AJ’s Fire (Hampstead Valley #3)

Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Jackson

Things had been weird between AJ and me since that night at Freeda’s on New Year’s Eve, the night Darren’s soon-to-be boyfriend Merrick casually mentioned what a cute couple AJ and I were and how in love we seemed. All we did was walk in the door and chat with him for a few minutes. But what he’d said had made all sorts of thoughts churn in my brain, thoughts I didn’t want to face and didn’t think I could handle. After the New Year, I decided the best way to ignore them was to double down on my partying lifestyle, which meant spending lots of time with AJ, but it also meant getting laid a lot. The winter and spring went by as usual, though the tension always seemed to be there when I was around my best friend. And the thing was, I was always around AJ.

About the beginning of the summer, I basically stopped going out with AJ at all. I might not have realized I was doing it at first. But in the fall, sitting on the opposite end of a couch from him in the fire station lounge, I knew it to be true. I thought back to the night that had been the catalyst for that …

It felt like Emily Wyecrest and I had always known each other. Even before they thought about getting into business with each other, our families socialized, and Emily and I were thrown together a lot. She’d spent a few years as a tween on a popular TV show for one of her parent’s stations but had given that up by the time we attended boarding school together.

We got along and enjoyed each other’s company. We’d never dated, but we were so close that more than one person thought we had, possibly even my parents.

Emily announced that she was moving back from the West Coast to head up Wyecrest Entertainment’s New York division, and we got together shortly after her arrival.

“I love that you gave it all up, Jax. I mean, I love it for you. I remember that summer you started working at DE, you hated every minute of it, escaping to Cedar Lake every chance you got. I thought you and I would have so much in common when we both started working for our parents, but you”—she punched my arm lightly—“you’ve created this whole other life, dude. You’re your own man.”

“But what about you? You’re practically in charge of Wyecrest’s East Coast operations.”

“No, I am in charge of East Coast productions. Don’t tell anyone, but we’re looking to build a studio, maybe out in the suburbs or in Jersey. You know, take advantage of East Coast talent.”

“Wow, Ems. That’s really exciting.”

“I’m gonna ask this once. Get it out of the way, okay?”

“Okay,” I responded hesitantly.

“You’re not about to give this all up and go back to DE, are you?”

“Ems …”

“No, no. I meant what I said. I’m happy for you, and it’s obvious how happy you’ve been. I just, I guess I had this vision of you and me running the two companies together. How perfect would that be if this merger goes through? It just would have been nice to work with my old friend again, for us to take over the companies together. We’d be quite the power couple, don’t you think?”

“Ems? Are you saying …” I’d spent months focusing on my relationship with my current best friend, but was my first best friend, my oldest friend, saying she wanted something more?

“No, no. Ignore me. All I’m saying is that you’ve managed to defy expectations and forge your own life, and I’m proud of you for it. I mean, look at you.” Emily turned the conversation away from business as her hand found my upper arm again, and as I thought more about what I might want out of life, and who I might want it with. “You used to be such a scrawny kid.” She squeezed my bicep. “Ungh! All these beefy fireman muscles.”

“Firefighter, Ems. No one at the station is stronger than our lieutenant, and LT’s name is Freeda.”

“Oops. Right, firefighter. Got it.”

Emily took a sip of her drink; we were a good three or four in at that point, and she let out this frustrated growl. “Ugh! Jackson! I spend all my time with either corporate types or actors, or these days, realtors.” She mimicked falling asleep, her head drooping to one side, her eyes closed. She popped back up, looking as if a light bulb had just gone off over her head.

“I need to meet a beefy firefighter!” She stared at me expectantly, and I guess I just assumed, based on all her talk about us becoming a power couple, that she was realizing that I was a beefy firefighter.

Hooking up with Emily was not how I had thought the night was going to go, but she had planted the seed with all her merger talk. I looked at my friend with new eyes as I started to think about it.

