Dirty Secrets (The Heights #1)

Chapter 11

CHAPTER ELEVEN

RAVEN

I ’d gone to bed before Logan and Zavier had returned home, tossing and turning most of the night. I’d locked my door, hoping they’d take the hint and leave me alone.

I knew when it hit midnight because sleep evaded me, and the few times I did nod off, nightmares plagued me.

One of the guys kept padding into the hallway and lingering by my door, but they didn’t try to come in.

I glanced at my phone to check the time, seeing that it was five in the morning. There wasn’t much point trying to sleep, so I sat up with a sigh and rubbed my eyes, walking out into the hallway.

The house was quiet, my eyes landing on Reid’s bedroom door. It was cracked open, the silent invitation making my feet carry me towards his room as I slipped inside, shutting and locking the door behind me quietly.

He was apparently awake too, and he flipped the blanket back for me to climb in.

“I swear it hurts more every year,” I mumbled, sliding in beside him and curling into his chest, making him sigh.

“Yeah, I feel that way too. Did you sleep at all?”

“Not really. I keep seeing it.” My throat went tight and my voice cracked, his arms wrapping around me as his fingers slipped up the back of my shirt to draw circles on my skin.

Our routine was like clockwork each year. He’d hold me while I let myself cry, and sometimes, I managed to even fall asleep for a while.

Unlike last year, I drifted off to sleep for a couple of hours, waking up against his chest with his fingers still drawing patterns on my back. The sun was bright behind the curtains, and I could hear Logan and Zavier moving around the kitchen making breakfast.

I tensed when I felt Reid’s hard dick pressed against me, his voice tight. “Ignore it.”

“But—”

“Just a little longer,” he mumbled, his chin resting on top of my head. His breathing was a little choppy and I realized I’d woken up in the middle of him having a moment, so I waited until he was ready to pull away.

He didn’t look like he’d been crying, but the small damp spot on the pillow gave him away. I didn’t draw attention to it, untangling myself from him and getting up to stretch. Reid wasn’t someone who liked people seeing his emotions, but chances were high I’d see them later in the day when he struggled to hold onto them.

I felt better knowing he was letting it out, not wanting him to suffocate in his own sadness.

I slipped from the room and into the bathroom, having a quick shower to wake myself up more, before getting ready for the day and heading towards the kitchen for breakfast.

The front door was open, and Reid stood outside smoking with Zavier when I walked past and into the kitchen, giving Logan a second to slide an arm around my shoulders and drop a quick kiss on my temple.

“Morning. Did you sleep?”

“Not much. I got some in Reid’s room though,” I said quietly, flicking my eyes to the open door to watch the other two. “Does it bother you? I didn’t even think?—”

“I get it, Rae. You two have always done this, and I won’t take that away from you. I’m here if you need me, but please lean on Reid if it’s what you want. I think he needs it just as much as you,” he promised, kissing me again quickly and reaching for the coffee on the table. “Here. Did all the beer and stuff come from Rory?”

I took it, taking a sip before replying. “Yeah. I don’t know how they found the time to cook for us and do groceries. They have a shitload of foster kids in that house right now, it was mayhem.”

He chuckled, giving me a small smile. “We know. Beckett sent a photo to Lopez of you feeding the baby.”

“She did?”

“Yeah. You looked good doing it too,” he answered quietly, moving away just as Reid and Zavier walked back in, distracting me from the confusing thoughts Logan had just put in my head.

A car backfired outside and I jumped, dropping my coffee and cursing as it shattered. I bent down to pick up the pieces of ceramic, but Zavier spoke.

“Leave it,” he said as he moved towards me, carefully taking my elbow to make me stand. “Don’t move, you’ll cut your feet.” He lifted me, and my arms and legs wrapped around his neck and waist. Emotions hit me as I fought sudden tears, my grip tightening as I buried my face in his neck to hide it. The day hadn’t even started and I was crumbling.

How the fuck would I make it all damn day?

Zavier didn’t put me down, being more than happy to just hold me as he stroked my back for comfort.

