Breathing Without You (The Courtlynd #2)

30. Emerald

30

EMERALD

I sit on my front porch, with a bottle of wine in my hand and see Creedence standing by his truck, but I don’t think he can see me from how dark it is, at least he doesn’t acknowledge me if he does. I decide to tease him and start talking loud enough for him to hear, I don’t even care right now. I’m drunk and for once my feelings are numb. Everything is numb, especially my lips. I love when I drink to the point of my lips going numb, for some reason I’ve always loved that feeling.

“Fuck, I’m drunk and horny. This is fucking stupid, fuck you, Creedence for breaking up with me, we could be fucking right now.” My drunken teasing turned into drunken depression and now I’m crying. I wonder if he had heard me because now, he’s walking away. I wonder if maybe he’s sick of hearing me, so he goes inside. I talk to myself instead because I have no one to talk to right now.

“Fuck, why did I have to go and buy him a helmet thinking it would just magically fix all of his problems or bring his fucking brother back.” I make sure I say that extra quietly because I don’t want him to think I’m shit talking about his brother because I’m not. I just feel like such an ass for doing something with such a touchy subject like I was just going to fix his years of grief overnight. I wasn’t trying to make his grieving go away, I was just trying to find a way to bring him another form of happiness.

“You’re such an idiot, Emerald, how are you going to bring him happiness with such a sensitive subject,” I slur to myself as I take another sip from my bottle.

I wasn’t having a bad night with rotating my bottle of cherry vodka and my bottle of wine while watching crime documentaries and eating the pizza I had ordered. I made sure to get something greasy to help absorb all this alcohol I’m drinking. I stand up and start walking down my driveway to my car, I climb up and sit on the trunk to sit down with my wine. Creedence is still outside on his front porch, I saw him when I was climbing up on my trunk but I’m hoping he didn’t notice me, I just needed some more air. I don’t get a good breeze with the bushes blocking my front stairs and I just love being outside. I’d rather be outside enjoying the nice weather while it lasts than be inside. I take another sip of my wine when I hear someone walking in Creedence’s driveway. He's back by his truck. What the fuck, now I have no way to get back to my porch without him seeing me. Right when I start to look over my shoulder to see what he’s doing, he walks back up to his house. Thank god, I think he was just grabbing something from his truck.

I take another sip of my wine. Fuck I’m going to regret this in the morning. So, I take one last sip before putting the cork back in. I hop off my car and start walking towards my front door. I head inside, lock the front door and walk to my room, making a trip to the bathroom and then stripping out of my clothes before getting into my nice, warm bed. I’m drunk and I’m lonely. What a shitty way to fall asleep and a shitty way to end the night.

The next day I wake up and can barely open my eyes. The room is spinning, my tongue is sticking to the roof of my mouth from how dry my mouth is, I feel nauseous and yet again, another fucking pounding headache. I laugh to myself at that one like it isn’t my own damn fault that I feel like shit. It’s not like I’m sick or something, nope I’m causing my own damn problems. I slowly sit up keeping my eyes closed and place one foot on the ground to hopefully stop some of the spinning so I can use the bathroom and brush my teeth to get this nasty taste of wine and cherry vodka out of my mouth. I finally open my eyes a little only squinting, not bothering to open them all the way due to things being too fucking bright and I walk slowly in the bathroom.

After brushing my teeth and everything I head into my closet and put on some underwear and a large T-shirt before heading to my kitchen for something to eat and drink. I take something for my head and settle on some pizza from last night, not caring that it’s nine-thirty in the morning. I grab my Dr. Pepper, a bottle of water, and the pizza and head to my room to check my phone and see I have a text from Winter.

Winter

Hey babes, how are you doing?

Emerald

Hungover… still drunk maybe? Not exactly sure yet. You?

Winter

Lol oh girl, I can’t even. You are braver than I am with all that alcohol mixing. I still feel shitty from it.

Emerald

I did too that’s why I drank some more yesterday, to hopefully feel better…shitty idea.

Winter

Well ya…I could’ve told you that one.

Emerald

Shhhh, we don’t talk about that.

Winter

Hahaha I talked to Chas, you’re still coming to that party Friday just so you know.

Emerald

S, do I have to? What if he’s there?

Winter

He won’t be, Carsten couldn’t get him to come. He said he just wants to stay home that way you’ll go and have a good time.

Emerald

Alright. I’ll go then, I already told Chas that I was only going if we’d get fucked up. So you have to get fucked up too.

Winter

Already planned on it, I haven’t been to a party in a while, so I’m getting fucked up, babe.

Emerald

Yes! I need to plan my outfit. I want to look HOT!

Winter

Good you need to look hot, maybe you’ll find someone to hook up with.

Emerald:

Seriously??

Winter

Friday will be two weeks since you guys broke up. You need a rebound, babe. It’ll help you get over him.

Emerald

Man, I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet. But I’ll keep it in mind.