I hadn’t gotten very far in searching my feelings before she continued. “What about that guy, AJ, that you’re always talking about? I bet he’s hot. Hell, the way you’ve gone on about him tonight, I can tell he is.” She must have seen something in my face as she continued.

“Oh, shit, Jax. Are you two, like … dating or whatever? You could have told me! Are you, like, on the down-low because, you know … firefighter.” She whispered the last word for dramatic effect, and it was the second time in a few short months that I was taken aback by the question. It made me feel even more lightheaded than I had after my last pull from the beer I was drinking.

“Me … AJ? … Um, what did you say?”

“I asked if that AJ guy you’ve been talking about incessantly is your boyfriend or whatever.”

My heart started to race, and my ears hummed. Emily looked at me so expectantly, and, it seemed, hopefully. I, on the other hand, was busy feeling like I’d just experienced whiplash. I tried to sort through everything.

Ignoring all the talk of AJ and boyfriends or whatever, I asked Emily a question.

“Did you know our parents are trying to throw us back together?”

“Oh, Jax, get over it! They’re always trying to set us up. The merger will get negotiated whether they get a photo op out of the two of us or not. Just between you and me, my dad and my uncle are as excited about it as your parents are.

“You and I have avoided being their pawns for this long, and we will continue to avoid it. What did I just say about you being your own man? I certainly don’t want my parents, or yours, all up in my dating life.”

“But how come we never dated, Ems?”

“Oh, well. I mean, I know we never talked about it, but it’s because you’re gay, right? I mean, your parents thought we were dating, and you never corrected them. I didn’t mind, because it kept my parents off my back too.” She leaned in close and lowered her voice. “And you never really dated back then, so I assumed you were gay. I thought it was, like, our little secret, just, you know, so secret we never even talked about it.”

“Gay.” I tried the word on for size and a flood of memories washed over me, like the heat from a fire as I ran up to it. All of the guys whom I’d thought of as objectively hot over the years. All those nights, out with AJ, cruising for women, taking them home, but then hanging out with AJ again the next day. Both of us agreeing that we loved our lifestyles and weren’t looking for anything more serious, how lucky it was that we found women interested in the same. I enjoyed my hookups, there was no doubt about that. But then again, I’d always known that guys were attractive too. Guys like AJ.

Since moving to Brooklyn, I hadn’t needed anything more than nights out with AJ, working with AJ, talking with AJ, going to the gym with AJ, babysitting his niece … with AJ. Other than hooking up with women and attending the occasional social event for my parents, I realized most of my time had been spent with him.

“Jax? I’m sorry if I got it wrong. Did you … do you think we should date? It would certainly make our parents very happy. And I guess it couldn’t hurt where the merger is concerned, especially if you were willing to come back to work.”

“I work, Ems.”

“You know that’s not what I meant, Jax. But do you … do you think we should go out?”

“No.” I couldn’t keep the surprise out of my voice. It sounded like I was just realizing it because I was just then realizing it. My partying lifestyle had been perfect because hooking up with women meant I didn’t have to date … anyone. Not someone who could advance my parents’ ambitions, and not someone who might be after my fortune, and not, definitely not, an objectively hot guy.

A memory caught hold as I sat opposite Emily and contemplated my life. It had been my first day on the job at Station Five. After going over things for a long time with the chief, he took me on a tour of the facility, introducing me to the team along the way. As we were wrapping up, we walked into an open bay, a gleaming red truck pulled out so the crew could wash it.

The chief introduced me around, and once I had met the last person there, he yelled, clearly exasperated, “Where’s Gordon?”

The group chuckled. “We sent him for coffee, Chief. Don’t worry, we’re leaving that side for him to wash.”

Just then he walked in, holding a tray of coffee and smiling, having heard the exchange. He had dark-brown hair that I was pretty sure was longer than regulations allowed and dark-brown eyes. He was a little taller than me and much broader, his FDNY T-shirt stretched and strained over his chest and biceps. His department-issued pants hugged his thighs, the various pockets bulging and making his wide stance even wider. He had a full beard, neatly trimmed and kept close. He’d come from the café across the street, which sat low between two mid-rise buildings, allowing the sunlight to focus behind him, bathing him in a shimmering glow. My body seemed to glow along with it.

