Born to Make You Smile

THIRTY-ONE

True love is a lie.

It was the mantra my mother used to repeat every Valentine’s Day. After what she’d been through with my father, it was no surprise she felt this way. She rarely dated after the divorce. I briefly remembered her with the odd man, but her relationships were always short lived. My mother despised the chocolates and flowers and cheesy displays of love of the commercial holiday. Instead, we would make a mountain of nachos and watch vintage Hitchcock films. I’d always carried on the tradition, but this year, now that I was with Gavin, my Valentine’s plans changed.

“I made reservations for tonight. North of the city. A tasting dinner. You don’t have any allergies I’m unaware of, right?” Gavin asked, glancing over at me as we drove.

I shook my head. “Nope.”

North of the city. Of course. Far from anyone who would potentially know us. It stung that he still wasn’t ready to come out with our relationship. At this point, I thought we were getting closer to announcing, but we seemed farther away than ever.

I wanted to bring it up but decided Valentine’s Day was not the time to start a deep and potentially heated discussion about our future.

The restaurant was stunning and chic, albeit very busy. We were tucked away in a corner with hardly any privacy between us and the elderly couple next to us. Gavin and I dressed up, him in a gray suit and me in my little black dress. Thankfully, the snowfall from the day before had been shoveled away, so I could actually wear heels. It also helped that Gavin graciously dropped me off at the front door.

The tasting courses were decadent, plated like petite masterpieces. We enjoyed soup, a mango salad, dumplings, seafood, chicken, and a risotto with beef. I thought I’d be too full for dessert, but when the lemon torte and chocolate truffles came out, my stomach managed to find some space.

“This is delicious, isn’t it?” Gavin said, scooping a piece of torte into his mouth.

I nodded. “It’s wonderful.”

While we waited for the bill, he touched a finger to the silver bangle on my right wrist.

“By the way, where’s the bracelet I got you? I figured you’d wear it tonight. It would’ve looked perfect with that dress.”

Every single drop of blood in my body drained to my toes.

What was I going to say?

I shrugged, dismissively, my eyes darting around the restaurant. “Oh, I completely forgot. I chose this one instead.”

“Be honest with me,” he said with a frown. “Do you not like that bracelet? I haven’t seen it on you since New Year’s.”

“I love it,” I assured. “But it’s a lot. All those diamonds.”

He nodded. “But you deserve every single one.”

I put a lock of hair behind my ear. “Truthfully, sometimes I’m just not comfortable wearing it. Especially knowing how much you paid for it.”

I winced as the words slipped.

“What do you mean?” he said, taken aback.

I sighed. “I saw the receipt for the bracelet. Back in October.”

“The receipt? Where did you see it?”

“In your office. The desk drawer. I stumbled upon it when I was cleaning.”

“I see,” he said, his eyes narrow. “You saw the date on it, then?”

I nodded. “Did you really buy that for me all those months ago? Or was it intended for someone else?”

He scratched his forehead, and after a long pause, he spoke. “I suppose I should confess. I’d originally bought it for Michelle’s fortieth birthday. I figured I ought to get her something special. But then I immediately regretted it, not thinking of the implications of a piece like that. I was set to return it but couldn't find the receipt. Then, after I broke it off with her, it occurred to me that I wanted to give it to you.”

I blinked at him. “So you didn't buy it for me.”

I knew it.

“No, while I didn't pick it out for you specifically, it still made me think of you. So I held on to it because I wanted you to have something special. Something pretty. I wanted to show you how much I cared about you. But, if it’s too much for you and you don’t love it, or if you’re not fond of the fact that I picked it for her, it’s no problem. We can exchange it for something else.”

Like a new furnace, perhaps?

My pulse picked up, and I shifted in my seat.

I had to tell him. No more lies. No more hiding.

“Well. I, um...” I took a deep breath. “That’s not going to happen. I don’t have it anymore.”

He shook his head, seeming perplexed. “Why? Is it lost?”

My heart raced. It would be so easy to lie. To tell him I’d actually lost it.

“I sold it, okay?” I spat out. “I pawned the bracelet for cash.”

He blinked, moving back in his chair. “You what ? Why would you do such a thing?”

With a hand on my neck, I winced. “I needed the money. To buy a new furnace.”

“And you didn’t think to come to me?” he asked, his voice thick. “You know I would have helped you. In a heartbeat.”

The elderly couple glanced at us, and I leaned in closer to Gavin, speaking in a hushed tone.

“You already do enough for me.”

The server came by, interrupting our intense conversation with the bill. Gavin paid, not glancing at me the entire time.

“Are you mad?” I whispered as we retrieved our coats.

He ran a hand over his chin. “We’ll talk later.”

My muscles sagged, and dread pierced my gut.

He was definitely mad.

As we walked to the car, I lost my footing and slipped on a patch of ice in the parking lot. Thankfully, he reached one of his strong hands in time and caught me before I fell.

“Careful,” he said sternly. He had a hand on my back for the rest of the walk.

He opened my side of the door and waited for me to get in. He couldn’t be that mad if he rescued and opened the door for me, right? I tried to convince myself this was a minor blip. Something we just had to sort though. Then he sat down, started the car and drove without a word. He didn’t look over at me once, but stared forward with a stoic expression on his face.

