We Never Kissed

Chapter 5

Ava

Present Day

The first thing I noticed when Alex pulled me close was how he smelled. It always amazed me that the man could smell like home and desire all at once. I closed my eyes for a beat to let it sink in, to calm me for the conversation we were about to have. If only we could dance and simply be in the moment.

When I opened my eyes, he was so focused on me it was too overwhelming, so I leaned in and rested my cheek against his shoulder, letting myself get my bearings with him. Being so close and yet never feeling close enough, made my heart clench, and my throat felt like it was closing up .

We swayed in silence a bit too long because I was having second thoughts. Alex and I were better when we weren’t talking. Sharing the same space with him had always been… It was as if he were oxygen, breathing life into me. I would have these flashes in my mind, these fantasies of what it could be like. Maybe the reality, if it ever happened, would be a sheer letdown, but my gut told me otherwise. When we would part ways each time, there was a crash—worse than any hangover I’d ever experienced—which I got through by diving into my life, staying busy, and yes, being with someone else. Mark was comfortable and the deepest I’d ever gotten into a relationship before breaking it off. But it was time to put all my cards on the table because I was tired of living half a life…of being without Alex.

“Well let me get a word in edgewise,” I heard Alex say, snapping me out of it.

I looked up and let out a small laugh. “Sorry…”

He grinned and of course I melted, forgetting how to use words.

I drew in a deep breath, never taking my eyes off him, garnering strength from his solid frame pressed against my body. “I know what Sammy told you…about Mark.”

Getting it out was harder than I thought, and with my hesitation came his words. “I’m sorry he didn’t let you share the news, but like I said…I’m happy for you. ”

I gave him a head tilt. We’d never spoken any words to each other about our feelings. Hell, I could have dreamed up this whole thing in my head, a school-girl fantasy of a boy turning into a man before my eyes, but in reality he only thought of me as his friend’s little sister. Frustration grew in my belly at the casual way he threw it out there. Did he owe me anything? No. My head might believe there was never anything between us, but my heart said otherwise. “Are you really?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” He gave me a tight smile. “I know me and Sammy were hard on you over the years, but you’re an intelligent woman and Mark, well, he’s… He’s a decent guy.”

I shook my head. “Wow, way to throw in the towel in the home stretch.”

Alex’s eyes darkened and his hand tightened around my waist. “What do you want me to say, Ava? At some point, I have to butt out and let you live your life. And if marrying this guy is what you want, then—”

“It’s not!” My eyes widened at hearing my defensive tone. I drew in a breath to settle my nerves. “Mark didn’t propose.”

“What?” His face showed he was clearly shocked.

“He asked my parents for their blessing. I guess they told Sammy too. They were excited…” I felt my face flush with embarrassment. “He never got the ch ance to ask.”

“Well, shit… I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry?” His eyes darted around us as if he were seeing if anyone was listening. “Wait… What do you mean he didn’t get the chance to ask?”

My heart pounded so loudly in my chest I wondered if he could feel it against his own. “I broke it off.”

Alex sucked in a quick breath, pressing his chest harder into mine. “Oh… Well, I’m sorry, Ava.” He glanced away.

“You keep saying that. Are you really?” It was several long beats before I blew out a frustrated breath, and he returned his gaze to me.

“No.” He chuckled. “I’m not sorry. Is that what you want to hear?”

“Can we stop this, please? This is like six years ago all over again. I broke it off with Mark because I didn’t love him the way I knew two people should love each other. There was something missing. Just like there was with every other guy I’ve been with. You know what I’m saying, Alex?”

“Yes.” His breath grew heavy, and the emotion in his eyes was evident, but still he hesitated. “But…”

“But what? One of us needs to stop being so damn cryptic and spell this thing out.”

One side of his mouth turned up. “Go right ahead.”

“You ass,” I said, half playing half serious .

“We both know it’s not that simple. You, Sammy, your parents. You all mean…everything to me. You’re all I’ve got. I can’t fuck around with that.”

My heart felt like it was going to tear in half, like he was going to move us from this ten-year dance to closing the door forever. At the same time, I cared enough about him that I didn’t want anything bad to happen to him either. “So, what do we do? Keep living like this? Maybe instead of having a boyfriend, I could just be like you and jump from bed to bed with no feelings involved?” I regretted it as soon as the words came out. Just like six years ago, only slightly less childish. “I’m sorry,” I rushed to say.

“Trust me, I know how hard this is. And maybe if—”

“I’m moving back home,” I blurted.

His eyes widened with fear, and it was like a punch to the gut. God, is he so afraid of the possibility of us ?

We stared at each other while I let him process that. I could tell the song was ending, and I wasn’t sure how it would look if we continued dancing. The thought of that alone made me realize Alex wasn’t the only one concerned about the implications of us being together.

“It’s a special night for your parents. Maybe this isn’t the time or the place…”

“You’re right.” My heart sank. It was a convenient excuse. “I shouldn’t have expected—” I cut my own sentence off when I saw someone heading toward us just as the song was ending. Elsie walked up to us and said, “Hey, you two. Déjà vu.” She laughed and slipped a card into Alex’s pocket. “Thank you. Found my earring.” And then she walked away with a sly grin.