“Cigarette?” he murmured, waiting for me to nod before carrying me outside and sitting on the steps, adjusting me on his lap. I tried to stand but he held my waist. “Stay there.”

“I can’t,” I said quietly, a frown tugging at his mouth.

“Why not?”

“I just can’t,” I repeated, his hands leaving me to allow me to stand. I sat beside him, knowing he was watching me as he popped a cigarette between his lips to light it, handing it over silently to wait me out.

When I stayed silent, he stood and closed the door to give us privacy, sitting back beside me.

“Who is he?” His voice was firm but curious, his eyes scanning my face as I looked over at him.

“I can’t tell you.”

“Why not? Tell me, I won’t tell the guys if you’re worried about that,” he promised, and I shook my head.

“Let me just figure this out on my own, please? He’s good to me, and that’s all you need to know right now,” I answered, and he was quiet for a moment before speaking again.

“Are you going to sleep with him?” he asked, and I winced, making him shuffle closer to drop an arm around my shoulders. “You already did? Was he gentle? Did he push you? Give me all the girl talk. I’ll feel better knowing these things.”

I chuckled, taking a drag of my cigarette and blowing it towards him. “We’re not together, just keeping it casual. Before you get mad, I asked him to do this, he didn’t expect it. He made it really good for me.”

“Aftercare?”

“He preached the importance of foreplay and aftercare beforehand. He wouldn’t let me out of it.”

“Did he at least get you off?”

“Zavier—”

“What? It’s an important question,” he huffed, eyeing me curiously. “Did he use protection?”

“Stop trying to mother me,” I grumbled, dropping my head onto his shoulder. “I came a million times, he talked me through it all, checked in with me, and he likes to teach me things.”

“Protection?” he repeated with a little more bite, and I sighed.

“Yeah. He used a condom.” I wasn’t going to tell him we hadn’t used one since, or he’d flip out.

I knew better than to risk it, so I was definitely going to get the pill or something soon.

As long as he didn’t come in me, it would be fine.

“Good. So, it was that good you went back for more?” he grinned, and I relaxed at how easily he was taking this. Reid would’ve blown a gasket and dragged me around the Heights to find the guy and beaten him half to death.

“I think I’m a sex addict,” I whisper-yelled, making him laugh.

“Well, I’m glad, I guess. Come to me if you need help or advice, okay? Secret’s safe with me, Rae. Does this mean we can’t sleep in your room anymore? Whatever boundaries you set, you know I’ll respect it.”

I couldn’t exactly tell him no, so I shrugged. “He knows the deal with you guys. He’s okay with it.”

“Is he stupid? That’s how you get your girlfriend stolen,” he joked.

“We’re not dating. Casual, remember? We just agreed not to sleep with other people while we’re doing whatever this is.”

“Are you really keeping it casual because it’s what you want, or because you want to please him?”

“It’s what I want. I just want to learn things and explore a little. He’s got a lot of experience, and he’s really patient about explaining everything to me.”

“Sounds like you hit the jackpot then. I’m really happy for you if this is what you want,” he smiled, but it looked a little forced.

I took his hand, giving it a squeeze. “No matter what, I’ll always need you. No one could ever replace you guys.”

I tossed my cigarette butt in the tin close by and stood, helping him to his feet.

“I think you need to organize contraception if you’re sexually active,” he said quietly, halting me from opening the front door. “Just to be safe.”

“I know.”

“I mean it. Don’t listen to him if he tries to convince you to let him fuck you without a condom. It’s not worth the risk. If even a tiny drop of cum is left in you, it can make a baby,” he warned, and I swatted his chest with annoyance.

“I know, I’m not an idiot. I know how babies are made.”

“I’m not trying to make you feel stupid, but you’ll learn your experience from him. I don’t know him, so I don’t trust him to be careful. I just want you to know what’s bullshit in case he tries to trick you. Guys like to fuck without condoms, I know because I’m a guy and have risked it in the past when I was younger. If you guys get serious and start dating, he might try to convince you not to use one. Before he even tries to convince you otherwise, the pull out and pray method doesn’t work. A lot of guys don’t pull out fast enough.” My eyes widened a second before I realized my reaction, and Zavier clenched his fists, stepping closer. “Is he trying to convince you to do that?”

