Breathing Without You (The Courtlynd #2)

31. Emerald

31

EMERALD

I roll out of bed, the room still spinning. I lied about drinking already but I’m definitely going to start before they get here. I walk to my bathroom and brush my teeth real quick, trying to fight the spinning room and the nausea creeping up on me. I rinse my mouth out and throw on a T-shirt and underwear not even caring about wearing shorts since I’m alone and I walk out of my closet and head towards the kitchen, grabbing my half bottle of wine from last night out of the refrigerator and some medicine for my head. I wash the medicine down with wine and step outside wasting time because I really just don’t want to go anywhere before I have to go out tonight.

Just my luck, Creedence is outside playing his guitar on his truck bed, and I look like absolute shit.

I have dark bags under my eyes, my hair is in the messiest, messy bun hanging on the side of my head with wispy pieces around my face, and loose pieces hanging from the bun. My black T-shirt is oversized hanging off my shoulder but long enough to cover my ass, but not any longer than any of my too short dresses. You know what fuck him; I don’t give a fuck if he sees me either.

He’s leaning against the back of his truck on the phone, his back towards me thank god. I sit down and chug some wine then close my eyes trying to feel as much of the breeze on my face as I can when I hear Creedence’s voice get a little louder.

“I don’t know what you want me to do Carsten,” he says a little angry. “Dude no, I don’t want to talk to her.” Asshole, I don’t want to talk to you either, fuck face.

“No, not yet at least. Why haven’t I been calling you back? Cause I just wanted time to myself, time alone.” He throws his hand up in the air as he says it.

“Yes, I’ve been drinking already, I took a couple shots.” He scoffs like he’s insulted.

“No, you’re not coming over here.” And as he says that he turns around and makes eye contact with me right as I open mine to take another sip of my wine. Fuck. He stares at me for a few minutes with anger in his eyes.

“Go to the party, seriously, I don’t need a fucking babysitter. I don’t want to be around her either, not after what we went through.” Then he turns around like he wasn’t just saying that to me pretending like he was saying it to Carsten.

“No. I said no, I don’t need you here, I want to be alone.”

“Fine you can come over when Winter is at Emerald’s but you’re going to the party and I’m staying alone. I will kick your ass out, you know that.” He glances over his shoulder in my direction. I can’t keep the tears away any longer. I can’t believe he just looked me right in the eyes and said that. Either he’s still hurt, or he just truly didn’t love me. “Okay, I’ll see you later then just text me when you're on your way.”

“No, I won’t be passed out, I’ve been pacing myself, don’t worry.” His voice is angry and loud.

“Okay then text me or have her whatever’s easier.” His tone is annoyed. I’m sure the look on his face matches the sound of his voice too.

“Alright. Okay. Bye man.” Then he hangs up and keeps his back towards me while he sips from whatever glass bottle is in his hands, looks like it could be Fireball. Gross.

Glad we’re on the same page of our breakup. Just kidding, if he wasn’t a dick head, we wouldn’t fucking be here we could be in his room, in my room. Fucking on the fucking roof for all I care, we’d be together that’s all I want, at least I think that’s what I wanted. But now I’m so heartbroken I’m not even sure what I want anymore.

An hour and a half later, Winter and Chastity come barging in my house. I forget that Winter has a key. At least she didn’t have to break down my door.

“Knock, knock bitch,” she shouts from the kitchen.

“Hey.” I stumble out of my room a little, holding onto the wall so they don’t realize how drunk I am. I didn’t mean to drink this much before going out. But I can eat something and sober up a little.

“Dude, you’re already drunk?” Chastity crosses her arms. She looks disappointed in me. Which I don’t care she’s in a happy relationship with her douche fuck boyfriend that everyone hates now, but she’s not going through a heartache like I am. I don't even respond, I just stand there and lick my lips, holding the almost empty bottle of wine I opened after drinking that half bottle earlier.

“Babe, have you eaten yet?” Winter looks really concerned. Not sure why she knows what this feels like.

“No, I’m not hungry.” Is all I say as I lean against the wall holding myself up. My arms are too tired to hold myself up.

