Written by a Woman

Chapter 21

Chapter Twenty-One

SIGNE

Today Michelle had a handful of meetings with potential publishers.

Submissions had officially started, and I was going to be glued to my phone.

The first text I received from her said that the first publisher decided to pass on my story. I wasn’t too worked up about it, it would have been insane if the first publisher Michelle spoke to made an offer.

Perhaps it was the text from Zaid asking about our date tonight that made it easier for me to brush off the first rejection.

Later, Michelle texted me again that she still hadn’t had anyone bite on the story, and I felt a little discouraged.

However, I needed to accept one major fact.

Submissions had officially started on the story, and whether or not publishers were showing interest in it yet, I needed to tell Zaid. It was time to come clean.

I was determined to tell him on our date tonight, when it was just us and we weren’t in the office. So, when I reread his text and typed out a reply to confirm, I hesitated and ended up deleting the message, instead choosing to walk over to his office.

Seeing Zaid throughout the day always lifted my spirits and would help with the emotional rollercoaster that was submissions.

I forced a skip in my step, which is why the moment I halted to a stop felt a little cartoonish. Almost comedic. However, the moment that made me come to a stop was far from humorous. Perhaps I would be able to look back on it and find a little humor in dealing with the consequences of my actions. In the moment, though, all I could focus on was the nausea pooling in my stomach. The rock forming in the base of my throat made me wonder if I would stop breathing. If I would die from humiliation right then and there, feet outside of Zaid’s office, hiding to the side to shield my presence while still being able to observe my self-destruction taking place inside.

“…a romance novel,” Jacqueline said. The words made an icy panic shoot down my spine. My body froze and instinctively backed away a step or two before either of them could see me waiting outside of his office. Before I heard her say anything else, I knew what they were talking about. Deep down, my soul knew that my time had come.

I could see Zaid with his elbows on his desk, his fingertips rubbing at his temples as he exhaled a tired sigh. Jacqueline sat pencil straight in the chair on the other side of his desk, her back to me, with her iPad displaying a very familiar social media account.

My social media account.

While Zaid processed what she had just told him, she was swiping through screenshots of that account. Screenshots showing character art, my face, and the historical moment of Zaid walking through my live feed so long ago.

Dread consumed me. Anxiety and embarrassment heated my cheeks at the same time the lump in my throat grew.

“Did you tell Signe yet?” Zaid asked, his head still down while he pinched the bridge of his nose. I could see the anxiety rolling off of him in waves. Why was I so hurt by that? Why was I surprised to see him react in such a way to my secret?

“No, I came to you as soon as I saw her account,” Jacqueline had swiped again to what looked like a document, “I wanted to let you know what we can do so that you feel safe in the workplace—”

“Ya ilahi,” Zaid groaned, sitting up in his chair and scraping one of his hands down his face.

I quickly stepped behind the tall potted plant near his office, my breath barely escaping me. I felt like I was suffocating. My heart was racing in my chest. Ice was coating my veins, and my muscles all felt stiff. My stomach was tightening in knots which made me wonder if I was going to throw up.

I need to get out of here .

I stiffly forced my legs to take me back to my desk, replaying the scene I had just witnessed, over and over again. Zaid hunched over his desk, distress coating his body language. Jacqueline swiped through all the evidence proving that I used Zaid’s appearance, both inappropriately and without his consent. The light seemed too bright at my desk, and I kept either closing my eyes or squinting them against my computer screen.

I’m having a panic attack.

Zaid probably is too .

Oh god .

Zaid didn’t ask for this. He didn’t ask for any of this. Jacqueline was probably walking him through the procedure as I spiraled. He probably had no intention of speaking to me ever again, and I couldn’t find a part of myself that blamed him one bit.

I had crossed the line.

Hell, I had sprinted across the line.

I had even come back over, just to dance across the line multiple times in the last few months. I could have pulled the project as soon as I realized how messed up it was. I could have demanded to my agent and editor that I change the appearance of Zayne’s character. I didn’t. I actively chose to stick with the original inspiration, because I cared more about my selfish desires. I cared more about finally landing my dream job than I did about Zaid’s privacy. His peace of mind. The peace of mind that comes from working with employees who don’t write smutty fanfic about you.

It was my own fault.

I had no one to blame but myself.

Surely, I would be fired. I was replaceable. My job was fairly entry-level, and even though I was sure that there would be growing pains between firing me and hiring someone else and training them to do everything I did, it would be worth it to the company. Firing the lower-level employee who, for all intents and purposes, sexually harassed the CTO would make more sense than fighting to keep me on.

Zaid was valuable to the company.

I wasn’t.

So, what did I do now? Did I just…wait to be fired?

A new wave of embarrassment and dread filled my chest, and when I glanced at the time and saw that I only had about an hour left of my workday, I decided that sticking around was a bad call.

I stood from my desk, not remembering sitting down at it, and started shoving everything in my bag. Charger, earbuds, gum, ibuprofen, and Midol that I kept in the drawer.

“Signe,” Jacqueline’s voice made me jump and snap my head up towards where she stood over me, her iPad that had my sins clutched in her arm against her chest, “Do you have a moment?”

“I—I,” I closed my eyes, feeling my chin wobble and desperately trying to control my chaotic emotions, “I don’t know.”