“No,” I chuckled, trying to calm my expression. “I just hear a lot of people use that method.”

He relaxed, shaking his head. “Don’t rely on it, no matter what people say. Besides, condoms keep you safe from STDs too. If he’s experienced, it’s likely he’s had a lot of practice. The Heights is infested with shit like that, so be careful. If you have concerns about anything weird, you tell me. No judgment, just help. I promise.”

The door opened and Logan poked his head out, suspicion in his eyes. “What are you two doing?”

“Just girl talk,” Zavier answered as he pushed past him and headed inside, Logan giving me a look that said I’d better explain. I stepped inside, seeing Zavier and Reid weren’t close by.

“I told him I’m seeing someone,” I whispered, his eyebrows shooting up to his hairline.

“Excuse me?”

I flinched, stumbling over my words. “I didn’t tell him it was you, but he was wanting me to sit on his lap and I kind of told him why I couldn’t. Don’t worry, I won’t blurt it out to other people.”

“I just wasn’t expecting you to tell him anything, that’s all,” he answered, glancing over his shoulder to make sure we were alone, before stepping closer to drop his hands to my waist. “You sure he won’t say anything to Reid? If he does, Reid will lose his fucking mind. If that happens, I’m not hiding that it’s me, okay? I won’t have him yelling at you and making you feel guilty for it. He can yell at me instead.”

“He’s happy for me and said he’d keep it a secret. He told me the pull out method doesn’t work,” I said dryly, and he winced.

“It’s safer than coming inside you, but yeah. We’ll be more careful. No more risks.”

“Deal,” I smiled, my fingers tangling in the front of his shirt. “So, what did you make me for breakfast?”

“Come sit, I made you a fresh coffee too,” he said softly, steering me into the kitchen and towards the table to see the mess I’d left on the floor was gone. I sat down and he joined me, my mouth watering at the eggs and bacon piled up on my plate.

“Where’d you get the eggs?” I asked as I shoveled some into my mouth, making him grin.

“Some old lady in Ashburn was struggling to carry her groceries yesterday, so we helped her. She gave us some eggs as a thank you. She has chickens.”

“That was nice of her,” I replied, tearing some bacon and popping it into my mouth. “Where’s Reid?”

“Showering. I think it was an excuse to be alone for a few minutes.”

“Should someone check on him?”

“Nah, not yet. If he doesn’t come out for a while, then I’ll check on him. For now, you eat,” he answered, checking his phone while I ate the rest of my food.

Reid

I’d barely made it to the bathroom before tears started leaking. Raven didn’t need to see that shit, she had her own broken heart to heal. She didn’t need to feel obligated to fix mine too.

Every year it was the same. We’d both fall apart while holding each other together, and with every year that passed, I swore it only got harder.

Josh should’ve been here with us. Raven never should’ve had to grow up without her brother, and I never should’ve had to watch my best friend die.

I wished Raven hadn’t had to see it because I felt like she would’ve healed more by now without that kind of trauma planted in her memories.

I switched the shower on once I’d stripped off, and then I stepped under the spray as it heated, frustration rolling through me as my leg ached from the chill. I’d overdone it with that chick the other night, just like Zavier had warned me.

I had to get Raven out of my head though, and no matter how hard I fucked someone else, she was all I fucking saw.

My best friend would hate me for the things I thought about doing to his sister.

My chest ached as I tried to contain the emotions, but I finally choked on a sob, giving in to it. If I didn’t let it out now, I’d be a mess by lunch in front of everyone.

I leaned on the tiles beside me, not realizing I must have been louder than I thought because Logan stepped into the shower fully clothed and gave me a tight hug, not caring that he was getting soaked.

He didn’t speak, knowing I didn’t want to talk, and I slid my arms around his middle to savor the comfort.

This was why he was family to me, he had my back and just knew when I needed him.