His rich eyes crinkled around the corners when he smiled at the chief, which made me think he was a few years older than me. Up close in the brilliant sunlight, I could see the first flecks of gray in his beard.

“Happy to do my part, team. And around here, supplying coffee is a pretty fucking important part.”

As if to prove the point, the other crew members crowded around us to grab their drinks off the cardboard tray in his hands.

“We have coffee upstairs,” the chief groused before clearing his throat to get my attention, which he had to do because I was busy staring at the objectively hot guy in front of me.

“AJ Gordon, meet the probie, Jackson Dorso.”

“Cool, like the company,” AJ interrupted. I ignored the comment, not wanting to confirm for my new colleagues that I was indeed heir to the “cool” company. The chief still looked exasperated at AJ, but there was affection behind it.

“Dorso, I’m gonna partner you up with Gordon here. Your training isn’t complete until you know how to deliver coffee, apparently,” he snarked.

“Yes, sir.”

AJ reached out his hand. “Jackson, welcome to the Fifth Battalion. Looks like we’re going to be partners!” he said good-naturedly as I took his hand.

From my seat in a downtown restaurant, five years later, I felt the zap of it, of touching his hand that first time, the sun shining behind him while he smiled at me and made me feel welcome.

“Oh, shit, Ems. I think I might be …” I looked at her helplessly.

She waved her hand, and a waiter appeared from over my shoulder. “We’re gonna need another round.”

“Gay, Ems?”

“You know I can’t answer that for you, Jax. I’m sorry for presuming, but … Do you date women?”

I refrained from saying I bang women to my old friend.

“I don’t really date, Ems. I go out. I hook up.” It was a justification I’d given a million times, voiced with braggadocio and pride. I felt neither of those things, admitting it to Emily.

She looked right at me. “And that’s what you want?”

“I … I don’t know. I mean, I definitely enjoy women. I’m attracted to them. And …”

“And?”

“And I think, maybe, I’m also attracted to men.”

I closed my eyes and tried to picture myself happy and in love. I worked to ignore my parents’ hangups and overprotectiveness. I also tried to picture myself and my future partner at a movie premiere or hosting a fundraiser for the incumbent president or even at a fire department event. Those were all images that Emily fit into perfectly, but could I ever picture myself with … Holy shit!

A fog that had been clouding my brain for years lifted, and in its place was a beefy firefighter, illuminated from behind, smiling with crinkled eyes, carrying coffee. My happiness wasn’t some ephemeral someone out there for me to find, he was my best friend. And whether we were fighting fires, or watching cartoons with his niece, or dressed in tuxedos and shaking hands with very important people, when I saw my future, all I saw was him.

Emily watched as a series of emotions crossed my face. “You could be bisexual,” she said softly.

“Bisexual,” I repeated. “Ems, I think I’m bi.”

Her eyes held empathy before they switched to mirth.

“You know I still expect you to find me a hunky firefighter to date, right?”

That night was the catalyst. After that conversation, I stopped hooking up with women and went out less and less with AJ. I didn’t know what to do. I was at a loss. I missed my friend, but I had some things to figure out, and I didn’t think I could do that and be around him.

Over the next few months, I would download gay hookup apps to my phone, but every time I did, I would chicken out, deleting them after a few hours or a few days. I actually did spend a lot of time with Emily and used that as an excuse for not spending time with AJ. I fell into the exact same pattern Emily and I had had when we were younger. People, including our parents, assumed we were dating. Maybe AJ did too.

By the time the next fall came around, I knew a few things about myself. I was attracted to men, at least as much as I’d ever been to women. I was using Emily as an excuse to avoid AJ, and I was completely, stupidly, head-over-heels in love with my best friend.

I didn’t know how to resolve that last one, but avoiding AJ for months hadn’t done the trick, so when he invited me out before Thanksgiving, I put a plan in place.