When we pulled into my driveway, I sighed. “Can you talk to me?

“I don’t even know what to say, Grace,” he boomed. “I’m absolutely furious right now!”

My body fell into the seat. He’d never yelled at me like that before.

“It wasn’t supposed to be a permanent sale,” I said to him in an attempt to alleviate the situation. “I planned to buy the bracelet back, but then…it got sold from under me.”

“I don’t give a shit about the fucking bracelet,” he seethed. “It’s so much more than that. I’ve had enough. It’s too bloody much. Even for me.”

My heart stuttered. “What do you mean?”

“I somehow managed to get over the fact that you lied to me about your nighttime side job, as difficult as that was. And then I understood when you went to Dorina instead of me when you needed a place to stay. And when I invited you to come live with us, I accepted the fact that you weren’t ready to sell your house and move in. But to go so far and lie to me about your financial problems, then go on and pawn off the bracelet I got you for cash. You’d rather do anything but come to me,” he yelled. “And it speaks volumes . I'm so hurt I can't even think.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat.

“I can't do this, Grace. I want to take care of you, spoil you, but you won’t let me do that. You even put up a fuss when I send a bloody car to come get you from the sex club in the middle of the night.”

“Maybe I don’t need taking care of,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest. “Maybe I don't want the pity and the expectations that come with that. What if you decided to leave? Then what?” I swallowed, then added, “Just like my father.”

He scoffed. “After all this time, do you not trust me? Do you think I'm going to turn around and abandon you like he did?”

“I don’t know.” I bit the inside of my cheek. “I hate feeling like I’m so insignificant in your life. I keep thinking that any minute you’ll decide I'm not worth it. That our relationship is too complicated. The societal pressure will be too much. How can I trust you when you won’t tell anyone about us? When you hide me away, only taking me out way outside the city? I just feel you’ll always put your reputation above our love.”

“Grace.” He exhaled a breath. “That's absolutely not the case. I wanted to wait until we were ready, and clearly, we’re nowhere near ready for that step. Especially with you constantly lying and keeping things from me. You promised me. No more secrets.”

I did. I broke my promise. My word. Guilt swam in my stomach like an eel. I was a horrible person. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lied. But I know, no matter what, you’ll never be proud of us. You’ll never come out and shout our love from the rooftops. I hate that. ”

I blinked tears away.

“You must realize, it’s different for me. Think, if your mother was still around. Would you tell her about us straight away? Do you think she'd approve of our relationship? That you’d be willing to risk it all to be with me?”

A furious knot formed in my throat. “Don't do that. Don't you dare bring my mother into this. She’s gone, okay? And you know what? I love you, and I’d tell her the second we got together.”

“And what if she didn’t approve? Then what? You’d really chose me over her.” He scoffed. “I highly doubt that. You can’t even bear the thought of parting with a single one of her belongings.”

I frowned, my mouth going dry as I took in his cutting words. As hurtful as they were, he was right.

“Gavin. I don’t know what I’d do, okay? I have no fucking idea! Maybe we wouldn’t even be together if she was around. I know you wouldn’t be with me if Judy was still here.”

His expression fell. “I suppose not.”

My stomach hardened at the realization. “Is that all this is then between us? A coping mechanism?”

He shook his head. “Not for me. It’s taken time, but I’ve come to terms with Judy’s death. I’ve finally moved on. I’m ready for a future with you. But I honestly don’t think you are. From what I’ve seen, you haven’t dealt with your mother’s death properly. Your grief consumes you, Grace. It’s affecting you. And us.”

I didn’t know what to say.

“Look,” he said, breaking the silence. “I think we need to take some time. Time apart from this relationship.”

His words stabbed me like a sword to the chest.

“You're breaking up with me?” My voice trembled. “On Valentine’s Day?”

“I love you, but I don't see how we can work right now. At this point in my life, I need someone I can rely on. A partner I can fully trust, to be a good example for my children. Someone who’s honest, who doesn’t hide their problems away, especially from those who love them.” He shook his head, then looked at me with pain in his eyes. “I would do anything for you Grace. But not if you constantly push my help away. I want you to live here, in my home. To build a life with you. But you’re absolutely not ready for that.”

“Maybe I’m not,” I admitted quietly.

“You can’t continue like this. Living in the shadow of your mum and letting your past affect your future. You know you can't.”

“So now what?” I asked, my shoulders up. “Do you want me to quit too? Find work elsewhere?”

He sighed, rubbing his jaw. “I'll leave that decision up to you. But it might be best to take a leave of absence. I can hire someone else temporarily.”

“Oh. Okay.” My vision blurred as tears pooled. What was I going to do without a steady paycheck coming in? “Wow.”

He lowered his brows. “I'm sorry, Grace.”

After entering my house, I fell to my knees in the middle of the foyer with my head in my hands. The echo of my sobs rebounded against the walls.

I knew I’d completely messed up, but how could he give up on me like that. Give up on us.

I guess we just weren’t meant to be in the end.

My mother was right all along: True love is a lie.