Bonded Beyond Regret (Mated to the Monster: Season 2)

CHAPTER 4

NYX

I’m a mess of contradictions. I realize this, and it’s been this way since Andrew died, but there’s not much I can do about it. I’ve been trying to come to terms with it, but it’s not easy.

For the first time in three years, it feels like I can breathe, but the realization has me feeling guilty. The guilt is almost too much to take and makes me feel like my lungs won’t inflate fully. So, yeah, contradictions.

I’ve only been in Waning Moon for a few days, but those days have been full. Of new experiences. Of new people. Of a place where the memories of my mate don’t feel like ghosts surrounding me all the time.

And that’s why I can finally breathe.

The small home we’ve been given is more than enough for Aisley and me. It’s cozy and close to the packhouse, but not too close. I can take her to school every morning in a matter of minutes, which is great since today is her first day. We went over there yesterday to get her all registered before we went and got her a few new supplies. New school, new notebooks and markers is a pretty good mantra, if I do say so myself.

How Aisley would do with leaving her school and friends is what I was worried about the most with this move, but she’s accepted it without a problem. She’s even looking forward to making new friends. Sure, she’s a little nervous about being in a new classroom, but her excitement is definitely bigger than her fear.

She’s kind of my hero in this situation.

Seeing the way that she’s taken on this change and is looking at it like an opportunity for a fresh start, has me doing the same. I’m sure it’s helped that we’ve gone to the play area in the afternoon, and she’s already met a few of the pups in her grade.

She’s the kind of girl who can make friends easily wherever she goes. I know she’s going to get in the car this afternoon and be all smiles and full of stories about her first day. I can’t wait.

Honestly, I’m kind of dreading not having her with me today. It’ll be the first day since we moved here that I won’t really know what to do with myself. I might go and check out one of the training sessions since I did get a tour of the training grounds after my parents and Alpha Whitaker and Luna Tilly left.

Aisley was busy playing with Dalton watching over her. I’m not even sure why Alpha Samuel was the one to give me the tour of the rest of the pack, but he did. I’m sure he had more important things to do, but he was right there with me.

Talk about a huge contradiction. It was incredibly nice and thoughtful and made me feel more welcome in our new pack. At the same time, it was more than a little bit distracting.

It won’t really be my fault if I get lost in the pack in the beginning. It’ll have nothing to do with the thoroughness of Alpha Samuel’s tour because he showed me everything and told me about the pack’s dining hall schedule and what stores can be found right outside the pack’s boundary.

I just couldn’t pay complete attention to everything he was saying. Other than Andrew, Alpha Samuel is the most attractive man I’ve ever met. If I wanted to be honest with myself, which I’m not sure that I’m interested in, Alpha Samuel is hotter than my mate was.

Our new Alpha is tall with broad shoulders and muscles that are a visual reminder of just how hard the man must train. Then there’s the chocolate brown hair that’s a little long compared to what I’m used to males wearing. Or, maybe, I just haven’t been paying attention which is completely possible.

Not only is his hair a little past his ears, but it looks so damn soft. Part of me wanted to run my fingers through it while the other wanted to run the other direction and never look back.

Alpha Samuel’s eyes are a bright crystal blue that had me captivated. It wasn’t just the color though, it was the pain and understanding that I could easily read in his gaze. I’ve heard the rumors, and I know he’s experienced the death of a mate as well, even though it was a completely different situation. From my understanding, his mate wasn’t a good female who was evil down to her core. Still, having the mate bond ripped out of you isn’t easy, no matter the circumstances.

I could see tattoos peeking out of the t-shirt our new Alpha was wearing. It made me curious about seeing all of them. Andrew was very clean cut and to be intrigued by Alpha Samuel’s tattoos was more than a little surprising to me.

What surprised me most of all is that it’s clear Alpha Samuel is younger than me. I had heard he was only in his early twenties, but seeing it was completely different. No one so young should have been put in a position to make the choices he has or experience that kind of pain. Not that there’s ever really a good age for a person’s future to be ripped away from them.

