When The Rain Falls

31. Finn Hudson’s Darling

31 FINN HUDSON’S DARLING

AIMEE

If Finn is thinking about Laurel, it sure doesn’t feel like it. He uses my name. He familiarizes himself with my body. He learns my every curve and intimate detail. In fact, I’m finding it really hard to believe that he’s thinking about her at all.

“Permission for what?” he asks as his hands caress my face. Permission for what? Permission to launch. Permission to excuse myself from the dinner table. Holy God. Seriously?

“To touch you,” I say softly. I wrap my hands around his large arms, like ivy growing up a tree trunk. My eyes fall down his pants where he’s hard, and thick, and tenting his joggers obscenely. I know he wants me to touch him just as much as I want to do it. The bulge at his groin is giving it away.

So, it catches me completely off guard when he sternly says, “No.”

I snap my head towards him. “Bear, really?”

“Yes, Aimee. Really.” His voice is dipping into a pool of frustration. But I’m still helplessly confused.

“But—”

“That’s the rule. I told you that’s the rule,” he insists.

“I know. But it doesn’t make sense. At least tell me why.”

"I don't want to talk about it." He pulls away and leans back against the mattress beside me. Hand casually resting across his stomach.

“You know. I didn’t believe it tonight,” I say. “I didn’t believe you were thinking about her. It felt so much like you were thinking of me. With each touch. Each kiss. It felt like, like, your mind was full of me.” I can feel tears building behind my eyes.

Finn’s chest rises and falls as he lets out a deep breath.

“But she really does have all of you, doesn’t she? And here I am. Being stupid. Letting myself become a toy. To be played with and tossed away. Again.” I sit up and slide off the bed before I continue. “It’s what everyone does. Tosses me away.” I bend over and grab my shorts off the floor. I slip into them and swipe for my shirt.

“Aimee—” There’s nothing but pure, raw pain in his voice.

“I’m sorry,” I continue. “My whole life I’ve had no problem keeping things casual. I thought I could do that with you, too. And the worst part is, it’s my fault. I told you to do this.” I slip my shirt over my head. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Aimee—”

“I know, I know. I have no right to be upset. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s me. I’m the fool here.” The tears have escaped now. They’re falling hot down my cheeks. I’m so embarrassed. Standing here, back tracking on everything I just told him. I knew what was going to happen. I fucking agreed to it. In fact, it was my idea. But I underestimated how much it would sting. “I’m not her. And I know she’s who you really want. I was just being reckless. Again.” I walk to the door and reach for the handle.

“Aimee, fucking stop it,” he yells to my back. The tone in his voice is startling. It’s scalding and frigid all at the same time. I freeze mid stride and slowly turn to him. I wipe at my cheeks because I don’t want him to see me cry. Not over him. Now when he’s hurt me too many times. But I catch his eyes and we just take each other in. It feels like there’s a million unsaid words falling heavy between us.

"I was never thinking about Laurel.” He’s sitting on the edge of his bed. When he talks, he puts his head in his hands. Almost like he’s ashamed. “Not when I was with you. Not once,” he says. I swipe my cheek with the back of my hand and try to understand.

“What?” My eyebrows knit together and I hear the sniffle in my voice.

“Aimee. How could I—" He raises his gaze to me, the pain in his eyes sting. “How could I think of anyone but you ? Look at you. As gorgeous as the day. As bright as the fucking sun. Bold and unapologetic. Demanding to be the center of all my waking thoughts.”

“But you said?—”

“I know what I said. And those words have been haunting me since they came out of my mouth.” Finn rubs his temples with both hands. “I lied to you,” he confesses.

“You lied to me?” I don’t know how, but I feel both hollow and full of anger all at the same time.

“I panicked. And I lied. And I’m terrible. I’m shit, Aimee.”

“But why? Why would you say something like that if it wasn’t true?” I can’t think of anything in the world that would justify a lie like that.

“Goddammit,” he mutters. “Because the truth is too hard to admit. And I thought it would be easier to push you away than to face it. And I was fucking wrong. Because pushing you away was so much harder than I expected.”

“Finn.” I give him a scolding look. “What truth?” I need answers. And he better start making some sense before I beat it out of him.

He rubs his hands over his face several times. I’m not sure if he’s stalling or gathering courage. But possibly, it’s both.

“I can’t…” His voice sounds haunted and strangled.

“Yes you can. And you better.”

“No, Aimee. I can’t .” But he stops there. Can’t what? I just stand awkwardly, watching him, waiting, patience slowly draining from my body.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” he says. “Aimee, I can’t have sex with you,” he says. “Not just with you. With anyone. There’s something wrong with me.” Is he trying to feed me another lie? Do I need to remind him that he has children? Unless, maybe they aren’t biologically his. No, I’ve seen the glare on Ruby. She’s definitely his.

“I don’t get it,” I sigh with exasperation.

