Undeniable You (Sapph in the City #4)

Chapter 6

Chapter Six

Larison

Friday had been rougher than I expected. Even with so much to fill my hours at the bookshop, I couldn’t stop wondering if Juniper was okay and if she was missing me. If she was angry with me for leaving her. Juniper had never been a super clingy kid, and I’d never had many issues dropping her off at daycare or preschool, but there was a first time for everything.

I’d uprooted her, again, and now I was abandoning her for a bookshop. Rationally, I knew that most of my worries were overblown and irrational, but that didn’t stop me from thinking that way.

As a result, I sent probably too many nervous messages to Jo, but she responded each time and usually included a picture or a video of my daughter that soothed my worries for a few minutes at least.

The bookshop was coming along. We’d finally gotten the right flooring, the toilet got fixed, and the electrical was done. Instead of getting generic shelves online, I’d visited another independent bookshop further up the coast and had loved the beautiful custom shelves in the shop. The owner had found me admiring them and said her wife had built them and would be happy to make them for me as well. I’d barely even looked at how much they were going to cost. I’d cut corners somewhere else. My shop was going to have beautiful handmade shelves.

Once they finally got installed, things would really feel like they were coming together. I’d also hired a local artist to do several murals on the walls and the bathroom and behind the checkout area. I’d found this gorgeous old desk that I’d had raised for the checkout counter and had the point of sale system ready to install. There were five thousand other things I still needed to do, but we were on track to open in a month and a half. It wasn’t ideal timing, but I didn’t want to wait, and I couldn’t make it happen any sooner.

It was overwhelming and some days I expected someone to burst into the shop and say “hey, you’re not allowed to do that!” and shut everything down. Another irrational fear, but it kept coming up.

Even though I was in the middle of a bunch of things at the shop, I rushed back to Juniper. I didn’t want to be late. Didn’t want her to wonder if I’d forgotten about her.

Of course, when I opened the door, she was fine. Happy and fed and she’d had a lovely day with Jo. No disasters. I’d had to hug her hard so Jo wouldn’t see me shaking with relief.

Once I’d gotten over my mom guilt and my relief that my daughter was in one piece, that attraction to Jo had come rushing back.

She was gorgeous today, with her curly hair pulled back to showcase her face.

But then she’d sort of…run away, and I hoped it wasn’t something I’d said or done. I hadn’t been staring too much, had I? Losing my nanny because I’d been creeping on her wasn’t something I wanted to happen, so I’d really have to stop looking at her so much. Or at least looking at her as if I was picturing her naked.

Something I definitely hadn’t done in the days since I’d hired her. Especially not late at night when I couldn’t sleep and when my horniest thoughts roamed free and unencumbered.

That was definitely something that couldn’t continue.

But then on Friday night after I’d put Juniper to bed, I was laying in my own and reading a sexy book that was giving me sexy feelings and before I knew it, I was wondering what my nanny looked like naked like some ancient lecher.

No matter what I did, I couldn’t get her out of my mind and I knew if I didn’t do something with all of this energy, it was going to keep me up, so I snuck my hand under my pajama shorts and quickly rubbed one out. Horror set in just after I came as I realized that I definitely shouldn’t have been thinking about Jo when I’d been doing that.

Fucking hell. I was a bad person.

Feeling disgusted with myself, I tiptoed to the bathroom and washed my hands before going back to bed and doing my best to fall asleep.

“Mamaaaaaa,” a voice said in my ear way too early. Like every other day. My daughter loved to rise with the dawn, and it was rough when I’d only gotten a few hours of sleep, but I was used to that. Even though I’d been living with my moms when Juniper was born, I had never been so tired in my life. It was a miracle I’d managed to function during that time. One bad night of sleep wasn’t going to break me.

“Good morning my love,” I said, my voice rough. Juniper snuggled in with me for a while before she begged me for breakfast. I couldn’t wait until she was old enough to cook for herself. Still, I’d probably stress about her burning herself or setting the kitchen on fire. A mother’s worrying was never done.

Juniper requested french toast with cinnamon apples, which I yawned all the way through making, but it turned out delicious. I’d even drizzled a little bit of caramel on top for a special finish.

It took two cups of coffee before I was ready to face the day.

We needed groceries, but Juniper begged to go to the beach, and I caved. We’d stop on the way back. I packed our bags and found our swimsuits and filled a cooler with sandwiches and snacks and drinks.

Juniper and I sang songs at the top of our lungs as I drove the fifteen minutes to the closest beach. It was going to be packed, but that was okay.

Juniper was a good sport and helped me haul the collapsible wagon that I’d brought with us across the sand.