I chug down the rest of the bottle before they can take it from me and head inside. They can’t say shit. I showered, washed my hair, shaved, and made myself feel good and clean. Even though I was buzzed. I still did it. Then I got out and actually styled my hair. I curled it in big loose curls, leaving it down. So that way it was ready for tonight. I put some makeup under my eyes, so I didn’t look like I was dead. And I did a smokey eye with thick cat eyeliner, and mascara. My usual look. Then I put on some black fishnets with black high waisted shorts that show the bottom of my ass cheeks, and a hot pink crop top T-shirt, the fishnets covering the part of my stomach that shows, and my hot pink converse. I’m going to find a new outfit to wear to the party tonight, this is just to go shopping and grab food. I may be drunk, but I at least did a good job getting myself put together. They may be disappointed in me for being like this, but they should be proud that I put myself together even though I didn’t even want to leave the damn house.

“Let’s go eat first, you need to sober up, babe.” Winter tries to say in her polite voice, but I can still hear the sadness in her tone. Plus, her face gives it all away that she’s sad to see me like this but disappointed in how I’m behaving. I just can’t help it, I'm completely heartbroken.

“I’m down, you guys want to eat at Lisa’s since it’s on the way?” Chastity speaks up, I’m sure to change the subject and clear the air of this awkward, uncomfortable energy. I’m hoping that Creedence won’t be there if we do go.

“I’m fine with that, let me go grab my things real quick.” I go into my room and grab my purse, and a bottle of cherry vodka I found sitting on my nightstand, might as well drink up now if they’re going to try and sober me up and make me feel things again.

“Emerald!” Chastity practically shouts in my ear, “c’mon I think you need to chill for a minute.” She takes the bottle from me, and I roll my eyes giving her a dirty look.

“It was just the rest of it anyway. I didn’t want it to go to waste, besides I can drink if I want, I’m an adult.” I give a polite yet bitchy smile before walking towards my front door and grabbing my house key.

“Still, you don’t need to be drunk when it’s only one in the afternoon.” Winter starts getting loud.

“We’re just worried about you, that’s all.” Her tone is a little angrier. It makes me feel bad that I’m hurting her. Her father was an abusive alcoholic so I’m sure this triggers things for her. But I’m going to be a little selfish right now because this isn’t about her. It’s about my life, my happiness. And right now, I’m fucking dead inside. Creedence killed whatever was alive inside me, he took my heart with him, crushing it with each word he spoke. Slowly dragging a knife through it as he continued to kill me. So, I think it’s okay that I’m being selfish and only caring about myself at this moment.

“I know and I’m fine.” I try to say clearly but the slur my voice decided to add to it isn’t allowing me to as I realize maybe I shouldn’t have chugged that cherry vodka down as the nausea starts stirring in my stomach. I shake off the feeling. I refuse to puke; I just need some food.

Or maybe a lot of food. I’ve lost some weight so I could eat and not worry about gaining for once. I turn the handle and open the door, motioning for them to go first so that way I can lock the door behind me.

And of course, guess who is outside sitting on his truck bed playing his guitar? And he just so happens to have his back against the side of the truck to where he’s facing my driveway.

“Hey Winter, where’s Carsten?” He’s swaying a little and she looks over at me before looking at him. “Christ,” she mumbles to herself, but I hear it, I don’t know if they did but I know I did.

“He’ll be coming over later, we’re about to head to eat and go to the mall for some clothes for tonight,” she tells him, not sure why she gave him all the details.

“Okay, I wasn’t sure if he came with you now or not, I haven’t heard from him since this morning,” he tells her as he looks over at me and I look away. He looks sad, his eyes are bloodshot and a little puffy, either from crying or lack of sleep, but I’m gonna go with lack of sleep and drinking. I doubt he’s been crying over me.

“I’ll tell him to head here a little earlier for you.” She gives him a quick smile; you can tell she feels awkward talking to him in front of me.

“Alright, thanks, you ladies have fun. Oh, and since I won’t see you, please be careful at that party later. I’ve heard some shady shit goes down at those parties,” he slurs a little before he turns, walking towards his house. Not even waiting for an answer.

“Fuck, dude, why does he do that to my heart.” I refuse to fucking cry. I put this makeup on because I didn’t want to cry anymore. I wanted to feel beautiful for the day instead of a lazy mess so I’m putting my foot down. I refuse to fucking cry. “The fact that he just talked to you like I didn’t even exist fucking sucks.” I sniffle. Fucking shit.