I lie, I’m only saying that to make her happy. I’m not ready to move on yet and I’m not ready for any kind of rebound even if it’s only been two weeks.

Winter

I’ll help you keep an eye out for sexy men ;)

Emerald

I’m sure Carsten will love that.

Winter

Well I won’t be checking them out. I’ll just point to guys I know you’ll think are attractive.

Emerald

Mhmm keep tellin yourself that girl.

Winter

What? I’m serious. I only have eyes for my man.

Emerald

Good, that’s what I like to hear.

Winter

You workin today?

Emerald

No thank god, I’d be too drunk for it.

Winter

Lol that’s great. I have to work with Stacy, I was hoping you’d be there too.

Emerald

Damn, I’m sorry, babe. No, Lisa told me to take a few days off. She said she’d text me when she wants me to start working again.

Winter

Aww that was nice of her, I love Lisa.

Emerald

Same, she’s the best boss ever.

Winter

She really is.

After eating my food and texting Winter I decide on a nice hot bath before I go back to drinking again for the day.

“Actually, fuck it, I’m gonna drink while I sit in the bath, it’s never too early to start drinking,” I say to myself, that’s how lonely I am these days. I wake up, drink, get drunk, eat, and watch crime documentaries or sad movies because apparently, I think I need to cry more. I tried going back to work but Lisa knows I’m not ready for that yet, and she’s right I break down a lot still.

I can’t believe that in just a few days it’ll be two weeks since I’ve had a boyfriend, since we’ve slept together, kissed, or done anything together. Since he’s told me he’s loved me even. And nothing has changed about my feelings for him. I thought I’d be over him a little but I’m not at all. I still feel the same way today that I did when it first happened and I’m sure when it hits two weeks, I’ll still feel the same way.

I spend the next few days the same way. I wake up feeling depressed, alone and like shit. The room is spinning, my mouth is dry. I wake up, I brush my teeth, and barely get dressed. Only eat if I’m hungry and go right back to spending my day drinking. I’ve had my groceries delivered because I just didn’t want to leave the house until today, Friday and now I’ll have to leave. I don’t even bother paying attention to Creedence’s house next door when I go outside, I’m completely numb and broken. I wonder if I’ll ever find the old Emerald again. I miss Creedence more and more each day and the pain only gets even more unbearable than it was the day before. Am I really this pathetic or is this just what it feels like to lose someone you love? I didn’t respond to Winter or Chastity’s texts. I just kept to myself until today. The day I promised my friends that I’d go to a party that I really don’t want to go to anymore. But I’ll show up drunk and leave trashed. I smile to myself at my plan, although I’ll regret that being numb in the moment will be better than the aftermath.

I look down at my phone and see that I have over thirty texts from the girls in our group chat all worrying about me from the last three days. I finally feel ready to respond to them.

Winter

Are you fucking alive? Today is Friday. I’m about to break down the door if I don’t hear from you today.

Chastity

Seriously dude, don’t make us come over there and break that door down, I’ve been working out more so I’ve got more muscles and I’m not afraid to use them.

Chastity

Ok… obviously I’m not that strong but with the help of Winter we’ll get the job done.

Winter

Exactly, I’m weak as fuck but we can get the job done together.

Emerald

I’m alive don’t worry guys you don’t have to break down my door.

Winter

THANK GOD! What have you been doing?

Chastity

Thank fucking god dude, where the hell have you been?

Emerald

Sleep, wake up, drink, eat, drink some more, cry, cry some more, drink till I’m completely shit faced, and repeat.

Winter

Babe, that’s not healthy at all, why didn’t you text us?

Chastity

EMERALD YOU HAVE NOT?!?!? Babe, seriously we said we were here for you.

Emerald

I wanted to be alone and drunk. I’ll be drunk before the party so one of you will have to pick me up.

Chastity

Emerald, please this isn’t ok babe, you need to take care of yourself, have you been eating? I don’t remember if you said you were eating.

Winter

She said eat but like how much are we talking?

Emerald

I ate when I was hungry so at least once a day. I’m fine stop trying to be my mom, guys.

Chastity

C’mon babe, let’s go get food before we go out tonight.

Winter

Yes, we can go shopping and get something to eat, maybe a new outfit? Presley has the twins so I’m free all day.

Emerald

Not really feeling it. Already started drinking.

Chastity

Put the fucking bottle away, we will be there in an hour.

Winter

Seriously, we are going out go shower and get ready.

Emerald

I’m not going. Seriously guys I don’t want to.

Winter

I will come over now if you don’t go and get ready.

Emerald

FINE I won’t be happy about it.

Chastity

Good cause I’m fucking smiling bitch.

Winter

Same bitch same, see you in an hour and a half be ready!

Chastity

Wait, I thought it was an hour?

Winter

She’s gonna drag ass. Give her an hour and a half. I’ll meet you at her house.

Chastity

alright see you soon bitches.

Emerald

I hate you guys. See you soon.

Winter

Love you bitch.

Chastity

Love you bitches.

Emerald

Love you bitches.