Wasted Time (The Steel City #1)

16. Penny

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

penny

I stare at the phone, stare at his name floating on the screen as the Uber turns onto Avery’s Street.

Regret washes over me, but I’m not sure what I regret. The sex? I should, but I’m not there yet. Ignoring him? Maybe a bit. Crossing lines that shouldn’t have been crossed? Totally. The guilt of doing something I’m allowed to do? That’s the worst of it. But the sting of betrayal hurts, too.

He should have told me.

I can understand why he didn’t. I was in no place to receive that news last night. He was trying to protect me. It’s why he took me away from the party and kept me from it for the rest of the night.He did what was best, not what was right.

One, it would have killed me to walk into a surprise engagement party after my heart and future were just violently ripped from me, and two, it would have killed Avery to have to worry about me on the happiest day of her life.

I let out a breath when Declan’s name vanishes, being replaced by a missed call badge.

He’s texted four times, but I can’t bring myself to look at them. I’m irrationally angry, and I don’t know at what, or at who. I feel sick to my stomach, and I can’t quite pinpoint why. It’s like I get knocked down and find the will to stand back up and then get wiped off my feet again.

For some reason, the thought of seeing him right now, or even talking to him, makes me want to cry.

What is wrong with me?

He leaves in a couple of days. That should ease my panic, but it doesn’t. It doesn’t feel right if he stays after what happened last night, and it doesn’t feel right if he goes, either. My brain is still frazzled from the way my life imploded, and my heart is now officially obliterated.

I brush tears from my face, thinking about every single thing that happened yesterday, with and without Declan. I can’t handle what happened between us on top of everything else. Not right now.Not when I’m barely standing.

What did I do?

Call me a coward. I don’t care.

Last night should have never happened and it can never happen again. I shouldn’t have crawled into someone else’s bed so soon. I’m so stupid. Doing that never fixes anything, it just creates more damage.

It’s not Declan’s fault. It’s my mistake, and I own that. But I can’t make that mistake again. I’m not a woman who is whole right now, and that’s not fair to anyone. Not to him, and not to myself.

It hurt more than words can convey to see Avery’s ring on social media this morning.

She tried so hard to tell me first. All of those missed calls that went unanswered were her attempts to tell her best friend the biggest news in her world. She can’t keep her own secrets, so seeing her post with her cheesy caption this morning, that giant oval-cut ring glimmering in the light—I know it must have killed her to wait over twelve hours to share the news while she tried to get a hold of me.

Best friend card revoked. I suck.

But that wasn’t the only reason I’d left that warm, comfortable hotel bed. I had woken up wrapped up in Declan. He hadn’t let me go all night. He was all I could feel, all I could smell and taste. He was everywhere, and I wanted to latch onto it and burrow myself in the covers with him until he had to leave because it felt comfortable, and it felt safe.

He was fast asleep, head facing the window, even with his hand still on my skin. I was so grateful that I couldn’t see how peaceful he looked. It made it easier to leave. The longer I laid awake, the worse the feeling in my chest grew. Heavy and foreboding. Before I even opened my phone, I was a flight risk. Thoughts, bad ones, started trickling in like a poisonous gas.

He was going to be able to move past this like nothing happened, and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to do that. Not after last night. I gave him something in that hotel room that I hadn’t meant to. He was going to get up, flash me a smile and make a joke or two and I was going to dwell on it—on him. Because I’m all sorts of fucked up right now.

That was one of the greatest nights of my life. How fucked up is that? It was the worst night of my life until Declan showed up and fixed it. If he rolled over and there was distance between us, or worse—if he was ready to go on being friends and act like it was nothing, I think I would lose the last string of sanity I had left.

He’d do it. He did it with Tiffany.

Plus, as much as I tell myself I did nothing wrong, a part of me feels like I betrayed Gavin. Even though he’s hurt me beyond comparison, it doesn’t make me feel any better by hurting him back just as quickly. My side of the bed isn’t even cold yet .

I had to leave. I couldn’t have another conversation with a man that doesn’t want me in the same twenty-four hours as the last.

One day ago, Declan had been erased from my life. I had scolded him for crossing my boundaries. Then I sleep with him? What is wrong with me? Something terrible, I bet. I should see a doctor.

I might have cut him out because I was angry, but this is a different level of messed up. I slept with one of my best friends. That has the potential to destroy our relationship entirely, more than cropping him out of photographs and unfollowing him on social media could ever do. This can cause the permanent type of damage, the type that you can’t come back from even if you want to.