“Come on, little miss,” I project my voice to where Aisley’s room is toward the back of the house as I finish doctoring up my travel cup of coffee. It’s a crime to not start out the day with some coffee, especially for me since I rarely get a good night of sleep anymore. “Time to head out for school.”

Aisley rushes into the room, the outfit she picked out last night on, her shoes dangling from the fingers of one hand and her backpack from the other. I find myself chuckling at the excited gleam in her eyes as she starts bouncing on the balls of her feet.

I grab her backpack and nod toward the cozy couch for her to get her shoes on. Thankfully, our new home was fully furnished. I wasn’t expecting it to be decorated so well, but I can’t say I’m not thankful. I figured we would come here and get settled with the basics before figuring out moving the bigger things over.

Since that doesn’t need to happen and we have everything important with us, Alpha Whitaker and Luna Tilly can use my old place as a guest house right away. Or they could open it up to a new, small family. That house should have love and laughter inside of it again. It was perfect for us before everything changed.

I shake my head knowing that Andrew’s parents won’t be happy about another family moving in. I guess it’s a good thing they won’t have to deal with it right away since they’re traveling for who knows how long. When I called them to let them know about changing packs, they were pissed at me.

After losing their only pup, they went out to see the world, but they were more than happy to have me stuck in a place they didn’t want to be. How is that right?

Aisley hasn’t seen them in far too long. At this point, I’m not sure she would recognize them if we came across them on the street. That’s on them, not me.

Everyone has a choice.

“Ready, Mommy,” Aisley chirps and we head out of our new house.

When I pull up to drop her off, my gut is filled with butterflies. She unbuckles and leans forward between the front seats. Her voice is soft, like she’s talking to a feral animal, “It’s going to be okay, Mommy. I’m going to have so much fun and so are you.”

“I know,” I try to sound sure of myself, but I think it falls a little flat.

“Moving here is what we needed,” she whispers before kissing my cheek and I have to fight back tears. “Go to the packhouse and meet people. You’re so pretty and nice, they’ll want to be your friend.”

How in the name of the Moon Goddess did I get so lucky to have this little girl as my daughter?

“I think I’m going to check out training,” I admit.

She claps her hands, “Heck yeah, my mom is a badass.”

I gasp and whip around to look at my eight-year-old who should not be calling me a badass, even though it’s kind of nice to hear. She simple grins at me, waves, and hops out of the car. All I can do is shake my head.

Once I’m home, I go about unpacking a few things I had put off. I didn’t want to get overly emotional with Aisley at home, but now I’m alone. Surprisingly, unpacking my jewelry, including some pieces that Andrew got me, and the photo albums full of memories don’t have me wanting to crawl into a black hole and never come out.

“This place is good for us,” my wolf coos. “Peaceful.”

“It is, I think Aisley is right. This is what we needed.”

“Our pup is brilliant,” her growled words are filled with pride. She stretches in my mind, the move languid and smooth. She feels a lot more settled than she was before and I’m grateful for it. “Alpha Samuel is a pretty nice, sexy perk here too,” she purrs.

I’m more than a little shocked. My wolf has never shown even a little bit of interest in any male other than our mate. What do I even say to that? With not a single clue, I don’t say a thing and finish up with the last of the things we brought from Silver Howler.

Since breakfast is still being served in the packhouse, I change into some workout gear and leave the house. I’m nervous about trying to meet new people, but if I want to make it work here then it’s time for me to put in an effort.

I can almost hear Andrew whispering on the wind that he’s proud of me.

It’s not the first time that I could swear I’ve heard my mate, but this is the first time it hasn’t made me want to cry and crawl into bed for days. No, this time I’m left with a feeling of lightness.

Is it this place? Is it because I’m finally trying to find a way to heal and move forward, even if it is without my mate at my side? I should feel like I’m betraying him—and I do a little bit—but the feeling isn’t debilitating.

When I step into the packhouse, the first person I see is Alpha Samuel coming down the stairs, probably from the Alpha suite which is on the top floor. The smile he gives me when he sees me has me stopping in my tracks. It’s a beautiful smile.

