When I Was Theirs

76. Ben

Hey, baby.

This letter isn’t supposed to make you sad, so no tears.

This is not about grief, or pain. It’s about you, because everything about us right now is focused on me. You deserve better than that.

And it’s a farewell, in case I never get to say it. You never know how much time is left.

If I’m right, maybe you’re with Jared. Maybe you’re a Bennett girl. If you are, say hi from me.

But whoever you’re with, I hope you’ve opened this because you found your happy ending.

You deserve all the good things, Emmy.

You’re asleep in the bed right now, and we have some really dark days ahead. Today was one of them.

I thought I’d face these days on my own. I didn’t want Jared to see this. I didn’t want you to see it, either.

But you have a tight grip on my heart. It’s yours, and you’ve asked me to stay.

So I’m staying, for as long as this body will let me.

I just want you to know that I’m glad it was you.

I’m glad that I walked into The Setlist that night. I nearly walked past, but something pulled me in.

Different choices. Different lives.

You and I didn’t get the ending in this one, Em. And that’s okay. It wasn’t meant to be.

But knowing that you will is enough for me.

Be happy. Be brave, and dance in the rain.

Whoever is lucky enough to be your choice, I hope they treat you well. I hope they’re kind, and fun, and they make you laugh.

I hope they love you more than I could, although I don’t know how that’s possible.

You’ll always have my heart, Emmy. Even if I’m not here anymore.

I couldn’t think of anyone better to keep it safe than you.

Ben

PS. Ben is an excellent name, you know. Although I also told Jared the same thing, so if I’ve set something off and there’s suddenly an explosion of Ben babies, the only people you have to blame are yourselves for not getting it together.

PPS. You definitely get together. I can feel it.

PPPS. Bye, Emmy Marsters.