Finn groans and pulls at his hair. “Great. Fantastic. You’re going to make me spell it all out for you.” He lifts his head and looks me straight in the eye. “My dick doesn’t work, Aimee. I can’t maintain an erection. I can’t stay hard. Is that clear enough? I’m fucking broken.” He’s talking manically. His face red with anger. His eyes turning glossy.

“Huh?” is all I say. Because I’m stunned. Stunned stupid.

He can’t . He actually can’t?

I was not expecting this. Not at all. Nothing about him would give away that he struggled with performance. Not the way he carries himself, the strength of his body, the power and command in his frame. Not the deepness of his voice. But now, things are starting to make sense. The way he’s been so hesitant. Why he keeps stopping. Why he keeps pushing me away .

I sit on the bed next to him and feel it sink slightly under both our weight. “You were trying to push me away?’ I ask carefully.

He nods and releases a full, jagged breath.

“And you used her as an excuse?”

He nods again.

“But I still don’t understand why. Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“Because, I didn’t want you to know. I don’t want anyone to know,” he says. “Because when women know, they look at you differently. They treat you differently. And they leave.”

“Why would anyone leave?”

“Why would anyone stay?” He looks down at his feet. Elbows on his knees, hands clasped together. It looks like he’s drowning in memories. Horrible, awful memories.

“But—”

“Aimee, they don’t stay,” he insists. And it hits me that there’s only one reason he thinks that way. From experience.

“Are you serious right now?” Anger builds like a blister under my skin. Growing larger and heavier until I worry it might burst. And then it does burst. It bursts and oozes out. It oozes into my tone and my clenched fists. Because I can’t believe anyone would do something to make him feel this way. Are people really that shitty?

Yes. They are. I know from experience, too. The tears start to fall again. And they are for both him and for me.

“Bear, I want names ,” I demand. “The name of every girl who has ever left you over this. Because I am not above kicking some asses. I will kick asses all week if I have to. I will burn down houses, and smash mailboxes, and?—"

Finn takes my clenched fists and uncurls it. He raises my hand to his mouth and brushes his lips across the back of my knuckles.

“I’m not kidding. I have ways to make people hurt. I will pussy punch each one of them,” I exclaim.

“Aimee.” He consoles me by just saying my name. Quells my anger with his steady voice. He pulls me onto his lap and wraps his arms all the way around me and draws me in tight. “It’s fine, darling,” he whispers into my ear. “It’s cute seeing you get all worked up for me. But let it go.”

I should be focusing on him. On his moment. On his hurt. But my heart is fluttering wildly.

Darling.

A word that used to make me want to lose my lunch now lives forever in my soul. Ingrained there. Like Finn just took a knife and permanently etched it inside me. I’m someone’s darling? And not just someone’s darling, Finn Hudson’s darling.

I lean my head against his chest.

“You didn’t have to lie to me,” I say.

A soft kiss in my hair is his only answer.

“You could have told me. I wouldn’t have left,” I assure him.

“You don’t know that.” His voice is resigned, but calm.

“Look at me, bear.” I take his face in my hands. “Look. I’m here. And I’m not leaving.”

We sit together in a soothing, comfortable silence. His heart pounding warmly against my cheek as his hands run through my hair. I don’t dare move. I don’t dare do anything to break the enchantment encircling us.

Finn is the first one to break the spell. “Aimee…” My name is a question on his lips. And his tone is gruff. “Who did that to you? Who made you think you were a toy to be played with and tossed away?” He sighs and it’s full of sorrow and regret. “Other than me?”

I think back to all the men in my life. Men I’d pick up at bars. Or meet online. I loved it at first. All the attention. I let them chase me. Ply me with drinks. Lead me to the dance floor. Grind against my leg. And then at the end of the night, I’d let them take me home. I bet I could count on one hand how many of them actually cared about my name. Most of them only asked because it’s the expected first step. The first step towards their singularly focused end-goal.

“No one specific person,” I admit. “Just everyone. Maybe it was my fault. I let them. Let them treat me like the kind of girl you don’t date. The kind you just play with.”

“You’re not that kind of girl,” he whispers. His words fall like soothing rain over a raw burn. “Aimee, stay over.” He nuzzles his face against mine. “But not like that,” he continues. “Stay over and let me hold you. And in the morning, I’ll still be holding you. And you’ll see that you’re not that kind of girl.”

One thing became very clear to me in this moment. He needs me. And I need him. I need his kind words. His affection. I need the sense of belonging that I’m finding right here. In the arms of a man who called me darling.

My whole life, I’ve been skimming along the surface, where it’s sunny, and warm, and light. Always running from the slightest hint of pain and hurt. But Finn lives in the depths, where love and grief seem to coexist. He’s shown me what life is like below the surface. I’m attracted to his depths in the same way he’s attracted to my light.

So that night, I fall asleep against a firm chest. Tucked safely between two strong arms. And I sleep more snugly than I’ve ever slept in all my life.