“Yes, it is,” my wolf agrees wholeheartedly.

“You’re very talkative,” I grunt back at her, and she rumbles out a purring growl in response. I’m just not sure if it’s at me or in response to seeing the Alpha in front of us.

It’s kind of strange and throwing me for a loop. My wolf hasn’t been silent since Andrew’s death, but I think she’s talked to me more in the last few days than she has in the last three years. This move must be what she needed as well.

“Nyx,” Alpha Samuel greets me as he steps close, but not so close that he’s encroaching on my personal space. “It’s good to see you,” his words drip with sincerity. “How are you settling in?”

“Good morning, Alpha Samuel.” Something crosses over his face when I use his title, but it’s there and gone too quickly for me to figure out what it means. “Everything is going well. We’ve unpacked everything and settled in.” He nods and then looks around me, like he’s looking for someone. The small frown on his face shouldn’t be attractive. When I clear my throat, his gaze snaps back up to mine. “Aisley started school today,” I explain.

“Oh,” he pouts before his face brightens, “I’m sure she’ll be talking your ear off when she gets done with her day.”

I chuckle softly and nod. It’s strange to find myself laughing when Aisley’s not around. For a long time, she’s the only thing in my life that has brought even a little bit of joy to my day.

“She will,” I agree, smiling at the thought. I gnaw on my bottom lip for a moment before deciding to just pull the band-aid off. “I actually wanted to talk to you about something, Alpha Samuel.”

His eyebrows shoot up toward his hairline before he nods. “Of course, Nyx,” he pauses before the words rush from his lips, “but please call me Samuel. There’s no need for you to use my title.”

My mouth falls open in shock and I almost stumble back with how fucking surprised I am. Not use his title? Is he serious?

“Um,” I stammer, “I’ll try?” The satisfied look he gives me tells me how much he likes the idea of me not using his title. It’s strange. I shake off the feeling and forge ahead. “I want to be a contributing member of the pack. Aisley is in school all day so I’m available for whatever the pack needs. I do want to start going to training, but there’s more I can do.”

Alpha Samuel, or just Samuel—weird—apparently, takes a small step closer to me. “There’s no need to rush, Nyx. You’re more than welcome to come to training anytime. As for the rest of it, you just got here. Give yourself some time,” his voice is low and deep, the cadence of his words hypnotizing me.

My spine straightens and I glare at Samuel. “I know I’ve only been her a few days, but I don’t need more time,” I snap.

The moment my words and tone register, my eyes widen, and I slap both hands over my mouth as I drop my head to stare at the ground. What the hell is wrong with me? Did I really just disrespect my new Alpha?

“Nyx,” Samuel’s voice is a soothing balm to my frayed nerves. He commands softly, “Look at me.”

When I meet his gaze, I expect his to be filled with anger, loathing and resentment. But it’s not. His blue eyes are dancing with amusement.

“You can do whatever you would like to do here, Nyx. Think about how you want to contribute, and I’ll ask around the pack to find out where your help will be most useful. How does that sound?”

My entire body deflates, and I start nodding my head. I feel some of the tension I’ve been feeling for so damn long start to ease.

The man in front of me doesn’t make any sense. He should be laying into me for being rude, but he’s not. Instead, he’s looking at me with nothing but pride and understanding.

My heart starts to pound harder in my chest and my wolf purring with obvious attraction is not helping at all. The only male I’ve ever been attracted to was Andrew; what the hell is going on here?

“Thank you,” I squeak. “I need to go.”

Forgetting all about breakfast, I turn and flee from the packhouse as quickly as I can. I need to get somewhere private. Everything bears down on me—all the loss, all the devastation, all the pain.

The moment I’m inside my new home, I press my back to the door and slide down it until I’m sitting on my ass with my knees pulled up to my chest. I wrap my arms around my knees, making myself as small as possible, and I sob.

For Andrew.

For Aisley.

For the loss of a future full of love.