Jacqueline’s dark eyebrows rose a hint, “Are you busy?” Her eyes glanced at my computer screen, “I’m sure whatever it is can wait.”

“Actually,” I felt my heart racing in my chest, my fight or flight instincts at war with one another as I shook my head and shouldered my bag, grabbing the desk plant that Zaid had given me.

I felt my eyes sting with tears when I remembered how I got this cute little plant.

Part of me wondered if I should throw it in the garbage instead.

A bigger part of me hated the thought of that.

“Actually,” I swallowed around the lump in my throat, attempting to speak again, “I think it’s best if I just go.”

Jacqueline’s brows came down this time, “Are you feeling alright?”

“No,” I shook my head, a smile tugging my lips as my bottom lip trembled, “I’m not. But that’s okay. I’m okay. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“Worry about you?”

“I heard you, just now,” I jerked my head in the direction of Zaid’s office, making Jacqueline’s eyes widen as she straightened her posture.

“Did you?” She seemed a little nervous, and part of me truly felt bad for putting her in this position. I had just started to crack that armor of hers. We had just started becoming friends. And yet, she had to do her job.

I couldn’t blame her for that either.

“I did,” I nodded, stepping around my desk and inching my way toward the doors, “I can write out a formal resignation letter if you’d like.”

Jacqueline stared at me; her open mouth snapping closed as she stiffened at my words.

“I’m so sorry,” I felt a small tear trail down my cheek, something Jacqueline glanced down at as she followed me to the elevators. It wouldn’t be until the doors shut behind us and I punched the button for the first floor that I realized it was part of her job to walk me out. It was probably part of the plan of reassurance to protect Zaid, so he could confidently know I wouldn’t be coming back to his office again.

“Signe,” Jacqueline sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, like how I saw Zaid last.

Oh god, don’t think about the last time you saw him .

I sniffed, aggressively wiping another stray tear.

“Look,” Jacqueline had created a long pause after saying my name, so I took the opportunity to interject, “I know I fucked up, alright? I know I shouldn’t have, well, you know,” I nodded towards the iPad she was still clutching in her hands, “I didn’t mean to be this unethical about it. I never expected to become friends with him. I never expected to—” I stopped myself because telling HR that I had developed very real feelings for the man that I indirectly harassed probably wasn’t a smart move, “But, that doesn’t excuse my actions.”

Jacqueline just stared ahead at the elevator reflection, letting us sit in silence until the car stopped and the doors opened. She waited for me to step out first before following after me. It wasn’t until we had made it to the parking lot that I spoke up again.

“I do wish,” I swallowed around the lump in my throat once more, adjusting the strap of my bag before I turned to face Jacqueline directly, “I wish that you had come to me first.”

Jacqueline tilted her head to the side, “Why is that?”

I shrugged, keeping my eyes on the cute little plant in my hands, “I thought we were becoming friends.”

Jacqueline stiffened again, making me lift my gaze to meet hers.

She looked a little wounded. Not so wounded that my words made her have more empathy for me than she should have, but wounded enough to where I could see her struggling a little more to keep her professional mask in place.

“Signe,” Jacqueline sighed, “I was just doing my job.”

“I know,” I nodded, “I understand. It’s selfish of me but, maybe if you approached me first…I could have just left, and I wouldn’t have had to see Zaid like that.”

A touch of softness creased the corners of Jacqueline’s eyes at my words before she quirked her lips to the side and nodded at me once, “I can see that you aren’t feeling well,” her eyes trailing up and down my almost trembling form confirmed her statement, “I hope you feel better soon. You will be hearing from us shortly.”

I nodded, “I’ll send my resignation by tonight or tomorrow.”

Jacqueline hesitated, her mouth opening before she closed it and relaxed her shoulders. She nodded at me once more, before she turned and marched back towards the building.

I was such a fuckup.

Desperate for a distraction, when I felt my phone buzz in my pocket again, I immediately pulled the phone out and opened the latest update from Michelle.

Michelle: Still no takers, but this is to be expected. Stork Press didn’t think the story had anything special that hadn’t already been written in the genre. Unfortunately, we are going to have to comb through several publishers, and it might take a few rounds of submissions before anyone bites. Don’t let this discourage you.

When I got in my car, I practically threw my phone in the passenger seat in frustration. Fully discouraged. Heartbroken. Emotionally unwell.

It wouldn’t be until later, when I walked through the door to my tiny studio apartment, that I realized what else I had to do.

Because if I continued with this story, if everything continued as it was, I would be at serious risk of getting into more trouble. Zaid, and Sun Steer, had the funds to come after me.

I had to tell my agent what was going on.

Neither Michelle nor Layla were keeping track of my social media.

Would this end with my book being scrapped? Would potential publishers even want to continue working with me after I openly admitted to basing my love interest on a very real person like I have?

I wasn’t sure, but I couldn’t find the will to sit down at my laptop and start drafting emails to figure it all out.

Instead, I laid down on the couch. Kicking my shoes off, pulling a throw blanket off of the back, and mourning the one thing that I was truly upset about.

Beyond losing my job at Sun Steer.

Beyond potentially losing my book deal.

No, what was upsetting me the most out of all of this, was losing Zaid.