Utah (Knights Corruption MC: Laredo #4)

Chapter 22

22

After dropping Utah off at the clubhouse, I went straight home. I barely focused on the road in front of me, too consumed with the overwhelming dread that held me captive. Nothing good could possibly come from him going to Mexico to meet with a cartel—the same cartel that killed Crash right in front of him. If I knew anything about the father of my unborn child, it was that while Utah was reserved and quiet, he could fly off the handle as quickly as I could, which wasn’t a great trait. There was no way he’d be able to keep a level head, not with the amount of guilt he carried over Crash’s death. He didn’t admit as much to me, but I could tell. Any person with two eyes could see how much he was suffering.

I noticed he was more irritable these past few days, but I chalked that up to everything he’d been through. Hell, my mood switched from hot to cold and back again, so who was I to call him out for feeling any type of way? I didn’t like how many pills he’d been taking, but I wasn’t the one recovering from being stabbed. I had my own issues to worry about—growing a human first and foremost—but there was also the uncomfortable situation between me and Will .

I called in sick for my shift later today. There was no way I could deal with Will on top of being on edge waiting to hear from Utah. I’d be of no use to anyone. And because I wasn’t on the schedule for the next couple days, I’d have time to focus on what I needed to, mainly keeping my nerves in check until he came home.

The front door opened, and Evie walked in, looking exhausted.

“Rough day?” I asked, curling my legs beneath me on the couch and muting the television.

“Two people called off, and I swear everyone in town needed their medication today. It was crazy busy.” She plopped down next to me and kicked off her shoes. “Did you eat? I’m starving.”

“Not yet. Mom made pot roast. It’s in the kitchen.”

“I love that she still wants to cook for us.”

“Me too, since neither one of us is any good in the kitchen.”

“You’re gonna have to learn how to cook something for that baby,” she said, patting my belly.

“Or I’ll make Utah do it,” I joked, but the mere mention of his name made my eyes well for the tenth time today.

“What’s the matter?” Evie shuffled closer and put her hand on mine. “Is he not a good cook either?”

I laughed, thankful to my sister for distracting me for a moment. “No, it’s not that. He’s actually a pretty good cook. It’s just… I don’t… I don’t know what’s going on with us.”

“Other than you’re crazy about each other and you’re having a kid together. Yeah, I can see how that’s confusing.”

I gently smacked her leg. “You’re not funny.”

“I beg to differ. Ben thinks I’m hysterical.”

I was relieved to talk about something other than my drama, so I dove headfirst into my curiosity.

“Who’s Ben? ”

A mischievous smile played on her lips. “Just someone who’s come into the pharmacy a couple times.”

“Is that right? What kind of meds is he picking up?”

“His grandma’s prescription.”

“I guess that’s okay,” I jested.

She fiddled with the hem of her cream-colored shirt, seemingly contemplating telling me something. I remained quiet as she internally worked out whatever it was she needed.

“He asked me out, but I’m not sure I wanna go.”

“Why?”

I felt her sigh as if I’d released it myself. “After everything that happened with Ted, I don’t think I’m ready to date anyone.”

Evie ended her relationship with her ex eight months ago. They’d been together for two years prior. On the surface, Ted seemed to be the perfect guy for her, always going out of his way to do little things to show how much he loved her. She’d get flowers randomly throughout the month and tickets to her favorite artists’ concerts. He’d taken care of her car whenever there was an issue. He’d even brought her chocolate and donuts the week of her period. He appeared to be in tune with my sister.

We all thought he was the one. Until one night when a girl’s name flashed across the screen of his phone. Upon some light investigation, Evie discovered he’d been cheating on her for almost five months. And it wasn’t just with one person. I told her to get rid of him, but he somehow managed to convince her to take him back, promising he'd never do it again. But after the third time that she’d caught him, she’d had enough. And that time, he knew she was really done. They’d gotten into an argument, and he slapped her before shoving her into the wall, where she hit her head. Ted left quickly afterward, but Knox had stopped over twenty minutes later, and he saw the redness on her cheek. She didn’t lie about what happened, and our brother went after Ted, found him at a local bar, and almost put him in the hospital. It was Utah who finally pulled my brother off the guy. Thankfully, there were no charges pressed. I believed Ted feared Knox, as he should have.