“Aw babe, I’m so sorry he put me in a tough spot there and I didn’t know what to do.” Winter bites her bottom lip, you can tell she feels terrible by the look in her eyes along with the sympathetic look on her face. I hate when people feel bad for me.

“It’s not your fault, I just miss him. What I would have given to just run over to him and jump into his arms. To even feel his arms around me again. Fuck.” I quickly blink back tears because I still refuse to let him win. I will not cry.

“Babe, I’m so sorry I wish I could do something for you.” Chastity grabs my hand and gently squeezes it as I lean against the back of my car. I so badly want to just go back inside and drink the day away until I pass out drunk and do it all over again the next day until I no longer have to numb this pain.

“It’s fine. I’m ready to go.” I turn towards Chastity, squeezing her hand back.

“I’ll sit in the back seat of Winter’s car, you two can sit in the front.” Chastity walks to the back of the car and opens the back door behind the driver's seat. I don’t even bother responding. I'm just ready to get this day over with and get to the party where I can drink away my heartache again.

After lunch we head out to the mall to go shopping. I end up buying a black, skin-tight, mini Bodycon dress that I’m lucky even covers my ass. It hugs all my curves and my tits perfectly, fitting my body like it was painted on and showing off my tattoo sleeves, and the tattoos on my thighs since it’s far too short to be wearing. If Creedence saw me, he’d freak out or bend me over and fuck me.

God what I would give for him to push me up against his bed, push my dress up and shove his hard pierced cock into my wet pussy right now. I haven’t had sex or even had the desire to touch myself since he broke up with me. I walk out of my room right as the girls come back to my house, they left after shopping to go get ready at their places because I practically kicked them out so I could nap before getting ready again. I didn’t have to shower or anything. I’d just have to fix my hair and touch up my makeup after changing into my cock teasing dress.

“Holy shit girl, I knew you would look fucking hot in that dress. I’m so glad you just went with it and didn’t bother trying anything else on when we were shopping because you look fucking hot!” Chastity whistles and claps her hands in excitement.

“Holy fuck, if I weren’t straight, I’d totally fuck you girl, you look so hot.” I smile at my best friends who actually brought me out of my mopey mood I’ve been in this afternoon. I actually enjoyed myself and had a great time with them once I sobered up.

“You girls look fucking hot yourselves; damn Carsten is lucky to have that piece of ass to go home to every day.” I wink at Winter.

“And girl, you’re going to be pushing guys off of you tonight since your man ain’t comin’ out.” I say to Chastity, who’s been with the same douche for about a year now. We all loved him at first until he cheated on her and she took him back. But that’s her business I just stay out of it and I’m a good friend when she needs someone to vent to.

“Where's Carsten?” I’m confused because he was supposed to be coming with us.

“He went to get Axton and talk to…ummm…” Winter pauses for a second.

“It’s okay, Winter, you can say Creedence,” I tell her with a small smile. It still makes my heart sink through my stomach when I hear his name. But I can’t stop my best friend from talking about him when her soon to be husband, also father of her children, is best friends with him. I’ll just have to learn to suck it up eventually.

“He went to talk to Creedence before he left with us to make sure he’s okay. He’s been drinking a lot too just like you have. I guess he’s been pretty bummed out since you guys broke up,” she says, looking down knowing she feels awkward saying it.

“He should feel bummed out.” I can’t help but roll my eyes. “He’s the asshole that broke up with me, he could be going out with this tonight,” I practically shout, waving my hands up and down my body. Like I’m showing myself off. I’m not conceited one bit. I'm just feeling a little confident tonight especially after being a bum for almost two weeks. I’m thinking maybe I will try to find someone to hook up with tonight if I can get drunk enough to forget they’re not Creedence.

“Well let’s go get the boys then. Well, you guys can, I’ll go by the car.”

“Hell yeah ladies, let’s get fucked up tonight!” Chastity yells, throwing her hands up and doing a little dance.

“Wooo! Let’s get fucked up,” Winter yells along with her.

“Hell yeah bitches!” I shout, laughing along with them, actually excited about this party.

