A Merry Little Christmas

Chapter 5

Nell

Olek’s and Max’s laughter was just about audible over the sound of singing coming from the kitchen when Nell got home. Max had got into music over the last year and liked to educate his dad about his new favourite bands whenever he came over. Olek’s musical taste hadn’t changed since Kim Wilde was in the charts, and it always made Nell smile to see him gamely feigning appreciation of his son’s obscure indie bands.

She paused in front of the mirror in the hallway and looked at her reflection. She rarely wore make-up, so at least she didn’t have smudged mascara. But there were telltale signs of her mood in the puffiness around her eyes and set of her mouth. She considered running upstairs and trying to do some damage limitation with foundation and blusher, but it was too late; the volume of the music went down, and Olek’s broad figure filled the open kitchen doorway.

‘Here’s my girl.’ He crossed the hall in a few strides and folded her into his arms, kissing her warmly. And then, tilting her chin up towards him, said softly, ‘I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. Are you OK?’

‘I’m fine.’ Nell felt her pulse speed up; what was she going to tell him? She still hadn’t decided. She leaned her forehead against his chest. ‘Shall we talk later?’

‘Of course,’ he murmured, giving her a squeeze.

‘Hey, Nell!’ Max called from the kitchen. ‘Dad, let me tell her.’

‘Hey, sunshine, tell me what?’ She raised her eyebrows.

Olek glanced over his shoulder at his son and grinned. ‘Don’t worry, I’m not going to steal your thunder.’

Olek’s English was word-perfect, and yet despite being here for over half of his life, he had still retained his Polish accent, which Nell had found very sexy when they first met, and still did.

They joined Max in the kitchen and Olek returned to making the dough for the pierogi while Max fetched them all drinks. He took three cans of Diet Coke out of the fridge. Olek opened his, but Nell shook her head.

‘I fancy a glass of wine tonight,’ she said, pulling a bottle from the wine rack. ‘A nice full-bodied Malbec, I think.’

Olek did a double take and said nothing, but she knew what he was thinking. They’d both cut down on their alcohol consumption, and didn’t drink at all during the week, to optimise their chances of having a healthy baby. Nell’s choice of drink was as clear a signal as any that something significant had happened at the clinic.

‘So, come on,’ she said, taking a seat at the table. ‘The suspense is killing me, Max.’

Her stepson set his can down and stretched his arms above his head nonchalantly. ‘Nah, it’s nothing,’ he teased.

Olek turned the ball of dough out onto the work surface and began to knead it. ‘It’s not nothing at all. I’m so proud of you, son.’

Max grinned. ‘Thanks, Dad. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves just yet. There’s a long way to go.’

‘Ahem!’ Nell swigged her wine and the alcohol hit the back of her throat. This was good; naughty but nice. She was going to have another after this, she could already tell. ‘Come on!’

‘A scout came to watch the Wetherley Lions play on Saturday,’ said Max, unable to keep the joy from his face. ‘I’ve been spotted.’

‘OK, go on.’ She gave him an enquiring look, willing him to continue; it sounded good, but she didn’t know enough about football to understand what this meant. Although the sight of Olek’s puffed-out chest was a bit of a clue.

‘He was scouting for Derby County!’ Max continued. ‘And he’d come especially to see me play.’

‘Can you believe that, Nell?’ Olek marvelled. ‘A professional scout came to see my boy.’

‘I scored as well, Dad. From a free kick.’

Father and son high-fived each other and Nell’s heart melted to see the excitement bubbling out of them both.

Max had been football-mad since he was little. His bedroom at their house was a shrine to his beloved Liverpool Football Club. Even when they’d upgraded his bed from a single to a double this year, he’d asked if he could still have the official LFC bed linen. He played for his school side, but also played for the local team. He’d confided in Nell once that his dream was to be a professional footballer but that he didn’t think he was good enough. He was like his father in that respect; adorably humble and never one to shout about his talents. Fortunately, it seemed that someone might have noticed them anyway.

Olek wasn’t a huge football fan, but just like with Max’s music, he took an interest in it because it was important to his son. He went to as many Wetherley Lions matches as he could and took Max to see Liverpool for the odd game too.

‘After the match, the scout asked for my contact details. Our manager gave him the landline number. He phoned tonight when I got in from school. Viktor answered and thought it was a scam at first.’

Nell quickly glanced at Olek and saw the twitch in his jaw. How he’d have loved to have been the one to receive that call from Derby County instead of his replacement. He caught her eye and smiled sheepishly. I love you , she mouthed across the kitchen.

