We Never Kissed

Chapter 34

Alex

I sat across from the nurses’ station, holding a to-go cup of coffee and pretending not to notice the two young ladies at the counter eyeing me. It looked like one of them might have even snapped a pic of me, but I couldn’t be sure. The old me would have strolled over and secured at least one of their numbers. But I was in no mood to flirt, let alone even think about women.

One of the older nurses walked up, and the two girls separated. “Jill, Mr. Evers is specifically asking for you again.”

The one with the phone slid it onto the desk and said, “I’ll check on him. ”

When she walked off, the older woman turned to me. “Alex, right?”

As soon as she said it, I recognized her as Gayle, a charge nurse that Sue had introduced me to a while back.

I stood and moved to the counter. “Yes, how are you, Gayle?”

The slight blush in her cheeks told me she appreciated I’d remembered, especially since I didn’t see a name tag on her.

“Did someone page Sue for you?”

“I’m right here, Gayle,” Sue said, walking up behind me.

Her hand landed on my back, and when I turned, she gave me the reassuring smile I’d apparently come there for. Or, at least that was one of the reasons. As if she’d been expecting me, she said, “Come on. Let’s go to the lounge. I have a few minutes.”

I nodded to Gayle and then followed Sue down the hallway.

Handing her the to-go cup when I fell in line beside her, I said, “Your favorite but unfortunately probably cold by now.”

“I’ll pop it into the microwave before we sit.”

I hadn’t planned on going there that afternoon, just got in my car after a lunch meeting and found myself driving toward the hospital. But Sue didn’t even ask me what I wanted.

At the lounge, she led us over to a couple of chairs in a quiet corner, then walked over to a microwave on a cart. When she returned and took the seat across from me, panic shot through my system. What could I possibly say to this woman that wouldn’t have her disappointed in me? I supposed guilt had led me there, but it was trepidation that had dried my mouth right up.

As if we had all the time in the world, she sipped her coffee and watched me. “Mmm, just what I needed. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” I grinned and after a moment I said, “I spoke to Jo last night.”

Setting the cup on the small table, she said, “Oh, good. Were you able to help him?”

I nodded. “The information he sent me was solid, but I’m just not sure with his limited income if he should risk it.”

“Then I’m guessing that’s exactly what JoJo will do.” She laughed. “Thank you for doing that.”

I couldn’t help but laugh too. “Yeah, of course.” But the look on her face had me pausing, my pulse quickening. Silence hung in the air, and as usual Sue knew exactly what the score was .

“I still have a few more minutes, so why don’t you tell me why you’re really here, Alex.”

My mouth parted, but I couldn’t find the words, wasn’t sure how to start this thing.

She leaned over, put her hand on mine as it rested on my knee. “Whatever it is, it’s all right…you know?”

Her concern, her sheer acceptance of me, something she’d always done, felt achingly undeserving. I’d never expected a thing from the Steadmans, never even asked for anything. But they continued to give and be there for me. Even when I wasn’t the easiest person to get along with. Part of me wanted them to disown me for what I’d done, but a bigger part of me wanted to unburden myself and beg forgiveness.

Pulling my hand from beneath hers, I drew in a breath and sighed. “I need to tell you something. I, uh… I’ve kept something from you.” It dawned on me briefly that maybe I should have talked to Ava, or at least given her a heads up, but I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t owe her that now after what she’d done. Even after last night, which was too complicated to process, I wasn’t sure how we could move forward.

Her expression didn’t waver as she waited.

I ran a hand through my hair. “I don’t know how to say this, but I want you to know that what happened, what I’ve done, is all my fault. No one else’s. I’m the one who messed everything up, so please remember that.” It was a small consolation for Ava but the truth nonetheless.

She gave me a tight smile, folded her arms across her chest. “Okay…”

I glanced around the room before looking her in the eyes again. “I was seeing someone…and well, it didn’t work out. But the thing is, I never should have been seeing her.” I shook my head at how ridiculous I was being. I should have taken the band-aid approach. “Shit, this is… She—”

“Alex…” She scooted her chair closer to me and leaned in. “I’m sorry. I know how much Ava means to you, but are you sure—”

“What?” My loud voice had her brows raising. “I’m sorry but what are you saying?”

She gave me one of those self-assured motherly looks. “Please, you think I didn’t see how you two have been all these years? I’m surprised it took you this long to get together.”

My jaw dropped as she spoke. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Why didn’t you?” She tilted her head. “You two didn’t want anyone to know so…I figured I’d wait until you were ready. I also figured something had happened between you two after the dinner the other night.”

My eyes pleaded for forgiveness. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say. ”

“Except that you love her, right?”

Giving her a tight smile, I replied, “I’ve always loved Ava.”

She let a little chuckle out. “But now you’re in love with her.”

I nodded even though it wasn’t a question.

“So, you’re here… You might as well tell me all of it. What happened?”

I told her as quickly and painlessly as I could about Ava connecting with my mother behind my back, about our run-in while in Vegas, and about our fight. Then I said, “I feel like I can’t trust her anymore.”

She shook her head. “Do you really believe that, Alex? Or are you just hurt and angry because you feel like you can’t hide from this anymore?”

My mouth pursed, but I didn’t answer. We both knew.

She sighed. “Listen, I don’t condone what she did. But what she did was for you…because she loves you and because she knew you’d always have this fracture in your heart if you didn’t face your past. I’m not asking you to move on like nothing happened. But, honey, you’ve always had this piece of you that you guarded no matter how hard we all tried. A part of you that you…wouldn’t let us love. How can she love you completely if you are always holding something back?”

Sue was the one person I’d felt secure speaking to, and I didn’t think that had changed so I said, “I know. And I’ve thought a lot about it. I’m not blaming it all on her. But everything’s different now.”

“She messed up. But what you two have is too special, too strong to throw away.” She stared at me, and when I didn’t respond, she continued, “The question is, are you going to keep running from your past or acknowledge it? Because staying away from Ava isn’t going to make this go away. If and when you’re ready to deal with it, it’s Ava who’s going to help you through it.”

I shook my head and chuckled. “Damn, you are one wise woman.”

“I know.” She glanced at her watch. “And unfortunately, I need to get back.”

We both rose, and she gave me a hug. I held on longer than usual, but she let me linger until I was ready to pull away. Showing me one of those sweet smiles, she said, “Feel better?”

“Yeah…I actually do.” I bent and kissed her on the cheek. “Thank you.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”