Vengeful Secret (The Burkes Mafia #3)

6. Gray

6

GRAY

I follow Sutton out into the bar, watching her disappear into the night. My stomach is in knots, my heart aching.

I have to admit, I’m surprised. I thought I’d buried these feelings deeper, thought one night wouldn’t bring them back up again. I thought the past was in the past, but tonight has only proven that the past and the present are always closer than you think.

I make a quick phone call, and a black Escalade pulls up to the corner as I stand at the door of the bar. I walk out into the night, sliding into the backseat, and the driver nods back at me. I don’t respond. I’d rather have him think I’m stone-drunk than as heartbroken as I am.

The cool air does nothing to soothe the combination of anger and hurt swirling around inside me. I hate the way it feels, to be in love, to be rejected. Especially since I hadn’t even known I wanted to try again with Sutton until I met her again tonight.

Why did she reject me, after all? Because of her daughter? Because she thinks I can’t keep them safe? God, maybe she’s right. It’s not like I was able to keep my father safe, or Paige.

Depression settles over me like a wave and when I arrive at home, I throw cash in the front seat and instantly exit the car, heading inside and straight down to the gym.

I tell myself I want to work the alcohol out of my system, but really, I think I’m just punishing myself. Punishing myself because Sutton doesn’t want to try again. Punishing myself because I can’t think of a reason why she should want to.

Everyone’s dead asleep, of course, so I don’t have to worry about anyone hearing me grunt out my frustrations with the barbells and dumbbells downstairs.

I start out with cardio, getting on the treadmill with my earbuds in and running to the sound of rock music. My feet pound on the belt with each beat of the music.

I’m sweating quickly at the pace I’ve set, my heart pounding, but I don’t care. I keep running, as if I can run away from my responsibilities, away from everything that’s holding me down. There’s so much weight on my shoulders, it’s a wonder it doesn’t bring me to my knees.,

I jump off after my heart rate gets dangerously high, needing to throw something around, needing the weight in my hands, the burn in my palms and in my biceps.

When I’m almost exhausted from lifting, I head over to the punching bag, hitting it over and over again, the fast bag, so that each punch throws the bag back into my face, nearly hitting me.

It’s like a game, dodging it, punching the bag until my biceps and forearms ache and burn and scream.

Usually, I pretend I’m fighting some faceless enemy. A Murphy, most likely, or another one of our rival clans. This time, I picture my own face and punch my shadow self over and over until I’m panting and sweating.

I don’t know how long I spend down there, but by the time I’m finished, my muscles don’t seem to work. I’ve worked myself out to failure, and I can barely lift my arms above my head to take off my sweaty button-up shirt.

I plan to work out more, but in the end, I can’t, my muscles won’t cooperate, and I call my best friend, Thomas, knowing he’ll be up. He works nights for me and my father, keeping an eye on potential shipments and all our warehouses.

He answers right away. “Boss?”

Just being called that makes me want to cringe, hating that I’ve taken this on, hating that I’ve had to. I want my father to be “boss,” not me.

“Just wanted a progress update.”

What I really want is to spill about Sutton, to tell him that we’ve reconnected, to tell him how much she hurt me just in the span of a few hours. But I can’t really trust myself to do that.

I want to keep things with Sutton under wraps, because having matters of the heart fuck me up the way it did doesn’t really make for an intimidating leader.

In the end, I talk only about work.

“Shipments all on time. There’s no one near any of the warehouses, not since we changed locations.”

“No sign of Murphy?”

“None at all.” He pauses. “You know I’d call you if there were, Gray.”

“Sure, sure, I know.”

“Why are you calling me so late, anyway?”

“Went out with Declan.”

“You can’t sleep, can you?”

He knows me all too well.

I take a breath. “No, I really can’t. It’s just... Da, you know? I can’t help thinking about how strange all of this is, how I’m the one you’re calling boss.”

“Aw, Gray, I’m sorry, it just... it’s like habit, you know?”

“I know.”

He doesn’t mean any harm by it, and he doesn’t think my father is any less the boss than he did before. It doesn’t mean he thinks I’ve taken over completely, it’s just an easy way to show respect.

But it’s weird, coming from Thomas O’Malley, the boy I’d played racquetball with all during high school. Hell, he’d cried on my shoulder when his first girlfriend cheated on him with the head of the football team, and he’d laughed so hard when I keyed said football star’s car that he’d nearly pissed himself.

I’m not his boss, and I don’t want to be.

I’m used to feeling in control, and with everything that’s happened recently to my family and now this with Sutton, I feel helpless. Useless. I haven’t been able to prevent any of it, and with Sutton, I’d even stupidly gotten involved where I didn’t have to.

Feeling helpless is the worst feeling in the world to me, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’d like to say it was making me feel better to talk to Thomas, but really, I’m feeling just as gutted as I did before.

“How’s he doing, your da?”

“Fine. Better every day.”

I’ve said that same phrase a hundred times over the last few weeks.

It’s true, Da's cardiac rehab is going great, and he’s been able to move back into the house, but he’s still a shell of his former self. He’s in a hospital bed with a heart monitor and an IV. It’s not like he can even stand up.