Both of them listened as Max delivered the rest of the story in garbled half-sentences; Nell sipping her wine and Olek shaking his head in wonderment. Max would be starting a three-week trial at Derby County immediately.

‘And listen to the best bit. My final trial will be a friendly match against—’ Max paused for effect. ‘Liverpool! Which means I’ll get to play at Anfield. The actual Anfield pitch. I can’t believe it. It’s … like a dream.’ He punched the air, his face turning red with a mix of pride and disbelief.

Olek abandoned his dough, grabbed his son around his shoulders, and the pair of them leapt up and down. They were so alike in many ways. Max had the same shock of blond hair, the same vivid blue eyes as Olek. But their build was totally different. Where Olek was broad and muscular, Max was slim and wiry. Nell had always put it down to Max’s age, thinking that he had time to fill out as he got older. She hated the fact that she now found herself scrutinising every feature, looking for evidence that Max might not be Olek’s. However, there was no mistaking how much the pair loved each other. And that was what really mattered.

‘But it’s not a dream, boy, it’s real because you’ve earned this, and you’ve got the talent.’

‘You two look like you’re on the pitch celebrating already.’ Nell laughed and pushed her way in between them to give Max a hug. ‘Well done, Max, I’m so proud of you.’

Olek was right; he deserved every bit of his success. He put football above everything, would rather go training than go out with his friends, and Nell was thrilled for him that his sacrifice was paying off.

‘This is just the start,’ said Olek, taking his son’s shoulders. ‘You could go all the way to the top.’

Max exhaled and his eyes sparkled. ‘Imagine if I get to play at Wembley one day. Would you come and watch me?’

‘Just you try to stop me.’ Olek’s voice cracked with emotion. ‘I’ll be the proudest dad in the stadium.’

Max’s frow furrowed. ‘I could still play for England, even though I’ve got Polish parents, can’t I?’

Nell was starting to think that Olek needed to step in and manage Max’s expectations at this point, but he simply threw his arms out.

‘Of course you can. You’re a British citizen. And you have the added bonus of dual citizenship, you lucky lad!’ Olek extracted himself from the hug and turned away.

Nell noticed him surreptitiously wiping his eyes. How glad she was, she thought, that the consultant was interrupted before she managed to tell him the truth. Otherwise, the sweet joy of this evening might never have happened. Olek might have been as tormented by ‘what if’ as she was.

‘Right.’ Olek blinked and turned back to his dinner preparation. ‘We’ll eat in half an hour. And, Max, if you’re not already too important to help, you can start grating the cheese.’

‘On it,’ Max replied, sliding over to the fridge to remove the cheese.

Nell looked at them, drinking in the bond that they shared. She’d never have that with a child, she mused, and felt herself on the verge of tears.

‘I’m going to have a bath,’ she announced, topping up her glass again. The wine was already starting to make her woozy.

‘OK, darling,’ Olek said warily.

She hadn’t drunk this much since they’d been at Merry and Cole’s barbecue earlier this summer. She felt his stare on her back as she left the kitchen and escaped to the sanctuary of the bathroom to avoid further conversation.

‘Nell? Are you asleep?’

It was ten o’clock and she was in bed with the lights off, feeling buzzy from the wine and almost asleep. Almost.

After a long candlelit bath, and as soon as she’d eaten her pierogi , she’d left the boys in the kitchen, still talking football, and watched an episode of Married At First Sight , knowing that neither of them would come within twenty paces of the living room while that was on television. Then, while Olek had driven Max home, she’d gone up to bed, intending to be asleep before he returned.

But she hadn’t been able to sleep, and now he was back. He’d tiptoed around, using the bathroom and getting undressed, taking care not to disturb her.

It would be so easy for her to fake deep breathing; to put off the difficult conversation she knew was coming until tomorrow. But that would only mean that she’d wake up with a feeling of dread, and besides, it wasn’t fair to keep Olek in the dark any longer.

‘I’m awake,’ she whispered.

He climbed into bed beside her, lying on his back and reaching for her so that he could scoop her into his side. ‘Come here, darling.’

She shuffled nearer, wrapping one leg over his until they were as close as possible. At once, she felt the press of tears at her eyes, the constriction in her throat. She loved this man so much, why could it not have worked out for them? Why was life not treating them fairly?

‘I’m so pleased for Max,’ she whispered, avoiding the subject for as long as possible.

‘Mmm.’ Even in that one word, Nell could sense Olek’s joy. ‘Me too. Your child’s success is even sweeter than your own.’