Declan gets on my nerves, sure. He is stubborn and aggressive and horribly invasive, but Declan is a piece of home. He feels like home. He’s charming, kind, and ridiculously loyal. He’s so many things wrapped up in a smug, entirely too good looking, frame. I learned quickly last night that even if I tried my hardest, he would always be there. He is in my orbit, always hovering, always close enough to reach if needed.

That is a very, very good reason not to sleep with someone. That is the type of relationship that you shouldn’t ruin because you’re sad and horny and want to feel anything besides the pain coursing through your chest.

Gavin broke me.

If I lost Declan, it would destroy me.

If he pulled away from me, if he acted differently the moment he opened his eyes, I wouldn’t have been able to handle it. I am not sure how I would have needed him to react. I don’t think there is a right answer.

That’s why I left.

This rollercoaster ride that we are both stuck on is starting to make me sick, and it seems like we finally reached the top of the track and are about to plummet. After such a high, an awful, sickening low is on the horizon.

I just couldn’t bring myself to stay and face it.

There was no conversation that could have been had this morning that would have been the right conversation. There was no way to bridge the gap between our fight that lasted over a year, to waking up tangled in each other after one evening of pain and heavy drinking.

There was no possible way that we woke up and neither of us got our feelings hurt.

Then I opened my phone and the last piece of my heart that was still intact was put into the shredder.

Which leads me here. Showered, clean of Declan’s fingers, mouth, and smell, waltzing up Avery’s front steps with a new bottle of wine in my hands.

My Uber driver pulls away from the curb and I suck in a shaky breath.

I knock three times and I wait, holding that breath the whole time. I tell myself repeatedly that I need to force the biggest smile I can muster, even though I feel like I’m dying inside.

This isn’t about me.

This isn’t about the fact that she and Seth have been together four years, and she has a big ol’ ring on her finger, while I spent nearly a decade wondering if my boyfriend loved me enough to ever put one on mine.

It isn’t Avery’s fault that I’m insecure, sad, and so horribly broken I don’t think I’ll ever feel like a whole person again. It’s not her fault that she’s happy and I only pretended to be. That’s on me.

The door swings open.

Two things happen at once .

Avery drops the mug of coffee she’s holding, and it shatters on the floor by her feet, and she screams so loud that the birds in the neighbouring trees take flight.

Then, she’s catapulting herself across the entryway, jumping directly into my arms. She flings her legs around my waist, trusting me to catch her.

And I do.

Because I always will.

I hug her just as tightly as she’s squeezing me. Tighter, probably, because I feel like I’m about to lose it and having her arms around me is a safe haven.

She’s sobbing, I can hear it in my ear. I screw my eyes shut, willing myself to keep it together. Holding the wine bottle against her back, I immerse myself in the smell of her and remind myself that I am loved.

It’s proven through her.

I breathe in again. Deeper. Warm vanilla, always. Warmth and sweetness and love.

I try my best not to drop her as I guide us toward the door. Seth walks through the hall toward us now, a dish towel hung over his shoulder. He meets my eyes, a look of knowing brewing there, and dips his chin once.

I swallow, uneasiness trickling over me. He says nothing. He just reaches forward to take the wine from my hand so that I can properly hug my best friend.

When I finally lower her to the floor, I pull back to look at her. Tears stain her cheeks, and her brown eyes are big and wide and staring at me in disbelief. She looks at me like I’m the greatest friend in the world and I didn’t answer a single one of her calls last night.

Emotion claws at my throat. I clear it before it manages to escape.

“So? Let’s see it. ”

Avery lets out another squeal, running on the spot as she thrusts her hand toward me. I take her fingers in mine, examining the rock that I’ve already seen plastered on social media. It’s beautiful. It’s Avery. Bright, bold, and makes a statement.

Despite my sadness, my heart swells for her.

“That boy did good,” I say with a nod of approval.

She sputters a cough, wiping her nose with her sleeve. “Didn’t he? He peeked through my Pinterest board. He said this one felt like me.”

And it does.

Seth loves her, and Seth knows her. He went through her damn Pinterest board, a thing that men typically don’t even know about, and found a ring that reminded him of his girlfriend to make sure he would get her something she liked.

I reach down to cup Avery’s wet cheeks in my hands. The tears in my eyes have nothing to do with my own issues, and everything to do with finally seeing her get everything she’s ever wanted. I’ve never known a heart so deserving.

“I am so happy for you, Ave,” I whisper, my voice breaking.