Recently, Ted had been texting Evie, but she ignored him. He eventually stopped, but not before stirring up some delicate emotions in my sister. He was her first love, after all.

“Don’t let what happened with that jackass deter you from finding happiness,” I said. “It’s true there are a lot of jerks out there, but there are also some really nice guys.”

“I thought Ted was nice until he wasn’t. What if the next guy fools me too?”

There were warning signs with some guys, but some made it an art form to hide their true intentions, so I understood her reservation.

“You have to trust in yourself that if someone dogs you again, you’ll be okay. I know that’s probably not the best answer, but it’s the most honest one I have.”

“It just sucks being so unsure.”

“I know.”

“No, you don’t,” she replied, scrunching her face in faux annoyance. “You have a great guy, one who is sticking around for his kid and wants to take care of you, but you keep pushing him away.”

Her accusations stirred up a wave of anger in me because the situation wasn’t that cut-and-dry. Far from it. I angled my body toward her, whatever sympathetic expression I wore melting away.

“First off, you have no idea what you’re talking about. Things between me and Utah are complicated to say the least. He’s hotheaded and stubborn.”

“So are you.”

“We argue a lot.”

“About? ”

“About everything.”

“Such as?”

“You’re a pain in the ass, you know that?” She smiled as she nodded. “What do we argue about?” I mumbled to myself, trying to think of certain examples.

The main cause of some of our disagreements in the past had been fueled by the stress of keeping our relationship a secret. To be fair, the word relationship didn’t quite fit. I hadn’t known what we were, other than being horny for each other.

There were times I truly believed he was only looking for a casual fling, and depending on my mood, that singular expectation bothered me. But then there were occasions when I thought perhaps all I wanted was a hook up and nothing more.

His bouts of jealousy would surface sometimes, mostly while he visited me at work. Whenever those occurrences happened, I remembered thinking that a guy who just wanted to have sex occasionally didn’t get that jealous. It was that same jealousy that made me hesitant in starting anything real with him, had the opportunity ever presented itself. Perhaps it could’ve, but I’d been so confused about us most of the time that I didn’t pay enough attention to notice such a possibility.

“I’m waiting.”

“You want specifics?” I asked rhetorically because I knew she did. “Well, we argued about him being closed off. Getting any kind of information about his past was frustrating. I was shocked he actually told me about him being a foster care kid. And at times, it seemed like he didn’t want to know much about me, as if he was only interested in hooking up. Whenever I brought up past relationships, his or mine, he’d get upset and shut down the conversation. I just wanted to know if he’d ever been in love or what his longest relationship was, and he’d skirt around the questions. And don’t get me started on his jealous outbursts. I almost got fired one time because he shoved some guy who got handsy with me. ”

“You’re complaining that he protected you from some drunk asshole?”

“Okay, maybe that’s not a good example. But he… he’s just so… frustrating. And now that I’m pregnant, he keeps asking me to quit my job, telling me he’ll take care of me. But I don’t want that. I don’t want to have to depend on him, especially since we haven’t even classified what this is between us.”

“Do you want there to be more between you? Do you want to be in a relationship with him?” Evie’s next question came out in a singsong tone. “Do you want Utah to be your boyfriend?”

“You’re too mature for your own good,” I sarcastically replied without answering her.

She tossed a throw pillow at me and laughed. “Okay, let me ask you this. Seriously.”

I groaned. “Can’t wait.”

“Do you love him?”

I parted my lips to answer, but the thing was, I’d been teetering between yes and no for weeks now. I didn’t want to blame my hormones for the surge of affection I held toward him because I wasn’t sure if those feelings were a hundred percent real. I was terrified when I heard he’d almost been killed. I cared deeply for him. I desired him. But did I love him?

The ideal answer would be yes. We were having a baby together, after all.

“It’s not that hard a question, Ria.”

“It’s not an easy one either.”

“Okay. I’ll give you that. So then answer me this. Can you picture your life without Utah in it? How would you feel if he got with someone else? How would you feel if he died?”

“I don’t even want to think about that question. It’s too upsetting.”

“Which one?”

Silence stole my voice for a moment as I tried to calm the sudden and erratic rush of blood in my veins. A warmth caressed my skin, and my eyes welled yet again.

“All of them,” I finally answered.

“You love him.”

I didn’t argue because my younger sister was probably right.