Written by a Woman

Chapter 20

Chapter Twenty

SIGNE

“Oh my god,” I felt my eyes widen in alarm.

Actually, I think the proper term for my eyes was, “bulging out of their sockets.”

“I can’t believe you just did that,” Zaid caught up to me, breathing heavily at my back as I stood there, frozen on the threshold of his bedroom door.

When I arrived at his apartment with takeout, he suggested I get comfortable on the couch while he went to his room to look through his selection of Blu-rays. He asked what I was in the mood to watch, and like a normal person, I asked what he had. It was insane to me that the man still had Blu-rays and DVDs instead of just any streaming service.

I wasn’t sure I even had something to play a CD or DVD with in my entire apartment. My laptop didn’t even have a CD drive.

Anyways, Zaid had given a very vague answer of “lots of options,” which made me stand up from the couch to just follow him down the hallway to his bedroom where the movies supposedly were.

He immediately got nervous, his hands up defensively as he insisted that I sit on the couch while he grabbed some options.

My spidey senses started tingling.

By spidey senses, I meant my “what the hell could he possibly be hiding in his room that he didn’t want me to see” senses. The man had already invited me on a romantic sunset walk on the bluffs of Laguna Beach, patiently waited while I tried dozens of ice cream flavors before choosing one, and even went out of his way to ensure I still had delicious leftovers to eat for lunch.

But now he was hiding something, and as much as I didn’t want to shatter the illusion that he was perfect, I couldn’t let this go.

I had no idea what to expect when I bolted underneath his large arms and sprinted down the short hallway, determined to see what he was so nervous about. Was his room unusually messy? Did he have plush animals on his bed? Unfolded laundry? Skin suits? I needed to know. There was no chance that I was going to sit on his couch all evening and not wonder what warranted such a nervous reaction from him.

I couldn’t have guessed this even if given the chance.

What I walked in on was so out of left field, that I had to blink several times to make sure that I was seeing things correctly.

“Um…” I took a few steps into his room, my gaze bouncing all over the place because it was impossible to land on one thing. Every time my eye landed on a new area, details stuck out to me.

The dark red accent wall that his bed sat against.

The giant Captain America symbol on his comforter.

The movie posters—sorry—the signed movie posters. Avengers, Iron Man, Captain America, and even the Hulk.

The framed dolls.

The framed playing cards.

I walked over to a large floor-to-ceiling bookshelf that had some books, but mostly DVDs. A glance let me know that they were all organized by release day. The man had every single DVD in the Marvel universe, as well as some mint edition comic books that were also framed or kept in some sort of glass housing.

“So…” I heard Zaid speak behind me, making me turn around to see him leaning in the doorway with his arms crossed over his chest defensively, “…This is my bedroom.”

I stared at him, trying to wrap my head around this additional information I had on him.

“This is your room,” I repeated, trying to maintain eye contact with him but also getting distracted by additional Marvel Universe merch on the wall near his door, the side of the room I didn’t immediately see upon entering.

“I’m sweating over here, Signe,” Zaid said, genuine concern on his expression as he watched me look around.

“I just…” I shook my head a little bit as I took a few steps toward him, getting distracted by an out-of-the-box action figure sitting on a shelf near the doorframe he leaned against, “Didn’t expect—”

“For me to be a geek?” Zaid interrupted with a nervous smile.

“For you to be a huge geek,” I corrected, pointing to the new shelf of merch beside him, “Did you leave any toys for the other kids in the store?” I was giggling by the end of my sentence, my smile taking over my features as my shock evaporated into complete, utter adoration for this side of him.

Zaid rolled his eyes at my snarky remark, “These are adult toys.”

“Tell me more,” I widened my eyes in exaggerated interest as I gently snagged one off of the shelf, careful with my hold in case it was valuable and fragile, and started to inspect it, “Where’s the button? How many vibration settings does it have?”

Zaid choked as he snatched his action figure out of my hand. He couldn’t hold back his laughter, even though he tried. He righted the toy back on the shelf before mumbling to me, “You’re a menace.”

“You have the biggest boner for the Marvel Universe that I have ever seen.”

“All I heard,” Zaid gave me a sly look as he reached forward to grab my forearms and tug me towards the door, “Was that I have the biggest boner.”

I snickered as I ripped my arms from his grip and stepped backward towards the bed, wiggling my eyebrows at him, “You need to walk me through this.”