‘It must be.’ Nell let out a breath; this was so hard. So incredibly hard.

‘Sometimes it’s easy to take for granted the effect that the next generation has on our lives and then something like this happens and you realise that whatever we have to go through for them is worth it.’

‘Like when you and Yvonna divorced, you mean?’

‘Yeah. She didn’t always make it easy for me to see Max, not at the beginning.’

‘I know, darling.’ Nell tightened her arms around him. It didn’t matter how many times she heard this story, it always made her love Olek more. He was such a wonderful father to Max, which was why today’s results were all the more difficult to process.

‘Then, of course, Viktor quickly became the man Max had the most contact with. I had to work hard to keep a father-son bond, when sometimes it felt like the easiest thing to do would be to let it go, start again.’

‘And now you have an …’ Her voice stuttered, and she blinked back tears. ‘An unbreakable bond with him. I’m so proud of you for that.’

‘Thank you, that means a lot, and, darling, it’s partly down to you that I’ve been able to keep playing an active role in his life, you always include Max in everything we do. I love you for that.’ He paused for a moment. ‘I don’t want you to think that Max would always be my favourite child. I’ve got plenty of love to go round. You and I could have any number of kids and I’d love them all the same.’

Nell felt a sob form in her throat. ‘I know you would.’

‘Do you want to talk about today?’ he murmured. ‘You don’t have to, if you don’t want.’

She squeezed her eyes tightly shut. This was it. Whatever she said now, she’d have to stick with. There’d be no going back.

If Olek found out that he was infertile, he’d want more details from Dr Bajek. And more details would inevitably include the fact that he might never have been able to father a child. Could it really be true, might Olek not be Max’s father? She remembered Olek and Max dancing in the kitchen earlier, Olek’s love for his son on display. She hated the thought of lying to him. But she hated the thought of doing anything to damage the father-son bond even more. Surely it would be better to lie to him than break his heart? She had never felt so conflicted in her life. It was an impossible situation, she concluded, but this time, the truth wouldn’t work. It just wouldn’t. She was going to have to lie to her husband.

‘I can’t have our baby, Olek,’ she blurted out. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘So the test results—’

‘Proved that I’m a faulty model,’ she butted in.

‘Oh, darling.’ His eyes found hers in the darkness and the pain in them almost undid her. ‘Don’t apologise, please, there’s no need.’

‘So if you want more children, you’re going to have to swap me for one with fully working parts.’

‘Nell!’ He pulled away from her, a look of disbelief in his face. ‘We’ve always been in this together, no fault, no blame. And no more talk of swapping you for another model. I can’t think of anything worse.’

‘Well, that’s a relief.’ She made a noise somewhere between a laugh and a sob.

‘Did the doctor give you any more details; was she able to pinpoint any particular issue?’

Nell could hear both of their heartbeats, his slow and strong, hers racing as panic flooded her body. What could she say to that? ‘It all got a bit technical, and I was so distraught, it was difficult to take in. Something to do with my ovaries.’

Lying to him was even worse than she could have imagined, and with every sentence, she was stepping further and further away from the truth. This morning when she’d got up, she’d been sure that whatever happened at the clinic, they’d find a path through it together. Now she was going to be on her own. Had she made a mistake, was it too late to put it right? She felt awful, and so, so exhausted.

Olek held her while she cried. She thought he was crying too, but she couldn’t be sure.

‘I’m so sad,’ she whispered, once she’d finally found her voice again.

‘I’m sad too for you, for us . Darling, there are lots of ways to be a family, perhaps there are other options for us? We can explore every avenue, if that’s what you’d like; this doesn’t have to be the end. We’ll make another appointment to see the doctor.’

A hot flash of dread ran through her. He was right, there were alternatives to natural conception, but they couldn’t access those without him finding out the truth. It was going to be tricky enough keeping their medical reports from him.

‘Can we leave it for now,’ she said, thinking on her feet. ‘I think I need to process this first before we do anything else.’

‘Of course. Nothing matters more to me than making you happy. You already make my world complete, Nell. And you always will. I love you.’ He kissed her deeply and she tried to respond with the same passion, but it didn’t feel right, and she broke away from him. She had lied to her husband now; the die was cast and she couldn’t take it back. She had never felt so uncomfortable with her own actions in her life.

‘I’m glad,’ she replied. ‘And I love you too.’

But did her world feel complete in the same way? She couldn’t honestly say that it did. Not anymore.