We managed to find a spot and Juniper only put up a little bit of a fight when I covered her in sunblock before letting her race down the sand to search for shells. I pulled off my loose dress and followed her, bringing the pail so she had something to carry her treasures in.

Juniper managed to fill the pail in only a few minutes with rocks and shells and bits of driftwood.

“You think we’ve got enough?” I asked, dragging the now heavy pail. When I’d gotten pregnant, I hadn’t known how much of my time would be spent being a pack mule.

Juniper looked into the pail and sighed. “I guess. But there are so many good ones.”

“We’ll be back again, don’t worry.” She let me drag her back to our spot and set the pail down.

“Ready to swim?”

With a scream, she ran toward the waves and threw herself in with reckless abandon. I was right behind her, moving with a little bit more caution and knowledge that the water was cold, even in the summer.

Juniper had had baby swim lessons and more when she as a toddler, so I wasn’t that worried about her. She also knew what to do in the event of a riptide, but I was always right here with her. Just in case.

Juniper and I body surfed the waves and floated on our backs and splashed each other. I also let her climb onto my back as I waded into the deeper water.

“Mama, can I be a mermaid?” she asked me.

“You can be whatever you want, baby,” I told her. “Whether that’s a mermaid or anything else. I’ll always love you, no matter what.” I never wanted my daughter to feel like she couldn’t tell me something. No matter what it was.

“I wanna be a mermaid.”

“Then you’ll be a mermaid.”

We dragged our waterlogged bodies out of the ocean and had lunch together before Juniper wanted to race along the sand. I followed behind her and watched as she ran in and out of the waves and chased the seagulls.

She stopped near two kids building a sandcastle and I watched as she just started talking to them and making friends. Sometimes I worried about her not having enough friends her age now that we’d moved and she wasn’t in school, but my daughter made friends everywhere she went.

I stopped too and chatted with the two little boys before Juniper decided that we had to make a sandcastle ourselves and had to go back and do that right away.

Desperate for a few moments to sit still, I told Juniper she should make the castle herself and I’d watch. She seemed fine with that and set to work while I sat on our beach blanket and pulled a sandy paperback out of my bag that I’d started reading during our last beach trip. I’d marked my place, but I’d completely forgotten everything about the story, so I just started over again.

Every page or so I flicked my eyes up to Juniper, who was well-versed in sandcastle construction, so she already had a good foundation going.

If I let myself, I could have fallen asleep right there. Juniper had mostly given up on naps, but every now and then she would crash at the beach and I’d take my opportunity to rest with her.

As much as I tried to keep my focus on the book and my daughter, I couldn’t help but wonder what Jo was doing today. Sophie and Reid had gone on a hike, so maybe she was with them? They invited me and Juniper sometimes, but it was hard with Juniper being so young. She wasn’t up to longer hikes and it was hard when she hit her limit and we had to turn around and go back. Sometimes we all had to carry her back, which she enjoyed, but wasn’t ideal.

If she wasn’t with Reid and Sophie, what would she be doing? Perhaps she’d gone to the farmers’ market, or the strange used bookstore in the city, or stayed home and cleaned her apartment.

It was getting late once Juniper had finished her sandcastle masterpiece and I took plenty of shots of it on my phone, along with video, and told Juniper it was time to get going. I shook out as much sand as I could while Juniper tossed everything in the wagon, and we dragged it back along the sand to the car.

Juniper was contemplative on the way back and didn’t give me too much fuss as I grabbed what we needed at the grocery store. It was a relief she didn’t fight me in the cereal aisle. She was drowsy as I did my best to carry everything upstairs in one trip. I’d gotten almost everything and was annoyed that I’d have to make another trip.

I’d also have to clean up all the sand we tracked everywhere, but that was the price you paid for going to the beach. Sometimes you brought a little bit of it back with you.

The rest of the night was quiet after I got Juniper in the bath, threw a frozen pasta and chicken dinner in a pan, made a side salad and garlic bread, and then settled Juniper into bed early because she couldn’t keep her eyes open anymore.

Six years ago, my Saturday nights looked very different, I mused to myself as I brushed my hair out after my shower. It wasn’t even nine yet and I was already thinking wistfully of my bed.

If I’d still lived with my parents, they would have watched Juniper so I could go out, but it was always disappointing.

Either I’d see someone and share an attraction and get too in my head about the consequences of a hookup, or someone would act like they wanted more than just a hookup and I knew that the little girl sleeping at home was probably a dealbreaker. There weren’t a ton of people my age or even a few years older that wanted to sign up for a single mom.

Most of the time I just told them I wasn’t looking or wasn’t interested to stave off the inevitable rejection.

Sophie always told me I was sabotaging myself, but I couldn’t help it. If the choice was between dating and my daughter, I was choosing the latter.

Someday, when Juniper was older, I’d try again.