“Do I?” He asked, giving a nervous glance at his surroundings as if he hoped he could conceal any aspect of this room.

There was no hope. I had seen it all. I wasn’t ever letting this go.

“So, you’re at a bar, you see a woman you want to get naked with,” he slid his dark eyes over to me, a look of exhaustion with his grin, “She, obviously, wants to get naked with you too—”

“I’m going to stop you right there,” Zaid lifted a hand as he marched towards me, and I skirted his reach again by side stepping quickly to the other side of his bed, creating distance between us. Zaid’s eyes narrowed a little bit as he followed my retreat, trapping me in the corner, near his end table, “Women don’t come home with me.”

“Because they see your room?” I asked, gesturing dramatically to the Captain America shield comforter.

“No,” Zaid came to stand in front of me, something flashing in his eyes before he halted and stood a foot away, “Because I don’t bring women back to my room.”

“Ever?” I asked.

He lifted a shoulder, “I don’t do casual hookups, Signe.”

I stared at him for a moment, a question that was none of my business at the tip of my tongue. I slammed my lips shut as I thought better of it.

“What are you thinking, ya amari?” Zaid asked, his voice lower. Intimate.

“What does that mean?” I whispered. He had dropped a few terms of endearment in Arabic now, and I had been too nervous to ask. This seemed like a good alternative to asking whether or not he was a virgin before we got together.

Zaid gave me a longing look for a moment before he released a heavy sigh, “The moon.”

I tilted my head, “You called me the moon?”

He smiled before taking a seat on the edge of his bed, stretching his long arms behind himself, “It’s an affectionate name.”

“That’s nice…Mars.”

Zaid rolled his eyes.

“Specifically, I called you my moon,” Zaid leveled me with his gaze, his voice softening, “My most beautiful.”

I stood there, frozen.

I was all too aware of the blood pumping in my veins from my rapidly racing heart. I stood in Zaid Ansara’s bedroom, with his nightstand with an Iron Man lamp just inches behind me, while he called me his most beautiful.

Something inside of me both melted and cracked at his words, and I was hopelessly muted as I processed. How this lovable man I had originally written off for being too shy had quite possibly the geekiest bedroom a thirty-four-year-old man ever had.

“So…” I stopped because even though I was a writer when the sun went down, words could still escape me in very real moments like this, “You don’t bring women back to your room,” I couldn’t focus too much on Zaid casually throwing out ya amari without getting emotional, so going back to the original topic was the best I could do, “Because you don’t do casual hookups.”

Zaid shook his head, his arms still supporting his weight on the bed behind him, “No.”

“What if I told you,” I swallowed around the painful lump in my throat, nerves building inside of me, “That I have only done casual hookups for the last…little bit.”

Zaid lifted a shoulder.

That was it.

“Nothing?” I pressed, casually leaning against the wall near his window, and turning my body so that I could trace my finger down the shade of his bedside lamp to avoid looking at him.

“What do you want me to say?” Zaid asked.

“What you’re thinking.”

It was silent again, so I folded my arms and lifted my eyes to stare at him. He was studying me, his dark eyes wide and hiding nothing. And yet, even though he wasn’t trying to hide any emotion, my nerves still kept me from reading him accurately.

“I think that it doesn’t matter to me what your sexual history is,” Zaid lifted his shoulder again, and I wanted to smack it down.

“At all?” I asked, “Even though you don’t…” I waved a hand vaguely in the air.

“I don’t what?”

“Fuck around?” I blurted out, feeling the heat stain my cheeks as I slammed my mouth closed.

Something flickered behind Zaid’s gaze, and as I watched him stand from his bed to step into my space, lifting his hands to uncross my arms, I thought my heart was going to jump out of my throat.

“I don’t fuck around, no,” Zaid murmured, keeping hold of my wrists as he brushed his thumbs gently against my pulse. The touch sent a shiver down my spine, “I used to, but not anymore.”

Well, that answered my ridiculous question about his virginity.

I didn’t even believe in the social construct of virginity, so why I wanted to know how experienced Zaid was made me hate myself a little bit.

“Are you waiting to settle down?” I asked, staring at the collar of his shirt, the slutty little wide-neck t-shirt he wore that showed off his clavicle.

“Yes,” Zaid nodded once, making something flip in my stomach at his words. I immediately remembered our conversation on his sister’s couch all that time ago. Watching that children’s show with the Australian dog family I had watched more episodes of on my own.