About a half hour later we walk into the party, the house is filled with so many people they’re practically dancing on top of each other, and I fucking love it. The music is so loud the base practically shakes the walls and you can feel the vibrations from it through the floors. The lights are off and there's blue strobe lights that light up the party along with what look like blue Christmas lights lit up around the ceilings and around the baseboards of the floor on every wall. There are two tables with alcohol along with kegs that line the walls with guys standing at the table mixing drinks and passing them out to everyone that walks by. There’s also what looks to be punch bowls I’m assuming filled with whatever alcohol they threw in there too. I can’t wait to get over there and sample all the drinks. Except for the beer, I fucking hate beer.

I haven’t been to a party in so long. Usually this would stress me out with how many people there are but everyone’s giving off such fun vibes, I love it. Either that or it's the fact that I’ll be getting drunk right along with them.

“I’m going to get a drink,” I shout to the girls, walking away from them. I’m at this party to have some fucking fun and I’m not giving a single fuck what they say to me, I’m doing me and I’m having fun. So, I walk away not waiting for an answer from them because I’m sure their first reaction was an eye roll.

I walk over to the table taking the first drink I see and down it right away. That was probably a reckless move right there. Just grabbing a glass off the drink table and trusting that it’s not roofied.

“Hell yeah, baby, did you like that?” the guy passing out drink’s yells to me over the music.

“Yeah, it was strong, what was that?” I ask him, hoping he’ll tell me so I can make these tomorrow at home after I stop at a liquor store of course.

“It's our house secret, we can’t tell you guys what’s in it. Do you want more?” he shouts, and I hold up two fingers. He gives me two cups and I walk away with them, downing the one and throwing it in the first trash can in the middle of the room I see. I walk to the other side of the room where everyone is dancing. Feeling the music and the alcohol I start moving my hips to the music. Holding both hands up dancing when some guy comes up behind me.

“Looks like you could use a drink.” His deep husky voice sends chills through me as he talks into my ear. That’s how close he is to me as I dance, downing my second drink.

I turn to look at a cute blond guy with messy hair, he’s not Creedence but he will do to dance with, for now. He’s tall, not as tall as Creed, about six-foot-two, blue eyes, and built like he works out every day.

“Yeah, I can go for another one.” I stand on my tiptoes and shout loudly by his ear so he can hear me.

He takes my hand and walks me over to the table and he hands me a drink from the guy behind it.

“Here you go, gorgeous.” He lightly hits his glass to mine without saying cheers.

“Thank you.” I smile at him and down half the drink. I don’t care if I look like an alcoholic to him. I just chugged my full drink in front of him before he got me this one and then I chugged this one about three quarters of the way down. He can judge all he wants. My lips start to tingle, and I feel a heavy buzz already, I giggle to myself as more of the warmth spreads through my body. I don’t care though. I’m ready to get drunk.

“I'm Matt,” he yells, holding his hand out to shake mine.

“I’m Emerald,” I yell back, shaking his strong hand. His skin doesn’t feel anything like Creedence’s hard working calloused hands. His are soft, too soft and doesn’t feel manly at all for someone as big as he is. Maybe I’m just being a bitch because he’s not Creed.

“Let’s go dance again,” he yells to me and I’m thankful for the distraction from my annoying thoughts. He takes my hand and leads me back to the middle of the crowd. I hold my drink and close my eyes, feeling the music as he comes up behind me and places his free hand on my hip. Bringing me closer to his body as he grinds his clearly hard length into my lower back and top of my ass. Because that’s where he comes up to when he stands behind me. I grind my ass into him, hearing him groan into my ear. That's how close he is to me, and I smile, it’s nice knowing I can turn another guy on. That I didn’t lose myself when Creedence broke my heart. That I can still excite a man. But I’m not getting turned on myself which sucks because I’d probably fuck this guy if he wanted to fuck me that’s how horny I am. But he doesn’t try making any moves besides grinding his erection into me and I feel like he could probably get off this way and its actually kind of turning me off.

“I’m gonna go find my friend, I need to go smoke.” I lie to him, although I’m drunk to the point where I wouldn’t mind bumming a couple cigarettes. I enjoy drinking and smoking sometimes.

