A Sinner’s Saint (De Bellis Crime Family #4)

Chapter 33

Chapter Thirty-Three

W hen I walk out to the waiting room, every fibre of my being wants to turn around and go back. I’m so fucking confused as to what I’m supposed to do here. I need to know that Cammi’s heart is still beating. I thought I’d be fine if I saw her, that I’d be able to continue on without her. The past year has been hell, but I’ve survived.

Now that I’ve seen her, spoken to her, I need her more than ever.

I slept for an hour at her bedside. I tried not to fall asleep, but she gives me peace. Just being near her creates a calmness I can’t find anywhere else. I still think she’s better off without me. I don’t trust myself not to hurt her. I also don’t trust her heart not to fucking stop.

It’s a stuck between rock and a hard place kind of deal. If I go back to not being around her, I risk not being there if she collapses again. What if she’s alone? I can’t let that happen.

“You look like shit,” Gabe says, wrapping his arms around me in a quick hug.

“Yeah,” I agree, because I probably do look like shit. What am I supposed to look like? I just found out I’m the reason Cammi’s heart is weak. I broke it, both emotionally and physically. I will never forgive myself, and I’m going to do everything I can to make sure she’s never in a stressful situation again. I just need to figure out how to do that.

“What happened? Do they know anything yet?” Daisy asks, Luciano sitting on her hip.

I pluck my nephew out of his mother’s arms and bring him to my chest. “Hey, little man. Miss me?” I kiss his chubby cheeks. I fucking adore my nephew. He’s the coolest baby ever.

“Vin, what happened?” Daisy repeats, using her no-nonsense tone on me.

“I broke her heart.” It’s the truth. “The doctor thinks she has something called broken heart syndrome, and I caused it. I’m the reason her heart stopped today and six months ago.”

“No. You’re not lumping the blame of her heart condition onto yourself.” Daisy shakes her head.

“Why not? I caused her so much emotional trauma that her heart physically weakened to the point of stopping. Who else is to blame for that, Daisy?”

“Vin, it’s not your fault. You can’t control how her body reacts to something,” Gabe tells me.

I shrug. I know they mean well, but the blame’s on me, and I’m not going to make excuses. I did it. I chose to break her heart, thinking it would be the one thing that’d save her. Little did I know, by doing that, I was slowly killing her.

I can still see her lifeless body on the ground, feel her lips as I breathed air into her lungs when she couldn’t do it for herself. I hold Luciano a little tighter, needing something good to clutch on to. This baby is that. He’s the essence of innocence and I aim to never let him lose it.

“I appreciate you coming, but I’m fine. I need to get back in there,” I tell Daisy and Gabe. I’ve already been gone too long.

“You need to hand him back if you’re sending us home.” Daisy points to Luciano.

I look down at him. No one can resist his cute-as-fuck face. “Mind if I take him to meet Cammi?”

“Are you using my son to try to win over a girl?” Gabe laughs.

“No.” I shake my head. “Maybe. But look at him. You can’t stay mad when you see this face.” I hold Luciano out. He smiles and giggles at me.

“Sure,” Daisy says.

“I’ll have Gio bring him back out in a sec,” I tell them before turning around.

When I step into Cammi’s room, I find her in the hospital bed again. Whatever she and Gio were talking about stops as soon as they hear me come in.

“Hey, mate.” Gio smiles and kisses Luciano’s tiny forehead. Then he looks to me. “I’ll be outside. I have some calls to make.”

I wait for the door to close. “Whose baby is that, Vin?” Cammi asks and her face pales.

“My nephew, Gabe and Daisy’s kid.” I hold him out so she can get a full view of him. “Cammi, this is Luciano.”

“Oh, he’s cute.” She sighs in relief.

“Wait… Whose baby did you think it was?” Surely she didn’t think he was mine.

“I wasn’t sure.” Cammi looks away.

“I want you to be sure, Cammi. There hasn’t been anyone else since the day we skipped class together and went to that park,” I tell her. “There won’t ever be anyone else.”

“You don’t owe me any explanations, Vin. You’re single. You have been for a long time now. It’s fine,” she says.

“No, it’s not f… fudging fine.” I quickly correct myself. “You are the only woman I want. I was a fucking—fuck! Fudging idiot. I know that now. I thought I was doing the right thing for you, Cammi. You have to believe me. There isn’t anyone but you.”

Her eyes bore into mine. “I believe you,” she says.

Now it’s my turn to sigh in relief. Thank fuck she believes me. I don’t want her to think I’d ever be with anyone but her.

“So, fudging , huh?” She smiles.

“Yeah, Daisy has a thing about me swearing in front of the kid. And, honestly, she can be a little scary.” I laugh.