Her bottom lip wobbles. “I wanted you here so badly.”

I step aside to allow Seth to pass with a broom and dustpan to clean the broken mug. He can’t meet my eyes. I can smell his guilt.

My heart cracks, but I pull her into another hug anyway. The thought has gnawed at me since I first saw the picture. Why hadn’t I been invited to the biggest moment in my best friend’s life? What the hell did I do to deserve being forgotten about? To be left out?

If Seth had sent me a text and said this was happening, I would have shown up in a heartbeat. Avery might have been suspicious if I sauntered through the door for my first Friendsgiving, but there were ways around that.

I would have snuck in at the last second, before she realized I was here. I would have hidden in a closet until the moment he asked. I could have even been here on video call, at the very least.

Even that doesn’t sit right with me.

I would have been here.

Seth scurries past us again, not once looking our way.

I push the thought out of my mind.

This might be the hurt that pushes me over the edge.

“Come in. Seth is making cinnamon buns.” She gathers my hand in hers and tugs me through the doorway. “It makes so much sense now. He knew you were coming, right?”

My stomach churns. I don’t want to lie to her.

I kick off my shoes, never letting go of Avery’s hand. Her wild, dark eyes flutter back to me, and I get the idea that she hasn’t slept.

“Where are your bags? You’re staying with us, right? How long are you staying for?”

I mumble answers that don’t quite register with her. She yanks me into the kitchen, and sure enough, Seth is pulling out the fresh cinnamon buns from the oven. He doesn’t turn to look at me.

I feel an icy wall between us that I can’t quite pinpoint.What the hell did I miss?

Avery ushers me into a chair at the island. She hurries into the kitchen to pour me a coffee, giving me a heavy dose of the hazelnut creamer in my blue mug. She practically floats back to the island and climbs onto the chair next to mine.

“So, Seth told you before he asked?” she asks, sounding so chipper that I nearly wince. “You should have come last night.”

“No,” I admit and her face falls. “I had no idea. But I drove down the second that I heard about it. I had to be here for this. I figured I’d surprise you since I missed your calls.”

Seth slowly peers over his shoulder at me, spoon full of icing halting mid-air. Those copper brown eyes are laced with one million questions that I can’t read.

Avery begins relaying how it happened, ignoring the fact that Seth had not felt the need to even mention it to me. I don’t know if she even really heard what I said, took in what that meant. Her fiancé hadn’t bothered to invite her best friend, but he invited everyone else in our crew.

She rambles on, and at some point, between the way she was going to tell her students and how hard her mom cried, my eyes meet Seth’s again. His stare is heavy, his thoughts present on every inch of his face.

Dread roots in my stomach. He knows I’ve lied. I don’t know how he knows, but he does.

He put it in a damn Christmas cracker. Those same crackers she buys for every single party she hosts, no matter the season. Of course he did. She shows me the video and tears burn behind my eyes again. Seeing so many people surrounding her, none of which are me, it breaks me a bit—but it doesn’t matter, not when her smile is so big and she starts sobbing, falling dramatically to the couch without even answering him.

I’m laughing by the time he asks her if she’s saying yes for the fourth time.

I’m happy for her. Incredibly so.

I reach out to take her hand in mine, and I squeeze. Our eyes meet, both full of tears.

“Congratulations.”

Her eyes twinkle. “You’re next.”

Seth loses his grip on his bowl of icing, and it slams against the stove. He curses, hurriedly gathering it in his hands again, but the damage is done.

I stare at his back, willing him to turn around.

He knows .

And there’s only one way he could know, since I didn’t fucking tell him.

Avery chatters on. We talk about bridesmaid dresses and potential places to get married in town, and all the things you talk to your friends about when you get engaged.

I listen, and I participate, and that ache slowly goes away. I’m not thinking about Gavin anymore, about not being here when it happened, or about what I don’t have. I’m thinking about Seth and Avery and how happy I am that they have what they have.

At some point, Avery rushes upstairs to make up the guest room, even though I haven’t yet agreed to stay. That leaves me alone in the kitchen with Seth, who clearly feels as uncomfortable as I do about the elephant in the room.

Two elephants, really. Two big, dangerous elephants.

He turns to me, holding a plate of mouth-watering cinnamon rolls in his hand. It’s like waving a white flag after you just shot the enemy in the head. He put extra icing on too, just the way I love. He looks nervous as he slides it onto the island in front of me, meeting my eyes.

“Figured you’d need it.”