“You know,” he finally mumbled, teasing in his voice. “If you’re going to put your dick on me, the least you can do is take me out for dinner first. I’m not a piece of meat, bro.”

I choked out a laugh, pulling away from him to wipe my face. “You’re an ass.”

“Look, if you buy me dessert too, I’ll suck it for you,” he winked, almost slipping as he dodged my swat. “Hey! Save it for the bedroom!” I flipped him off and he turned serious again, his voice low. “What can I do?”

“Nothing. You’re already doing it,” I answered, switching the water off and grabbing a towel, tossing one to him as he stripped his wet clothes off to get dry. Nakedness didn’t really faze us, we’d been tag-teaming women forever and weren’t exactly scared of seeing each other’s dicks.

“She’s worried about you,” he said quietly, rubbing the towel over his wet hair while watching me.

“Has she eaten breakfast?” I didn’t need her to worry, it would only make her cry more and I couldn’t handle knowing it was because of me.

“Yeah, she’s perked up a bit. Zav cheered her up,” he replied, a weird tone in his voice.

“Is that a bad thing?”

“I guess not,” he mumbled, not bothering to get dressed before slipping from the room, and I heard Zavier scolding him for flashing Raven. She cursed, making Logan laugh as he shut himself in his bedroom, and a second later Zavier had her giggling at something, the ache in my chest loosening slightly.

She’d be okay, she just had to get through today.

The part we liked about today was visiting Josh’s grave and telling Zavier stories about him. Raven laughed as she told him about the time her brother had shit his pants, thanks to Logan putting laxatives in his drink once, and Zavier cracked up laughing as if he hadn’t heard the story a million times before.

Logan went into great detail about the entire ordeal, and Raven leaned back against me as she listened like it was the first time hearing it.

We repeated the same stories most years, finding comfort in the memories we all shared. It felt like Zavier had been there since he knew so much, and I think that made Raven happy.

I hadn’t lied though, I was pretty sure Josh would’ve hated him. Maybe if we’d met him differently they would’ve been really good friends, but the fact that Zavier had spent most of his time running from his psycho father and stalking Raven like a creep, my money was on the fact Josh would’ve beaten his ass and sent him packing.

I sat up more and tugged Raven between my legs, placing my chin on her shoulder as I listened, and she leaned back on me more with a sigh.

It was twisted, but I wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of the day in bed with her, drowning our sorrows in each other.

Logan kept eyeing us, and I almost told him to mind his own business. He knew I’d never break my promise to him about keeping my hands off her, let alone my promise to Josh.

Then again, it was getting more and more difficult to stick to.

She’d felt so good against me this morning, and if she wasn’t a virgin, I would’ve pushed to see if she wanted more. But she was, so I had to keep control of myself.

When the day dragged on and Raven started shivering, we convinced her it was time to leave. Zavier drove so I could tuck her against me in the back, and the pain in my chest returned the closer to home we got.

I wished she’d let the house go, but she refused to when it was where all the memories of him were. To me, it was what stopped us all from healing, but I’d never force her out.

This was her home, our home, and she’d leave it behind when she was ready.

I let her shut herself in my room alone, Logan letting out a sigh. “We might leave you two alone, if you want? I know you’ll both be more open to letting the grief out without us here.”

“Where would you go?” I asked, and he shrugged.

“Jett got some new game he’s been wanting to show me. I can hang with him while Zav hangs with Beck.”

“She might need?—”

“If either of you need us, we’ll come back, but you know for a fact that every year you two lock yourselves away for the evening and we don’t see you until the next morning,” he cut in gently, patting my shoulder. “Look after our girl and let her look after you.”

“Go and tell her you’re leaving so she doesn’t think you snuck out,” I warned, watching him walk into my bedroom as Zavier appeared beside me. “Josh would punch me in the face for letting her in my bed.”

He snickered, dropping an arm around my shoulders. “He’d probably just be grateful to have help wrangling her. She’s a little prickly sometimes, and you’re good with her.”

“I’m the worst with her. All we do half the time is fight.”

“You fight because you love each other. That’s what family does, so don’t be too hard on yourself.”