“Want me to go with you?” he asks, and I shake my head. Kinda disappointed that my fake smoking didn’t turn him off. Apparently smoking doesn’t bother him.

“You don’t have to, I’ll come find you when I’m done, I might be a while.” I smile at him, so he doesn’t think I’m fucking around and not coming back. Even though I haven’t decided if I’ve wanted to come back yet.

“Alright I’ll see you in a bit.” He winks at me, and I actually feel bad because I might forget to come find him. But that’s alright, I’m not here to meet a guy I’m here to get fucked up. I need to stay focused on numbing this fucking heartache.

I walk around the party giving zero fucks. Like I said before, I’m doing me and giving zero fucks as I do it. I'm downing drinks and shots with people I haven’t seen in a while or people I’ve just met and I’m having so much fun. I’m pretty drunk so I start looking for the girls, so they don’t get mad. Although they should be happy that I even came out. Even though I came here with one goal in mind. To get fucked up. To drown my sorrows in alcohol and numb my pain with shots. I think I've become an alcoholic these past two weeks because all I do is drink since I’m not working, and it takes way more alcohol to get me drunk now. My heart hurts and the pain hasn't gotten any easier, if anything each day it's gotten worse. I just wish things would go back to normal. Every morning, I wake up wishing it was a terrible nightmare that I'm waking up from only to be hit by this extreme anxiety as I realize it's not.

I walk back over to the first table I got drinks from and hold up two fingers to the guy again and he just winks at me as I make my way out back and sit on the edge of the porch swinging my legs over the side. As I down my first drink and stack my full drink into the cup. I light the cigarette I bummed from one of my friends I ran into and take a hit, feeling the buzz from it tingle through my body and I smile. I love the way it makes me feel when I’m drunk. Yep, I’m officially drunk now, but I’m not shitfaced yet. I sit there and smoke my cigarette enjoying the continuous tingle it brings to my body, or maybe that’s the alcohol, or both? I snap out of my thoughts when I hear footsteps behind me.

“Hey, Emerald.” I jump at the sound of my name. Although I heard footsteps, I wasn’t expecting anyone to come up behind me and talk.

“I’m sorry to hear about you and Creedence, I heard about it from Stacy at the Diner.” I hear Daisy say while she stands next to Brynn.

“Thanks,” I mumble as I take another hit of my cigarette before taking a sip of my drink. I end up drinking half of it down. I look down at my almost empty cup. Fuck, I need to get up and get more. But I’m really enjoying this cigarette.

“Do you need another drink?” she asks me, and I look down at mine remembering that I just downed almost half of it. And I giggle at the fact that I forgot about it that quickly. Shit, I’m fucked up.

“Yeah, I’m about to go get one though so I’m okay.” I take another hit of my cigarette while she smokes hers, wanting to just be left alone. I figured if I came to a spot on the porch that was empty people would get the hint and leave me alone. Guess not.

“Here girl, you can have mine. I just grabbed it from that guy at the first table over there, the one who won’t tell you what’s in this delicious drink. I didn’t even drink out of it yet.” She places it down next to me and instead of telling her no I think to myself, zero fucks tonight, I’m here to have a good time. Plus, she just grabbed it before coming out here. I need to be a little more trusting and stop thinking everyone is out to drug me. Especially a girl.

“Thanks, I appreciate it.” I down the rest of my other drink and stack hers into the other two solo cups I have.

“No problem.” She smiles as her and Brynn put out their cigarettes and walk back inside giggling like something had happened that I apparently missed.

Weird, maybe they went to get more alcohol, or they were just done smoking and went inside. Emerald, stop being so paranoid I think to myself.

I pick up the cups and take a sip out of the drink she just gave me, actually more like I chug half of it down and feel the burn in my throat finally going away. My throat is starting to go numb, and I no longer feel the strong burn from the alcohol. I take another hit of my cigarette before putting it out and lighting up another one that I borrowed from someone else. Zero fucks tonight. I’m not ready to go inside yet either. The weather is perfect and I’m enjoying the slightly cool breeze as I sit here and swing my legs still looking down at the ground. I’m also super warm from the alcohol so it’s nice to feel the cool breeze blow across my hot skin. I sit here in silence, staring up at the sky as I take a hit of my cigarette, kind of getting grossed out by it. This is why I don’t smoke regularly, just for fun when I’m shit faced.