“So, like,” I rolled my eyes as a small smile twitched on my lips, “When you invited me over to your apartment to watch a movie…?”

Zaid’s lips twitched a little bit in return, “I invited you to just watch a movie. No other expectations.”

“Even though I’d be a very willing participant?” I whispered. I knew it was wrong to entertain sleeping with him right now, considering the big fat secret I was keeping from him. But I was only human.

I must have been very inside my own head, because suddenly I felt Zaid’s warm fingers skim over my jaw so he could cup my face in his palm, tilting my head to look up at him. I thought he was going to say something, the way his lips parted, and his eyes darted between both of mine. But then he shook his head once before lowering his lips to mine.

The kiss was gentle and sweet.

Heartwarming.

And all the other words I could also use to describe Zaid.

He brushed his warm, soft lips over mine once more before pulling away, just enough for him to rest his forehead against mine, “I’d like to wait, Signe.”

I felt my breath release from my lungs, a myriad of emotions coursing through my body. The first emotion, though I tried to dismiss it as quickly as it came, was rejection. How Zaid wasn’t trying to seduce me tonight and would reject me if I tried to seduce him instead. The other emotions were fairer to him, I thought. Admiration for Zaid not jumping into bed as soon as a woman expressed interest in him. For upholding his own boundaries. To not feel pressured to jump into this goofy-ass Captain America-themed bedding and go to pound town.

“Until you’re married?” I ended up asking for clarification, my voice barely audible because it took so much effort to calm my voice into something he wouldn’t feel offended by.

In response to my question, Zaid chuckled, and I felt that deep sound of his all the way to the tips of my toes.

“No,” Zaid whispered back, matching my low voice, almost like he was giving our talk reverence, “Just until things aren’t casual.”

I lifted my head up to look at him better, forcing Zaid to lift his forehead off of mine, “When do you decide things aren’t casual?”

Zaid pressed his lips together, the only sign of nerves I could see on him, “When you and I chat and decide that not only are we exclusive, but we’re also endgame.”

“You did not just make an Avenger’s reference right now,” I giggled my question at him, making his lips pull into a grin.

“I didn’t mean to, I promise,” He pressed his lips against my forehead, his mouth lingering for a moment before looking down at me, “I’m not waiting for marriage, I’m waiting for someone who wants to be just as committed to me as I want to be committed to them. I can casually date you without sleeping with you.”

I stared up at him, a pang of hurt stabbing my chest, “So…” I ended up closing my mouth and looking down at the ground. I let my wrists fall out of his hand, having momentarily forgotten he was holding me like that.

“Signe,” Zaid’s voice fell over my shoulder, both of his hands cupping my face now to get me to focus back on him, “What did I say?” His eyes looked so concerned, having immediately picked up on the shift in me.

“I’m just being ridiculous,” I mumbled, trying to look away even though his grip on my face tightened to keep me from doing so. He wouldn’t let me escape, determined to hold my gaze before he tried a new tactic.

Zaid’s lips brushed against my ear, slowly dragging down my neck in a way that made goosebumps erupt across my skin. My heart was racing from both fear and arousal.

“Why do you think you’re ridiculous?” Zaid asked, kissing the pulse point between my neck and shoulder in a way that drove me insane.

“I-I just—” when I first met Zaid all that time ago, I never would have guessed that the man would eventually be using his kisses to get me to spill my guts to him, “I’m a little embarrassed at how easy it is for you to not have sex with me. H-how I’m not exactly someone you see yourself s-settling with yet.”

Zaid stiffened, his lips ghosting over my skin near my collarbone. My head was lifted and bent back to make room for him to explore me, but as he froze, and I held my breath as I waited for him to respond.

“I thought I made it clear how difficult it is for me to not sleep with you right now,” Zaid spoke against my skin, making me exhale my breath on another shiver, “Signe, I—” his hands came back up, and gripped either side of my waist, and I had to give up all pretense that I could regulate my breathing “Goddamn, I want you so badly.”

I felt myself huff a disbelieving laugh, “You do?”

“Do you not remember our first kiss?” Zaid asked, his kissing losing its sweetness and being taken over by something else. Something hungry, “How you straddled me? How I touched you?”

You mean the kiss that ended with me coming in my pants? Yup, I sure do.

I was meeting his kisses eagerly, my hands sliding up his chest and tangling in the roots of his hair behind his neck. I remembered our first kiss. I couldn’t think of a time recently when I wasn’t thinking about our first kiss.