I swallow, ignoring the heaviness on my shoulders. “How did you know?”

“Dec,” he admits, reaching up to push his black-rimmed glasses up his nose. “He texted me after you guys left last night. I appreciate you putting her first, even though I know you wanted to be here. You’re going to have to tell her though.”

“I did want to be here,” I say, keeping my voice calm.

He lets out a breath, running a hand over his short curls. “I know. I decided at the last minute to do it last night. Like… an hour before the party. I’m sorry. By the time I was making plans, it was too late, and with you and Dec fighting, I just?—”

“—you don’t let me know that you’re going to propose to my best friend in a room full of people because of Declan? ” I seethe, my anger being misdirected yet again.

Yeah, that’s not really what he said, but that’s the part my brain wants to latch onto.

I need to reel it in, but it is Seth’s fault. Partially, at least. I should have known this was coming if everyone else did. Come on. I’m her best friend and Declan gets precedence over me? I’m hurt about a lot of things, but this is one of them. This one might be the worst.

Seth lets out a long breath, tanned fingers gripping the edge of the island. He’s not a confrontational person, I see the weight of this guilt on his shoulders. I almost feel bad for snapping, but at the same time, he needs to know how badly he messed up.

“Lauren was going to video call you. She forgot, in the moment.”

Great. That makes me feel better.

I stare at him. What’s done is done, and I can’t change it. I won’t ruin their blissful weekend over this. I’m not going to pop their bubble. If this were anyone else, maybe I’d say a bit more, but Seth already looks like he’s riddled with more regret than I could conjure up in him.

I reach forward, pulling a cinnamon bun from the tray, accepting the peace offering that he is clearly trying to make.

It’s not enough, but I guess it has to be.

“Trust me,” he murmurs, meeting my eyes from behind his glasses. “When she comes down from this high, she’ll have my balls for not having you here. I’ll get my punishment.”

I smile wickedly as I bite into the cinnamon bun, and my god is it good. I’m glad he’ll be punished, especially by Avery. Her wrath will hurt more than my own ever could.

“Congratulations, by the way,” I say, swallowing a big bite of heaven. “You’d be an idiot not to lock that down. ”

He smiles, but it’s sad, and I know that’s because of how unfortunate the timing is. “Thanks.”

I can only nod, because I hate the way he looks so apologetic. It is not his fault that the timing was as bad as it was. I should have texted him and Avery the second Gavin broke up with me to let them know that I was on my way, and maybe he would have pushed the proposal. Maybe he wouldn’t have. It doesn’t matter.

I am single for the first time in almost a decade, and they are engaged.

The world is not going to fall apart.

“Okay, it’s ready!” Avery calls as she scurries down the stairs. She comes back into the kitchen, letting out a tired breath. “Go and get your things from your parents. You’re ridiculous if you think you’re staying with them.”

I smile, biting into my cinnamon roll again. “Okay.”

She grins. “Okay.”

Seth looks between us, shaking his head. He often looks at us like we’re a circus act. Just like this.

“Okay.”

“It’ll be like college all over again,” she says, winding her arms around my shoulders. Her eyes flicker to Seth. “The three of us. Sleepovers. Before you were out of the friendzone, babe.”

“Hey,” he glowers, pointing a finger at us. “Declan was there too most of the time.”

“Also friendzoned,” Avery snorts, climbing back up on her stool.

She reaches for a cinnamon bun, but heat trickles down my neck at the mention of Declan. He most definitely wasn’t friend-zoned last night. The memory of him inside of me, of the groans that left his throat when he came, they shoot through me like an aftershock.

I shove more cinnamon bun into my mouth.

Seth is watching me from across the island. His stare is calculating, like he caught the way Declan’s name had made me panic and his brain is working to put the pieces together.

I’m overthinking, I know that. It’s kind of what I do.

I don’t think he knows. I don’t think Declan is that stupid or rude to be blabbing around town about fucking me fresh out of a breakup, but I know Seth’s wondering where the both of us went last night. He’s curious. We weren’t speaking to each other and then suddenly we were.

I would be curious.

My cheeks redden, so I shovel more pastry into my mouth and hope I choke to death.

It’s only after the three of us curl up on the couch to watch TV that my heart gives a dull throb in the center of my chest.

I walked into this house alone to surprise my best friend, and not once did she ask where Gavin was.

Declan’s voice from that night at the bar echoes through my mind, reminding me that the love Gavin gave me was never the love I deserved.

At some point over the years, everyone stopped expecting him to show up.