My mind automatically wants to go to Creedence, and I know I need to take another sip of my alcohol because I haven't erased my feelings just yet. I chug down the rest of it and put my cigarette out not wanting to finish the rest just now, I’ll hide it out here and save it for later. Or go find what’s her face, I forgot her name. And bum another one I’m sure she won’t care if I promise to buy her another pack tomorrow. Or give her money for them. I need to go get another drink first. I’ll come back out later.

I slowly stand up, feeling a little dizzy for a second before it finally passes, and I walk inside through the back door. My stomach turning a little as I walk. Almost like a motion sickness feeling. I still haven’t seen the girls or even Carsten and Axton since we got here. Maybe I shouldn’t have left them, but I’m sure I’ll find them eventually. They’ve gotta be around here somewhere. I’m surprised they haven’t tried to come looking for me either honestly. It can work both ways, if they wanted to find me, they would have.

I start walking towards the table stumbling because I’m starting to feel weak, almost like my body is feeling heavy and I’m feeling a little dizzy again. I haven’t been taking much care of myself over the last two weeks. I’ve consumed more alcohol than I have actual foods or other liquids, and I think it’s finally starting to catch up to me. It’s probably from how much I had to drink so far though. I haven’t exactly gone easy on the drinks or the shots for that matter. I finally get over to the table after feeling like I dragged my body there and attempt a smile at the guy, hoping my cuteness will hide how fucked up I actually am.

“Are you sure you want more, sweetie? You're looking like you’re past your limit,” he yells to me, his brows scrunched up with a concerned look on his face.

“Just two more please, one is for my friend. I told her I’d grab our drinks for us.” I think that sentence made sense as I slurred the words together. I give him a flirty smile hoping it’ll convince him. But he’s not going to tell me how much I can and can’t drink.

“Okay, but if you come back, I’m going to have to tell you no,” he yells to me again, over the music and I nod my head as he hands me two more drinks. He’s not being a dick either, you can tell he’s just truly worried. I’ve come to the table and grabbed two drinks for myself of this crazy concoction they’ve made up all night. And I haven’t shared any of them with anyone. They’ve all been for me and I’m sure if the guy knew that in the beginning, he might have slowed down on how much he was giving me. Thank god he didn’t see how many shots I did. I’m surprised I’m not passed out or black out drunk from how much I’ve been drinking. I guess my body really is building up a tolerance.

My head starts to feel foggy as I make my way back towards the back door. I want to sit back on the porch again but I’m starting to feel a little funny. I start feeling shaky, like I’m cold. But I’m not, in fact I feel like I’m burning up, so I know that’s not it. Maybe this morning when I woke up feeling sore it was due to me getting sick and not just from the drinking.

I take another sip of my drink and set them down on the nearest table. I need a bathroom; I feel like I’m going to be sick. I saw a lot of people going up and down the stairs all night so I'm going to assume the bathroom and the bedrooms are up there. I stumble my way upstairs, catching myself with my hands as I do. I probably look like a pathetic idiot who doesn’t know how to handle their alcohol to all these people that I’m apologizing to as I run into them from my body feeling so heavy. I feel like someone is pulling me down as I try to walk. I stumble up the stairs, dizzier than before and start to panic. What the fuck is wrong with me? I’ve never felt this bad from drinking before. Maybe it’s from mixing all the alcohol. Or all those shots and those drinks I had tonight and they’re just all hitting me all at once. I start to sweat so I reach down and grab my pink scrunchie from Creedence and put my hair up into a high ponytail as I search for the bathroom, I finally find it, the third door on the left and there’s someone in there. Fuck I feel like I’m about to pass out. The person finally opens the bathroom door and as soon as I get in there, I fall to the ground on my knees feeling nauseous and dizzy again, like I’m about to pass out. My vision is blurry as I start attempting to crawl towards the toilet. My shaking body barely allows me to move as I attempt this crawl. I start dry heaving my hands give out under me and I smack down onto the ground. My head hit the floor pretty hard because I didn’t have enough time to catch myself. My eyes are barely able to make out what’s in front of me as black dots dance in front of my eyes.