“Yeah,” I managed to respond once he pushed me farther against the wall, his lips ravaging my neck, “I remember.”

“I couldn’t resist you then,” Zaid grumbled, pulling away and tugging me with him as he twisted our bodies to sit me down on his bed, “I’m barely resisting you now. Do you know why I’m resisting, Signe?”

I wheezed my response, “Because you’re waiting.”

“Because I’m waiting for you ,” He corrected, sliding his hands up my arms and gently pushing my shoulders so I fell back on his bed. Zaid bent over me, one knee bracing himself on the edge of the bed as he pressed his lips against mine again. Once. Twice. “You, and only you, Signe.” Every time he said my name like that my heart swelled, “As soon as you kissed me in your hotel room, I was a goner.”

I sighed as his lips trailed against my jaw, my cheeks, my temple.

I melted underneath him.

He said he was a goner, but I was the one who was completely hopeless for him.

“I don’t want to make you wait too long,” I whispered, surprised at myself for getting so emotional during this conversation.

“That’s okay,” Zaid lifted a hand to brush some of my hair away from my face and neck, “I can wait. You’re worth it.”

“Are you sure?” I asked, “Because I am scared easily, too.” I giggled awkwardly, trying to brighten some lighthearted humor into a very serious conversation.

“That’s why we aren’t disclosing our relationship to Jacqueline quite yet,” Zaid replied into my neck, making me addicted to the feeling of his lips on my skin, “Not until you tell me you’re ready.”

I gently gripped his wide shoulders, pushing him back so I could look him in the eye, “You really see me as the last person you’d ever date?”

“Habibti,” when I raised my eyebrows at his newest term of endearment, he shook his head once, unwilling to translate for me, “I’ve seen you for a long time. I want you to confirm that you’re the last person I’ll ever date—but unfortunately—” he leaned down to plant a firm, drugging kiss against my lips again, “We need to get to the actual date part first.”

With that, Zaid pushed himself off me, not bothering to conceal the erection in his pants as he grabbed my hands and pulled me back up too.

I was dizzy from a whirlwind of a conversation, and from suddenly being tugged into a standing position from a prone one. Zaid wrapped me in his arms against his chest for a moment, letting me get my bearings after stumbling into him, before finally loosening his grip and nodding towards the bookshelf, “You still need to pick a movie.”

“You don’t want to cuddle up under the Captain America bedding and read comic books together instead?”

Zaid nudged me towards the bookshelf, a low chuckle in his chest as he kept his hands on my hips, brushing his lips against my ear while I faced the shelf of DVDs, “That’s the hottest thing a woman has ever said to me.”

“Maybe we can go online and see if anyone is selling first editions of your favorite comics?” I continued, using my finger to skim the names on the spines of the DVDs. Behind me, with his hands still gripping my hips, Zaid let out a very low and very sexual moan.

I whirled on him, every inch of my skin blushing from the utterly erotic sound he just made, only to see him grinning at me.

“Is this something you’re always going to tease me for, Signe?” Zaid asked, reaching behind me, and tugging a movie off the shelf.

It was a comedy, one of those mindless ones where the plot was thin, and the actors probably relied on improv for all of the dialogue.

Perfect.

“Just for the first little while, but if I’m being honest,” I tugged the DVD out of his hands and strutted for his bedroom door, throwing over my shoulder at him, “I loved learning this little secret of yours.”

Zaid hummed behind me, “Now I just need to learn some of yours to even the scales.”

He meant it playfully, probably not realizing that I currently did have a very big, very problematic secret of my own. A secret that involved him, much more than it should.

But I was a selfish, conflict-avoidant woman.

So, when Zaid quickly ushered us out of the room and asked me what kind of seasoning salt I preferred on my popcorn, I let the moment pass.

Even though I could have sat on his couch the rest of the night, spiraling about how he and I were doomed before we even had a chance to start, I refused to. Instead, I let my delusions take hold that evening. I watched the silly comedy, laughing with him, cuddling under the throw blanket, and actively pretending that my underwear wasn’t damp from our previous make-out in his bedroom. I sat with the knowledge that I would love nothing more than to try out committed monogamy with Zaid Ansara. How I wanted to earn this man’s love because there was no chance in hell that he didn’t love with his entire being.

I sat there on his couch, nurturing a small piece of myself that desperately, longingly, wanted this all to work out.