“He really is cute. He looks like a De Bellis already.” Cammi glances from Luciano to me.

“He’s the best. Gio and El are about to pop one out too.” I can’t wait for another nephew to spoil.

“You like being an uncle?” Cammi asks.

“Love it,” I say.

“You should take him out. This room is depressing, Vin. It’s no place for a baby.”

“Hold on.” I walk to the door and find Gio standing just outside. He’s on the phone but walks towards me. “Can you take him to Daisy?”

He nods and I pass him Luciano before heading back over to the chair next to Cammi’s bed. I hang my head. I don’t know how to fix this, how to fix us. How to fix her heart. And then an idea hits me.

I look up at her. “Ask me.”

“W… what?”

“Cammi, ask me.” I almost add the word please . She knows what I want her to say. I can see the indecision all over her face.

“No,” she says. “I can’t.”

Ever felt like you’ve been slapped by a tidal wave made out of bricks? Yeah. Not fucking pleasant. I’ve really fucked up here. She’s never said no to me before. “You can,” I tell her.

“I don’t want to,” she clarifies. “I can’t do this again, Vin. I can’t. I can’t.” She repeats herself while shaking her head from side to side.

“It’s okay. You know I’ll never force you to do anything you don’t want to do.”

“But you did,” she says, a single tear running down her cheek. I want to reach out and wipe it away. I almost do but I hold back. She doesn’t want me to touch her. “You forced me to let you go, Vin. I didn’t want to. I was so attached to you. I didn’t want to let you go and you made me. I held you above everyone else in my life. I wanted to be to you what you were to me, but I wasn’t enough for you. You said you would never hurt me. You promised. And you hurt me in a way no one else could.”

“I know.” I close my eyes, trying to find the right thing to say. “You were enough, Cammi. Me leaving was because of my own issues. It had nothing to do with you not being enough for me. You aren’t just enough. You’re more than that. I hate that I can’t be the kind of guy you deserve. I hate that I let them win. I hate that I lost control, that I hurt you so damn much. I hate that even after all this time, after I’ve watched my brothers kill every single one of them, they still win. The monsters aren’t going anywhere near you, Cammi. And I can’t figure out how to erase them.”

“Your brothers found them?” Cammi asks.

I nod my head. “Gio wasn’t going to stop until he hunted ?em all down.”

“Good. I think I might have just found a reason to actually like him.” Cammi smiles. “I can’t go back, Vin. I love you more than I love myself, but I need to put myself first this time. I can’t let you back in. I won’t survive when you try to leave again.”

“What if I can guarantee I’ll never leave?” I ask her.

“That’s not something you can do.” Cammi looks away.

“Marry me,” I blurt out, and it’s clear both of us are shocked by my words.

“What?” Cammi’s eyes are wide as she returns her gaze to meet mine.

“I mean it. Marry me. I will never leave your side again, Cammi.” I need to figure out a way to make sure I don’t hurt her while I’m sleeping, even if that means having separate bedrooms. I will figure out a way to keep her safe. I have to.

“You’re serious.” Her words are a statement, not a question.

“I’ve never been more serious about anything in my life,” I tell her. “I’ve known since we were fourteen that I wanted to marry you, Cammi. I just never thought it would ever be possible.”

“Fourteen?” she parrots.

“I might have watched you from afar for longer than you know.

“I knew.” She smirks before it drops into a frown. “Marriage isn’t a guarantee of a forever.”

“It is if it’s us.”

“My parents thought that too, and now they’re in the middle of a divorce. I don’t think marriage is forever,” she says.

Fuck, I didn’t know about her parents. “You know that what we have isn’t like what others have, Cammi. Whatever this connection is between us, it has always been more. I know you feel it.”

“Maybe, but you left, Vin.”

“I was scared,” I tell her. “I was fucking terrified of what I did to you, and you didn’t hold me accountable, Cammi. You were ready to just forgive me, make excuses where there shouldn’t be any. I was scared of what I’d do to you, of the kind of life I’d force on you if we continued.”

“What’s changed? Why now? Because I had a small heart issue today? I don’t want to be with you just because you think I’m weak.”

“You are the strongest person I know. You are the most forgiving, the most beautiful creature, inside and out. You’re not weak, Cammi. I want to marry you because I love you. I will love you until I take my last breath. And probably even longer. Just say yes. We can work on everything else. I’ll do whatever it takes. You want to go to therapy together? I’ll go.”

I can see the wheels turning in her head. I’m not above getting on my hands and knees and begging her for another shot. I need her to believe in me like she used to. I need her to believe in us.

“Believe in us, Cammi. You know it’s always going to be us. When it comes down to it, neither one of us is complete without the other. There isn’t a universe out there where I exist without you.”