Panic in his eyes, Alex turned to me.

I shook my head. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

***

As I sat at a table, glaring a hole in Alex’s back, I sipped a glass of Champagne, feeling anything but bubbly. I knew I shouldn’t be pouting at my parents’ party, but I was giving myself until this glass was finished to get over it. After all, it wasn’t like I didn’t know exactly who Alex was.

Just as I downed the last sip, my phone alerted me of a text. I quirked a grin when I saw it was Gunnar, one of the only people who made me smile lately. Gunnar was like a brother, sister, and BFF all rolled into one. We both loved to dance and perform. We believed in giving back and volunteered together once a week at the food pantry. And we both secretly hated The Bachelor . It never bothered me that he commanded all the attention when we went out, his wardrobe much more stylish than my own, and his face resembling a runway model .

Gunnar: So, are we going to be homeless or did Mummy and Daddy come through?

Me: We’re in! But are you sure it won’t be too awkward for you?

Gunnar: Honey, I’ve lived in an all-boys school, stayed with my nana and her lover, and roomed with a bunch of strippers. I think I can handle Mr. and Mrs. All American.

I laughed because I was the one who played up my parents as perfect. And even though they’d been a bit hesitant for us to come and stay with them—albeit temporarily—I knew they’d welcome Gunnar with open arms. Plus, dance people were used to chaos and sharing bathrooms.

Me: They’re going to love you just like I do.

Gunnar: Bitch, don’t make me cry when you’re not here to hug me.

“Who’s Gunnar?” I heard over the loudspeaker and jumped. What the hell ? I turned in my seat, left then right. Sammy was standing behind me with the mic in his hand. Apparently, reading my texts over my shoulder.

“You jackass,” I whispered. It wasn’t that I was hiding Gunnar from them, but I also rarely talked about the life it didn’t seem like any of them approved of. It wasn’t until I started at the publishing company that I began to share more with them.

He ignored me and said into the mic, “Will the owner of a blue”—he made a pouty face—“Gremlin, please come and move your daughter. She’s about to be towed.”

Laughter rang through the crowd, and I shook my head. I reached up to grab the microphone, but he whipped it out of my reach and laughed, like the annoying big brother he’d always been. Then back into the mic, he said, “Seriously, Sue and Denny have requested everyone to get on the dancefloor. You know what time it is, people!”

Great . I was so not in the mood for the Tush Push, but I also didn’t want to disappoint my parents. I waved a hand at my brother. “Yeah, yeah.” But then I laughed. The Steadmans didn’t let pouting linger. I knew it was time to give in.

As a flood of people moved to the dancefloor, I scanned around to see where Alex was and more importantly, where Elsie was. I still couldn’t believe those two hooked up again. For all I knew it was a tradition or something. Like a long-term booty call.

My parents took their spot in the front, where I typically was as well, helping anyone who wanted to join in but struggled with the steps. Thanks to Sammy, Mom knew just where I was and looked over at me, giving me a head tilt. I blew her a kiss and stood but then pointed to the back. She shrugged and didn’t seem to be unhappy about my choice. I was relieved they were both having such a good time.

From the back I could keep an eye on Alex, who was only a couple rows in front of me, without being ambushed. He was no Gunnar, who could easily go from a choreographed Vegas show to freestyle in a nightclub. But Alex still looked sexy as hell. I couldn’t seem to stop myself from staring at his ass as he moved to the music, having removed his jacket. My brain was conjuring up what it would be like to experience those moves up close and personal.

As if he sensed me behind him, he glanced over his shoulder, and our gazes locked. We exchanged a soft grin, and it felt like he knew I wasn’t mad at him anymore. It wasn’t like Alex owed me anything. At the next turn, Alex stayed facing the back—and me—and made his way over to do the dance next to me.

“So, who is Gunnar?” he said beside me.

“Someone very special to me.” I grinned, enjoying making him squirm.

“Is he why you broke it off with Mark?”

“Partly…” I shrugged. If he was going to say dumb shit to me then I wouldn’t correct him. Plus, it was partly true.

Alex didn’t like that answer based on his expression. I should have stopped but after that crap with Elsie, I was in the mood to be petty. So, I sidestepped closer to him, and said, “We’re actually moving in together.”

His hand gripped my elbow, and he said in my ear. “Like hell you are.”

I stopped and glared at him until he released me. Then I said, “That big brother act is getting stale,” before I walked away.

Alex was hot on my heels as I headed for the exit, and the song ended.

“Ava Steadman!” My brother’s voice boomed over the mic.

I stopped and spun around, Alex reaching me and stopping as well.

“Some important announcements, please…” He went on to thank everyone for being there tonight and sharing my parents’ special night. It seemed he was ready to wrap it up when he said, “And since my wife’s family is heading back tomorrow morning, names will be drawn to watch Dax tomorrow while me and the missus get some special time.” He tucked the mic under his arm, and mimed turning a bingo wheel, then pulling out a ball. “And the winners are…” Don’t say it. Don’t you dare say it. “Ava Steadman…and Alex Bannister! Don’t forget to collect your prize. One small boy.”