Marisol has taken over taking care of him because Da refuses to deal with a nurse every day.

“It has to be hard, seeing your Da like that.”

“He’s not helpless.” But I know better. He’s just as helpless as I am, if not more so because he’s vulnerable to attack.

But even if Thomas O’Malley is my best friend, I can’t admit that to him. He’s still part of the Burke clan, and I can’t even reveal to our own men how bad things are. As far as they know, I’m acting boss only for a couple more weeks.

“No, of course not,” Thomas says quickly, as if he may anger me. And maybe, any other day, when I’m not emotionally and physically exhausted, it might have angered me. As it stands right now, though, I don’t think anything can make me mad.

Most of what I’m feeling is tired. Tired and hurt, and it’s Sutton along with everything else.

Nothing seems real these days, nothing seems solid, and if there was one thing I could count on before, it was that the Burke family was solid.

Right now, we feel fractured, and I hate that feeling more than even feeling helpless, I think.

After what happened with Da and then right after, Paige’s kidnapping and rescue, we’ve all been reeling.

Murphy’s doing a number on our family, and I can’t help but think it all stems from Declan’s marriage to Murphy’s daughter, Bree.

It’s not like I blame Declan, though. I can’t blame anyone for falling in love. God knows I lost my head when I fell in love with Sutton five years ago.

I find myself wishing I’d been able to talk to Declan more, been able to open up, but he has his own responsibilities now. He has his own family, apart from us, and it feels like everything is slipping away. Declan, Kael, Paige...

Maybe I’m bitter because I once wanted that with Sutton. Maybe I’m bitter because I still do and tonight proves that.

And she was so close, in my arms. I was inside her, but she still seems so far away.

She rejected me, told me in no uncertain terms that she’s no longer interested in what I have to offer.

And what do I have to offer, anyway? A life of uncertainty? A relationship in which I can’t even announce that we’re together because she'll be a target?

“Gray, listen, if you need to talk....”

I’ve been silent on the line too long. “I don’t even know what to talk about.” I draw in a shaking breath through my nostrils. “It’s just been a lot, all of this with Da and then Paige…”

“But they're safe now. You’re keeping them safe.”

Am I?

“Thanks, Tommy. I’m sorry to dump on you.”

“Hey, I was your best friend a long time before I was your employee. You can always talk to me.” He pauses. “And you seem like you do need to talk. Call me anytime, okay?”

My chest swells with affection for him.

“I appreciate you, man. Call me if anything changes.”

“Will do.”

I hang up the phone and look down at it for a long moment, half-wishing I had Sutton’s number and half-grateful that I don’t. What would I even say?

I’m still in love with you. Don’t leave me again.

Pathetic.

My muscles burning and aching, I think about how I never should have approached her, how I should have kept my feelings to myself. But what good has that ever done me?

I always put on this face to the outside world—Gray has it together. Gray’s just fine.

But I’m not, and I haven’t been for a while now. Maybe ever since Sutton and I split.

I want her back. I know that now as well as I know my own name, and I need her to understand that I’ll keep her safe. Her and her daughter. Whatever it takes.

Resolve flows through me as I sit there, staring down at the blank screen of my phone.

I’m going to talk to her. Get her back. Because Sutton deserves to be happy, and I know that I can make her happy. I know that we belong to each other, and that’s all that matters.

Maybe she’ll reject me again. Maybe it’ll turn out that it doesn’t work between us anymore. But at least then I’ll have closure.

No matter how this shakes out, I have to try.

As I start to think of the next few steps to get my girl back, I head to the shower, sweat thick and tacky across my skin.

Sutton is first and foremost in my mind, but that’s not unusual. She’s haunted my thoughts ever since the day she left me.

I undress and the hot water beats down on my back and shoulders, making my muscles relax. I moan, breathing hard under the spray.

Sutton.

Her big eyes. Her hair, shorter now, in a sexy bob instead of bouncing down her back. It makes her look a little more mature, but in a good way. Her body under my hands, thicker now, with more softness around the hips and belly.

My moan turns from relief to lust as I take a step back from the showerhead. I take myself in hand, shuddering out a breath.

Sutton .

Her smile, the way she did it against my mouth when I kissed her at the bar. Her small hand, clutching at my shirt, fumbling with my belt buckle.

She wanted it just as much as I did, and as soon as we’d kissed, every feeling I had for her came rushing back.

Every moment we spent together meant something to me, every kiss, every time we made love. I’ve never felt like that with anyone before or after Sutton. She’s the only one.

So, it’s also not unusual that when I start to pump my fist, it’s Sutton that I’m thinking about. The hitching gasps she‘d made as I slid into her, how velvety hot she was.

My fist moves faster and faster, my chest heaving as I get close.

Sutton.

I don‘t realize that I’ve said her name out loud until I spill onto the shower wall and the sound echoes off the tile.

I smirk a little, wondering what Sutton would think if she knew that most of the times that I touched myself, I thought of her.

I’ve made my decision now. I go after what I want, and what I want is Sutton McIntyre.