“Loving her is torture.”

“I know, I feel the same,” he murmured, ruffling my hair. “I’ll see you tomorrow, unless you need me. Call, I mean it.”

“Thanks, bro,” I smiled, looking back up at Logan as he slipped from my room and joined us again.

“Let’s go. You go snuggle Rae,” he ordered, both of them leaving me alone to spend the night curled up with Raven.

I made sure the house was locked and the lights were off before going to my room, Raven’s eyes on me as I stripped down to my boxers and turned off the light.

The lamp was on, so I easily found my way into bed and tugged her against me, her warm legs tangling with mine. She’d slipped one of my shirts on and was missing pants, which wasn’t going to be good for my self-control right now.

“He’d be so mad at us for still crying over him,” she chuckled, tears still in her voice. “He’d call us little bitches.”

“He would’ve punched me by now for sure,” I said dryly, reaching up to tuck her hair behind her ear so I could hold her gaze. “For being a pussy and for letting you anywhere near my bed.”

She choked on a laugh, and I brushed away the tear that dripped across the bridge of her nose.

“He never would’ve let Zavier move in.”

“Or let us associate with Beckett.”

“He probably would’ve tried to bang her, to be honest. He was stupid like that,” she forced out with a shaky smile. “I miss the dumb shit he did.”

“Me too, Rae,” I murmured, cupping her cheek. She sniffled, staring at me as I stroked her cheek with my thumb, and this time when I leaned closer, she didn’t pull away.

She sucked in a sharp breath as my lips hovered over hers, her voice soft. “We can’t.”

“Give me one good reason why not.”

“Reid—”

“Just tonight. Please.” I’d beg if I had to. The pain was only growing worse, and I needed to soothe it in the only way I knew how.

Her touch could fix anything.

She shook her head but I stopped the motion as I pressed my mouth to hers, making her freeze for a second before she relaxed and kissed me back. It was everything, the bad day slipping away as she opened for me so I could tease her tongue with mine.

Her hand moved to my waist as she pulled me closer, and I rolled over to brace above her as I kissed her into the pillows. When my kiss turned harder, she matched me, her arms circling my back with a gasp as my cock pressed against her panties.

I couldn’t just slide them to the side and slam into her, but she seemed to like me grinding against her.

She made the sweetest sounds with every thrust.

Her body arched slightly as I dipped a hand into her panties, a groan leaving me the second my fingers found her soaked clit.

I didn’t want to hurt her, so I carefully eased a finger inside, making her squirm as my thumb rubbed circles on her clit until her nails dug into my back and her legs tried to close to stop the sensation.

She moaned into my mouth as her body jerked, her pussy clamping around my finger tightly, and just when I was considering going down on her to see what else she liked, she shoved me.

“Get off me!”

I frowned, easing my hand out of her panties. “What’s wrong?” Panic filled me as she shoved me again and burst into sobs, trying to get away from me. “Did I hurt you? Talk to me.”

Maybe a finger had been too much for her?

I tried to reach for her, but she smacked my hand away. “Don’t!”

“I won’t touch you,” I said carefully, sitting back to give her some space. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”

We were both emotionally fried from the day, so I should’ve fucking known better.

She tried to make a break for it, but I wasn’t going to let her run off like this. I grabbed her and wrapped my arms around her as she tried to fight me off, her frantic thrashing and cursing turning into heavy sobs as she became slack in my hold.

“Stay. I’m sorry,” I murmured into her hair as I laid down and held her to my chest, letting her cry it out until her sobs turned to sniffles before she eventually exhausted herself and fell asleep.

At first, I thought maybe someone had hurt her by her freaked out reaction, but I shook that thought from my head. Raven was stubborn, but I knew she would’ve come to us if someone ever touched her without her permission.

She’d technically asked me not to kiss her, and I’d pushed her, my heart sinking as I stroked her hair.

Was she scared of me?

“I’m sorry,” I repeated despite her being asleep, holding her a little tighter and hoping she was still in bed when we woke up in the morning.

If I’d just fucked everything up with her, I’d never forgive myself.