unless I fell asleep where I sat, which was a good possibility of happening.

Seconds later, Jasper entered the room and introduced himself. The two made small talk before he took a seat beside me on the small couch, which meant I could, and did, lean into him. Instantly, his arm wrapped around me, holding me to him.

“For someone who says they hate you,” Dr. Shaw started off, “Koda seems close to you.”

“I’m sure I should say something to that statement,” Jasper said slowly, choosing his words carefully, “but I have nothing. Koda is special. Not just as a person, but to me. I have a lot of work to show him that he can trust me again. I know I have my work cut out for me.”

“Koda?” I glanced up, tuning back into the conversation, not having realized I zoned out. “What did Jasper do to break the trust?”

I didn’t answer, only blinked her way before looking at Jasper. My limits for talking were low to begin with, and I reached that threshold.

“I left without saying anything for two years. But before that, Koda started pulling away. I’m not sure if something my friends said spooked him, or if he was trying to run from his feelings. Which was what I was going to talk to him about before life got crazy and things went downhill. Not just for me. But for him, too.”

“Do you plan to talk to him about that now?”

“Yes. I’m not sure it’ll be today, or in a week or month from now. I have to know he’s mentally stable before I touch on that subject.”

Truthfully, I was never mentally stable. But I didn’t think that was worth saying.

“Sounds like you know what you’re doing,” Dr. Shaw seemed pleased about that fact. “Koda is still keeping his regular appointment for later this week, but he’s free to go.”

Jasper thanked her before pulling away long enough to stand up, taking ahold of my hand and making sure I knew he was there. I kept my eyes down, letting him lead me back to the car. The stuffed animal stayed in my hold, even as he opened the car door, letting me in first. He waited to close it until I was buckled, and rounded to his side.

“Breakfast.”

I yawned in response, more than ready to go take a nap.

“Tell me if I overstep at any point. Use those colors, or sign them if need be. I’m going to keep following my gut on what to do.”

I nodded, twisting the bear’s ear between my fingers. As long as he kept talking, maybe all the thoughts that wanted to crash over me would stay floating around and not hit me face first.

“We’ll wait for the paint colors. Maybe this afternoon, if you’re up to it. Or later this week. I have the next two weeks off, and I plan to spend as much of that time hanging out with you as you’ll let me.”

He fell into silence after that until we reached a fast-food restaurant. Through the drive-through, Jasper ordered us both breakfast before paying and then headed back towards home.

I couldn’t stop yawning, but I wasn’t sure if that was better than crying for no reason.

I knew part of the reason was the sleeping pill, but it had done its job. I hadn’t woken up during the night. I hadn’t even woken up when Jasper left me, fast asleep, in my bed at some point. I only woke up when he came to pick me up, bed head and all.

Looking at him as opened the door to his house, I took a moment to admire the tattoos again. His arms were bare, and I couldn’t stop my fingers from tracing lightly along some of the lines.

Jasper jerked, muttering something about my touch tickling, before pulling me inside the house.

“I don’t have a table right now, and the kitchen is torn apart, so the living room to eat our food.”

It was a mess. Plastic covered the floor in places. Half painted walls in some spots. The kitchen was empty, no cupboards or counters. Not even boxes.

When did all this happen? I hadn’t seen people come and go, and there wasn’t a mess outside.

“When Grams passed away, she was determined to let me have the house. It was in the will and everything. And I had the rights to it. The papers were already in my name, even. Grams thought of everything,” Jasper explained, pulling me down beside him on the couch and began to dig out the food. “Yet, my parents are dicks and fought against it all. Took me to court and everything. They didn’t win, but they still tried to put the house on the market. Thankfully, it didn’t sell or I’d have lost something all over again.”

He handed me a muffin, still warm and soft and smelling delicious.

“My brother didn’t care, which wasn’t surprising. He’s off to college now, which is where I was for two years. Kind of. I was staying in the town he was going to, to make sure my parents didn’t try to pull more crap on him. Of course, he’s the golden child and all that. Anyways,” he took a long deep breath, then told me to eat. “While they decided to put up the house for sale, they also took everything out. Which isn’t a big deal. But by doing so, they destroyed some walls and piping. Which I had to fix. Now, since some of the walls were either damaged or down already, I’m opening the space up down here.”

I managed to eat half the muffin before passing it back to him, and then, because I could, I laid my head down on his leg, my own stretched out along the couch. The bear still clutched to my chest, as if it were a part of me.

“I have tons of work to do, and two weeks isn’t going to be nearly enough time off work to get even half of it done. But I want this house to be a place you feel safe and welcome in. I want to see you using my kitchen to cook your treats. A place to make new, better and happy memories. Not with just me, but with Asher and Noah. And maybe other friends.”

How could he see that far into the future? Why had so much hope for something that probably wouldn’t happen?

“But to make this place a space you’ll want to keep coming back to, I’d like your input.”

“Why?” I turned to lay on my back, looking up at him as he finished his own muffin. Or maybe it was my part. I wasn’t sure.

“I told you; I’m staying. I want to be a part of your life. I want you in my life, in any way I can have you. Friends. More? I want you to want to be here with me.”

More?

He couldn’t mean what I thought, did he?

I blinked, confused. He once said that he didn’t want me that way. He made it pretty clear too. Plus, I didn’t think I could have a relationship like Noah and Beckett and Asher did.

It was hard enough to get past friends with less than twenty-four hours of finally breaking down.

“First, one day at a time.” He ran a finger down the side of my face. “Everything else can wait for however long it takes. Heck, maybe I ruined my chances because I was a dick. Maybe all I should hope for is friends.”

“Friends?” Could I do that? Could my heart take that much, at least? Or would I forever be stuck in the friend zone, wishing for more?

Gosh, did I want more. I wanted it all. I wanted what he was offering me more than I ever wanted anything else.

I wanted to use a kitchen made for baking. I wanted to share a space with a man I had crushed hard on for so long. I wanted to have meals ready for him to enjoy at the end of the day.

But at what cost to me, would that be?

Would he turn me away again? Would I push him to the brink of having enough of me?